How to Get Ahead in Television

by Sophie Cousens

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Is this really cool or really lame?’ asked Leon, coming to join us.

  ‘What?’ asked Jude.

  ‘This “Neigh” version of “Pray” they’re doing. I kind of like it, but I’m not sure I should.’

  ‘I think it’s cool,’ said Jude, tapping her foot to the beat.

  ‘Oh, Poppy, you’ve got to go fill in an accident report about what happened,’ Leon told me.

  ‘Oh really?’

  ‘Was that you who set off the rape alarm?’ asked Jude.

  ‘I didn’t set it off, well, not on purpose. I… It’s a long story.’

  STEP 47 – DON’T BE AFRAID TO ACCEPT HELP

  FROM: RHIDIAN

  TO: POPPY

  Poppy, sorry, I was asked to take Princess Yoho back to her hotel and help with her things. Speak tomorrow. X PS Please don’t go to Glasgow…

  THE LAUNCH SHOW went without any further hitches, and I managed not to perpetrate any more catastrophes. At the end of the show I looked for Rhidian, hoping we might go out for a late-night drink, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I got the text explaining he’d been asked to escort Princess Yoho back to her hotel and felt a surge of jealousy. Maybe Princess Yoho did have her sights on him?

  I took the train home and got back just after eleven. I felt totally exhausted, my brain bursting with so many emotions. I was overwhelmed by everything that had happened with Rhidian. Was it real, or had I just imagined kissing him and him saying all those lovely things?

  My excitement about Rhidian didn’t change the fact that I didn’t have a solution to my employment conundrum. I’d basically told JR to stuff it, and I needed to let the Glasgow job know tomorrow. I didn’t want to leave London now, but if I didn’t take the Glasgow job I’d be destitute, and out of TV. It crossed my mind that I’d rather stay in London and work as a barmaid if it meant I could be with Rhidian, but then my inner feminist chastised my outer self for being so ready to put a man before my career.

  At home, Natalie was still up, laughing with someone in the living room. I walked through to say hello, and found Natalie and Aunt Josephine sitting cross-legged on cushions on the floor.

  ‘Oh, Poppy! You’re back!’ Natalie jumped up excitedly.

  ‘Aunt Josephine, what are you doing here?’ I asked, going over to my aunt, who was dressed in a strange tie-dye jumpsuit and sackcloth shawl.

  ‘Your aunty has been teaching me how to chant! Listen: “Om… mani… paddy… om”.’ Nat demonstrated her chanting in a serious, low tone. She sounded like a hippo.

  ‘Almost,’ Aunt Jospehine corrected her. ‘Om… mani… padme… hum.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ I said, still perplexed as to why Aunt Josephine was sitting in Nat’s living room.

  ‘Poppy, I’ve been speaking to your mother,’ Aunt Josephine began, ‘and she tells me she’s trying to starve you out, like the siege of Troy. She’s trying to force you out of an artistic career by cutting off your financial support.’

  ‘And your aunt is having none of it,’ Natalie cut in.

  ‘You, Poppy, are a girl after my own heart, and I won’t see you bullied by Barbara. Our parents never cut us off when we were your age. Do you know how long it takes an artist to earn any money? Why, I wasn’t self-sufficient for at least five years.’

  ‘I’ve been hearing all about the ham,’ said Natalie. ‘It sounds delicious.’

  ‘It’s kind of you to be concerned, Aunt Josephine, really it is, but I do understand my parents’ position. I mean, I can’t expect them to support me forever.’

  ‘I know she only wants the best for you, Poppy, but sometimes my sister can be a touch… Well, she’s not an artist like you or me, is she, Poppy?’

  Whenever Aunt Josephine referred to me as an ‘artist like her’, I felt rather fraudulent. Nothing I had done in the last three months could possibly be considered art.

  ‘Well, it’s very kind of you to back me up with Mum,’ I said, still not clear as to why Aunt Josephine felt the need to come to London at eleven o’clock at night to tell me this. (Except for the fact that she didn’t have a phone, so any form of communication had to be done via post or in person.)

  ‘I’m not here to back you up, Poppy, I’m here to offer funding for your artistic endeavours. I’ll sponsor you, if you like, so you can follow your dream and do what you want to do.’

  ‘Aunt Jo to the rescue!’ Natalie cried.

  ‘Well, that’s really kind, Aunt Josephine, but you… I thought you didn’t have any money?’

  Aunt Josephine laughed. ‘Me? Ha! That’s what your mother likes to think. Just because I don’t feel the need to spend it and I live in a barter economy, doesn’t mean I don’t have it.’ She chuckled again. ‘Most of my ham money is still sitting in a bank account somewhere. I don’t keep track, but I think it was over three hundred thousand pounds last time I received a letter about it.’

  ‘Woah!’ I said, sitting down on one of the cushions on the floor.

  ‘I like your haircut,’ said my aunt, noticing the tuft. ‘Anyway, I don’t necessarily believe in money, or what it represents. I’ll leave it all to the Bee Preservation Society when I’m gone, but until then, if I can help my favourite niece get on her feet, then there we go, the ham fund can handle a withdrawal.’

  ‘Aunt Jo, I really couldn’t,’ I protested.

  ‘Now I mustn’t stay any longer, I’ve already imposed on your darling friend for long enough.’ Aunt Josephine got out a cheque book and started writing. ‘If you don’t end up needing it, Poppy, then, well, there’s more for the bees, but if you’re stuck, well, what are eccentric old aunts for, hey? Now, Natalie, I’ll say goodbye. It’s been a delight to meet you. Do feel free to visit me at the commune if you want any more meditation tips.’

  Before I could think of what else to say, Aunt Josephine stood up in a blaze of tie-dye, kissed me on the cheek, thrust a cheque into my hand and floated out of the door. I looked down at the piece of paper, dumbstruck. She had written me a cheque for ten thousand pounds.

  ‘Your aunt is really something,’ said Nat. ‘What an awesome woman. Maybe I’ll go and live on a commune and call myself Harmony or Shawallawalla and spend all day communing with geese and leaves. That could be my “thing”.’

  ‘You don’t need a “thing”, Nat. Well, anyway, thank you for entertaining her.’

  I said good night to Nat and went to bed. I should have been overjoyed that my aunt had come to the rescue with a big, fat cheque, but for some reason I wasn’t. I felt an unnerving lump in the pit of my stomach, like I’d swallowed concrete. Natalie’s words from the other day rang in my ears as I lay in bed: ‘Nothing worth having comes easy’. I stared up at the ceiling, cursing my aunt for presenting me with such temptation, and then chastising myself for cursing such a well-intended act of generosity. My mind then went back to Rhidian and I had images of him being seduced into bed by Princess Yoho.

  FROM: POPPY

  TO: RHIDIAN

  U R not being seduced into bed by Princess Face R U??

  Xxxxx

  FROM: RHIDIAN

  TO: POPPY

  She isn’t clumsy enough for my tastes.

  No kiss? Oh god, why was there no kiss on his text message? Maybe he’d gone off the whole idea? Maybe he was in bed with Princess Yoho? What was I fretting about? It was a stupid text message – it didn’t mean anything. This was Rhidian – gorgeous, kind, wonderful Rhidian. I put Aunt Josephine’s cheque to the back of my mind and fell asleep trying to remember every moment of those mind-blowing dressing room kisses.

  STEP 48 – BE PREPARED TO ACCEPT FEEDBACK

  THE NEXT MORNING I walked through Soho towards work, perhaps for the one of the last times. I was wearing a fitted long blue maxi dress and Nat’s faux leather jacket (which I’d hadn’t got around to returning yet). I picked up a flat white from my favourite coffee shop on Wardour Street and said hello to Terry the Big Issue seller who worked on the corner. I felt a
t home here. I almost felt like a real Londoner at last.

  I loved Soho – everyone walking the streets looked like they had a story. Girls with blunt fringes and bright red lipstick, gay guys who looked like they were coming from or going to somewhere exciting, shops and restaurants and bustle – it just felt like life was really happening. I felt like a more interesting person in Soho, like someone might be curious about my story. I wasn’t sure I’d feel this way on an industrial badger set in Glasgow.

  In the post room everything was as it always was. How could everything here be exactly the same when everything felt so different?

  ‘Someone looks ’appy!’ said Helen, giving me a high-five.

  ‘Well, didn’t you hear? She got raped by a horse. Nothing says good mood like good old-fashioned horse rape.’ David smirked.

  ‘Oh great, so everyone knows, do they?’ My good mood started to dissipate.

  ‘Well, it were all over TV,’ Helen shrugged.

  ‘I wasn’t, I wasn’t all over the TV,’ I sighed.

  ‘News travels faster than a marauding horse on the loose,’ concluded David.

  ‘So is it your last day tomorrow?’ Helen asked. ‘Are you gonna go to Glasgow, do that badger show?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said.

  ‘Well, you’d better make your mind up quick, missy. I tell you, I’m goin’ to miss havin’ you around,’ said Helen, ruffling my hair.

  ‘She’ll be back,’ said David.

  ‘I wouldn’t be too sure,’ I said. ‘If it were up to Shannon Long, I would never work in TV again.’

  Mel stuck her head around the door.

  ‘When Rhidian gets in, you two need to go see Jack Chamberlain ASAP. Capisce?’

  ‘What, me? Why?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Mel sighed. ‘At a guess, maybe you’re in trouble for ruining RealiTV’s biggest show. I mean seriously, Poppy, I know you assume everyone is in love with you, but JoJo the horse? Really?’

  I ignored Mel’s taunts but couldn’t help feeling she might be right about the reason for the CEO’s summons.

  ‘I wouldn’t worry about it,’ said David. ‘You’re leaving anyway, right? Rhidian should be worried – he’s the one whose gotta work here for the next year.’

  As if on cue, Rhidian appeared through the door.

  ‘Hey.’ He beamed at me.

  ‘Hey,’ I said. The butterflies were back.

  ‘Hello? What’s going on with you guys? No more frostiness?’ asked Helen.

  ‘No more frostiness,’ said Rhidian, taking my hand.

  Helen looked as if she might explode with excitement.

  ‘We have to go and see Jack Chamberlain,’ I said.

  ‘What? Why?’ Rhidian asked me.

  ‘I don’t know, maybe about yesterday? Look, you’re the one with a job here; I have to tell him you had nothing to do with the horse incident. It’s not fair for you to take any blame.’

  ‘It might not be about that,’ Helen tried to reassure us.

  We got into the lift together and headed up to the fifth floor. We didn’t speak, Rhidian just squeezed my hand. Outside Jack Chamberlain’s office, we told his PA Antonia that we’d been asked to come and see him. She nodded and told us to take a seat.

  ‘Rhidian, I’ve been thinking,’ I said quietly. ‘Maybe I should ask JR if I can still have that job on Banker’s Bonus. It’s a good opportunity. I think I should just swallow my pride and do it … at least that way I can stay here with you…’

  Rhidian shook his head. ‘I was thinking about stuff too. I want to turn down the runner placement and let them give it to you. Can Your Dog Do Your Job? said they would employ me as a researcher on the next series anyway, so I’d only have a month out of work.’

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘I’m not letting you do that. You won fair and square. Winning the placement is an amazing thing for your CV, you can’t just give it away.’

  ‘I don’t want you working with Ravenstone.’ Rhidian sighed. ‘He has this hold over you, Poppy. I know his type: as soon as he thinks you don’t want him any more, he’ll be all over you.’

  ‘What, you don’t trust me to resist?’ I asked, offended.

  ‘No, it not you…’

  ‘So you’re just going to give me your job?’ I hissed. ‘I’d rather go to Scotland.’

  ‘So you’re too proud to want to remain in the same country as me?’

  We sat in silence for a moment.

  ‘Look, we’re probably both about to get fired anyway…’ Rhidian trailed off.

  ‘Jack will see you now,’ said Antonia, tapping her pen against the desk to get our attention.

  Jack Chamberlain’s office was huge. There were framed posters of all RealiTV’s hit shows on the wall. There was also a giant cast photo from the show Till Death Us Do Party, which was a massive hit about ten years ago. It was a show that sent five couples on the brink of divorce to a party island. They had to compete in various challenges and then the winning couple got free divorce lawyers and arbitration in their separation. It was a classic show. Often the couples ended up reconciling on the island, so didn’t even want the prize once they won it.

  ‘My first show idea,’ said Jack Chamberlain, seeing me looking at the poster. ‘I was getting a divorce at the time. You never know what’s going to inspire you.’

  ‘It was a great show,’ I said.

  ‘We haven’t formally met,’ he said, offering us both his hand to shake. ‘You know the runner placement was my idea? Some people think it’s a little harsh, making people fight for a job, but some of my best producers have come through that programme: JR, Shannon, Vanya. It teaches people that you have to compete to get ahead. It teaches people you have to be better than the next guy, that you have to want it more than the next guy.’

  Rhidian and I stood in silence, not sure where this was going.

  ‘We’ve both learnt a lot from it.’ I nodded.

  ‘Good, I’m glad,’ said Jack Chamberlain, pacing up and down his office. ‘I hear there was a little excitement up at the launch show last night?’

  ‘Oh, um, yes, that was entirely my fault,’ I said. ‘It was a hundred per cent me,’ I jumped in before Rhidian could say anything, but Jack Chamberlain cut me off.

  ‘No matter. The news exposure made it our highest-viewed launch show. Eleven million, can you believe it? You know how many shows get eleven million on a Wednesday night? None. It’s ground breaking. What we do here at RealiTV is ground-breaking. You want to make ground-breaking television, Poppy? Rhidian?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ I said.

  ‘Yes,’ Rhidian nodded.

  Jack Chamberlain sighed. ‘I hear things that go on in this company. Things I don’t necessarily like.’

  Oh god, were we in trouble for kissing at work? My mind was working overtime, trying to work out why we were here if this wasn’t about horseaggedon.

  ‘I hear elements of some of your ideas may have been taken without the proper accreditation?’

  He looked at us sternly. Neither of us said a word.

  ‘Could you log-on to that computer, Poppy?’ he asked, indicating a laptop that was set up to the company home page. I logged on, my hands shaking.

  ‘You sent a write-up for an idea to James Ravenstone – can you pull out that email for me please?’

  I searched my inbox and found the email he was talking about. I hoped to god he wasn’t going to make me read it out aloud. Along with the attached document of Bank My Bonus was an email exchange between JR and I that involved a lot of ‘you look pretty today, Dangermouse’-style content. Shit, shit, SHIT! Perhaps I was going to get prosecuted for sexual harassment in the workplace?

  ‘That it?’ asked Jack Chamberlain.

  ‘Uh-huh,’ I mumbled.

  Mr Chamberlain quickly scanned the email. He sent the attachment to his printer and didn’t comment on the email content. Silently he went to his printer and started reading my Bank My Bonus write-up.

  ‘And
you wrote all this yourself?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, JR did help me with a second draft after that one. I guess he showed me how to format it properly, and improve some of the rounds.’

  I could feel Rhidian seething that I was still defending JR.

  ‘But you wrote this one yourself?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Jack Chamberlain’s expression was hard to read. We all stood in silence as he finished reading the document.

  ‘This is close to what we’ve had commissioned, Poppy. It’s a great top-line idea. You should have been credited for it.’

  ‘Um, thank you,’ I said.

  ‘And Rhidian, I hear you are a budding animator? Tipsy and Tim, that was your idea?’

  ‘Just the title,’ Rhidian said. ‘I don’t know anything about the project. It was just a title idea I had for a personal project.’

  ‘And then I mentioned it to someone and it got confusing,’ I jumped in. ‘It was really my fault it ever got mentioned.’

  ‘I don’t like ideas not to be credited to the right people,’ said Jack Chamberlain. ‘I also don’t like talent slipping out from under my fingers.’ He looked annoyed now. ‘You’re due to leave us, Poppy. You didn’t win the placement, so you’re off to pastures new?’

  ‘I don’t know, sir.’

  ‘You don’t need to call me sir,’ he laughed. ‘Call me Jack.’

  ‘Well, Mr Ravenstone did offer me a job on Banker’s Bonus, but…’

  ‘But you didn’t really fancy working for him after he stole your idea.’

  I stood silently, not wanting to confirm or deny that.

  ‘Here’s what I’m going to say,’ Jack went on. ‘Rhidian, you’re already staying with us. I’ve heard very good things, and I hope you will live up to the hype. If you want to work in animation, I’ll see you get the chance, and I’ll also see you get paid for your contribution to the Tipsy and Tim project. If you’d rather have the title back, then I’ll make them change it.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Rhidian, looking genuinely surprised.

  ‘Poppy, you’re an ideas person, I like that. This company is built on ideas and is only ever as strong as it’s last one. We need good people. I’m putting together a new international development team and I want you to be a part of it. I’ll also see you get credit for Banker’s Bonus and a percentage of the format fee.’