I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  "Moe you are shaking. What is it? Did I do something?"

  "No. No. I’m cold. I’m sorry."

  "I suppose that ocean breeze can do that when a bra is absent."

  "You're a dick. I hate you."

  "Oh God, are we starting already? Come on I did not bring any sushi or Patron! Max come on, I am kidding. Fuck, you look amazing. Goddamn men's undershirt Max. Really? I think I am hard for Christ sake."

  I push past Nick. I feel exposed. "Jesus Nick, you're married. Nice!" I walk out to the patio and sit on the couch. I choose the corner as always. I pull my knees up to my chest. My long Maxi skirt is now a drape for all of me. Nick is still in the kitchen. He doesn’t follow me.

  "Please tell me you have wine glasses and a corkscrew. We both need a drink. A casual soothing one, nothing extreme don’t you worry your pretty little head."

  "Nick I don't drink."

  "Bullshit. You watch what you drink. This is outstanding wine. You will be fine with one glass. Now where are they? Also where is a cutting board and some kind of platter?"

  "Jesus, Nick." I get up. As I do, I step on the hem of my skirt. At that moment, I remember I am not wearing panties either. My hips are bare. I quickly try to pull up the sides of my skirt.

  "Don't bother doing that, it looks nice. The way the shirt ends and your skirt begins. God, what two inches lower?"

  Fuck it. I walk back into the kitchen. I open the cabinet. "White or Red."

  "White.”

  I take out the wine glasses. Retrieve the corkscrew from the utensil drawer along with two knives. I see Nick’s taken out some of the containers, grapes and the cheeses. He also grabs one of the loaves of bread. I turn back to the cabinets. Lord, I know I have a platter. Where? Ah, in the pullouts under the stove. It is an oversized pewter tray molded with grapes vines. I bought this for a party celebrating Ben's one year of sobriety. We gathered all of our friends the night he received his one-year coin. We all drank grape juice out of wine glasses and apple juice out of beer mugs that night. A tear escapes my left eye. I catch it. I move back to the island, opening the same drawer I keep the scissors taking out my butcher block. "So what are we eating?"

  Nick rolls his eyes at me, turning only slightly in my direction. "Glad to hear you say, "We". How much weight have you lost?"

  "I don't own a scale. Who the fuck are you? The weight watcher police."

  "No. I simply care. There is not much food in your fridge. If I had to take a guess, you have lost at least thirty-five pounds or more. I am not judging. You look sexy as hell. You still have fucken curves. However, you are not the same woman I stared at in the hotel room only six months ago. I’m concerned."

  "Okay maybe I have lost a few pounds. I don't know. I honestly don’t kept track. Food doesn't mean that much. I eat when I need to. That's all. I am not that hungry usually." I hop up on the counter beside all the food he arranges on the platter. "I am curious what is in some of these containers."

  Nick pushes me off the counter. "Go sit down. Let me finish this. I have a feeling it’s been a while since anyone did anything for you. Please let me do this. It is only a snack. Have you even eaten today?"

  I shoot him a look as I slide off the counter. My skirt pulls up as I do, exposing my tan legs. Nick follows my legs with his eyes as I move.

  "I had coffee earlier."

  "Moe it’s after two. Nothing else?"

  "No. But I am looking forward to a bite or two now." I return to the comfort of my couch outside.

  "More like nine or ten bites!"

  "Sure Nick whatever you say." I am smile again. It feels nice. I wasn’t letting myself before right now to acknowledge how lonely I allowed myself to become. Solitude has it prices. I stare out at the blue ocean letting the sun fall on my face. I lose myself yet again. Nick appears, barefoot. Sleeves of his button down shirt rolled up to his forearm. He places each full glass of wine on the table between the couch and the chair. Large candles sit there also.

  "Do you mind if I move these? Make room for the food."

  I am quick to get up. "Sure. Let me." I move the candles and their individual stands, placing them on the floor behind the table.

  "Is that Sia I hear inside?"

  "What?"

  "Either I am going crazy myself or there is music playing inside. Low but I heard Sia."

  "How do you even know who Sia is? Can't imagine she is your type of music."

  "We did a feature on her in Modern Music. Incredible talent. I actually find the intensity of her music quite intoxicating. So is there music on inside or am I losing it also? Not that the concept of that would even surprise me at this point."

  "Yes, I must have only lowered it instead of shutting it off. I’ll be right back. I was in the middle of something before your unexpected arrival." I walk straight to my office. I shut off my IPod. I turn to leave with intention of closing the door behind me. I am not ready to share this room. I’m stopped in my tracks as I turn.

  "It is exactly how I envisioned it to look."

  "What to look?"

  "Your sanctuary. This room. The place you write." His eyes widen as he speaks.

  Nick moves past me. He stops in the middle of my private space. He takes it all in. He moves closer to the bookcases which line one entire wall, looking up and down at the literature I’ve collected. He turns now, runs his hand along the front of my desk. I can only stand aside and watch. This room is an expression of me stripped bare.

  "You’re writing again aren't you? You haven’t taken a paying writing piece since I last saw you. What are you writing about?" He sits in my chair. Rests the wine glass on the only arm I let hold me. Until today that is.

  "None of your business."

  "Fair enough. May I see the rest of your home? I am concerned now you do not have a guest room."

  "Actually I do not." I close the door behind us both.

  "Honestly, you’re welcome to my room. I don't really sleep much. I can stay out either on the deck or the couch in the den. I will be fine."

  "I would never let you give up your own bedroom. You really are crazy. A dick I am, but come on, even dicks have their limitations. I have no issue staying on the couch.” Nick stops gently touching my arm. "Moe, if you're uncomfortable, I will go stay at a hotel. This is your home. I know. I know we said goodbye. I know I am here unannounced, out of nowhere. It is important I be here. However, "here" can still be close. I can go back and forth from a hotel. I am not the same since the book either. I don't ever want to hurt you again. I do very much want to spend time with you. But I can take my bag and take that Audi R8 in your driveway and be on my way."

  I laugh.

  "What you didn't think I noticed that? Seriously? Did they know your driving history before you were allowed to drive out of the dealership with that car?"

  "Upgraded sound system too."

  "Really? Lord help the state of California. Nice Moe."

  "If you're lucky, possibly you can take a step down from being chauffeured and take a little drive. Car will change your world. Wait; do you even know how to drive?"

  "Fuck you."

  We both laugh. Is this what it sounds like? This too I had forgotten.

  "I don't mind you staying Nick. I am not completely certain why not. Perhaps, I have finally utterly lost my mind. I am going to regret saying this, but I’m looking forward to your company. Now do not say another word and fuck it up. Anyway this is the main bath and down there is my bedroom."

  We both walk in. The drapes over my bed are swaying from the breeze off the ocean. I stand aside again and watch Nick. He follows them with his eyes. He walks past me, stands at the foot of the open French doors. He turns pointing to the door to his left. "Closet?"

  "No. Bathroom. Closet is door beside it."

  "For once I am not going to invade your privacy. This room says enough." He drinks, nearly done with his glass.

  "That is a first. You, not invading my privacy."

  "Yes, I know. It
is something I am consciously working on. May I see the den? I walked so quickly past it when I arrived. Yes, I was very much intimidated you were going to escort me straight back out. Show me where I shall rest my head tonight?"

  "So proper."

  "You do not know how hard I am trying Moe." He walks past me shaking his head. "Christ with that tank top, this room, the music, the ocean, the breeze. Do you seduce yourself on a daily basis?"

  "Really Nick? You are married."

  Nick continues walking as I follow him. "No Max, no I am not."

  "What?"

  Chapter Sixty

  "I meant to comment on this table. It is a piece of art in itself. We need to feature this piece in Design and Decor. Where did you find such an extraordinary piece? I’ve never seen anything like this.” He leans over admiring how it lay on its own stump. Its foundation rest on my floor as it once had a home in the earth.

  "Max it is a tree stump! No legs. You must allow the magazine to photograph this. This needs to be featured. I need to send a picture of this over to the art director of the magazine."

  I am at his side now. I push his phone down as he begins to take photographs with it. "No! Nick! Forget the table! What are you talking about you're not married?"

  Nick still takes a few pictures ignoring me for the moment. "A conversation for more wine and some food. I took the red eye here. We shopped and came straight here. I haven't eaten myself, since sometime yesterday. I am not even certain when myself." Nick moves past the table. He tosses his cell on his overnight bag. He then stands at the two steps, which lead to the den. "All of your home should be photographed. It is minimal yet stunning Moe. It reads as a retreat, not simply a home. Truly stunning. It really suits you."

  "I don't own this home. It's a lease Nick."

  "Yes I am aware. Though you and I both know that you will purchase it when your lease is up in six months. You are not going to continue to pay sixteen thousand a month. You found home Moe. We both know you have the 1.9 million to afford it also. Without a mortgage I might add."

  Making every attempt to close my mouth. I grab the oak beside me to hold me up. I run my fingertips on my forehead a few times.

  "Oh Fuck! I did it again! All right, before you flip out, can I add one thing before I am crucified? This place is a fucken steal. What is most extraordinary is you can’t even tell from the modesty of the outside what a gem this is. Homes on both sides of you are going for three times the price! Even across the street for that matter. You would be crazy not to buy. Well you already are crazy. Let me rephrase. You would be foolish. Okay now you can flip."

  I turn and walk straight outside. I sit on the chair this time. Abandoning the comfort of the couch. I am now uncomfortable, yet part of me wants to burst out laughing. My emotions stir in every direction. I take the wine glass left for me. I cross my legs and drink.

  Nick walks out carrying his glass in one hand and the platter of food in the other. The bottle of wine grasped between his elbow and his side. "More wine?"

  I look at my glass. Much to my own surprise I find it is empty. He places the platter down along with his glass. He pours more wine for me, then himself. Before sitting, he pulls his shirt out from his jeans. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

  I shake my head no. I rock my leg up and down over the other. Nick sits. After, placing his glass down Nick is silent for the first time. He crosses his feet as he drops his head back. He clasps his hand over the top of his head then rubbing his hands over his face up and down. Still I say nothing. Part of me, a small part of me is not even angry. Someone cares for me. He is overbearing, but I really still mean something to him. His own psychotic controlling ways he has known exactly where I have been all this time and that I am all right. Even seems he has made a point while yes insanely invading my privacy, lord only knows how, to know I was financially secure. I did not disappear into thin air.

  I am not alone. I am the one who sent the text with tremendous spite and intention for him to mutually suffer, stating, ‘Ben left me. My life is over’. It was I, who never thereafter returned one of his texts or attempts to contact me. In his attempts to reach me, he did not shy from expressing his own desperation for my well-being. I see now he never stopped caring even though I was the one who left him this time.

  I suppose I am like Ben. For Ben never answered one phone call, not one voice mail, email or text I sent almost daily for the first month. Not a word did he return. I, the lover of words, never received the ones I needed most. I continued to try him randomly thereafter, until I finally gave up two and half months ago. The most difficult words Ben expressed echo even at this moment I look at Nick. ‘I have to go. I have to get away from here. From us’.

  Still I stare at Nick. Right this moment I am not alone. I am not alone. Nick moves his hands grabbing his knees. His own anxiety is evident and escalating.

  "Christ Moe! What did you expect me to do? Let you go! Go on without care after your text, he left you? I tried everything for you to respond but you didn’t. Not knowing how you were scared the shit out of me! Yes, I took things into my own hands. I hired people and I found out all I needed to. I needed in the least to find some way to sleep at night. Something I had stopped doing after leaving LA. Do not mistake I did not sleep because of my actions. I lay awake every night, thinking of the pain and agony I set into motion in your life again. I was fucken scared! Hate me! We already know deep down you do."

  I stand up as Nick continues rubbing his knees ferociously as he follows me with his eyes. I sit sideways on the couch beside him. "Stop. It's okay. I don't care. I mean I do. I simply understand you. Part of me is glad someone actually cared enough to know where I am. If I am even still alive." Tears fall from eyes. This time I don't care how they fall.

  "Jesus Moe. Please, please don't cry. Don’t you know already how it kills me?"

  Chapter Sixty-One

  "Have you heard from him at all?"

  I shake my head no. That one question changes all of me in this single moment. I am not alone. I don’t want to answer this because it’s truth hurts too much. I don’t want to feel this alone. My protector is here. I need him. I reach for him. I need to be held. I feel my tears swell.

  Nick pulls me on his lap. He rocks me as my tears turn to weeping. He stays silent moving back and forth, same as one may console a child. I feel he is trying everything in his power to soothe the ache that has not left me. The hollowness of my insides. I do not understand myself at this moment. How am I allowing such vulnerability? All I know; is Nick understands. This place is safe. I am still safe in his arms. My lullaby.

  Nick buries his head in my shoulder. "I am so sorry Moe. I did this. I did this to you." He strokes the back of my head. "How can you sit with me and let me hold you, after all I did? I am so sorry. This anguish is my fault. Give it to me Moe. I would rather bear this for you."

  I release my grasp enough to look Nick in the eyes. His hands are on my face in the same second. He wipes my tears with his thumbs as he holds my face.

  I hold his wrists. "This is not your fault. The book was a door. A door that was going to have to be opened at some point. Two people can't begin a life together with a foundation of secrets. I had so many from him. Christ he never even knew anything about all my money. Do you know I took lease money from him every month? My controlling self, thought I was doing the right thing! I wanted to give it back to him so one day he could retire and buy the boat or yacht of his dreams. Be a Captain not for work but rather his passion in life. I was dishonest with him, about so much. He finally opened up himself. Finally, in his own recovery he was at the point to really be in a relationship, be with me. My God, he chose me! Me! I was the woman he loved, no longer in dreams but in reality. Yet I still kept so much from him. I lied to him all while I let go of my heart and soul. My mind, my fucken mind, I still did not possess the strength to contain my need for control. I let him into the most important parts of me I kept barricaded. The parts of me you were al
l aware. He was led to believe I was letting go of them with him. I was letting him into all of me. However, all of someone is that exact word ‘ALL’. All, was a word I hadn’t yet come to learn its absolute importance. I am selfish. The reality of the secrets, how easily I lied, the blatant deceit for so long, I am twisted Nick. Life is twisted. Truly. I did this all. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Deception is my sin. Yes, he was a sinner, but he repented. Me, I never stopped sinning. This is not your fault Nick. I forgave you a long time ago. Please forgive yourself now?"

  A tears falls from Nick's eye. "How do you always manage to do this to me Moe? How do you forgive so easily? I only cry with you. My own wife left me and I did not cry a single tear. But you, my heart bleeds. Seeing your eyes glass with tears rips through me. You forgive and you blame only yourself. You take it all in and want to make everyone else feel better. Safe. I am sorry I will never be able to forgive myself. As for Ben, he is simply a man. We are human and all sinners. We have all made horrible choices at one time or another. Even if we cannot forgive ourselves, we forgive those we love. You are the example of this. Please tell me you see this when you look in your own eyes. If he is the man he claimed to be, the one who found amends and peace in every other avenue in life, Moe, he should have found a way back to you. You, Moe. You are love. You are so special. We have all done so much wrong. These sins you persecute yourself for, the pain I see, I feel you have not let go. You did this all to save you and more to save him. You deserve to be forgiven too. I am sorry Moe. I do not buy this, “is all you shit”. I never will. We will have to agree to disagree. Right this moment as I sit before as a man who has done so very much wrong, oh God so much to you, I thank you my soft and lonely. I thank you for your forgiveness. You may be capable of deceit, as we all are. However, the truth in you, the few who really know it, it is blinding. Not many can forgive and live a life of survival to save someone else. You are the strangest angel."