How to Get Ahead in Television

by Sophie Cousens

  ‘Yes!’ I said, unable to contain my excitement. ‘I would LOVE to be on an international development team!’

  ‘I’m glad.’ Jack smiled, clearly amused by my excitement.

  ‘What will happen to JR? Is he in trouble?’ asked Rhidian.

  ‘Yes, he’s in trouble.’

  ‘Will he be fired?’ Rhidian asked hopefully.

  ‘No, he won’t be fired,’ Jack laughed. ‘If I fired every perfectly good producer who took a little credit where they shouldn’t, I wouldn’t have any producers left, and JR, for all his faults, is one exceptional producer. Let’s just say he learnt from the best.’

  Rhidian nodded sagely, looking as though he regretted saying anything.

  ‘So, Poppy, talk to Dominic about your new contract, and I look forward to having you on the team. It’s not bad getting a prime-time commission in your first three months in the industry, Miss Penfold – I’ll be keeping an eye on you.’

  We left Jack Chamberlain’s office and I did a little excited dance in the corridor.

  ‘Well done,’ said Rhidian, and then leant in to whisper in my ear, ‘I really want to kiss you, but I don’t think it would be very professional, right outside the CEO’s office.’

  Back in the post room, Helen and David were watching a YouTube clip of a cat jumping up and down on a toaster.

  ‘So?’ Helen asked, swinging around in her chair and putting her green DMs up on the desk.

  As I relayed the exciting news, Helen didn’t seem at all surprised that we weren’t in trouble.

  ‘I just don’t know how they knew that JR took Poppy’s idea and my title?’ mused Rhidian.

  ‘Well…’ Helen grinned.

  ‘You said something,’ said Rhidian.

  ‘I couldn’t say nowt,’ Helen answered. ‘You guys think I’m just another runner, but folk at this company listen to me, you know. They know I know what’s really goin’ on ’round ’ere.’

  David kindly volunteered to cover the post room so that Rhidian, Helen and I could go out for a celebratory lunch. I even extended the invitation to Mel as a peace offering, but she said no. Well, actually, she said, ‘I’d rather eat sand, horse girl’, but I think she meant ‘no thanks’.

  At lunch I showed Helen and Rhidian the cheque from Aunt Josephine.

  ‘Wow!’ said Helen, ‘she really made all that brass makin’ art out o’ ham?’

  ‘Are you going to cash it?’ Rhidian asked.

  ‘No,’ I said, ripping it in half before I could change my mind.

  Helen gasped.

  ‘The bees need it more than I do. I have a job now, remember!’

  ‘Yes, you do,’ said Rhidian, putting a hand up to my hair affectionately.

  ‘So, this is… this is happenin’?’ Helen asked, indicating the two of us.

  ‘Yes. It’s happening,’ Rhidian confirmed.

  ‘Oh, thank god,’ cried Helen. ‘It were killin’ us watchin’ you two pussy-footing around each other.’

  ‘There was no pussy-footing,’ said Rhidian.

  ‘There were so much pussy-footin’, it were like pussy-footin’ Olympics.’

  We were quiet for a moment and I took a sip of my coffee.

  ‘So ’ave you done t’ deed yet?’ Helen asked.

  I spat my coffee across the table to save myself from choking.

  ‘I’ll take that as a no.’ Helen grinned.

  ‘You can’t ask things like that, Helen,’ said Rhidian, rather sternly.

  ‘Look,’ said Helen, ‘I feel partly responsible for you guys gettin’ together, you know, after the whole stationery cupboard idea, which were where it all began…’

  ‘It began way before then,’ said Rhidian.

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, waaay before.’

  ‘Really?’ said Helen. ‘Anyway, I just want to know that after all that pussy-footin’ around, and drivin’ us crazy wi’ the sexual tension, I just want to be reassured that you’re both ’aving best sex o’ your lives. That will ’ave made it worthwhile for us long-suffering observers.’

  ‘Really, Helen, stop talking,’ I said, my face going into a blush-induced meltdown.

  STEP 49 – NEVER HOLD A GRUDGE, TV IS A SMALL WORLD AND YOU’LL HAVE TO WORK WITH PEOPLE AGAIN

  FRIDAY MORNING, MY last morning as a runner. I’d called Patricia Armitage and informed her I wouldn’t be taking the Scotland job; I’d written a letter to Aunt Josephine, thanking her for her generosity but explaining that I thought I should try to do this on my own; and then I called my mother to stand down her urban planning job/arranged marriage plan.

  ‘An “international development job”, Poppy? Oh, that sounds very up-market. Is it for the Civil Service?’ Mum asked over the phone.

  ‘No, no, it’s still in TV, but it’s developing ideas for the international market,’ I explained.

  ‘Oh.’ I could hear her disappointment.

  ‘It’s good news, Mum. I’m excited.’

  ‘Oh, you know what is exciting,’ my mum said, perking up. ‘Clementine is seeing Ian! Lorraine told me, would you believe it? So I might marry at least one of you off respectably after all.’

  ‘Mum, Clem is only twenty, I doubt she’s going to marry the guy.’

  ‘Well, I was married by her age, darling, so you never know.’

  ‘Well, it’s very different now. No one gets married until they’re at least twenty-seven.’

  ‘Twenty-seven!’ Mum cried.

  ‘At the earliest,’ I said, wishing I’d said older to buy myself more time.

  ‘Well, I don’t know.’ Mum sighed. ‘I suppose I’m just thankful you’re not moving to Glasgow any more. If you’re not going to get married until twenty-seven, you can’t afford to be losing any years off your life expectancy. You’ll barely have time to have children!’

  ‘Okay, Mum.’

  ‘And Poppy, darling?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Well done. I mean, I know you think I’m just an old nag, but I am proud of you for making a go of this. As long as you’re happy, that’s the main thing. You know that’s all I really care about?’

  ‘Thanks, Mum. I love you too.’

  At work, JR was prowling around reception, evidently waiting for me to come in.

  ‘Penfold, a word, please,’ he said, pointing to the meeting room before striding into it ahead of me.

  Mel made a ‘slit throat’ gesture.

  ‘So, Penfold, I hear somebody has been rather vocal about somebody’s involvement in a certain format idea,’ said JR once we were both in the meeting room with the door closed. ‘I was always going to credit you, you know, you didn’t need to go running off to the CEO.’

  ‘I didn’t say anything, James, I’m not sure how he found out about it.’

  ‘Well, I just wanted you to know that I forgive you for being a cocky little upstart, Penfold.’

  ‘Um, thanks, I guess?’

  ‘I mean, one show’s format fees are a drop in the ocean compared to what I’m earning now. Don’t think you’ve made some irreparable dent in my income.’

  I nodded. JR didn’t sound as though he was trying to convince me; he sounded as though he was trying to convince himself. The rage I’d felt towards him had dissipated since the meeting with Jack Chamberlain. JR was a flawed character and everyone knew it, even the CEO. He’d chastised me for being a naïve romantic, but I figured I’d rather be a naïve romantic than view the world through his jaded eyes.

  ‘And if you’re going to stay here at RealiTV,’ JR went on, ‘on this “international development team” or whatever latest scheme Chamberlain has cooked up, then it’s best you don’t feel guilty about anything that happened between us. I’m sure we’ll have to work together in some capacity in the future…’

  Me feel guilty? Ha!

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘So it’s best we’re on amicable terms. I don’t want you harbouring any schoolgirl resentments about how things worked out between us, Penfold.’

 
‘Oh, I don’t,’ I said with a little smile.

  JR looked flustered. I’d never seen him like this; it was quite satisfying to see him so uncomposed. Just then, Kel O’Shaunessy burst into the meeting room, wearing a bright-red dress, dark sunglasses, tottering on huge high heels and sporting a large horseshoe-shaped bruise next to her collarbone.

  ‘There you are, J. Look, when I say ten o’clock, I mean ten o’clock – don’t leave me waiting in reception.’

  ‘Kel, can’t you see I’m in a meeting here?’ seethed JR.

  ‘I don’t care if you’re having an audience with the Queen of goddamn England. I say ten, you meet me at ten.’

  ‘Oh, but it’s fine for you to be late when we’re meeting my friends?’ JR said tetchily.

  ‘I’m not having this conversation again,’ Kel said, clicking her fingers at him. ‘Come on, my car is still waiting and I’ve got six store appointments booked.’

  JR looked mortified that this domestic was happening in front of me.

  ‘And you can’t get your stylist to go shopping with you, darling?’ he said through gritted teeth.

  ‘I fired her. She’s recovering from laser eye surgery – I can’t have a stylist who can’t see. Come on, J, I don’t have any high-cut outfits to hide this monstrous bruise. I want a whole new wardrobe and Strictly Come Prancing are going to pay for it.’

  With that, she turned and flounced out of the room.

  ‘I’ll… um… We decided to give things another go,’ JR muttered by way of explanation, his gaze pointed to the floor. ‘I’ll see you later then.’ He looked like a broken man.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘And good luck with the shopping. If in doubt, just say she looks amazing in everything.’

  JR groaned and shuffled out – a condemned man walking to the gallows. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost…

  STEP 50 – ALL THAT’S LEFT TO SAY IS GOOD LUCK, YOU’LL NEED IT!

  FROM: RHIDIAN

  TO: POPPY

  Gorgeous girl, meet me at Waterloo at 6? I’m taking you to the OXO Tower for drinks to celebrate your new job… x

  NAT AND I were sitting in our favourite coffee shop in Greenwich, catching up over coffee.

  ‘So it all worked out,’ said Nat.

  ‘Weirdly, yes.’ I grinned.

  ‘Hmmm,’ Nat said, making a strange face.

  ‘What, I thought you would be pleased? You were the one pushing Rhidian from the beginning. I can’t wait for you to meet him. He is so… so…’

  ‘Dreamy, amazing, gorgeous, hilarious, yeah, yeah, whoop-de-do for you.’

  ‘Nat, I wasn’t going to use any of those words. Why are you being a sulk face?’

  ‘I’m not really. Sorry, Pop, I’m just… Well, from a selfish point of view, life is just that bit more amusing when I’ve got your disastrous escapades to hear about. Your life’s not going to be nearly so eventful now you’re all happily loved up.’

  ‘Nat, I’m sure there are still going to be disastrous escapades. I am still me, after all.’

  ‘That is true. Okay, well if you promise to still get your butt on the news, send horses rampaging around London and almost kill Valerie Decouz on the motorway, then I promise to be happy for you about the boyfriend thing.’

  ‘The Valerie Decouz one was not funny, Nat,’ I said.

  ‘No, no, not funny at all.’ Nat pulled a mock-serious face. ‘What’s Rhidian’s surname, by the way?’

  ‘Drummond.’

  ‘Poppy Drummond – I can see that.’

  ‘Oh please, you’re as bad as my mother! “Poppy Penfold, Development Researcher” – that’s what we’re excited about.’

  ‘So you don’t think TV is a big old load of bollocks any more?’ Nat asked.

  ‘Well, I think I’ve concluded that while a lot of it is a load of old bollocks, well, it’s all good fun really. People like watching crap, it makes them happy. I guess I’m excited about being a part of something that makes people happy.’

  ‘And perhaps trying to make it a bit less crap.’

  ‘Yes, and trying to make it a bit less crap.’

  ‘Good, well, I’m glad someone’s got my best interests as a viewer at heart. Now, tell me more about how you managed to get that horse to punch Kel O’Shaunessy right in the boob job?’

  ‘It was more the shoulder blade…’

  ‘No, no, I heard she got kicked right in the boob job, and the silicone exploded and went everywhere, and it was raining plastic, and everyone was like, “AHHH! THE HORROR!!”’

  ‘Nat, that didn’t happen.’

  ‘Don’t ruin it for me. That’s how it happened in my head.’

  Acknowledgements

  Firstly, I would like to thank Corvus and Lovereading.co.uk for launching the Love At First Write competition. As a new writer, I could not have asked for a better opportunity, and I only hope my book proves a worthy winner.

  Specifically, I would like to thank Louise Weir and the team at Lovereading; and at Corvus: Louise Cullen, Lucy Howkins, Maddie West, Alison Davies, Francesca Riccardi and Nicky Lovick. I am very grateful for all your help in taking this book through from first draft to something people can actually download and buy.

  I’d also like to express gratitude to Clare Wallace at Darley Anderson for seeing something in my writing, and being so enthusiastic about all the ideas I have for my next book!

  Finally, I would like to thank the television industry and all the brilliant people I have worked with over the last twelve years. You have inspired this book. TV is a ridiculous, wonderful, absurd, hilarious and insane world to work in (and one in which I hope I will still be employable once people have read this…). I would not have swapped it for the world.

  Incidentally, I would like to take this opportunity to officially copyright all the show ideas mentioned in this book. I am convinced BBC Daytime will be chomping at the bit to commission Can Your Dog Do Your Job? and Strictly Come Prancing is surely only one risk assessment away from our screens… TV commissioners, you have my number.

  Questions for Sophie Cousens about How to Get Ahead in Television

  Q. What prompted you to start writing?

  A. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t write and have always enjoyed making up stories. Like Poppy, I spent a lot of my childhood composing plays for my younger brother Edward, directing all our stuffed animals as actors in an ongoing soap opera of endless cliff-hangers. Then when I was ten, I wrote some rather strange short stories about Prime Minister John Major coming on holiday with my family. When I read these out to my parents they found them highly amusing, though I don’t think I intended them to be.

  This desire to create stories has stayed with me, and as an adult I am constantly inspired with ideas for books – it’s just the ‘turning them into novels’ part that’s difficult and time-consuming! Ever since landing my first job in TV, the idea for a novel set in that world has percolated away in my brain. It’s so rife with amusing characters and laughable daily dramas, so I suppose this book has been on the cards ever since I wrote that first email to that very first production company.

  Q. Who are the authors that inspire you?

  A. I love writers who make me laugh. Caitlin Moran is a huge inspiration and I love her book How to Be a Woman. It manages to be both emotionally moving and laugh-out-loud funny at the same time, which is a very tricky thing to do.

  I’m also a big fan of the slightly surreal writing of Jasper Fforde, who writes the Thursday Next series. He creates worlds so imaginative and bizarre (where Swindon is the capital of the UK, croquet is the national sport and illegal cheese is smuggled over the border from Wales) that reading his books can feel like going on holiday to an alternate universe.

  In the realm of women’s fiction, Sophie Kinsella and Helen Fielding are both idols of mine. They create such amusing, likeable heroines who you really root for as a reader. I would be very happy if Poppy were to come across as even half as likeable as Becky Bloomwood or Bridget Jones!
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  Q. How did you feel when you found out you had won the Love at First Write competition?

  A. I was thrilled to even get shortlisted for the competition, so when I found out I had won I was totally over-excited. I was in a TV production office when I got the phone call, and was jumping up and down at my desk. My colleagues thought I must have booked a huge A-list celebrity for the show we were making, but I had to admit that my excitement had nothing to do with the job in hand. Winning the competition gave me the impetus I needed to finish the book, and the editorial support from Corvus really helped me shape and improve my writing, so it’s been a fantastic experience.

  Q. Did you draw a lot of inspiration for the book from your own experiences in television? Are there any particular events in the book based on these experiences?

  A. There are an embarrassing amount of specific events in this book based on things that have happened to me. I was tasked with driving around a grand dame of British television and she did ask me to stop the car because she was not confident in my driving ability. Oops. I have also dealt with diva pizza-throwing celebrities, trying to avoid watching a presenter have his hair sprayed on, and accidentally traipsing through the back of a newsroom while the news was recording. Soup-gate was also not an entirely fictional event, but the less said about that the better…

  Though a few elements of the book are inspired by actual events, I think all of the shows Poppy works on are a realistic representation of working in TV, and the mini dramas that make up an average day at work. From drunk celebrities ruining an item, to comedians having a breakdown, I don’t think any of the events in How to Get Ahead in Television are beyond the realms of possibility on a production.

  Q. Do you see elements of yourself in Poppy as a new TV runner?

  A. The experience of moving to London after recently graduating and trying to make a go of it in TV was a particularly formative part of my twenties. I was so desperate to do a good job, so sickeningly keen to succeed, yet with very little idea of how to impress. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to that experience of living in big city on low pay, in a precarious job where you only have a contract for a few months. Yet despite the uncertainty, for some reason life is actually quite exciting because it’s all new, and all that matters is being able to go for a drink with your friends and flirt with the boy you fancy at the office.