The Forgotten Recipe

by Amy Clipston

  “There’s more that I haven’t told you.”

  Veronica braced herself as the warm smell of coffee overtook the room, the comforting aroma conflicting with the dread growing inside her.

  “I work at the Lancaster Shed Company.”

  Veronica blinked as his words came into focus. “I thought you worked in construction.”

  “I do work in construction. I build sheds.” He paused for a moment. “Actually, my dat and my onkel own the company.”

  “Wait a minute.” She held up her hand to stop him. “Your family owns the Lancaster Shed Company, and you work there. And you were at Seth’s visitation.” The connection became clear in her mind, and she gaped. “You knew Seth.”

  “Ya, that’s right.” Jason nodded, and his expression was pained. “I trained him when he first started, and we hit it off immediately. He was my best friend.”

  This can’t be true! It can’t be! Veronica couldn’t breathe. She gasped and placed her hand on her chest, trying to calm herself. Then she remembered Seth had mentioned a friend at work named Jason. Seth said Jason had trained him when he started at the Lancaster Shed Company, and Jason was also a good friend to him. She shook her head as the details clicked in her mind. If Seth had ever mentioned Jason’s last name, it didn’t sink in, though it had seemed a little familiar when Jason told her his name. But why hadn’t she made the connection before today?

  “He talked about you all the time, so I felt as if I knew you.” Jason spoke quickly, as if he wanted to get the words out before she kicked him out of her parents’ house. “When I saw you at the visitation, I couldn’t get you off my mind. I wanted to meet you. I wanted to visit and offer my condolences, but when I met you that day at the bake stand, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you I knew Seth. I wanted to apologize to you and tell you how sorry I was that he died. I was there the day of the accident. But I didn’t want to upset you.”

  “You were there?” Her voice pitched higher on the last word as her world spun. “You were there when Seth died?” Tears stung her eyes.

  “Ya, and I’m so sorry.” Jason came around the table and sat beside her, angling his body toward her. “We were working on a shed together. He was up in the rafters, and I walked away to get us some water. In that short span of time, he fell, and there was nothing I could do.”

  The floor seemed to drop out from under Veronica. She gasped again as the image crept into her mind. Tears rushed down her hot cheeks, and she choked back a sob. Why was he doing this to her? Why was he making her relive Seth’s death?

  “We tried to resuscitate him while we waited for the ambulance, but it was too late,” he continued, reaching for her hand. “I’m so sorry, Veronica. It was my fault. If I hadn’t walked away, I could have prevented his fall or possibly even saved him.”

  Veronica pulled her hand away and brushed away her tears. She couldn’t keep herself from crying. This was too much. Her heart couldn’t take it.

  “When I met you, everything changed. My feelings for you were strong from the beginning, and I meant it when I told you I love you. I want to be with you. I just had to tell you the truth. I should’ve told you from the beginning, but I—”

  “Stop!” Veronica said it more forcefully than she’d meant to. She stood up and backed away from him, stumbling over the chair as she moved to the opposite side of the kitchen. She had to get away.

  “Veronica, please.” Jason walked toward her. “Please let me explain. I never meant to keep this from you. I wanted to tell you from the beginning, but I was terrified of losing you.”

  “Don’t come any closer.” She held a trembling hand out toward him. “You lied to me, Jason. You made it seem like you had no idea I’d lost Seth, but you knew all along.”

  “I’m sorry.” Jason’s eyes pleaded with her. “I never meant to deceive you. My feelings for you are pure.”

  Veronica eyed him while contemplating all he’d said. Suddenly everything clicked into place, and betrayal slammed through her. “That’s how you knew I liked pretzels, books, and vanilla candles.”

  Jason nodded. “Ya. That’s true. Seth talked about you all the time. He told me about how you used to go over to his haus and play games with him and his schweschder. He told me about how you’d take long walks and sometimes watch thunderstorms on the porch. He shared how nervous he was when he proposed to you. He was so excited about your wedding. He couldn’t wait to start building a haus for you.”

  “Stop talking!” Every detail Jason shared rocked her to her very core. She was losing Seth all over again. “You had no right to use that information against me. That was personal and private. Those were memories special to me.” Her tight voice broke. She crossed her arms over her trembling body in a failed attempt to steady herself.

  “I’m so sorry. When he died, I felt so lost without him, but I felt like I already knew you. I thought I could talk to you and we could grieve together. I never meant to keep that from you.” Jason reached for her, and she took another step back, hitting her spine hard against the wall with a thud. “I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to get to know you. I wanted to be with you. Ich liebe dich, Veronica.”

  “How could you lie to me? How could you act as if you’d never seen me?” The reality of his lies weighed heavily on her, crushing her soul. She cupped her hand to her mouth. “You used me.” She shook her head with emphasis as the situation suddenly came into focus in her blurry mind. “No, you manipulated me. You preyed on my grief and wormed your way into my life and into my family.”

  “No, no, no.” Jason emphasized the words. “I fell in love with you when I saw you, Veronica. I never used you or your grief. I meant it when I wrote you that letter and said I wanted to be your freind. I’m willing to wait for you for as long as you need me to.”

  “Get out,” she said, tears flowing from her eyes. Rage mixed with grief bubbled up inside of her. It really was as if she were losing Seth all over again. She couldn’t take the pain. It stole her breath and crushed her spirit.

  “Veronica, please,” Jason said, folding his hands as if praying. “Please listen to me. I love you, and I never meant to deceive you.”

  She pointed toward the door. “Get out!”

  The back door banged shut, and Emily appeared in the doorway holding a wet apron. “What’s wrong?” Her blue eyes were wild with alarm.

  “Get out, Jason,” Veronica seethed through gritted teeth. “Don’t make me go and get my daed.”

  Emily’s eyes widened as she looked at Jason and then back at Veronica. “What’s going on?”

  Footsteps sounded from the family room, and Mamm suddenly stood in the doorway. “What’s happening? Veronica?”

  Veronica rubbed her hands over her cheeks. “I need to get out of here.” She turned and rushed up the spiral staircase to her room. She slammed the door closed behind her and collapsed onto her bed, her sobs choking her as her face hit the pillow.

  CHAPTER 18

  AS VERONICA RUSHED OUT OF THE KITCHEN, JASON teetered on his legs, and he grabbed the kitchen table for support. His heart splintered into a million pieces when he heard a door on the second floor slam, echoing through the quiet house. The smell of coffee penetrated his senses as the percolator hissed and gurgled, taunting him from the far side of the kitchen. This was not how he’d hoped this discussion would go. He imagined she might understand and forgive him. He’d tried to tell her how much he loved her, but it wasn’t enough. He’d pushed her away. He’d managed to do the one thing he feared the most—lose her.

  “I’ll go after her,” Emily offered before disappearing.

  “Jason,” Mattie said, her eyes scrutinizing him. “What happened?”

  “I finally told her the truth.” Jason’s voice was muted and quaky. He sank into the closest chair.

  Mattie sat beside him. “What do you mean?” she asked, her blue eyes drilling into him and demanding an explanation. “What did you tell her? I haven’t seen her this upset since she lost Set
h.”

  Jason closed his eyes, and his chest ached. He’d been afraid to hurt Veronica, but now he’d caused her more pain than he’d ever intended to. Why had he been such a coward?

  He covered his face with his hands, then told her the same things he’d told Veronica.

  Mattie’s eyes widened as she listened.

  “When I first met Veronica, I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling her I knew Seth,” Jason explained. “I was afraid of scaring her away. My bruder and my dat warned me I should tell her the truth, but it never felt like the right time. The deeper my feelings for her became, the harder it was to tell her.”

  When Mattie didn’t speak, he rambled on, pouring out his feelings, her eyes boring into his with such intensity that he felt as if she could see into his soul.

  His hands quaked, and his vision blurred. “Last night I told her I loved her, and I meant it. I couldn’t sleep because I knew what I had to do.” He shook his head, hoping he wouldn’t break down in front of her. “Now I’ve done exactly what I feared I would. I’ve told her the truth, and I’ve lost her.”

  Jason recalled the pain, shock, and betrayal in Veronica’s eyes when he’d admitted he knew Seth. A single tear escaped his eye. How could he hurt her this way when he loved her so deeply?

  Mattie sighed. “I don’t know what to tell you, Jason. This is a shock.”

  “I know.” He cleared his throat, trying to sound more in control of his emotions than he was.

  Mattie pressed her lips together, and he could feel her disappointment. His shoulders sagged with the weight of his guilt.

  “She trusted you,” Mattie said, her voice calm despite the hurt in her eyes. “You have to understand that was difficult for her to do after losing Seth.”

  “I know, and I’ve broken that trust.” Jason studied the blue tablecloth while contemplating all that he’d lost. “How can I make this up to her?”

  “I don’t know.” Mattie pinched the bridge of her nose. “I really don’t know if you will ever regain her trust. She was so froh, and now this.” She paused, mulling it over in her mind. “You’ll have to give her time to heal. This is like losing Seth all over again. She thought she’d never love again after she lost him, but then she met you. She made a place for you in her life. Now she feels betrayed, and that broke her heart a second time.”

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “I would do anything to win that trust back.”

  Mattie gave him a sad smile. “You’ll have to give her time to try to find that trust again.”

  Jason imagined Veronica sobbing to her sister, and he blew out a shuddering breath while closing his eyes. He couldn’t bear the thought of her crying like she did at the viewing.

  “Should I try to talk to her?” he offered.

  “No.” Mattie’s answer was polite but forceful. “You should go. You need to give her time to calm down and work through this. She’s been through too much already.”

  “Right.” He stood. “Please tell her how sorry I am and that I love her.”

  “I will,” Mattie promised.

  “Danki.” Jason stood slowly and retrieved his hat from the peg by the back door. He peered back into the kitchen and found Mattie watching him. “I’m sorry for putting you through this too.”

  She nodded and then disappeared from his sight. He imagined her hurrying up the stairs to console her daughter, the daughter who had already been through one tragic heartache. How could he be so careless and thoughtless?

  Jason walked down the long rock driveway and found the Tahoe waiting by the road. He’d asked Joe to come back for him in an hour. He told him he’d call if he didn’t need him to come, but perhaps Jason knew all along that this wasn’t going to go well. Then why had he let this facade go on for so long? Why didn’t he tell her the truth from the beginning? He knew the answer—because he was a coward. He didn’t deserve someone as beautiful and wonderful as Veronica. He deserved to be alone.

  The thought settled into Jason’s chest as he climbed into the truck. He was grateful that Joe didn’t ask him what was wrong during the ride home. Instead, Joe hummed along to the rock music spilling from the speakers and tapped the steering wheel with his fingers.

  Jason tried to sort through his feelings during the drive. He had to prove to Veronica that he loved her and had never meant to hurt her. But how could he repair this damage? It seemed an impossible task, but he had faith that somehow he could make things right.

  VERONICA HUGGED SETH’S QUILT TO HER BODY AND BURIED her face in her pillow as her tears flowed. Betrayal and anguish rioted within her. How could she have been so blind? Why did she allow herself to fall in love so quickly after losing Seth? She’d gotten exactly what she’d deserved after dishonoring Seth’s memory so soon after losing him. She should have followed her first instinct when she’d met Jason and stayed away from him.

  If only Seth had lived after that terrible accident. They had argued in the past, but he’d never lied to her. He’d never made her feel like a naive little girl. Seth had been her perfect match. She would never trust anyone the same way she trusted him.

  Why did you have to leave me, Seth? I need you here with me now!

  “Veronica?” Emily’s sweet voice sounded from the doorway. “Veronica, may I come in?”

  Veronica rolled to her side and shook her head. “Please go away, Emily. I know you mean well, but I really need to be alone right now.”

  “No, you don’t, and I won’t let you be alone.” Emily crossed the room and sat down on the opposite side of the bed from Veronica. Then she climbed to the middle and rubbed Veronica’s back. “I’m not leaving.” Emily’s voice was warm and comforting. “It’s not healthy for you to keep all your feelings inside. You need to talk about it. I’m not leaving until you talk to me. What happened?”

  Once Veronica shared what Jason had told her, she was grateful Emily forced her to talk about what had happened. She felt her shoulders ease. Her sister knew when she needed someone to listen.

  Emily gasped more than once as Veronica tearfully told her Jason had not only known Seth and never told her, but had been there when Seth fell.

  “Ach, Veronica. I’m so sorry he didn’t tell you the truth from the beginning.” Emily touched Veronica’s arm.

  Veronica sniffed and brushed the back of her hand across her wet cheeks. “I was naive to trust Jason so quickly, and I got what I deserved.”

  “No, you didn’t,” Emily said emphatically. “You didn’t deserve this, and you did nothing wrong.”

  “Ya, I did.” Veronica sat up, still holding the quilt against her body. “I let Jason into my life too soon.”

  Emily touched Veronica’s hand. “You weren’t wrong for trusting him. He was wrong for not telling you the truth the first time he met you. He should’ve told you that very first day he came to the bake stand that he knew Seth.”

  Veronica nodded and sniffed again. “I feel so stupid.”

  “Don’t feel stupid. We all believe the best in people, and sometimes they let us down even when they have the best intentions in mind.”

  Mamm appeared in the doorway. “Ach, Veronica.”

  At the sight of her mother, Veronica’s tears began to flow anew. There was something about seeing Mamm that made her fall apart all over again. She needed her mother to make it all okay again. Mamm pulled up a chair beside her and held her as if she were a young child.

  “Why did I trust him? Why did I allow him to trick me into loving him?” Veronica asked between choked sobs. “I promised myself I was going to allow myself time to grieve. I was going to hold on to Seth’s memory and guard it with all my might. I broke that promise too quickly. I let Jason in, and he shattered me all over again.” She sobbed again, her body quaking.

  “Shh, mei liewe,” Mamm cooed in her ear. “Stop punishing yourself. You’re only human.”

  Veronica wiped her eyes and willed herself to stop crying. “It hurts, Mamm. I feel like I’m los
ing Seth all over again.”

  “I know, I know,” Mamm murmured. “It will get better. I promise you.”

  Veronica’s vision clouded again. “It all makes sense now. How Jason knew my name before I asked him what his name was. How Seth talked about me all the time, so Jason knew all about me. He knew I loved picnics. He knew I’d love the gifts he gave me.” Her voice caught. “Why didn’t I see through all of that? Why was I so blind to all of it?”

  Mamm touched her cheek. “Stop blaming yourself.”

  “I was so naive,” Veronica repeated. “I thought he meant it when he told me he loved me last night. He seemed so honest, and his eyes were so intense. I thought he was like Seth. In my mind, I believed Jason was just as warm and thoughtful as Seth was. I thought Jason was genuine.”

  “I think he is.” Emily’s words were soft but firm.

  Veronica turned toward her sister. “What did you say?” She was sure she hadn’t heard Emily correctly. Her own sister couldn’t possibly be taking Jason’s side. Was she teasing Veronica, or maybe trying to make light of this grave situation?

  “I think he was being honest with you.” Emily’s mouth was set in a serious frown, and there was no sign of frivolity in her manner. “He looked as if he was just as upset as you were.”

  “He lied to me,” Veronica said, hugging Seth’s quilt closer to her chest as if it could somehow shield her raw emotions.

  “No, he didn’t lie to you,” Emily corrected. “He omitted the truth.”

  “Em, that’s the same thing.” Veronica shook her head. “He knew finding out the truth would upset me, so he didn’t tell me. That’s the same thing as lying, and it’s wrong. It’s a sin to lie.” Why was Emily always such an optimist?

  “I think he meant it when he told you he loves you.” Emily shrugged. “I think you should forgive him and give him another chance.”

  Veronica glowered. “Why should I believe him now if he couldn’t tell me the truth when we first met?”

  “He made a mistake,” Emily said. “I know you’re hurt now. I’m sorry he hurt you, but I think he meant it when he said he was afraid of losing you. I’m not saying what he did was right, but I believe he was sincere when he said he cared about you and didn’t want to hurt you.”