I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  “Moe!”

  “Oh stop! I am a big girl. I am will be fine. Why don’t you worry about lung cancer, rather than my possible intoxication?” I grunt and walk back to the railing by the edge of the deck. I turn around. Oh God I can’t believe I am going to tell him this. He is still standing in the middle of the deck. The light has not shined down from the heavens for him. Well at least not yet.

  “First, can you go sit down again. You are making me more anxious!”

  He actually doesn’t say a word. He goes and sits at the end of the lounge chair and holds his wine with both hands between his legs.

  “Nick, I have done a lot in my lifetime. I mean, no, it doesn’t matter what I mean. Look it isn’t like half the world hasn’t done this also. It isn’t that big of a deal. I just hate that it is her.”

  As he lights a cigarette, he speaks at the same time.

  “So…who is she? Spit it out already.”

  “Fine! Maybe I am trying to “digest” also. Awe fuck it. Okay, so…she did my make-up once. She is fucken beautiful. You probably should have asked for a picture. You would understand. Well I may have pursued her. More like recruited if I am really being honest. But she damn well knew exactly what she was doing.” I hear my voice getting louder. I don’t care. “She tried so all night, oh innocent this and that shit. Like she never did it before. Bullshit she never did.”

  “Moe! Hello! Never did what?”

  “I seduced her from a cup of coffee. For Ben. She came over. It was supposed to be a gift for Ben, but once you are in my bedroom everything is a game. Bottom line. I didn’t fuck her. She fucked me. While Ben fucked her. It was supposed to end there. No! Lindsay wanted more. She actually wanted to see Ben and I make love! Which hello we know I do not do! Somehow, she manipulated me! Me! I am not manipulated! I am the one in control! Though next thing I know, she is whispering in my ear as we are all on our second swing of things, for me not to be afraid anymore! Life is too short not to reveal itself! All of sudden she is leaving, saying something back again at the door. Then she was gone. Ben then takes me, asks me to trust him. Finally, truly believe in him. I am crying because this stranger saw right through me. She seemed to have seen through Ben too. Ben turns my face and he is in tears. There we were somehow, missionary. Missionary! I did not do, “missionary”! That for me is when you believe in someone without fear and whole-heartedly. It has been twenty years since I last lay that way with a man. Lay with Ben that way. This time though, I looked in his eyes and I saw myself. Call me as crazy as you so desire. I saw my reflection, I saw forever. I saw infinity. Ben and I made love. I let go. I let it all go. Finally, this thirty-nine-year-old woman made love. I believed in something I could not understand. I had not since I was eighteen and hell if I completely understood it then. That night I did. I understood what everyone speaks of and I never believed in. It was like nothing I ever, ever experienced. It was sublime. As close to heaven as I shall ever see. It was our beginning. It was because of her it finally happened."

  I drop to the floor. The volcano erupted. I am lightheaded. Claustrophobia hits again in the open air.

  Nick is immediately up and beside me. "You're serious?"

  "Very."

  “Wait. Let me make sure I understand the first part. When you said she fucked you and he fucked her, did that happen at separate occasions, like he watched you watched type of thing or, oh God at the same actual time?”

  I elbow Nick. “Nick! God I hate you! Stop!”

  Nick looks up again into the sky. “God, why was I married so long? Why marry again? All I have missed!"

  "Nick! Stop making jokes!"

  “I can’t this is how I cope too! This is how I deal with your truth. Your pain I cannot change nor do anything to make it better. I am helpless right now. I fucken hate it. Moe, I don’t know what to say. What does anyone say to that?”

  “You say…yes I will get you another cigarette Moe. Absolutely, right away.”

  “That I can say.”

  Nick jumps up and grabs two and the light and is back before I can raise my head fully. He lights them both. Hands me one after he takes a long drag of them both together. I follow suit. I find I can speak again more calmly.

  "Well at least I hate him now. I guess that is a good thing. What a prick move. He was never a prick sober. I guess I really don’t know him anymore. And she, she is such a whore. I knew she wanted him more than that night. I knew it. She was able to see through both of us, I guess she pushed us also because she also saw we would combust. I hate her too."

  "Sounds like they are both pricks! They deserve one another! Fuck them!"

  I am pissed and I am jealous. I am completely immature. In between drags I find myself talking I am not sure if I am to myself or to Nick anymore.

  "Sure let them connect and make love. Both of them, with their making love shit. I hate them both. This is a good thing. That is so low. Of all people, he could choose. He chose her. She had better not have a key. You make Chuck find out! I will triple the fucken lease amount. He doesn’t think he is paying me enough anyway! I will simply tell him I need the money with no further explanation!"

  "Yeah that will get him! Christ Moe that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say! If she has a key, fuck them both. It is a real estate investment right now. You are stronger than this. Truth is, it would have happened at some point. Some people cannot stay alone. Especially people with dependency issues. I am not putting him down. It is true though. You are stronger than all this. It would hurt even if he didn't choose a woman who fucked you as he fucked her. Did you video it by any chance?"

  "Stop!" I hit Nick as hard as I can in his shoulder. I catch him just as he is putting his cigarette to his lips.

  "First, if you hit me, you will only hurt yourself. And how do you not find any humor in that? Come on it is kind of funny."

  "No it isn't."

  "How many other threesomes have you had?"

  "Oh my God you can't help yourself! Hello heartache here!"

  "Oh come on, anger always outweighs hurt! You are angry. Be angry!"

  "I don't want to be anything. Let's be nothing for a little bit."

  "We can do that too. Get up! This deck is cold. You always collapse on hard surfaces or cold places. Next time, can you maybe choose the couch?"

  Nick is up already with his hand out to help me up.

  “Really Nick?”

  “You know that was funny too. Admit it! I am a dick, but I am a funny sarcastic dick.”

  Nick lays out on one of the lounge chairs. He goes for another cigarette.

  I stand at the foot of the chair. He doesn’t see me stop here. "You smoke too much. Now open your legs?"

  "Excuse me?"

  "Oh stop, I want to lay with you. Now shut up and make room for me. Heartache, anger here! A little human touch to be consoled would be comforting. Now open your legs."

  Nick opens his legs and puts his arms out. I lie down on my side in between his legs and rest my head on his chest.

  He wraps his arms like a blanket over me. "Can I say one thing?"

  "You will regardless, so go ahead."

  "I really hate the only time I have gotten to hold you is when I cause you pain."

  "You didn't do this."

  "You and I both know I did all of this. Regret I carry in life. One I will carry to my grave. I wish that at some point in life I held you simply to hold you. Nothing more than feel you beside me."

  "That is so not true. You have simply held me. Don’t you remember in your room upstairs, all the times we just laid there talking and go figure, chain smoking."

  "I remember, yes. Not exactly same as you. Many one of those times, I considered making a move on you. Take advantage of your feelings. Wondered at times my own feelings."

  I turn my head and look up at Nick. I know my expression is blank. My mind is at full speed.

  "Do not say it! I know you hate me."

  "I wasn't going to say that."
r />   "I don’t believe you based on the look on your face. Okay, what were you going to say?"

  "If I asked you to fuck me now, would you?"

  "Jesus Max! Ah no, I wouldn't! The one thing I would like to stay clear of is your sorrow! I would be your rebound! If you and I ever were to be together like that, it certainly is not going to be because you are hurt over another man. As much as the idea of it will now kill me. No. I would say no."

  "I thought anger outweighs pain."

  "So you think an angry fuck is better? I should be your angry fuck? Thanks."

  I turn my head and lay back. I wrap my arms around him. "No. I don't. Still sounds like a good idea. I used to think any fuck was a good fuck."

  "I mean really Moe? I would like to fuck you. I have enough thoughts running through my head right now, but God I don't want to "fuck you”. Do you understand?"

  "I don't understand much anymore Nick."

  "Moe, you can't go back to who you once were. You can't discount making love now. You have experienced it. You know it is real and you know what it feels like. Why would you ever not want only that?"

  "Because it is all a mirage Nick. Christ! Look at what you have been through. How can you even believe in it?"

  "How can I not?"

  Chapter Seventy-Three

  Nick wraps his arms tighter around me after he opens and drapes the blanket beside us over my legs. I close my eyes for a moment. This moment feels good. I feel safe. Ben is the past. I am going to need to try somehow to move on. I need to finish my own novel, decide what to do with it and simply move on. I am glad I know. Okay glad is not the correct word. I needed to know. No. I didn’t need to know. I need to cut the last string of faith. I need to start getting out. Working again. This is all a good thing. Hell, maybe I will get back out there and date. Well, maybe not that. I can still be alone and live a fulfilling life. I mean, what ever happened to God old fashioned masturbation? Why should I be depriving myself of that? Whatever. What I need is to stop hiding.

  "Moe?”

  I hear Nick put out his cigarette. Laying here like this, right now, it really does feel like we are in our twenties again. How many cigarettes have we even smoked tonight? I keep my eyes closed. He is warm and comforting.

  "Yeah."

  "Who am I? Who am I really, to you?"

  "What? What do you mean?" I open my eyes against his chest. His heartbeat sound so safe.

  "After everything. All of these years. Who am I?"

  I hug him. "You're my Nick. I never really named it or put it into some category. I guess if I have to figure it out. You’ve always been my best friend. Look at us, twenty years later and here we are. We are unique. I know that. We are different. You are special to me in a way I don’t have another word for. You know that. Even if, I hate you. And well you insist on being a dick." I find myself smile for a moment.

  "Twenty-one year’s Max. We met on your nineteenth birthday Max. It's now 12:03. It’s been twenty-one years. It’s your birthday Max. Happy Birthday."

  "What?" I sit up pushing my hands against his chest to balance my weight up. "Shut up! It's my birthday? No! It can't be! Oh my God, it is! Ha! It is my birthday. Oh God I am forty?"

  "Yes you are. Welcome to The Forty Club, my friend."

  "That's why you are here!"

  "Do you really think for a second I would have you spend your birthday alone?"

  "Well had I realized it was even my birthday this weekend, perhaps I would have figured that out? That is what we are celebrating tomorrow, well later tonight now? The cupcakes!"

  "We can have the cupcakes now. I will even sing to you. And yes that is why we are going to go out. Why it is fitting, you chose tonight over well, tonight. Midnight still feels like the same night for me. Anyway, you are wearing that dress!"

  "I am going to wear that dress! I am going to kick forty’s ass in that dress! Ah, I hope I get into that dress." I put my head back down. "Holy shit it is my birthday. Oh crap am I really forty?"

  Nick rubs my back. It feels nice. This moment being here. This way, this moment, right here, right now. His arms have always felt this gentle and strong. Comforting and secure.

  "Don't worry forty is not so bad. It is a new beginning Moe. A new beginning."

  "I know who you are Nick."

  "Who, Moe?"

  "My eyes. My eyes when I myself, can't see. No matter who we were or how we fought or how many times we lost and found each other. You always still see my strength. Even that damn book. I know you see it as my strength. You want me to look at life when I desperately want to turn away. Exactly like you being here now. Thank you for always coming back."

  "Don’t thank me for that. Please. As you said, someone can only come back after they have left.”

  “But always coming back has shown me always just how much you care. I may not have liked it always, but it doesn’t change being true.”

  “There is no place else I would rather be than right here now with you. God I am going to regret this or be thankful. But that is pretty much how everything goes with you and me."

  Before I know it. Nick lifts my face and his lips cover mine. Parting them, searching inside. A longing I could feel deep within him. He pulls me up higher on him. I let him. Holding my face with one hand as he grasps his other arm around me. His kiss is gentle yet hungry. I can feel his caution. Yet neither one of us let’s go. I move my arm up around to his neck, clasping my fingers around the back of his head.

  We kissed so many years ago. It was nothing like this. It was lustful, almost angry the very few times it happened. I always felt used. I do not now.

  This kiss, is of a man who has grown and lived life. This kiss is deep. He continues exploring me. It feels like it could go on forever. Until he finally pulls away. He slightly places the softest kiss on the edge of my lips. I am breathless.

  He drops his head back and runs his hand over his head. "I'm sorry. I had no right to do that. I wish I could explain who you are to me. I have tried to find words so many times. You find a way to say who I am and I have no idea how to materialize in words who you are. Except; love. You are love."

  I am still holding his neck and I pull him down to kiss him. This time I initiate. I have goose bumps. I feel a thrill inside me I’ve forgotten. I feel safe in a way I thought was lost. I feel yearning and desire. He is strong around me. I want more of him. I want us both to feel more. Maybe part of what we both lost? Maybe part of what we both need? Maybe the loneliness we both feel? Maybe, quiet the hurt and anger in us both? There is a safeness and comfort of knowing one another as long as we do. I know only one thing at this moment for certain. This is not about to end. I know what I want right now. It is time. It has been too long. I need to feel again. I need this tonight.

  Chapter Seventy-Four

  Kissing him deeper than he kissed me before. I want him to feel all that I am feeling. Hoping there is part of him that is feeling it also. It is only when he pulls back; taking my arm from his neck, I hear his hesitation.

  "Moe. God, you don’t understand. I want you more than anything. But I shouldn't have kissed you. I even said for God’s sake, I wouldn’t be this person after what we talked about less than an hour ago. I couldn't live with what this will do to us after. I am not going take advantage of your sadness. I never even meant for you to know what you now know! I can't. When you said what you said, I don’t know! It was the only way to express who you are to me. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m sorry. I always fuck things up with you."

  I sit up completely, placing one of Nick's legs over my lap. I want to look at him. Look him directly in the eyes. "Nicholas. We are human. We are both adults. Do you see me still flipping out? I even let you make jokes and I didn’t physically hit you. Though I am considering hitting you now for saying you are sorry for such a great kiss! Before you did kiss me, realizing it is my birthday I was laying here on you, thinking of all I need to get back to doing. Thinking of all the positive things ahead of me.
Time for me to change. That kiss, we just shared is two people who care about one another very deeply. We care about one another in such a unique and yes very fucked up ways at times, but you know our hearts are honest. Our actions not so much always.

  Can I tell you loneliness isn’t present or deny the fact I think we both need to feel again? I can’t. Lust alone can be therapeutic. There are probably things lingering beneath it for us both. Nick it isn’t because of what I just learned. You are not my “angry rebound fuck”. Don’t you want to feel something again? Don’t you feel safe right at this moment? I don’t think you could tell me there isn’t a hint of any of that. Nick, why does it have to be wrong? It certainly felt damn right. This second was never intended or planned. I do not know about you right now, but this feels alluring and in its simplest form, quite hot. I can't make complete sense of what it is. I am clear on what it is not. I am a big girl. Hello! I am forty! Nick I would never place you in a position again to lose what we have had all these years. That kiss was good. Really good! Do not become conceited on me now either. I know you have not lost all of you from kissing me twice. Arrogant you still are.

  Maybe you are underestimating, two people simply in need. We both have lost. Maybe I can’t go back, knowing that making love exists, but I also can’t ever deny that I still know sex can fill voids. I think you know that too. Many ways I love you. Most of all I am feeling safe because I trust you. Right this minute, stop analyzing it and let it be."

  Nick takes my face in his hands. "Let it be? I could lose all of me if I kiss you again. Then what happens after? I don’t want to see you walk away again as you did in Los Angeles. You are impulsive Moe."

  "I don't know what happens after. I do know you will never lose me. Somehow, we always come back to one another. Yes. I am impulsive and even reckless. Isn’t that part of what you do love about me? For a man who has no issue crossing every boundary, I really think you should shut up and kiss me."

  “Are you kissing me? Really me?”