Arousal

by Simone Sowood

  “Stop it.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Fine. Because I wanted to be married by now. I’m thirty, I should be married.”

  The words hit me like a kick in the gut. If I’d taken her to London, we would be married. And happy with some kids and the Golden Retriever she’d always wanted. Instead, I abandoned her and felt like a first rate asshole for it.

  There were a thousand things I wanted to say to her, but how did I choose the right thing, when I didn’t know what that right thing was?

  “Baby, it’s not something you need to worry about.” I rubbed her back, doing my best to console her.

  She started sobbing again. “Of course it’s something I have to worry about. Otherwise I’ll never find a husband.”

  “Of course you will. You’re everything a man could want in a wife.”

  “Who would marry me?”

  “I would.” If I wasn’t already married. Jenny stopped crying and stared at my face, her eyes tracing me for meaning.

  “You would?” she asked.

  “Of course I would. I can’t imagine a better person to marry than you.” Her brow creased as her eyes continued their path over my face.

  “Does this mean we’re in a relationship?” Her amber eyes bore into me with expectation.

  “I think we should see where this goes. Because right now, you’re all I think about.”

  Fresh tears sprung from her eyes but she wasn’t sobbing any longer.

  “Are you going to move away and leave me again?”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  “But how do I know that? Why should I trust you?” she said, her voice pleading.

  “Babe, there’s not a single day in the past seven years that I didn’t miss you.”

  “Then why didn’t you come back for me?”

  “Because I’m an idiot.” I shook my head. A fresh wave of anger at myself washed over me. I hated myself for what I did to her.

  “I waited so long to hear from you. I sent so many emails, and nothing. I only knew where you were from the internet.” Her voice trailed off.

  Tears trickled down her cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumb and cupped her cheek.

  “Babe, I hate myself for what I did to you. Believe me.” That was the real reason I started drinking so much, to forget her, but I wasn’t about to admit that to her.

  “I’m glad you finally came back.” Her big smile eased my guilt a little.

  “So am I.” For once, the numbness inside me didn’t seem so bad. I pulled her close to me and kissed her hair, inhaling the coconut scent I loved so much.

  “They’re having a wedding dinner this weekend, can you come with me? As my date.”

  “Absolutely. Is Abbie going to shit all over me?”

  “I’ll tell her to be nice.”

  Jenny

  My jaw dropped as we pulled up in front of Jay’s mansion. It resembled a hotel more than a house.

  We’d come with Marla and her date Trent, all in the back of Collin’s Maybach. Jay’s butler held open the door for us and the four of us climbed out of the back of the car and up the steps to the double front doors.

  “Hi!” Marla and I said in unison.

  “You found us,” Abbie said, her eyes beaming.

  “How could we not? It’s too big to miss.” Redness spread across my cheeks when I realized I’d said that in front of Jay.

  Jay kissed both my cheeks, I moved my head back and forth, not really confident in what I was supposed to be doing in this type of greeting.

  “Collin,” Abbie said, “How are you? It’s been so long, I can’t believe you’re back in town.” She gave him a big hug.

  The nerves in my chest settled. I’d been worried about how Abbie would react to him, since she’d seen all the hurt he’d caused me. It was a huge relief to see her being nice to him.

  “Come, I’ll give you girls a tour.”

  “See you in an hour,” Sam said to her date, Richard.

  As soon as we’d made it through the cavernous entrance hall and past the sweeping staircase, I grabbed Sam’s hand. “Spill, who’s Richard?”

  “Richard’s her boss,” Abbie said.

  “Another one fucking her boss, huh?” I caught Marla’s eye as I said it.

  “No fucking guaranteed. You three all have someone, I wasn’t about to come alone, and he was the only guy available on such short notice, okay?”

  I studied her face but saw nothing but honesty in it. There wasn’t even a hint of a lie in her eyes.

  We barely noticed the opulent rooms we walked though.

  “Your turn Jenny, what’s going on with Collin?” Abbie asked.

  “Well,” I hesitated, “we’re officially back together.” Abbie’s eyes flashed. For a moment she grimaced, but quickly recovered the smile on her face. I knew she wouldn’t approve. “Don’t worry, we’re taking it slow.”

  “He’d better not hurt you again,” Abbie said.

  “Agreed. I’m not convinced this is a good idea,” Marla said.

  Sam put her arm around me and squeezed. “Don’t worry, I support you. Ignore these two.”

  “Thanks, at least it’s not unanimous.”

  “I’m not against it, I just don’t want you to get hurt again,” Abbie said.

  “Did I mention he’s paying for my mother to be treated by the best stomach cancer doctor in the world?”

  “Holy shit, this is your living room?” Sam said, rushing around the vast room we’d entered. Three separate seating areas, each centered around a different focal point with at least one sofa and several arm chairs, made up the massive space.

  “No I didn’t know. Why haven’t you been telling me anything?” Abbie said, ignoring her.

  “Because. With everything going on between you and Jay, I didn’t want to add any more problems.”

  Abbie turned to me and flung her arms around me.

  “Sweetie, don’t be so silly. You should’ve told me.”

  “So when’s the wedding?” Sam asked.

  There’s that word. Wedding. The thing I wanted more than anything else in the world. The way he talked about me on Monday, I half expected a proposal right there, but none came. At least I knew we were in a relationship now.

  I followed the others into a full on home cinema, complete with popcorn stand, but didn’t hear Abbie’s voice. My mind was too busy churning, imaging Collin and I in each of the rooms instead, living a blissful married life.

  Collin seemed to say he wanted to take things slow, but how slow? If I could get over the pain and hurt he caused me, what were we waiting for? Unless he wasn’t convinced he’d stay in Chicago. Even if he promised he wasn’t going to leave again, how much could I be sure he wouldn’t up and go? He was used to moving around so much, was he even able to settle in one spot or would he get bored?

  I zoned out through most of dinner. Instead of listening to the conversation, I stared at Collin and imagined what life would be like to be married to him. Would we live in a house as big as Abbie’s? Would we have staff cooking and serving us meals? Would we have a swimming pool to skinny dip in?

  After the dinner, Collin came back to mine. I curled into him on the sofa, another glass of wine in my hand.

  “I think I’ll stay here tonight, I’m sick and tired of hotels,” Collin said, kissing my forehead.

  He stayed that night, and the next and the next.

  On Monday evening we were in the bedroom, making space in my overflowing closet for Collin to hang his suits, when my intercom buzzed.

  “I can’t go home to Jay, he lied to me,” Abbie said into the intercom, her voice broken and drained.

  Collin and I exchanged disappointed looks. But my first priority was helping Abbie. I only hoped this was a one night thing, and not something more serious.

  “I’m sorry, I have to help her.”

  “I know babe, I’ll clear out. Text me when she goes and I’ll be right back here to fuck you stupid.” Collin put
his arm around my waist and squeezed me close.

  Abbie knocked on the door before Collin had the chance to leave. He went into the bedroom to hide while I answered the door. The second I opened the door, Abbie burst through the doorway and straight into my arms.

  “He lied to me again!”

  “Oh honey, come sit down, I’ll make you a cup of tea.”

  I steered her into the living area and sat her on the armchair that faces away from the door.

  “Thank you,” she said as I put the box of Kleenex in her reach.

  Regret weighed heavy in my stomach as I ran into the bedroom to give Collin a quick hug goodbye. I shielded him on the way to the door in case Abbie turned around. I didn’t want her thinking she was imposing on us.

  As Collin walked through the door, he grabbed me and pulled me into the hallway. He spun me up against the wall and planted his hands on my hips.

  “I’ll miss you,” I whispered so Abbie wouldn’t hear.

  Collin locked his lips on mine and kissed me hard, turning my legs to mush and leaving me wondering how I would be able to stay standing once he let go of me.

  He broke the kiss and stroked my cheek, a half-smile on his face.

  “Later babe,” he said and walked away.

  It took me several deep breaths before I was able to walk back into my apartment and make two cups of Camomile tea.

  By Thursday, Abbie was still sleeping on my sofa. I didn’t hear from her Thursday night, and though it worried me a little, I chose to believe she’d gone back to Jay.

  On Friday she came bursting back into my apartment, a wreck of tears. I sat her back down on the sofa and made her a cup of Camomile tea.

  “What am I going to do? I can’t live on your couch.“ I passed her another Kleenex.

  “Of course you can. I will help you anyway I can. You know I’d do anything for you.”

  “I don’t know how long until I can get back into my condo. I have to get the tenants out first, I don’t know how long that will be.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Stop worrying about that.”

  Maybe she could live here, and I could stay with Collin at the Four Seasons. It’s a bigger space there anyway, I was surprised he could handle my little one bedroom apartment.

  But that was a medium term solution. She was too much of an emotional mess for me to leave right now. Assuming she didn’t go back to Jay.

  I couldn’t concentrate on my work. Instead, I sat at work staring at my computer screen but not seeing it.

  Abbie cried on my shoulder every night for going on three weeks. I’d barely seen Collin. We met up a couple of times for lunch, but it’s just not the same. You cannot be ravaged in a diner.

  Was it time to suggest she live in my apartment while she got the tenants out of her condo, and that I go stay with Collin?

  I missed seeing him so much I could barely hold myself together. The pain of not seeing him was too reminiscent of the pain from when he stopped emailing me.

  I had my phone in my hand, about to text Collin when one came through from Abbie.

  With Jay, everything good. Thanks for your love!!!!

  My heart leapt with joy, as much for her as for me. Even more for me, if I’m honest but the realization flooded me with guilt.

  Guess what? Abbie back with Jay, my sofa has been vacated!

  The excitement of seeing him again had my heart leaping.

  Thank fuck

  His text made me laugh.

  Are you coming over?

  I half expected him to be waiting for me when I got home.

  My mother’s face popped up on my phone as it rang. I spoke to my mother every day, but not until nearly bedtime and it was only four in the afternoon. And without exception I always phoned her. It set my nerves on edge.

  “Hi mom.” I tried to sound cheery and not worried.

  “Hi sweetie.”

  “Everything okay?”

  “Everything’s great. We got the test results back early and guess what?” The happiness in her voice spilled over into my body.

  “What?”

  “The tumor shrunk, and he thinks they’re going to be able to keep shrinking it with the drug cocktail.”

  “Oh my God mom, that is amazing.” Tears pricked the corners of my eyes as relief flooded through me.

  “I know, I had to tell you straight away.” The happiness in her voice overwhelmed me.

  “I’m so relieved mom, I love you.”

  “I love you too sweetie, but honestly, you have to thank Collin for me. I owe him my life. It’s the greatest gift imaginable.”

  “You’ll be happy to hear we are back in a relationship. He’s been living here with me.”

  “Just when I thought today couldn’t get any better. I’m so happy for you sweetie, it’s the best news.”

  We talked for twenty more minutes, until my co-workers Dan and Belinda started giving me looks and I ended our conversation.

  “Sorry guys, that was my mom, her cancer’s been contained. The doctor thinks the treatment has bought her a lot more time.”

  “That’s amazing news, I’m so glad to hear it,” Belinda said.

  “Really happy for you, Jenny,” Dan said.

  “Thanks guys.”

  I turned back to my computer but still didn’t look at the screen. Instead I couldn’t stop wondering why Collin still hadn’t texted me back.

  Guess what? My mom’s treatment was successful!!!!!

  I kept my phone in my hand, expecting him to text back straight away. Maybe I should’ve phoned him and told him over the phone.

  Amazing Babe, best news ever

  Are you coming to mine tonight?

  I stared at my screen for an uncomfortable amount of time, waiting for a response.

  My heart sank as it became obvious one wasn’t coming.

  Collin???

  I couldn’t drop this. Not now. It reminded me too much of the way he’d blanked me all those years ago.

  I’ll speak to you soon.

  How should I interpret that?

  Collin

  I reread the email from Daniel for the umpteenth time. He’d first told me the news over the phone, but I had him put it in writing, It was almost as if it wasn’t real unless I saw it in print.

  Late yesterday afternoon the nanny went looking for Raylene when she hadn’t appeared downstairs, and found her unresponsive in bed. She phoned for an ambulance, but Raylene was already dead, an autopsy will be done but the assumption is she choked on her own vomit. I will make all the arrangements regarding Raylene. You need to get yourself to Honolulu as soon as possible to sort out Harlan.

  What could I do? Jenny kept texting me with wonderful news about her mother and Abbie, and I didn’t know how to tell her about my own news.

  Not that I thought it was wonderful. I didn’t want my son not to have a mother. I mean, I didn’t want him to have any contact with her because she was so spectacularly disinterested in his well being, but I wanted him to have the ability to have her if he later decided that’s what he wanted.

  For all the time Abbie had been sleeping on Jenny’s couch, stopping me from seeing her, I’d been desperate to see her. And now she’s texting me wanting me to come see her and I don’t know how in fuck I can.

  How could I begin to explain my situation to her? I knew better than to pull her into my fucked up life, and I’ve gone and done it anyway.

  But right now, after nearly three weeks, my desire to get Jenny in my arms was greater than any urge I’ve ever known.

  Babe, I’m picking you up and taking you on that vacation you promised me

  Something told me I was going to regret this, but it was the only thing I could think of to do.

  When?

  An hour, tell them you won’t be in next week

  If she didn’t go for this, I was going to have to take her anyway. I could send her home Sunday if she wanted to get to work that bad.

  Let me try

  A huge ru
sh of relief washed over me as I read her text. I needed her to get through this.

  I didn’t feel anything, I’m sure that’s wrong. I was married to her. It seems so cold. But she was practically a stranger to me. One I happened to share a child with. One who happened to be trying to extort money from me.

  We’d slept in the same bed for three nights. After that, I cleared out to the other side of the house.

  Each day her belly grew larger, I drank less. Raylene, on the other hand, drank more.

  When the baby was born, she took no interest in him. Thank god for the nanny, she gave Harlan the maternal love his mother denied him.

  I spent every second I could with Harlan. My chest burst with a type of love I didn’t know existed.

  But as long as I was in the house, Raylene got worse. The violence she unleashed on me spilled over to the nanny. We decided that she was too big of a risk, and that her violent behavior could easily spill over onto Harlan.

  It wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. Chicago seemed like the only option to me. I’d open a new club and make it my flagship location. I’d settle in the city for good, and give Harlan a stable home to grow up in. Ideally in Jenny’s arms.

  Daniel assured me it would only take a few short weeks to finalize everything. And here we are how many months later? Raylene put up a fight to the end. A fight for the most money her son and photos would fetch.

  Good news, next week booked off, leaving the office now!!!!!!!

  Excellent, can’t wait

  Now I just had to figure out how to tell her.

  Jenny

  “Baby, you remember my right-hand man, Blake?”

  “Hi,” I said to the towering man.

  Blake took up the whole sofa Collin and I shared on the way to Houston. Collin and I sat facing each other in insanely comfortable leather reclining seats.

  “He’s coming with me for work.”

  My face fell. “Are you going to Hawaii for work?”

  “No, no. I have a few personal things to sort out. Blake is taking care of the work”

  “As long as I can relax on the beach,” I said with a creased brow.