I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  I have a large deck that stretches from my living room to the end of the kitchen. Outside my den, I have lounge chairs and a fire pit. I use most often, the area I have an outdoor couch, table and two lush chairs rest. My den, far different than the lion’s den from my past. This is open and anyone could escape.

  I have potted flowers in every corner of my outdoor home. This spot I find most calming on the lonely evenings I spend my time listening to the sounds of the ocean. Those nights I am thankful for the flow of medication through my veins. My very favorite spot, is sitting on the edge of the deck where the ladder to the beach sits. I dangle my legs, as I once did as a child when I daydreamed of fairy tales and love. Comfort.

  Inside, past my kitchen is the living room. What is nice is how it dips down from the rest of the home. I decorated it also in the simplest of fashion. Everything in my home is slate, ice blue or white. Colors I find serene. Heavenly. A leather white wrap around sofa with a large ottoman and custom made grey and blue pillows, all with quotes from some of my favorite authors. That is the comfort you shall find lay there. A television rest high on the wall above a fireplace. The fireplace I have yet to use. The television is the only one in my home. I have never believed in having a television in my bedroom. A bedroom is for sleeping. (Used to be for fucking, but I no longer recall what that even is.)

  No, I have not taken a lover. I have not touched a man since Ben. I have not thought of it much less desired it. Even during the height of my depression and mania that followed after I lost Ben; I had not wanted to even be touched, much less in a sexual way. If I never do again, honestly it will be alright. Hell, I barely ever even touch myself. Sadly, I only have when my dreams overtake me of Ben. Then after, I do not feel satisfied as I once did. I cry. I weep knowing it shall never be him again.

  Of course, there is a master bedroom. My bedroom. It, equipped with a walk in closet that I suppose would make any other woman swoon. I myself do not care. Perhaps, I would have once. My ensuite is so large I could lose myself in it. My shower could probably fit at least five. Shame I have abandoned my whorish endeavors. I probably could entertain quite the orgy in it. Then there is the soaking tub that sits beside a floor to ceiling window. I try not to even glance at it. It is not meant for one. It is a reminder of all that could have been. Memories of moments once shared, but now lost.

  My bedroom like my living room has four French doors. The deck though does not reach this area of my home, but still the open concept is exceptional. The shrubbery in this area does not block my view of the Pacific Ocean. In fact, from my bed I stare at it often. I welcome the doors open many a night. I suppose there is a part of me left I still allow to dream.

  Against the solid white room, I have carefully chosen antiques and eclectic decor. I could not help but place the finest of ice blue transparent drapes above my bed. They flow down on each side of my cocoon; my chrysalis. I am a butterfly who lost her wings.

  Butterflies need the nectar of flowers to live. I find it now a necessity myself to have fresh flowers surround me everywhere throughout my home. From the white gardenias that overflow in my bedroom, to the huge centerpiece on my dining room table. Hyacinth and hydrangea I keep in an oversized old-fashioned metal milk jug. One of the many finds during my antique searches for other treasures now abandoned. Abandoned like myself.

  Flowers seem to have become my friends in some odd way. Their fragrance speaks to me, same as I hear music in the sounds of the ocean waves. There is beauty and elegance in both. Both nourish me. Both bring me peace. Tools in my survival.

  The doorbell continues ringing repeatedly. I can’t take it any longer. As I leave what was the peacefulness of my sanctuary, I lower my music; music I use as my muse now that I no longer have Ben.

  "Seriously! Just a minute. I am coming!”

  I reach my front door and open it wide without further thought. I am now annoyed.

  “Oh…my…God. You have to be kidding me.”

  I feel my eyes widen and my pulse quicken.

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  "Now what kind of hello is that?"

  "Nick! No! How do you even know where I live? What are you doing here? Oh my God, is that a bag beside you? Is that Ray? Holy Shit Nick! What the fuck?"

  "Okay. One, I have always known where you were. Did you really think I'd allow you to disappear? Two, I am here for a few reasons, all of which I am not getting into at your doorstep. Three, yes this is a bag beside me with clothes and toiletries. I am here to see you and stay overnight in the least. Four, yes of course that is Ray. For God Sake you know that already. Lastly, five, which you did not inquire. I would like to come in. Yes, thank you." Nick waves Ray off.

  I stand speechless as I watch Ray drive away. Nick gently nudges past me. He places his bag at the foot of my kitchen entryway. All I can do is watch.

  "My God Moe this is extraordinary. Fuck! This view."

  Nick continues past the dining room onto my deck, stopping only at its edge. I can actually hear him close his eyes to inhale the ocean air. I am stunned. I still stand frozen holding onto the front door. It is a mere moment later the Mercedes pulls back into my driveway. This is some kind of hallucination. I have been alone too long. Oh God, no it’s Ray parking again. He gets out of the car with a large smile.

  “In all the nervousness on both our behalves, Mr. D and I forgot the rest of his packages. Do not say anything but wow I have never seen him this way. He did not even take a business call. He even asked for my help in the stores. I hope you like the flowers. He insisted and I was privileged to pick them out. When Mr. Gallo said he would be visiting you, I immediately recalled your beauty. The white flowers with the green of the leaves reminded me of how pretty your eyes stood out when we last met. I hope you don't mind me saying so. Respectfully, I am married, but your eyes ma’am, they leave quite an impression. A lovely one."

  "Thank you I am flattered. I am baffled by the fact that Nick is here but I appreciate you. You are very kind. Here let me take this all from you."

  "Oh it is all rather heavy Ms. Manale. May I bring it in?"

  "Of course."

  I show Ray the way as I blink several times when I see Nick’s bag against my entryway wall. I motion to the marble island in the kitchen. As Ray is putting all the bags down we both hear Nick.

  "Fuck Ray! Shit! I totally forgot. What the hell would I do without you?"

  "Perhaps, not curse as often Mr. Gallo?"

  "Touché' my friend."

  Nick walks into the kitchen. I can still only watch as he begins emptying the contents of the bags as if he has been here years, not moments. He moves around as if somehow this is home. It is an eerie feeling within me. He is not the man who should find ease in my home. Yet here he is back, yet again.

  "It was a pleasure to see you Ms. Manale. I will await your call Mr. Gallo?"

  "Thank you Ray. I will be in touch. I appreciate you staying in town."

  “Absolutely Sir.”

  Wait. What? I turn my head, questioning what I am hearing. "What?"

  Nick returns my puzzled look. "What?"

  I was already annoyed, now I am irritated also. "Are you making Ray wait and stay in Malibu? He lives in Los Angeles Nick!"

  Ray is quick to interject. "It is alright Ms. Manale."

  I ignore Ray’s attempt. "Ray, where did Mr. Gallo book your stay?"

  I can see Ray realizes I am not going to drop this. He responds. "Malibu Cottage Inn? I have the address in the car. Mr. Gallo was kind enough to make a reservation for me."

  I shake my head. "Kind enough? Oh really? No, no no. Ray this is how I see things right now. Considering Mr. Gallo has been kind enough to arrive at my home unannounced, I am sure he is feeling a bit more gracious than that now. I feel his arrogance in even asking you to stay, when in fact you live so close, he is rather embarrassed by now. I am certain you could use a little downtime as you "wait". Mr. Gallo is far from an easy man to work for. You mentioned you are married?"


  "Yes ma'am."

  I continue my inquiry. "About how far is home from here?"

  "Forty-five minutes or so Ms. Manale."

  "Well if I am correct. Mr. Gallo, whom should be insisting you call him Nick by now. How long have you been working for him? Forget it, that is neither here nor there. Ray, let me explain Mr. Gallo. He wishes for you stay in close proximity because he fears I will kick his ass out on a moment’s notice. However, since I have been gracious enough to allow him in my home, yes actually past the front door; I am the one truly of imposition. The way I see this is, I only find it fair you receive what I am sure is a much needed thank you for all your hard work. Now please kindly call your wife and ask her to pack an overnight bag for you both. Ray my friend, you and your lovely wife will both be staying at a hotel this evening. It will not be in Malibu; though I am certain you would quite enjoy this town. I feel strongly that you need a nice break yourself. You deserve time with your wife far away from Mr. Gallo.

  I know of phenomenal hotel right close to home for you. Please head back to Los Angeles. Please pick up, I can only imagine, your very lovely wife. A reservation will be waiting for you both at The Ritz Carlton. Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant is there also. Please enjoy a nice three course, at least three course dinner together. Do not forget a good bottle of wine paired with your meal. It has gotten rave reviews. Though, if you would prefer to have room service, simply let the concierge know. Staying in with a do not disturb sign is also quite lovely. Whichever you and the Mrs. decide is what will make Mr. Gallo happy. Now as for tomorrow. You know what they say, ‘breakfast is the most important meal of the day’. So, please either room service or anywhere in the hotel, simply be sure to put the bill on your room. In addition, Nick…” I whip my head to give Nick a dirty look before returning to Ray.

  “Oh excuse me; Mr. Gallo would very much like you both to indulge in any spa services of your choice. Personally, I would recommend the couples massage. This of course will all be out on your room bill. Your junior suite actually.” I am smirking now and I quite like it.

  “You do not worry or think about a thing. I will personally handle the reservation and all the details. I know Mr. Gallo is quite overjoyed to be doing this for you. If he should need to leave within a thirty-minute window it takes from here to the hotel, I will drive him myself. Once there he can patiently wait in the lobby or get himself a room depending on the time of course." I shoot a harsh glance at Nick again. He simply shakes his head yes, as he bows it down.

  Ray looks slightly intimidated, yet he is smiling. "Ms. Manale, Mr. Gallo? I cannot possibly accept this."

  Nick finally speaks. "Yes you can Ray. Quite frankly do you really think she is going to let you say no?"

  Ray lets out a hint of laughter as he answers. "No sir I actually do not."

  Nick knows he is defeated. "Please Ray, I apologize I did not think of it myself. You deserve it for all of my fucken shit every time I am out here. You are a good man. I will take care of all the details. Go. Call your wife. Please, before she comes up with more."

  I wink at Ray. "Let me show you out.” I smile. This actually makes me happy. I still have Nick to deal with, but this makes me happy. We reach the front door. "Have a lovely time Ray. I hope your wife enjoys this little getaway. Believe me I know how difficult it is to seize some special time with the one you love."

  "Oh, I know she will. Thank you so much Ms. Manale."

  "Call me Max. Please!"

  Ray begins to walk away but as he reaches the car, he turns as he opens his door. "Give him hell Max."

  I smile at him. It is hard not to. "Oh I plan on it. Some things shall never change. Now go and enjoy."

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  I walk back into the kitchen to find Nick on the phone. "The reservation is for Mr. and Mrs. Ray McGrevans. Yes, place everything on my private account. I would also like a bottle of champagne and strawberries delivered to their suite. Yes. They will also need late check out tomorrow, if an additional night needs to be charged then so be it. After their day at the spa, they should have their suite to return to and gather their things. Whatever is necessary. I do not want them rushed. Yes. Correct any spa services of their choice should also be placed on their room. It should be specifically reiterated to reception at the spa that they might have any service they request. They are not to be handed any bill of any kind. No one is to seek a tip either. Please add a 25% gratuity to all charges and services. Any questions during their stay, concierge on staff has permission to reach me on my private number. I will be expecting the bill scanned and sent to me via email upon their departure. Thank you Evelyn. I appreciate all of your help regarding this. Yes, yes I am aware there are items to be discussed regarding our meeting at the JW next month. I will have my assistant contact you. It may all be in my name; however, I handle none of the details. Evelyn I apologize but I am running late to a meeting. Is there anything further you need regarding the McGrevan’s reservation? Excellent then. I will see to it that Paige gets in touch with you immediately. Thank you for your time. Again, please go over every detail with concierge at and see to it that my guests are treated with great care. Any issues at all please have them contact me. Yes. Lovely day to you."

  I smile. I have not in so very long. Here I am for the second time today. "Wow. Who the fuck is that?"

  "Evelyn at the hotel. I did what you wanted."

  "No, I mean who the hell is sitting in my kitchen? Certainly does not sound like the man I know."

  Nick smiles. "Should I be flattered or insulted?"

  He returns to emptying the remaining contents of the bags. Three bottles of wine, all cut up fruit, I mean a ton of fruit, small-assorted covered containers, two loaves of French bread, several cheeses, a box of crackers, larger covered aluminum tins, fresh mozzarella, fresh pasta, a huge plastic container of what looks like marinara sauce and finally a box of assorted cupcakes. These cupcakes look serious. Shit, cupcakes! I cannot recall when I last ate a cupcake. In fact, I am not certain when I truly last ate anything other than Greek yogurt or peanut butter and jelly. My mouth is surprisingly salivating. Where did he get all of this? He gently lays the flowers on their side. He gathers up all the bags.

  "What is all this?”

  "Well I couldn't come empty handed. Honestly, I didn't know what to bring. Therefore, I brought anything and everything I could. Well that's not entirely correct. This is anything and everything Ray and I could think of. He picked out the flowers."

  "He told me." I smile again. Wow, my face really forgot this feeling.

  "A lot of these need to go in the fridge. Do you mind?"

  I am still in awe. I am not sure what is happening here. "Go right ahead."

  "Quite the kitchen Moe.” Nick moves swiftly to my fridge. Oh no! I feel my stomach drop as he opens it. Here it comes.

  "Moe! There is almost nothing in here. I brought more than you have. Tell me you order in a lot. I mean a lot."

  "I do."

  "Sure you do." Nick places all the food on the empty shelves.

  I do have food. I have cereal, milk, creamer, Greek yogurt and English muffins. Ha! I have three different kinds of jelly. Oh and Fluff even and Peanut Butter. Oh and Bananas. I always have bananas! And coffee! Even espresso! Of course, I have food in my kitchen! What is he talking about? So maybe I haven't been eating as much. Maybe I simply haven't gotten my appetite back. So maybe it has been six months.

  "Do you have a vase I can place these in?"

  "Yes." I haven’t moved yet. I am frozen since returning from showing Ray out. I go around the island into the cabinets beneath it. I actually have many vases due to my new love for flowers. I choose a low square glass vase.

  "I am not sure that is going to work."

  “Yes it will. Actually will be quite beautiful. Let me.” I fill the vase halfway with water and an aspirin from the cabinet next to the sink. I grab the scissors from the drawer in the island, return to the sink with them and the flowe
rs. I separate the flowers and run each stem under the water as I trim each down. I cut them drastically on an angle so they will last as long as possible. Anything lasting as long as possible is essential for me now. I place each flower carefully in, knowing exactly where I would like each to be. I lose myself for a few moments in the process. When complete the vase is perfectly overflowing. Vibrant within its absence of color but boldness of purity. "There." I place it on the center of the island and move back to the sink to admire their beauty.

  "Beautiful."

  "They are. Thank you Nick."

  "I mean you. The way you move, your intensity. God the way your hair is braided down the side face and neck."

  "Nick..." I place both hands on the lip of the sink behind me. I shift my weight to my side; I am now awkwardly unaware of how I look. My clothes and lack thereof. I can feel strands of hair that have fallen out all over. I have no make- up on. I gave up wearing it. I’m not even certain how long ago. I am thankful for my tan.

  "I'm sorry. It's hard not to say, not to admire. You changed your hair again, I see."

  "Not on purpose. My natural color I suppose. I gave up a while ago. No longer caring to color it or as you can see having, it cut for that matter. More of a hot mess than a new look."

  "I see a beautiful mess. We haven't really said hello in all this chaos."

  "I guess we haven't."

  Nick takes the few short steps that are left between us. "Hi Moe." He takes me in his arms and hugs me tight.

  This is the first true embrace from anyone in so long. My mother did come three months ago for my surgery. That was the last physical contact I had with another human being. Her help before and after my surgery. That is until this moment. Before she arrived, I had not been touched either. I hug Nick in return. I need to. I need to feel another heartbeat. The fact surfaces I’ve only felt my own.