I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  “This could have been the morning you wake me with a kiss.”

  “I couldn’t bring myself to disturb you. The soft, slight lift of your back as you breathe. Watching your eyes flutter at moments beneath your lids. You were dreaming. I've wondered of what. Your body relaxed yet still carved with strength. I have looked so many times. Perhaps you may wear off on me. It almost seems heavenly.”

  “How is it, you’re dressed as you are and I am the one receiving compliments?”

  “I'm not certain. How is it?”

  “You continuously take me by surprise. I really don't know what to expect with you Mackenzie Ann Manale. I mean that in the best of ways. Not certain what to make of you this morning?”

  “Do you like my heels now as much as when you saw their reflection on the floor that night? They’ve been screaming for me to put them on for days. I couldn’t let them sit unworn any longer.”

  I uncross my legs clicking my heels together. Get ready for Oz my love. I lean down and run my hands over my feet up my ankles. As I do this, my robe to almost my belly. Exposing my cleavage. I leave it open.

  “Mrs. Robinson are you trying to seduce me.”

  “I believe I am Benjamin.”

  I place both my hands on the side arms of the chair, as I stand my robe falls almost completely open. I walk toward the bed stopping beside it. I keep my eyes close on Ben. I am no longer looking at him. I look into him. “I have been watching long enough. Are you done with your coffee?”

  “Quite some time ago.”

  “You should have said something sooner.”

  “Now why would I want to rush this?”

  I untie my robe. As I do I pull the satin that kept it in place around my waist before the satin falls to the floor behind me. I place the tie beside Ben. I stand naked with only my heels. “I'd like to kiss you now.” I hold my hands low behind me. Ben puts his coffee down. He turns to get out of the bed. I stop him before he does. “Stay there please.”

  Ben looks at me. I watch his eyes move down over my breasts, to my belly, to my hips. It is my hips he finds a home for his hands. I can almost feel his mind working. He stares deep in me, consuming every corner of me.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  “I love her body. Every curve and imperfection. I am not sure Max will ever appreciate it. She feels she is more cursed by all that has happened and shows on her skin. I can’t help but admire it all. She always wishes for the body of another. Her shape changes often due to her medications. Yet these curves stay. These scars she despises, they are strength. Strength left from so many surgeries. God all these tattoos she’s embedded on her private canvas. Symbols and words she desperately tries to achieve yet even with their mirror image she struggles.

  Chapter Forty

  Ben tightens his grip on me as he looks back up at me.

  I cannot help but ask. It felt as though he just caressed my body with his mind. “What is that look in your eyes?”

  His reply immediate as he raises his head, stroking the sides of my torso. “I was admiring you. Thinking how I wish for five seconds you could see what I see.”

  I run my fingers through his hair. “What do you see?”

  “All of you.” Ben moves his hands slowly down to my hips as he stands. He pulls me against his bare chest. He leans looking deep into me now, before he covers my lips with his. Our tongues met. As if lovers reincarnated, our kiss is deep and long. Our tongues dance as we drink one another. Our arms hold one another's back. Trace the line, the core of our skeleton that holds us upright.

  Ben travels his hand up my back to behind my neck. I adore the way he cradles my head in the palm of his hand. I feel completely his. He places sensual kisses on my lips. He steadies us with his other hand resting on my lower back. The uneven skin from my scar, immediately again makes me self-conscious. I can’t help but squirm subconsciously in his arms. Ben stops.

  “This line that runs up your spine. Don’t ever move in my arms when I touch it. You do this often. You don’t feel what I feel. You sadly think your strength only comes from your medications. You were on none of them when this incision was made. When almost all of them were made. Never forget that.”

  Ben kisses me deep again, as he travels his hand to where his middle name is tattooed on my skin. He brushes his thumb gently over it. Ben moves our heads from one side to another. Both our thirsts are growing stronger. He is fully erect against me. I finally let go of his lips. I wrap my arms around Ben’s waist leaning slightly back to have a full view of his full face.

  “Are you ready?”

  “I don’t know what I need to be ready for.”

  “Exactly what you said you see in me. What you said one day I would ask for.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Gently I push him back to sit on the bed. With my left knee I open his legs enough to place myself between them. Ben moves his knees tight against my legs. Firmly locking me between them. He is not going to let me go as much as I do not intend to let him. “I want you.”

  “Will you keep the heels on?”

  “I plan on it.”

  “Then I believe perhaps we can work something out.”

  “Would you not want me, if I didn't have them on?”

  “I'd probably have breakfast first.”

  I can’t help a low giggle. “What would I do exactly without your wit and sarcasm?”

  “Same as I, without your Italian foul mouth?”

  Ben grabs my waist forcefully pulling me against him. With his tongue and lips suckling my breasts, he is quieting our sudden banter that could continue. He is growing as stubborn as I am. Even locked between his legs I could give him a run for his money. He knows our recent mutual stubbornness could interfere. I am finally seducing him. I do not have to do much and he keeps reaching for me first. He needs to not say another word. I need to redirect my focus. I am not used a man making me laugh and be playful in my bedroom. It is as much a delight as the idea of what I am going to give him.

  I let out a sigh putting my hands in his hair. Ben sucks and toys with each breast. I take in his dynamic play. He is learning my body more and more each time. I push his legs open. I wrap my left leg around him resting it on the bed against his thigh as I bend my knee. I lean back slightly so my belly touches his. The point of the silver on the heel, I push into the side of his leg. We enrapture one another's necks. Ben moves his hands over my ass lifting me to sit on his leg. He caresses my leg folded beside him running his hand up and down from the tip of the heel back up to my hip. As he does, he passionately grabs my ponytail tugging me back. Here I thought I would only be seducing him? I do like this, but I like what is to come next more. I cannot let this go one too long. He doesn’t know I am ready. My gift.

  Ben holds my hair tight as he lustfully invades my mouth. Needy. He abandons soft not waiting for our tongues to join. I am right there with his arousal. With devotion, I rejoin him savagely. I need him. I am going to miss him very differently than ever before. Foreplay is not my desire at this time. I unsparingly need him within. My appetite is animalistic. I crave more than anything for this time to be raw, while utterly giving.

  Ben’s loosens his grip enough for me to look in his eyes. I do not interrupt the fire within us. I do not demand. I ask. I am not seeking control, quite the opposite. It is time.

  “I need you? Not slow this time. I want you to let go. I need you to let go of all the moments, you have been trying to teach me more. I need, I want all the control to be yours. This isn’t about me being who I was before either. This time it is not for me. This time is for you. It is time for me to be submissive. It is not about my body. It is about my addiction. Giving it up right now for you.”

  “God Max, what you do to me.” Ben tries to grab my other leg to pull me so I am on top. The only way I used to be.

  “Not this way. My shoes may not be Ruby, but I'm pretty sure they can take us both to Oz.” I cannot leave this is all to be so serious. Truth still is I am wicked
. I always preferred Elphaba over Glenda. This shall be all of me. The wicked, the innocent, the sane, the insane and the many imperfections I face.

  If I am to be submissive, it is not possible for me to do so on top. I once said, never bow before anyone. This is not true. Ben looks at me with question in his eyes. I pull my leg from beside him and stand. I grab the tie from my robe. I take Ben’s hand as I walk us both to my reading chair.

  Moving past my bedroom door, I move it slightly. Ben closely watches my every move. I can feel his smile and wonder at the same time. He now sees how my mirror catches the reflection of my empty chair. I stop in front of it and drop Ben’s hands. I lift up my wrists with the satin in my fingers.

  “Tie my hands together.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Very. Please do it now.”

  Ben takes the silk and wraps around both my wrists. He is gentle yet makes sure the knot is tight. He never leaves my eyes as he does this. He is now done. I turn facing away from him. My body forward before my sanctuary. The chair I find my inspiration. The one I have lost myself hundreds of times, while reading other’s words. Right this moment, I am creating my own story. One that is new. One of great change and importance.

  I bow. I am unafraid of my hands tied. I place my wrists on the center of the seat cushion. I part my legs and with reinforcement, I slowly press each heel deep into my rug. It is then I turn my head sideways, I see Ben running his hand through his hair. This drives me wild. I know he is overcome.

  “Submission, Benjamin Matthew Coolen. The control is all yours.”

  “Max-”

  “I trust you. I am yours, do as you wish. It’s your turn to watch. My turn to relinquish this binding control.” I bite my lip, glancing over to how perfect our reflection rest in the mirror. Ben follows my glance seeing it too.

  My tattoo, ‘faith’ illuminates its’ presence on the right side of my ribs. “Faith”, within a cross of Ivy. The symbolism far surpasses a simple religious nod. An intricate part of the definition of my ribs now. A spot chosen with reference to Eve. Eve; not for how she was consumed and deceived by the power of free will. Free will is the serpent which can destroy us all. Also for the reminder daily of each original sin. Eve betrayed God’s word. Same as I have betrayed myself, repeatedly. For I too, have partaken in the apple.

  This art was also designed from a literal perspective. For God created Eve from Adam’s rib. So many scholars explain this act of God, that she be created of man. Two halves of a whole. She was not created from the dirt of the earth such as Adam, but placed beside him, to be of helpfulness and every bit as perfect as the creation of man. This tattoo, I placed on my body, ten years ago. A moment I felt of clarity. A moment I had made a choice to seek the beginning again myself. Creation. To satisfy my needs. Not only to heal great loss I keep secret, but also to have “faith” one day I shall not sin but rather be beside a man, as important of a creation as he.

  It is as Ben’s eyes leave the mirror. He covers my tattoo with his hand. I find this moment quite profound. My moment is here. This far exceeds the sexual endeavor we are engaging in. This is about trust. This is about letting go.

  With his left hand, he guides himself into me. I can’t help but cry out; I feel pleasure and almost anguish. Ben gasps himself letting his head fall back for a moment. He then holds my hips pushing deeper in me. He does not go slowly. I still feel him honor and respect me even as hungry as I feel him within me. He does choose to fuck me hard, with the sadistic drive I hoped. He is holding within his hands the one thing I had yet to give.

  He runs his hand up and down my back. He pulls my ponytail not painfully, yet aggressively. I am silent. Ben tilts my head back forcing my back too arch. He looks now toward the mirror I have not let go of my peripheral vision. I need to see the truth in this. He, so aware I never allowed anyone this vulnerability. This is not of driven lust. This is bowing all of me, bound, not helpless but giving before the man I love with my soul. Despite how aggressive, I can clearly see the love still present in his eyes. It means more to me than the rawness consuming us both.

  I have absolutely no control. I do not speak again, only watch as he expresses the pleasure he projects. It emanates through my entire mind and body. I question if this is pleasure, faith, or sin.

  My breasts sway with every thrust he penetrates within me. Ben circles my hips hard against him. I am lost. I do feel safe and a sense of fulfillment, different from one I have recently before. I am going to climax soon. I am slipping from the soulful thoughts within my mind. The force of our sins, my sex is not allowing anything less than complete collapse.

  Giving all of me in this way exerts a raw eroticism so new. He has been so gentle, loving every inch of me so slowly while making love to me. This authoritative moment over me, is needed. Newness heightens the pleasure for us. Ben lets go of my hair. I move my wrists closer to the edge of the cushion. I bow down further. I lean back on him as if I am falling on my knees before him. He holds onto me tighter for his own balance. He pushes me to gyrate ferociously on him. My breath is shallow. I can no longer think of anything but this undeniable pleasure.

  I turn slightly back to the mirror where I meet Ben’s eyes. We share this moment. A trust between us, I can display in this way. I am lacking all the control I sole existed for. Sex has manipulated my thoughts, my life, altered me in ways no one will ever understand. A vault. This right now is every way I have a will to change.

  My hands clench the cushion; my fingers dig in as deep as the leather will allow. Ben sees my knuckles turn white. It is time. Ben pulls almost completely out and then deeper into me. I am done. Everything sways, rushes within me. That indescribable heat that I am still not certain where it begins or ends but I feel it in every cell of me. It is the most heightened sexual feeling. I am now captivated in this moment. There is not a care, no stress, solely warmth and pleasure. Pleasure I cannot define further in words. My body suddenly wins over my mind. Tears escape from the corners of my eyes.

  Ben let’s a marvelous moan. Savagely swallowing me whole. His prey. He is leaving venom in his reality, his home I gave him. Though he is far from my serpent. I orgasm with the thrusts he continues through his climax. My legs weak as my body tingles, constricting every muscle, so hard around him. I am grateful our bodies share this in unison. More tears bravely fall. I shall never be anyone else’s ever again. If it is, I was even anyone else’s ever before. My life with intention, yet unscripted even when being written.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  A few moments need to pass. I do not want him to leave as he lies on my back. We are both breathless. I do not want him to leave my core. Leave this moment that will alter us both further. Time however, we do not have much more to spare. Ben gently pulls out, with care and ease. Ben helps me to stand as I am still shaking. Chills dominate me like strikes of electricity. I shiver. Ben crosses my arms in front of me wrapping his around us both. I may have not been looking directly in his eyes; however, we saw each other deeper than before.

  What is love? Love is trust. To believe. Believing every fear is only that a fear. I no longer fear. I trust.

  I let my head fall back against his chest. Ben leans down and places his arm beneath my knees. He picks me up. He walks us back to our bed. He rests me on the edge. He picks up my robe and wraps it around my shoulders. His look intense. Seemingly grateful. He then sits on the edge beside me. First he gently unties my wrists and rubs them with his thumbs. Then he lifts my left leg onto his lap. I watch in silence as he with great care unties the satin that crisscross up my ankle. Ben gently removes my heel. Silently only looking up at me to smile at me once, he undoes the same with my other. I can only watch as he ties the satin laces together and walks to my bedroom door hanging the heels from the doorknob.

  “This way you will think of me every time you leave this room.”

  “What makes you think I need a reminder to think of you while you are gone?”

  Ben walks back t
o me. Places a kiss on my forehead. (Fuck! Again! My mind swirls.) “This morning, you gave me all of you, more than I ever anticipated. I want these shoes to let you not forget, I love you. If fear somehow sets in again, and you desire to run. I wish I did not have to go today. However, I do. As well, it seems you do also. A choice you cannot back down. Everyone has a story. Max, you and I, the way you gave yourself to me this morning I could not love you more. Not for the act alone, the trust means more. I know how hard it is for you.”

  “Ben, I make me feel such happiness. I am not going to run.”

  “I wish we had more time. I want to lay and hold you. I don’t want to leave. Life is interrupting us. I have a flight I can’t miss. Truth is you need to get up also. You questioned what if you disappoint me. You wonder about me being in love before. You can never disappoint me Max because every day I fall more in love with you. You, this is not unlike anything I have ever experienced nor thought even existed either. We do both really need to get going. Welcome back to the rest of our worlds.”

  I begin to laugh.

  “What is so funny?”

  “Well I am not really certain I can walk.”

  “You will surprise even yourself that you can do many things you are not certain of! I think you proved that this morning. We need to get up. Showers in separate bathrooms. I am truly beginning to not trust either one of us.” With that, Ben is out my door.

  I fall back on my bed. He really, really loves me. Every dream I pushed out of my mind, not even trusting in the notion of dreaming myself is now becoming reality. I turn my head and see the shoes hang from my door. I am not fearful. I don’t need my tattoo, I can feel my faith and my dreams, my strength and I finally believe it is all here. I look at my wrist and I trace the anchor on my wrist. Silly woman. I never needed this, I only needed time. Anchor my soul and dream forever. Forever was here all along.