I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  “Nick! Stop. You are such a dick! Did you not feel me kiss, you? Now shut up and do it again!”

  The music within swirls the insanity of my mind. I am impulsive. I am reckless with all hearts. One of the most insane or exceptionally sane moments has presented itself before me. Allie Moss, “Dig With Me”. Nick does not understand it does not matter who I think of. Like Pan, I am finding my shadow. The one I had again lost. Forget Oz, it is time for Neverland.

  Chapter Seventy-Five

  Nick is up and fast. He moves me aside. He places the copper cover over the fire pit forcing the tiny flames to finally die. All before I can blink, he takes my hand and pulls me up with the eagerness of a schoolboy. Oh God how I need this! Walking us both back in the house. I am slightly giddy at what is about to be. I know I am going to enjoy this. God only knows with me. There is a thrill that is stirring I long pushed away. I’m quickly aware, even beneath how I honestly care for Nick; I have not lost all of my wickedness. I feel this slightest sensation of control return. I am more alive this very moment than I’ve been in quite some time. I do not doubt I will be capable to survive yet again.

  Nick stops us, closes all the doors, locking them after. He looks at me as he takes my hand, leading us into my bedroom. I have never seen Nicholas Gallo nervous in twenty-one years. It is making him even more appealing than I am already finding him.

  There is a breeze in my bedroom. I can almost see how it is coming off the white caps of the ocean. The drapes on my bed fight to be freed. Nick holds me in his arms. I can feel him shake slightly. Nick has known the depths of my insanity even long before I did. I know for that reason there is slight hesitation on his behalf. The feel of his hand resting on the small of my back, only makes me want him closer.

  He looks toward the French doors and then smiles back at me. "Good to see you closed those doors so no beach flies could get in."

  "Crazy how those doors somehow opened again. I am not sure what we are doing in here. I said kiss me. Not take me to bed."

  The look on Nick's face is beyond priceless. His eyes widen, mouth drop and I can feel his pulse quicken. It is the only moment I will ever get him back for the torture he has put me through all these years. "Oh black and white would really capture this moment. Truly. I am sorry that was wrong. I couldn't resist. We are finally even. I am sorry. Though black and white..."

  "I hate you."

  "Always and forever. Now kiss me. I am not beyond begging. You must be warned it has been quite some time."

  "Are you kidding? I think we know that will be more my concern than yours."

  "Let’s take this slow."

  "I thought you didn't do "slow"?”

  “It has been a long time, might be nice to make it last. Lord knows I could end this all very quickly right now, but I don’t think you want me that way.”

  “No actually I do not. I have full intention of savoring this.”

  I gently pull Nick two steps back so my legs rest against my bed. I have many intentions, thoughts and desires suddenly swirling through my mind. I too have full intentions of savoring this all. Here, I thought today would be just another day.

  "I don't think we need to go so slow that we can't get rid of these first." I grab hold of the bottom seam of Nick's shirt.

  He smirks at me with the same devilish look that now crosses my face. "You do realize we are both control addicts? Not control freaks. Addicts."

  "Well aware. Are you concerned about that?"

  “Oh no. I am done with questioning you or this right now.”

  I lift Nick's shirt over his head. I cannot wait for this to begin. Nick. The one who could have possibly saved me from so many of my sins. I am about to commit so many with right now. I can see my shadow across the room. It is flying, just not quite with me. I feel wicked still. By the end of the night I will have my shadow behind me. My dark mirror once again. In the back of my mind I always did think Nick was a Darling.

  "It is actually rather enticing. Don't you think?"

  "It is beginning to feel that way." Nick responds as I roll my fingertips on the inside of his briefs, grabbing them with his sweatpants.

  I try to keep my eyes on his as I pull them down together, letting him step out of them. I cannot help but notice his physique. The defined muscles that have developed even in his legs. The actual six pack on his stomach.

  He has a new tattoo. This was not there when I saw him with his shirt off in LA. It takes me takes completely off guard as I move back up to his face. I run my hands up the sides of his body. Seduction is such a lovely game. Still I am fixated on his tattoo. I need a moment to process it before I continue to play.

  It is the entire right pectoral muscle. A cross. The impression of light encompassed in clouds that shine from behind it. Even in the dim moonlight shining into my room, it is all very clear. A very ornate yet bold masculine piece. The details strike me most. I am awestruck. In the fine lines that make up the outline of the cross, words are etched. Faith. Hope. Dream. Believe. Strength. Trust. These words are scrolled, yet hidden within this piece of art. If that is all that is here, it would be enough. It isn’t though. I see it. It is in the top corner on the edge of one of the clouds. The tiniest butterfly lay sideways embedded in his skin. Even though it is all black and grey, it may as well be a thousand colors as it projects itself into my present.

  "When did you get this? It is incredible."

  "Two months ago."

  I run my fingertips over it again. Tracing each line. "You chose-"

  He takes my hand and flattens my palm against it, holding my hand in his. "Please don't say I stole your words. These words are everyone’s. Yes, you inspired this piece. I copied. I did not steal. Do you see 'Trust'?” He places my fingers on the word. "Something I am in constant mindset of never betraying. I am a work in progress, no different from you. May we both never stop being."

  "This is unlike anything I have ever seen. It is incredible. It suits you. Is this butterfly for your daughter?"

  “You know it isn’t. Wasn’t it you who said earlier, “do not ask a question you truly do not want the answer to”.”

  I look in his eyes. I kiss him. I wrap my arms beneath his and run my hands all over his bare back. My body grows warmer and warmer. I shall never understand this man. I feel more anxious and hungry.

  His tattoo arouses me and touches me in a very different way. I am inscribed on his body forever, now in two places. Being on his skin, what I must really be in his heart? How does he always find a way to surprise me? How do I keep finding myself in new experiences? How is life this unpredictable? How is it I still have so much to learn? I thought I had experienced it all already. I genuinely believed only a matter of hours ago, I would never be touched, nor touch a man myself again. Now. Here I am.

  Chapter Seventy-Six

  Nick pulls back from my lips and begins kissing my neck. Gently kissing then sucking hard. He bites me softly in places I forgot existed. I drop my head back. He reaches up taking my headband from my hair, tossing it away from us. He pulls up the sides of my gown. Reality strikes me. It is pulling me from the being lost in desire. My scars, the new ones. I am Frankenstein beneath my gown. I was stitched in every direction. Scars. So many scars. Ugly. Without thought, I grab his hands pushing them down.

  He immediately stops kissing me. "What is it? Do you want to stop? We can stop.”

  "No. No. It's me. No, believe me, you are doing quite well."

  "Why did you push my arms away then?"

  "My scars. My breasts bare. They well; they look much nicer with clothes on. I am Frankenstein beneath this. I am ashamed. Maybe I should leave this on. I don’t want you to see. I liked your compliments earlier. When you see all the scars that cover me, you won’t feel the same."

  "Moe, how do you not understand me by now? There is no way I could find any part of you less than perfect. Besides, you forget. I always wished Bertha only had one breast, one real rather than two that were not truly her." />
  "You wrote that in the book."

  "That's when we wrote together. It is the truth."

  “There is no such thing as perfect Nick.”

  “True. We make our own definition of it. That is how I find you perfect. My definition. We both know it would not be yours. Perfection is not superficial. Perfection embodies an entirety. The good and the bad cohesive as one.”

  “I never thought of it like that.”

  "Of course not. I have always been the smart one in our relationship. Now. I don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Simply know we are all flawed. It does not take away from someone’s beauty. Sometimes, as in your case, life experiences whether they left you marked forever or not, actually make you more beautiful. You have always been. Your beauty comes from your spirit. These things I have watched you torment yourself over. Whether it be this insecurity over new scars or so many years you obsessed over a number on a scale. God how have you never understood even with all your life experience, none of it ever mattered. Look, some of us have scars on the outside. Others like me they cover our insides. It has always been in the way you carry yourself. What you project through your eyes. I will only kiss you all night if that is all you can really do. What I want most is to hold you. I want to feel again what I felt every time I held you on the dance floor a lifetime ago. I want a piece of heaven again Moe. That’s all.”

  He has pierced me. I do not even know how to respond. It is instinctual, not by choice I pull Nick closer and kiss him deep. I do want to feel more. I dance with his tongue, more ravishing than before. Nick is sensitive. The man who edits words, has seduced me with his own. Liberating. The real “me” lay beneath this gown. This body may change again still, right this moment this is who I am. I pull my gown up as I let our kiss fall from one another. I let it drop on the floor beside us. Nick looks at me. He examines me, but I see no judgment. I begin to take my thong off.

  He stops me with his hands over mine. "I’d like to do that."

  I let go as he clasps his fingers around the sides. He pulls it down slowly. As he does, Nick moves on his knees. I step out. I feel a chill of nervousness, even insecurity that has not completely left me. I also cannot deny the pure thrill and excitement all at the same time. His face is directly at the height of belly. My scars, above his head. If he tilts up ever so slightly he will see the T shaped scars on each breast. See the scars around my nipples. He will see the scars that run an inch from my under arms to the center of my breasts. Then also up the center of my breast to my nipple. If he looks close, he will see the four small circles, the scars on my abdomen from the grafting.

  He places his hands on my hips scattering kisses across my belly. He travels around my tattoos moving down as my body grows an ache. Nick finds my tattoo. This one resting below the eight-inch scar from my last back surgery. The one I did not wish to show him earlier. He now, on my hipbone causes a throb that pulsates between my legs. He traces his fingers over my latest ink. I watch him. I see him stare at, same as I did his. It is then, I feel him place the tiniest kiss at every corner of it. I am falling. No, I am drowning. This is the first time in months it feels so good, not be able to breathe.

  Nick does not stop. He moves back to my belly with erotic, seductive kisses. He slides his tongue over my torso as if I am water and this is his last drink. His hands move from my hips to my legs. Caressing the sides of my body. When he runs his hand between my legs. I grab hold of his shoulders. My body shakes from the inside out. He is not touching where I long for most, yet already I’m shaking. He moves onto one bended knee taking my now small breasts in each hand. He kneads each gently, while kissing my cleavage he forms as he moves my breasts together. He runs his tongue over both. I am honestly almost done. It has been too long.

  Nick stands swiftly feeling my chest rise and fall. Finding my mouth effortlessly, he kisses unlike before. A desire stronger. He did not even hesitate seeing my scars. I want him more.

  I wrap my arms tight around his neck. I am unable to stand still. I want him. I scratch his back as I leave his mouth to ravage his neck. Feeling him hard against me is making my lust insatiable. A mad sexual insanity returns. I want to feel him deep within me. I want rock on top of him. Explode with him in me. Contract all around him. I mostly want to feel him release in me. Right or wrong, I need my body to become someone else’s and I want it to be him. My lust for control returns.

  I cannot deny this is also different. I am recalling the pleasure of giving. He is responding to every kiss, to every brush over my hand over his skin as much as I am. If I pleasure him, it shall also guarantee all I seek after. Foreplay is necessary. Truth. I don’t want Nick feeling doubt or used. I want him to feel also. This is not solely about me. After everything, this very moment I do wish for him to feel as though he is the only man here in my mind. He is not in Ben’s shadow. Even if honestly every man shall always be. Twisted. Truly.

  Chapter Seventy-Seven

  How nice and strange it is to be almost the same height as a lover. As much as I am enjoying standing against him, I also want to feel the weight of him on me. Then I want to lay on him, press all of me over him. I take my arm and with it behind me I pull the blankets back. I sit, moving back toward the center of my bed. Never letting go of Nick's hand, I gently pull in so we lay beside one another.

  He brushes my hair away from my face. "Not in a million years when I stepped on that plane, would I have thought I ever would be here this way. This moment with you."

  I push Nick next gently on his back moving on top of him. I turn his head to the left as I begin at his neck. His hands on my back shake slightly. Stay with me Nick. Care for me, explore me but please do not love me. I need you to stop thinking. There is only one way. We need to focus only on the lust we are both feeling.

  I begin to lay kisses down his chest as I move my body down over his, inch by inch. His body is firm and solid. I usually do not allow myself to appreciate his stature and handsome good looks. Right now, he is driving me mad with lust. I stay on his chest, leaving wet kisses to catch the breeze and heighten his pleasure. I place myself down on his thigh. I want him to feel how wet I am as I take him finally in my hands.

  I find the devilish side of me. It surfaces as quickly as pulling the cork out of a fine wine. I feel free.

  I look up at Nick and smile. He is looking down at me. I stroke him as I lean myself completely back on his leg. Spread over him, I can feel every muscle in his thigh. His skin against me bare, my clit throbbing with want. Nick leans up on his elbows. He watches as I take him in my mouth. I close my eyes. I am ready for all of this. I want every second of this right now. Except eyes open. Eyes open, no one will ever have again.

  I take him deep. He not only has girth but rather substantial length. He is blessed, quite a bit more than many other men. I take all that I can. Move him in and out, holding my hand around him as I do. I never allow only my lips to be the pressure needed. I raise my other hand run it up and down his chest. His chest is not bare. A completely different feeling, sensation against my palm.

  "Moe…” I hear his head fall back against my pillow. It sends a small shake across my bed. Nick places his hands in my hair. It feels right. He is growing closer. With every stroke of my tongue his veins pulsate harder and grow more prominent.

  This is what I most enjoy. The last bit of control before the true unknown. His breaths quicken. His hips move under me. He moves his leg I am straddling. It only arouses my desire. We are finishing this here and this way.

  We will fuck after. My appetite will be larger. He will need to endure and last longer. I am a lot to handle. I do not doubt he will be more than capable. I’m hot from my own thoughts. I rub against his leg, I fight the urge of how easy it would be to climb on him and fuck him. For us both to come. I am so close it is torturous. I can’t help now by move more aggressively, all consuming him now. I toy bringing him completely in and out of my mouth. I run my tongue over his tip and then take him comple
tely in again. His fingers are so twisted in my hair he is pulling at me now.

  Delicious moans escape Nick lips. They are filling me with a deeper yearning. This is always the moment I have no idea what to expect. Control. This is when the table turns. I begin to taste him.

  I hear him, breathless, his chest heavy up and down. "God! Moe you don't have to."

  I dig my nails into his hips. I am not listening. I do as I please. I move him faster and harder between my lips and through the curves of my fingers. He climaxes deep against my throat. I hold tight drinking him. His torso is bent up as he holds me. Nick’s body trembles. He is finished. He is delicious. I am not all wicked in the end.

  I carefully remove him. I kiss his hip, then his belly before I lay my head on his hard stomach. A moment is needed to catch my breath. His grip in my hair lessens, but he doesn’t remove his hands completely. I smile to myself as I listen to him breathe, feel his chest still moving at a rapid pace. He is coming down from at all. Well done, Max.

  He breaks our silence. "Really Moe?"

  "I hope that is a positive "Really Moe?" I am smiling against his belly.

  "That is an understatement. Seriously? I do not even think I want to know where you learned how to do that so well."

  “We aren’t twenty Nick.”

  “Moe! Don’t you dare ruin this moment!”

  “I am simply acknowledging perhaps you had something to do with me seeking to master such a skill.”

  "Moe- please-”

  I laugh as I move up to lay completely on him.

  Nick smiles playfully at me, as he moves my hair behind my ears. "Are you trying to torture me? Was that wicked or innocent? I have never known you this way.”

  I sit up and straddle Nick leaning forward I place my hands on each side of his head. I look down at him. “Perhaps, I am trying to? Perhaps, I am a little of both. Perhaps, I want to hear you say how much you are enjoying this? Perhaps, I have wanted this for very long time. Perhaps, I am plain selfish? Perhaps, I want to make sure we fuck for a very long time tonight. Perhaps, pleasing you as I did was as fulfilling as straddling you as I am now and fucking you first. Perhaps, I am enjoying myself a great deal. Perhaps, I want to do that again before you leave me Sunday night. Perhaps, remembering that night you and I so briefly shared, you are setting me free from some of the ties that bind me? Perhaps, we both need to let go of ties that bind us now. Perhaps…you made a woman who had finally found innocence again and turned her wicked with just one kiss?”