Fall From Grace

by Kelsey MacBride

  The days seemed like weeks as Kevin settled into the small unit, his routine returning to some sense of normalcy. But it wasn’t long before the counters began to be littered with empty sleeping pill bottles and papers strewn all over the tables and floors, from one side of the loft to the other. Rachel and Sarah’s pictures stared at him, a haunting reminder of his past sins. There was no escaping the intense pain he felt, no matter how much he tossed and turned every night trying to make himself comfortable. He had tried taking sleeping pills, but even they failed to dull the pain completely as he cried himself to sleep each night.

  “Why? Why would you do this to them? I don’t understand you? I’m in so much pain. Lord, please help me. Take it away. Take away the pain. I can’t keep doing this.” Kevin sat back on his heels and screamed into the darkness as if God were millions of miles away. But he heard no reassuring answer, only silence. “Why won’t you answer me? Tell me what to do?” Kevin’s head fell to his chest. God do you really care about me? Don’t you know I’m suffering more than I can bear?

  Kevin felt he could no longer contain the unbearable pain; his heart felt like it was ready to explode. The old Kevin seemed like a distant memory, a man who had a promising career with the potential to achieve great milestones in his profession. But now everything was gone, and there seemed to be no redemptive hope for his life.

  Feeling the need to escape the cloud of negativity in his apartment, Kevin decided to drive downtown, hoping the change in environment would do something, anything to lift his mood. He parked in the middle of town across from a small vacuum cleaner shop that displayed several red upright vacuums in the front window and slowly trudged his way down the sidewalk without a purpose. It didn’t matter where he went. He just needed something to distract his mind. In the distance, he could see the pure white moon cast its shimmering reflection across the expansive ocean, making it a picture perfect moment. At any other time, Kevin would have basked in the beauty of the moment, even taking a snapshot of the memorable moment. But this time, the moon appeared lifeless and muted as if it were shadowed by storm clouds.

  As he neared an intersection, a loud commotion stopped him midstride.

  Kevin pivoted on his heels, and his eyes were quickly drawn to a frantic group of people near the intersection, huddled in a large circle. At that moment, something compelled him to find out what the commotion was all about. Was it God’s voice finally speaking to him? Or was it his gut instinct from all his years of medical training? Whatever it was, he couldn’t ignore the unsettling feeling inside that something terrible had gone wrong, and his help was needed.

  Chapter 12

  Stephanie finally found herself outside of the four walls of her childhood home for the first time in days. The warm nighttime breeze gently caressed her face as she walked arm in arm with her father down Little Lake Street in Mendocino. The street housed several white Victorian bed and breakfast hotels, and it was common for the locals to come out during evenings and stroll past the small boutiques or stop to chat with the owners of the hotels. Those with a sweet tooth would often satisfy their cravings with hot chocolate or warm pastries from the corner bakery, or homemade ice cream from the tiny parlor at the end of the street.

  Stephanie’s thoughts drifted to the sale of her home. She had been so worried about what to say to Ms. Eliza Rosenbarr about cancelling the listing of her home that she had let everything slip from her train of thought. She thought of the memories the house held for her. Of how she and Rachel had gone all out decorating it last year for Christmas. She remembered how they strung the lights around the outside making sure every bush and branch was covered.

  Memories of times when Rachel had made her breakfast in bed every Mother’s Day brought a smile to her face. She laughed at the times when she had to force a smile on her face after eating something Rachel had cooked, even if it tasted terrible. During the last couple of years, her daughter had improved her cooking skills, and she looked forward to the weekends when she could experiment with a new recipe.

  She also missed the days of preparing for the first days of school each year and watching Rachel sit at the table doing homework. Stephanie now knew from firsthand experience that the little things in life were the most important and often taken for granted. Rachel’s innocent smile or even a smart comment. Stephanie would have given anything for a second chance to experience those moments with her daughter again. Now she would never know what it would feel like to take her daughter’s pictures at the prom or hold a newborn grandchild. A tear fell from the corner of her eye.

  It seemed life had given her the raw end of the deal, and her future as a single person remained uncertain. There was no Godly man in her life, and she certainly couldn’t see herself having another child. How could she put herself through that again? To raise something so precious and sweet, something that brought unspeakable joy to her life, only to have it ripped from her life by some senseless accident.

  She looked over at her father beside her and gave him a smile as they stopped in front of the local candy shop. Howard Knight had always had a sweet tooth, and it wouldn’t have surprised Stephanie that was the real reason he had been so determined to visit the downtown area.

  “Look Daddy, it’s your favorite candy store.”

  “It sure is. You don’t know how much I miss eating those candied caramel apples with all the chocolate toppings. If it weren’t for this darned diabetes, I’d be eating one every day.”

  Stephanie chuckled. “But you know what the doctor said. You have to limit your sweets.”

  “Fooey. I don’t care what the doctor says, I just want to taste one of their samples,” her father said as he headed towards the door of the store.

  “Dad, you can’t do this to yourself. After all the hard work you went through to get yourself on track. You know what will happen. You’ll take one taste, and then you won’t resist the temptation to buy the whole apple. Don’t throw away your hard earned efforts for one candied apple. It’s not worth it.”

  Her father wrinkled his lips together and gave her a sigh. “Can’t the old guy enjoy life just a little? Does everything always have to be according to the doctor’s orders? Where’s all the fun in that?”

  “C’mon Dad, I know just the perfect place. The corner bakery has some sugarless dessert I think you’ll like.”

  Her father’s brows creased into a frown. “Sugarless pastries? No thank you. Doesn’t sound appetizing to me. I leave that garbage for the dieters who want to lose weight.” He gently patted his rounded tummy. “I don’t need to lose any weight. I’m perfectly happy with my body.” He gave her a wide grin, flashing the metal hook of his partial denture.

  “Trust me, Dad. One bite and you won’t know the difference.” Stephanie gave him an encouraging smile as she pulled him away from the door. Just as she turned around to start walking again, a strange noise stopped her midstride. Turning, she heard a garbled noise come from her father’s lips and watched as his face twisted with pain as he clutched his chest. She tried to catch him as the ground rose up to meet their faces but watched helplessly in slow motion as they both tumbled down on the sidewalk. She clung tightly onto his arm while he continued to gasp and clutch at his chest.

  “Daddy? Daddy! Someone help! Help! Call 911.” Looking down she saw that her father’s eyes were wide open in fright and glazed with pain. He looked at her with an agonizing look, and she ignored the tears streaming down her face as she held him in her arms. The minutes seemed endless as she sat on the sidewalk with her father in her arms. She wrapped herself completely around him as if the warmth of her embrace would keep him from harm.

  She looked up to see a man walking towards her through the crowd. His lips were moving, but she was too much in shock to understand what he was saying. It was as if someone had flipped a switch, and her world had turned into muted silence. She blinked her eyes and seconds later, she finally heard a shout.

  “I’m a doctor. Let me through. Excuse me.�
�� He had heard the yell for 911 and on instinct, his body had reacted as if he were still working in the emergency room. As he leaned over and looked at her, she stared blankly at him. “Ma’am. Ma’am! I need to see him. Can you remove your arms, please?” Nodding, she finally heard him and did as he commanded. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him as if he had some weird deformity on his face. But there was no time to worry about what was going on in the woman’s mind, he had more urgent priorities at hand. He turned his attention to the man on the ground and quickly began assessing the situation.

  After the older man was lying comfortably on his back on the sidewalk, he followed emergency protocol and began checking his vitals. The man wasn’t breathing, and after checking for a pulse three times, he realized there wasn’t one either.

  Kevin spread his arms to his side. “Everyone move back and give me some room, please.” As the crowd gave him room, he began to work in a repetition he had practiced so many times before. Slowly he counted. Two breaths listen. Two breaths then listen. Moving his hands down to the gentleman’s chest, he found the correct spot between his ribs. Then putting all his weight on the heel of his hands, he began the compressions. Seconds later, a cracking noise could be heard after he transferred his full upper body weight into his arms during a forceful compression. Kevin’s eyes winced, knowing what had just happened.

  But there was nothing he could do, even his CPR instructors had informed him that cracked ribs were one of the complications that could happen when performing CPR on a patient. He had more important things to worry about than cracked ribs, such as saving a man’s life, and he prayed tonight’s outcome would not be a repeat of what had happened in the past.

  Lord, is this a test? Are you giving me another chance to prove myself? Please, don’t fail me now!

  Kevin remained focused on the task at hand, performing thirty thrusts with his joined hands then giving two breaths and then listening. He repeated the cycle until he was out of breath and pushed still more even though he felt a burning pain in his arms. Kevin refused to give up. When he checked again, the air caught in his lungs. He was able to detect a faint heartbeat, and the man’s chest began to rise with breath. Kevin leaned back on his heels and wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead onto the sleeve of his shirt. He had been a Good Samaritan and brought the elderly man back from the brink of death; now it was up to the doctors at the local hospital to make sure he stayed that way. He felt a presence beside him and glancing up he saw a woman dressed in a blue uniform looking at him. Realizing it was the fire paramedics, he began reciting off information.

  “Myocardial Infarction. He needs an IV, and his respiration is seven. Pulse erratic and slowing. Let’s go. Now!” He waved his hands at the woman.

  The gun store and his self-destructive plans were forgotten in the panic. He looked at the young woman whose eyes were stuck wide open as she watched them embody her father with line after line of tubes and IVs. She was spellbound, and Kevin could see the look of fear in her eyes. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her there alone to suffer in agony, worrying about what would happen to her father. He quickly walked to her side and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. He could feel the warmth of her skin against his hand and the involuntary trembling of her muscles. His heart felt compassion for the woman.

  “Come on. I’ll take you to the hospital. They’re going to need all the room they can get in the ambulance to get him stable.” Numbly she walked behind the stranger and sat in the small blue car. She didn’t see anything except the large white vehicle that they followed at neck-breaking speed. Snapping into reality, she finally remembered her mother who had stayed at home alone by herself. She began to dial her mother’s number but stopped. She and her father had driven the only family car, and her mother was stranded at home without a ride.

  There was only one way her mother could get to the hospital. She dialed the neighbor next door and told her what was going on. Joan had been a good friend of her mother’s since Stephanie was a toddler, and she knew that the woman would make sure her mother got to the hospital OK.

  After he parked the car, he walked beside her into the hospital and asked the nurse behind the small desk the status on the heart attack victim. Stephanie finally snapped out of her musings and looked at the man as he spoke.

  “Yes, ma’am, I’m the one who helped him. My name is Dr. Kevin Pierce. I was in the area. Yes please. This is his daughter.”

  Turning, Stephanie looked at the receptionist. Then shock registered on her face. She remembered that name. She had seen it on the death certificate and the paperwork from the hospital the day Rachel died. She turned and looked at the man again. Her jaw dropped when she realized that this was the man that tried to save her daughter from death. This was the man that the hospital had said fell apart after that night. She looked at him and finally really saw him. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was tousled. He stared at her blankly, and then his eyes widened.

  The woman was lovely, her face radiated compassion and warmth as he looked at her, and then he realized why she had been so familiar. She was Rachel’s mother. The woman who had fallen apart in his ER waiting room that night he couldn’t save the young girl.

  “You.” She said it softly, and he watched her as tears seeped from the corners of her eyes. He felt like a fool standing there looking at her. He was the reason she didn’t have her daughter. He expected her to hit him, scream at him, and belittle him. Not stare calmly at him.

  “Ms. Knight?”

  “Yes. I looked for you. It was a few days after, but they said that you were no longer at the hospital.”

  “No, I needed some time off. Look, I can’t tell you ...”

  “Thank you.”

  His eyes rounded in surprise as he stared at her with wonder. “What?”

  “I had wanted to say thank you. And now it seems I owe you another thank you after today. Were you looking for me too? I mean I moved out here and ...”

  “Oh no. I moved here a week ago. Hold on. Thank you? I don’t understand. I couldn’t save her.” He turned away from her as guilt came back to haunt him. He had rehearsed those words like a broken record hundreds of times in his head, but when the words spilled out of his mouth, they seemed so much more real. Like they were final. His thoughts came back around when he felt her hand over his own.

  “I know. But you tried.”

  His hair swayed as he shook his head. “Not hard enough. I’m sorry.” Kevin pulled away before pivoting on his heels and heading towards the door of the emergency room. As he passed through the glass doors, he stole a last glance over his shoulder back at the woman who had been watching him as he walked away.

  Was this a cruel joke from a sadistic God in heaven who enjoyed torturing his created beings? Or was it some Divine sign of where his life was headed? Kevin wagged his head. He almost believed the former. Sure he had stabilized the woman’s father, hopefully giving him a fighting chance at a longer life on earth. But what good could come out of torturing him or the young woman by reliving the painful memories of the past? If God was giving him a sign, he failed to see what greater good could come out of their chance meeting. But then again, no one could read the mind of God.

  Kevin continued past the doors and made his way to the car, quickly escaping back to his apartment. He made a collage with the papers already scattered across the floor of the bare living room, and he sat before his private memorial, staring blankly at them again as if it was his first time. Pulling the small bottle out of his jacket pocket, he traced the pills down with the bottle of water left on the floor from a few days ago. Then he crumpled into a fetal position on the sofa, staring at the papers until he finally felt himself start to dissolve into a fitful sleep. In his sleep, he was accompanied by two young girls who were forever in his thoughts.

  Chapter 13

  Stephanie looked over at her mother silently. Her mother’s eyes were puffy from her car ride over, and she decided may
be what her mother needed was some coffee. Making her way to the counter with the coffee pot, she began mixing the cream and sugar into the black liquid slowly. She must not have been seen because out of the corner of her eye she watched as two nurses made their way to the vending machine.

  “Yeah, he was here with a woman. No her father came in. I remembered when he stepped in the hospital. One of the nurses at the desk immediately recognized him from a picture she had seen in a magazine. He is amazing and the Council of American Medicine was looking at him for their new upcoming award. Dr. Pierce was on the high rise.” The woman’s voice was low and soft, although Stephanie heard every word she said.

  “So what happened?” the other nurse said. Her voice was just as quiet and soft.

  “It’s so sad. There apparently was a young girl who was in a car accident. He couldn’t save her, and he let himself go after that. Apparently, he could never come to grips with the fact he couldn’t save her. Eventually the hospital had to let him go.”

  “Wow. That’s sad.”

  The girls’ voices trailed off as they began to walk farther away from her. Stephanie wanted to follow to hear the rest of the conversation but turned in the other direction towards her mother instead. She sat down and absently handed the cup over to her mother as she stared down into the tan liquid of her own cup.

  “He’s going to be alright Mom. Dad will pull through. You’ll see.” She sat next to her mother and put her arm around her shoulders.

  “I don’t know honey. I’ve never been so scared in all my years. Your daddy has never looked like that before.” Tears streamed from her cheeks as she looked at her daughter with fear. A feeling of guilt swept over her for relying on her daughter’s comfort when she knew how much she had already been through. But there was no one else to vent her feelings to, and she felt like her airway had being cut off. As if a boulder had been placed on her chest, and she was helpless to remove it.