Songs Unfinished

by Holly Stratimore

  “But that’s not true.”

  “No, but she doesn’t know that. So I exaggerated a little. You should’ve seen her—she went ballistic that you were giving up. She said you’re the heart and soul of the band, and she wasn’t about to let you throw away your future because she had been so selfish and stupid. She went on and on about how wrong she was to think she could make it alone, and how much she missed all you guys already. She was close to tears.”

  Jaymi sat quietly for a few moments. “Wow. Maybe she’s finally beginning to grow up. So she’s definitely coming back?”

  “She’ll be at your next rehearsal.”

  Jaymi shook her head in wonder, grinning at Shawn in appreciation. “You really know how to put that charm to work when you want to, don’t you? I mean, nobody gets to Nikki like that. Not even me, and I’ve known her longer than anybody.”

  “What can I say? Gotta make the most of what skills I have.”

  “You’re amazing.” She remained seated and began to gather their dishes, but then stopped. “Wait a minute, you said there was bad news—but good bad news…”

  “Yeah, well, if Nikki’s coming back, that means you won’t need me to fill in anymore.”

  Jaymi frowned. “Is that really what it took to get Nikki to come back? She said you have to quit?”

  Shawn shook her head. “Uh-uh. No. It’s your no-office-romance rule, remember?”

  “So…?”

  “So if I’m out of the band, there can’t be any objections to you and me dating, right?” Shawn gathered their plates and took them to the sink, as though she needed to put physical distance between herself and the answer.

  Jaymi was taken aback. This should be a good thing, the right thing. But she enjoyed being onstage with Shawn. They performed well together. She got along great with Kay and Brian. There were no big egos to deal with. Sure, it meant they could spend more time together. But with Shawn out of the group, their lives would go on separate paths.

  What if Shawn joined Passion Play permanently? It was a smart career move for both of them. Would their romance survive?

  Jaymi’s heart and dreams were both at stake here. And what about Shawn’s heart and dreams? My career is already starting to take off. What if hers goes nowhere? Will she be content to stay behind while I’m out on tour? Is she even thinking that far ahead? How fair is it to expect that of her? What if she gives up on us like Peach did and winds up in bed with someone else? Her inner voice was mocking her. The rule was your idea in the first place, you bonehead. It made sense at the time. It was even kind of a joke, since they all knew their relationships with each other would never be more than platonic.

  Great. She finally felt safe enough to take things to the next level with Shawn, and now she was questioning her judgment. There were huge risks whether Shawn was in the band or not. She knew she had to consider the possible consequences not only for herself and Shawn, but for Nikki, Kay, and Brian, as well.

  She looked mournfully at Shawn, who was washing the dishes, and completely oblivious to the dilemma spinning through Jaymi’s mind. She dried her hands and turned around with a playful glint in her eye. Jaymi promptly smiled, hoping Shawn hadn’t caught any sign of her turmoil.

  “I just want to make one thing clear. I didn’t do all this tonight to seduce you,” Shawn said.

  Jaymi quirked an eyebrow. “I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted by that. It’s the work uniform, isn’t it? I know it’s not my best look—”

  “I think you look damn sexy in it,” Shawn blurted, and her slight blush didn’t prevent her from continuing. “It drives me crazy every time you come home from work.”

  “Are you serious? This?”

  Shawn snaked her arms around Jaymi’s waist and pulled her close. “If I had a dime for every time I couldn’t keep my eyes off you, I would’ve been a millionaire a long time ago.”

  Oh, Shawn. Don’t do this. Don’t keep making it so easy to fall for you. Before she could stop herself, she asked, “Shawn, are you saying—?”

  “Since the first time I saw you.” The phone rang. They both groaned, then laughed, simultaneously. “If that’s Karla, she’s dead meat.”

  Jaymi snatched up the phone. “Hey, Sara. What’s up?…No way! That’s awesome! She must be ecstatic…Yeah, Saturday works, there are no gigs this weekend…Yeah, no problem, talk to you tomorrow…’Bye.” She hung up and sprang into a dance around the kitchen.

  “So, you want to let me in on the celebration or what?” asked Shawn, as she watched Jaymi’s happy dance.

  “They’re publishing Devin’s book! She got the call today.”

  “Wow, that’s great.”

  “We’re throwing her a surprise party here on Saturday.”

  Shawn’s smile suddenly disappeared. “Saturday, huh?”

  “Yeah. What’s wrong?”

  Shawn shook her head and shrugged. “Nothing.”

  Jaymi playfully grabbed her sleeve and led her into the living room and onto the sofa. “Now, don’t give me that. Tell me.”

  “I was thinking of taking you out to a movie or something, depending on how things went tonight.”

  “Oh, really? Tell you what, then, I’ll be your date for the party, and we’ll catch a movie on another night.” Jaymi went serious again. “Shawn, were you just trying to tell me that you’ve been attracted to me since we met three years ago?”

  Shawn sighed heavily. “Guilty. Now do you understand why I didn’t ask if I could stay with you when I lost my apartment in LA? I knew you had a girlfriend. It would’ve been torture to sleep on your couch, knowing you were in the bedroom with another woman. I just couldn’t do it.”

  “I had no idea you felt that way. I guess I can understand why it would have been difficult. Still, I wish I had known you were homeless. I feel awful that you were out on the streets when I could have given you a place to stay.”

  “But your girlfriend—how would she have felt about it?”

  Jaymi let out a disgusted sigh and rolled her eyes. “I doubt she would have noticed you were there. She wasn’t home much. And she trusted me, so there’s no way she would have worried about me fooling around on her.”

  Shawn smiled and slid in closer to Jaymi. She lightly traced her fingers through Jaymi’s hair and rested her palm on her cheek. “If I had stayed with you, I would have given her a reason to worry.”

  Jaymi covered Shawn’s hand with her own, squeezed her fingers, and removed them from her face. “I don’t cheat.”

  Shawn smiled mischievously. “Ah, come on, you telling me you wouldn’t have even been tempted?”

  “I don’t cheat.” Jaymi stood up, letting go of Shawn’s hand. “It’s late, and we both have to work in the morning.”

  Jaymi headed down the hall and slipped into the bathroom to ready herself for bed. She glared at the mirror. You’re overreacting. Shawn’s just flirting with you. You’re stressed and she hit a nerve. Do you want to be like Peach and sabotage what you have with her because you’re scared?

  That was it. You’re scared. She flinched as if the truth had slapped her in the face. You’re falling for Shawn and you’re scared out of your wits. Did you really expect to go through the rest of your life without letting yourself love again?

  She splashed water on her face, took a deep breath, and let the air out slowly. She repeated this until she felt her pulse slow, and then she stepped into the hall. Shawn had retreated to her room and closed the door. Jaymi knocked lightly.

  Shawn opened the door silently. The wounded look in her eyes was heartbreaking.

  Jaymi gingerly ran her fingers through Shawn’s thick hair. “Hey,” she said softly.

  “I’m sorry,” Shawn said. “I didn’t mean to remind you of what she did to you—or imply that you’re capable of cheating. You’re better than that and I know it.”

  “No, I’m sorry.” Jaymi caressed Shawn’s cheek. “I’m taking out my insecurity on you, and that’s not fair.”

>   “Guess I have to work on that flirtatious side of me. It tends to get me into trouble.”

  Jaymi smiled. “It’s a part of who you are, so don’t change it on my account. I don’t want you feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around me and watch everything you say. I’m the one that has the problem letting go. I feel bad that I spoiled our first date.”

  Shawn took a step toward Jaymi and took her into her arms. “The only thing that can spoil our first date is if you tell me there won’t be a second,” she whispered.

  Jaymi shivered at the sensation of Shawn’s hot breath in her ear. She nuzzled Shawn’s neck and said, “That depends on whether or not I get a good-night kiss.”

  “We’d better not. I might not be able to stop at just a kiss.”

  “Then I guess it’s a good thing that I never jump into bed on a first date.”

  “Oh, you are such a tease…”

  “Take it or leave it.”

  *

  Jaymi lay in bed alone, trying desperately to fall asleep.

  What-ifs started running through her head again. What if Mom had never become ill? What if she had stayed in California? What if things had improved with Peach once she’d finished school and they had time to focus on their relationship? Would they still be together? Would Passion Play be closer to accomplishing their dream of a recording contract?

  What if Shawn had asked Jaymi for help in California? Would she have hit rock bottom as she did? Would Shawn’s crush have eventually gone away? Would she have developed feelings for Shawn in return?

  She flipped over and punched her pillow in frustration, longing for the questions to cease and for sleep to find her. She prayed for a clear mind and consciously focused on her breathing, slowing it down, forcing her body to relax. Finally, after some effort, it began to take effect. She began to drift into sleep.

  Then the screaming started.

  Jaymi burst into Shawn’s room and grabbed her flailing hands, calling her name repeatedly until she came to. She pulled Shawn’s body into her own and rocked her gently. “I’ve got you, Shawn, I’ve got you. Shh. You’re safe. I’ve got you. Easy.”

  Once the tears finally subsided, Jaymi placed an arm around Shawn’s waist and helped her up. She led her into her own bedroom and settled her into bed. She shut off the light and crawled in beside her. Shawn curled into the fetal position but let Jaymi wrap her arms around her. She fell asleep in Jaymi’s arms as Jaymi caressed her face and peppered her head with gentle kisses.

  The temptation was getting too difficult for Jaymi to resist. Shawn was in her bed, wrapped warmly in her embrace, and Jaymi couldn’t deny the willpower she needed to keep from confessing her feelings, throwing all caution to the wind, and making love to her right there and then.

  No. Shawn was in her bed because of Brinkman’s attempted rape and the fact that it had left her with deep scars. There was no way in hell she wanted that image in Shawn’s mind when they made love for the first time. The magnitude of the trauma Shawn was dealing with only increased Jaymi’s growing desire to be there for her. It wasn’t that she wanted to rescue her. She simply wanted to prove to Shawn that for once in her life there was someone who wasn’t going to abandon her in a time of need. Jaymi wanted to be that someone.

  If she was having reservations about moving forward now, maybe it was more about giving Shawn the time she needed to deal with the attack. Jaymi couldn’t imagine the horror and fear Shawn must have felt as it was happening. Every time Shawn had one of these nightmares, it became clear how badly the experience had affected her.

  Jaymi had been so worried about being the one that wasn’t ready, that she hadn’t considered the extent to which Shawn might not be ready, either. They had talked about taking things slowly. Were they taking things slowly enough? It hadn’t been easy, but they had refrained from sex, despite the temptation. That alone indicated a solid foundation for a mature relationship.

  Jaymi knew she couldn’t fix Shawn—she needed professional help. Jaymi wondered if Shawn would be willing to meet with LaKeisha for counseling at Sara’s youth center. She decided to ask her about it in the morning. For now, she was just glad Shawn was able to sleep.

  She thought about the events of the last five weeks. She couldn’t deny the positives that had developed since Shawn moved in. Her creative juices had awakened with a vengeance. Each workday while she was on the road, her mind flooded with lyrical ideas. Numerous times throughout her shift, she had to pull over or take a few minutes in the car between deliveries to scribble lines in her notebook. She had picked up Shawn’s practice of carrying a pocket recorder with her to hum or sing melodies that rushed into her head at the most unexpected times. And more and more, she came home from work and headed directly to her studio to put the songs together while Shawn cooked dinner.

  She’s like the perfect little housewife, Jaymi mused. And she’s spoiling me rotten. Perhaps if I simply bask in this warm feeling and focus on the present, savoring this moment, I’ll sleep.

  Instead, she found herself comparing Shawn to Peach. Peach was so strong. She exuded confidence, nearly to the brink of arrogance. She studied her brains out to be the best—determined to outdo everyone. But much of her strength had been anchored in her fierce competitiveness. Peach hated to lose. Yet she had an amazing ability to discern when defeat was imminent. And she could accept her losses with dignity and bow out respectfully.

  So she sabotaged her relationship with me. She knew it was a losing battle. I was coming home to be with my mother no matter what—with or without her.

  Jaymi knew it wasn’t that simple, though. Love for a parent could be as strong as love for a partner. Jaymi’s gut and heart both told her an unconditional lover would know she wasn’t choosing one over the other. It wasn’t a competition. Or, at least, it shouldn’t be.

  Peach would probably think Shawn is weak, thought Jaymi. Shawn isn’t weak. She’s one of the strongest people I know, and not because she prides herself in it. She isn’t even aware of her own inner strength. There was something familiar about it. A quiet strength that Jaymi had seen in the two people she admired most: her parents. No wonder I feel such a connection with her.

  Shawn was a survivor. She knows who she is and what she wants. She drove cross-country and moved to California on her own. Without the support of her family. Without a lover or friend by her side. Totally alone, and that took guts. She was intimidated by Nikki, yet she stood up to her anyway and earned her respect. She didn’t let Karla get away with harassing me. She went to bat for me, and is still protecting my privacy. She dealt with the deaths of her mother and her aunt. By herself.

  An unexpected rush of emotion surged through Jaymi’s heart. I didn’t want this in my life now. I’m not ready. Or am I? How would I know if I am ready? Shawn was real. Her presence attracted attention in subtle ways. People were drawn to her because there was something genuine about her. No pretense. She steps on a stage and bares her soul through her guitar strings. Through her voice. She shows her wounds through her music.

  Jaymi knew it wasn’t easy for Shawn to trust. But Shawn trusts me. She came to me with an instinct that I wouldn’t turn her away. And that’s why I can’t make the first move to make love with her. It has to be when she feels safe. When she knows I won’t abandon her. When she trusts my feelings for her.

  Whatever those feelings are.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Shawn exited LaKeisha’s office feeling more empowered than she could ever remember feeling. It would take time to recover from the post-traumatic stress she was suffering from Brinkman’s attack, but she felt confident that she would do so. She was incredibly glad Jaymi had talked her into going to counseling after her last episode of nightmares. As reluctant as she’d been to relive the nightmares of her past, being able to open up about them suddenly took a hell of a lot of the sting out of them.

  There was a small waiting area a few steps down the hall. Four cushioned chairs were lined up against the
wall with a small square table in between. While waiting to make her next appointment, Shawn tried to avoid eye contact with a young woman seated in one of the chairs, but couldn’t shake the feeling the woman looked familiar. She was dressed in well-worn jeans, work boots, and a heavy, slightly oversized leather biker jacket. Her dark, unkempt hair fell across her face. She looked up when she sensed Shawn’s scrutiny and recognized her immediately.

  “No fucking way! Shawnie, is that you?”

  “Mel! What are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same thing. Shit, I haven’t seen you since high school. You, like, disappeared off the face of the earth.”

  “I’ve been in California. Just got back about a month ago.”

  “No shit. Man, I can’t believe it. I thought I’d never see you again.”

  “I didn’t plan on coming back.”

  Mel looked Shawn up and down and smiled widely. “You fucking look good, girl. You lost weight, but, shit, you fucking look good. Can I take you to dinner? Fatten you up a bit and give us a chance to catch up? I’ll only be fifteen minutes or so—just gotta give sexy Ms. LaKeisha in there the good news that I’m still sober. Three weeks today without a drink.”

  “Good for you. But tonight’s no good, I’m beat. And my…” My girlfriend? My roommate? “My ride’s waiting for me.”

  “Oh. Well, maybe some other time, huh?” They stood in an awkward silence for a moment, both shuffling their feet, eyes fleeting. “Good to see you, Shawn. Damn, I’ve missed you.” She raised her pale brown eyes slowly to meet Shawn’s. It was a familiar look, one that had weakened Shawn numerous times in the past. It still worked.

  “Tell you what. Let me give you the phone number and address where I’m staying.” Shawn grabbed a notepad and pencil off the waiting room table. “There’s a party Saturday night—nothing big or wild or anything. Why don’t you stop by?”

  Mel beamed as she accepted the invitation. “Cool.”

  “I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable if LaKeisha’s there.”