Playing for Keeps

by Rosa Temple

  I pulled my lips into a smile and nodded my thanks.

  ‘What if the radiation works?’ I said after ten gruelling minutes.

  ‘Magenta, don’t.’ Stella stood up. We were the only two in the waiting room and our voices seemed to bounce around. ‘You have to come to terms with it. Be at peace with it. Hugo most definitely is.’

  ‘I think he looks scared,’ I said, following her agitated pacing with my eyes.

  ‘He just doesn’t like hospitals.’

  ‘Him and me both.’ I paused a while, waiting for Stella to stop moving around. ‘I won’t get in the way of anything you want to do for Hugo. I just couldn’t take a step back, despite what I said when you came to visit me. I have strong feelings for him. N… not like yours but I care so much and it just breaks my heart to think…’

  When Stella turned towards me her face was already wet with tears. She saw, too, that my expression had crumbled and that I had practically slumped off my chair, a quivering mess. She rushed over to sit next to me, burying her face in my shoulder. We sat and wept for what seemed an incredibly long time. I was so grateful for her company and I imagined she meant what she’d said about being glad I was there.

  Hugo might have wanted to come across as brave, keeping us at arm’s left while he battled radiation treatment on his own, dealing with failing health and ultimately his own death, but we both had to be near him. Until the last breath I would be there for Hugo. Stella and I were in this together.

  Chapter 19

  It was Saturday, late morning. Since Anthony had been back from his commission in Italy we had yet to re-establish our Saturday routine, brunch at Rhythm ‘N’ Brews. So off we went to put that side of things right.

  November was icy and my birthday was close. I would be thirty-one years old, practically a grown-up, Mother had said. Being Mother, she wanted to throw a family dinner to celebrate the success of the shop, the birth of Milosz, Anthony’s homecoming, my birthday and anything else she could think of to have us all round for a get-together at the family mansion in St John’s Wood.

  Admittedly I’d seen very little of my three sisters or my parents over the past months. My parents’ second wedding was the last time we’d all been in the same room at once. The dinner date was getting closer and, with my spirits so low, I wasn’t really looking forward to it.

  Hugo’s radiation had been as we’d all expected but wished wasn’t the case: weeks of hell, chronic side effects and the confirmation that radiation had not shrunk back the cells around the tumour and that Hugo’s fate was unchanged. Once he’d recovered from the sickness brought on by radiation therapy he’d taken a trip back up to Cumbria to be with his dad for a while and had made loose plans to return to London. In the meantime he had tried to convince Stella she should go back to Brazil and return at a later stage. Stella worked as a reflexologist and had probably lost all her clients by now, she’d claimed, so had no intention of leaving Hugo’s side. I thought it was wrong of him to have asked her.

  ‘Penny for them,’ Anthony said as we made our way to the café bar.

  ‘Who, me?’ I said, letting him put his arm around my shoulder but not slipping mine around his waist as I normally would. ‘Oh, nothing.’

  We both waved through the window of Portmanteau before going in to Rhythm ‘N’ Brews. Zac blew a kiss and wiggled his fingers at us from the shelf he was arranging.

  The café was buzzing and we hovered by the entrance to be seated. Our seat was taken but that was probably for the best. I didn’t want Zac and Jaime to think their boss was spying on them. They worked well as a team and the shop was doing so much better than I had expected, and every bit as well as I’d hoped.

  Finally Anthony and I were seated. His Italian tan had faded. Since his return to London he’d cut his hair short again and replaced his glasses with contact lenses. He could now show off his enormous brown eyes and the long lashes I could only ever achieve with truckloads of mascara or false lashes. I could stare into those eyes for hours at a time but lately I’d found myself looking away whenever we were up close because my mind was largely on Hugo and his health and wondering what he might be doing or thinking or feeling at any given point of the day. I’d call Hugo every now and again just to check in but he always kept the conversations short and seemed in a hurry to get me off the phone. I also wondered if Stella was around him. I don’t know why it bothered me that she would be but somehow it did.

  ‘Is everything all right, Magenta? The office running smoothly?’ Anthony leaned across the table.

  ‘Yes,’ I said, not looking up from the menu. ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’

  ‘Well, this is the time we catch up on everything so I want to know. You haven’t mentioned bag samples, production lines, international orders or magazine shoots in a while. I was hoping it was all okay at work.’

  ‘It’s great,’ I said. ‘More than great actually. Did I tell you that Riley got engaged?’

  ‘You didn’t. With that Jimmy guy? But I thought they’d only been together a minute.’

  ‘It’s been almost two years. They moved in together months ago.’

  ‘Well, good for them, I suppose.’

  There was an uncomfortable silence as we both looked at our menus. We usually discussed the food and talked about what we were going to have, saying we could share if one of us fancied what the other was having. But we kept our distance across the table and chose our food in silence. I looked around the busy restaurant; the waiter was running around several other tables and not looking our way at all.

  ‘So they haven’t named the day or anything yet?’ Anthony said out of nowhere.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Riley and Jimmy. We were just talking about them.’

  ‘Oh, them. No. Or at least I don’t think so. Jimmy is all Riley ever talks about; you’d think I’d know if they’d set a date. But I think it’s still early days. You know, it takes some people ages to get their act together.’

  We were at a central table so there seemed to be a lot of action passing by us and it just wasn’t conducive to any serious talk. Anthony went quiet again. I suppressed a yawn and looked out across the road at the shop. I could see Zac preening himself in one of the mirrors behind the back shelf and I could see Jaime in full sales-pitch flow with two women while a number of others browsed. Someone entered the shop just as a waiter finally popped up.

  ‘Take your order?’ he breathed.

  We ate in silence for most of the meal and I ordered more coffee than perhaps I should. I had been working late a lot and going to bed late. A few times I had been up till all hours cross-legged on the sofa, plaits at each side of my head pinned up with bobby pins, researching cures for cancer. Anthony had come downstairs, once, bleary-eyed and asked if I was coming back to bed. I’d slammed the laptop shut and said in a minute, and then gone on to follow endless links to various sites for another hour or so.

  ‘I’ll pick up my camera and things and head straight over to Anya’s after this,’ Anthony said as he drained the last of a fruit juice. ‘Remember? She wants me to do the portrait of mother and baby? She says Milosz looks less like a shrivelled pea so I thought I’d take the shots, have her choose the best one and paint it from the photograph.’

  ‘I’ll come with you. I feel like I haven’t seen Milosz in ages.’

  ‘You were there yesterday.’

  ‘Yes, I know, but he does something new every day and I don’t want to miss a thing.’

  ‘You sure you’re okay, Magenta? You just seem so out of it lately. So distracted. I barely get two words out of you and that’s not like you.’

  I gave him my biggest smile. What he actually meant was are we ever going to talk about us? Each time he’d tried to get serious or heavy I couldn’t face it and gave him the brush-off. I tried getting around it by staying at the office for longer than I needed to and then finding myself reading research material on various cancers.

  ‘I’m fine. Absolutely fine. I just love b
aby Milosz and I love seeing the two of them together.’

  We left for Anya’s. I drove there with the radio on, blasting it on full when The Supremes’ ‘Baby Love’ came on. I did attempt to sing but I didn’t have the best of voices. Anthony opened the passenger window. Afraid he might jump I turned the radio down and stopped singing.

  Anya was in full make-up when we arrived, wearing a stunning dress that was tight around her waist. She’d wasted no time getting her baby weight down. It seemed to melt away the second she was home and I was suspicious she’d gone back to her supermodel diet of near starvation just so she could wear size-eight clothes again.

  ‘Darling,’ she said, air-kissing me at the door. Motherhood had added a little warmth to her personality I noticed, though she still avoided physical contact if she could. She was soft and gentle with Milosz but with the rest of us she still barked instructions and behaved just as brusquely.

  Henry was in the living room feeding Milosz. Anya pulled me to one side and stretched out her left hand, waving it in my face. A magnificent black rock almost had my eye out.

  ‘You got engaged?’ I exclaimed looking around the room at Henry, Anthony and then back at Anya. She nodded her head several times.

  ‘Black star sapphire,’ Anya said admiring her ring finger. ‘Henry asked me last night over dinner and I said yes.’

  I threw my arms around Anya, almost knocking her flying. Tears automatically sprang to my eyes and leaked before I could blink them away.

  ‘Don’t cry, silly girl. I thought you’d see it as another opportunity to go all vedding planner on us again.’

  Anthony agreed, though he probably wasn’t overly keen for me to take on the role again. He’d been the only witness to my hair-pulling moments and meltdowns when I was in planning mode for my parents’ second wedding, often telling me to take a step back and just breathe. I’d come close to boxing him a few times because he thought I couldn’t handle the pressure.

  ‘I’m so happy for you both,’ I said giving Henry a kiss on the cheek. ‘Congratulations.’

  ‘I’ve got champagne in the fridge,’ said Anya. ‘As you’re here, too, maybe a few glasses after the photo shoot?’

  Anya showed Anthony where she thought they should have the photographs taken. They moved to the other lounge with the gorgeous fireplace, its cast-iron surround painted in pale yellow, and Anthony began setting up lights. In front of the fireplace Anya had positioned a rocking chair and when Milosz finally stopped crying she wrapped him in a knitted white shawl, so delicately fine it looked like lace.

  ‘You know what, Anya?’ I said as Anya and Anthony discussed poses. ‘I’ve got a bit of a headache coming on. I think I’ll let you guys get on with this and maybe you can come to me for dinner this week so we can celebrate the engagement then.’

  ‘Er… okay then, darling, if that’s vot you prefer.’

  ‘I’ll see you at home, Anthony,’ I called as I headed down the hallway. He looked at me, puzzled, and gave a half-wave before I disappeared out of the door.

  Outside, before I could get back into the car, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I let the air out slowly. I hadn’t realised up until then that the tragedy surrounding Hugo was becoming too much for me. Every time someone had something to celebrate I froze, as if I wasn’t allowed to be happy about anything.

  I had become systematic and practical at work. Riley had looked puzzled and a little taken aback when she told me about her engagement to Jimmy; that day I’d had to remember to smile.

  Hugo was a hard secret to keep and I’d lost track of why I thought keeping his situation to myself had been such a good idea in the first place. Now life was moving on. Anya was a new mum and talking about getting back on the catwalk. Anthony was into experimenting with a new style and had talked more about renting an art studio with an artist friend of his. I was in contact so little with friends I’d gone out with before starting the business and I so rarely saw Mother, Father and my sisters that I felt like I had no one to talk to about it anyway.

  I was still tearful with happiness for Anya and her good news but it occurred to me I was crying a little too easily these days. I’d often thought to call Stella, share my feelings with her, but changed my mind at the last minute. Of course, whenever I spoke to Hugo it was never about how scared, angry and sad I was. For him I tried to be light and happy. It would be selfish to burden him of all people with my feelings.

  I drove off, turning left at the end of the road instead of right and finding myself in the one-way system in the middle of a busy Saturday afternoon and not able to find Richmond Bridge so I could make my way home. I decided to sit in the slow-moving traffic and just went with the flow. Eventually I found myself in Hammersmith and then the Fulham Palace Road from where I navigated my way home. It seemed to take for ever.

  I’d been sitting on my red sofa staring at the wall for a good while. I heard Anthony’s key turning in the lock before I knew it, no idea how much time had elapsed.

  ‘You all right?’ he said with his head around the door.

  ‘All good,’ I said, giving him my most cheery smile. ‘How did it go?’

  Anthony came in then and sat beside me.

  ‘Had a long chat with Anya after you left. I think I know what’s going on with you and I think I know what I can do about it.’

  He tapped my thigh then and jumped to his feet.

  ‘I’m going to use Sophie’s darkroom,’ he said. ‘That way I can get the contact sheet to Anya quickly and make a start on the portrait as soon as she chooses the best photo.’ He nodded and smiled as if he had a secret he’d been sworn to keep but was bursting to tell me. I screwed up my brow and watched him leave with a smile as wide as the Cheshire Cat across his face.

  I was totally puzzled. I had no idea who Sophie was, but I was in no mood to ask or to question what it was Anthony thought was going on with me and how he thought he could help. Instead I lay on the sofa in a foetal position, hugging a cushion to my tummy until dusk fell and the living room grew chilly.

  Chapter 20

  Our dinner at Mother’s came around quickly. Too quickly. I wasn’t sure I was fully prepared and I definitely wasn’t prepared for what followed the meal.

  I played happily with my niece, Tallulah, who insisted on bouncing on my knee for the longest of times after seeing me pick up Anya’s baby and saying how cute he was. Tallulah then bombarded me and kept me from having meaningful conversations with the sisters I hadn’t seen in ages and the parents who had been ringing me on and off and complaining I never called or came to see them any more.

  ‘I do have a business to run,’ I said as I charged around the living room with Tallulah on my back. She had me carry her to the dining table too.

  Having Anya, Milosz and Henry at the table distracted Mother enough so that I wasn’t under her constant surveillance, and the interrogation session was mercifully short. When Tallulah was told to sit in her chair and not move until her vegetables were gone, her big eyes watching the wag of her mother’s strict finger, I was finally able to relax for the first time in ages and enjoy a lovely meal. Mother had called in caterers and the smell from the kitchen had been tantalising to say the least. Milosz slept soundly in his Moses basket for most of supper.

  ‘So what’s next for the Shearman Bright empire?’ my younger sister, Ebony, asked as the waiting staff gathered the dessert plates.

  ‘I haven’t thought about what comes next,’ I said, reaching for my wine. I’d already consumed a fair amount. There was no work for me the following day. Just a Saturday in which Anthony and I could be our typically lazy selves for the day. We could stay in bed for as long as we chose so I chose to drink myself senseless on that Friday night. Why not?

  ‘Are you not going to begin that idea you had for dress designing?’ Mother said.

  ‘I seem to remember it being your idea, Mother. But, no, I haven’t thought that much about it. No time, if I’m honest.’ I poured myself another gla
ss of wine and shook the practically empty bottle next to Anthony’s glass. He put his hand over the top of it.

  ‘I’m all right, darling,’ he said. ‘In fact I wanted to keep a clear head tonight because there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.’

  I looked around the table, feeling worried, especially since the whole family were looking at me quizzically and waiting for Anthony to start talking about this mysterious topic of his. I tipped the rest of the wine into my glass and slugged a few gulps.

  ‘Here?’ I asked him. ‘You want to talk here?’

  Anthony just smiled at me and at everyone around the table before he pushed his chair back.

  ‘Yes, here,’ he said, ‘Right here and now. It’s almost your birthday and I wanted to present you with something I hoped you would like.’ He looked across at Anya for a brief moment. When I turned to her she was nodding at Anthony for him to proceed. What on earth…?

  ‘A little while ago,’ he continued, ‘you told me how your assistant at work, Riley, got engaged and that some people just know when it’s right.’

  My bottom lip immediately dropped and I looked frantically around the room. Oh no he wasn’t. Not with the whole family here. Mother was clasping her hands together at her heart, eyelashes fluttering.

  ‘And then later,’ Anthony pressed on, ‘we visited Anya and Henry and, wouldn’t you know it, they had just got engaged themselves. So I was thinking they must know too. They knew it was right. I thought you looked upset that everyone was getting engaged and you weren’t. Remember how you left really quickly in tears? Well, it was Anya taking me to one side that made me realise something that’s been staring me in the face for so long. I don’t know why I dragged my feet.’

  Here Anthony slid the chair away completely and got down on one knee. A perceptible but inaudible gasp went around the table. Even Milosz gurgled from his basket.

  ‘So,’ Anthony said, as I sat shaking my drunken head from side to side, ‘would you, Magenta Bright, do me the honour of being my wife?’ His hand went to the back pocket of his jeans. He brought out a diamond engagement ring not in a box.