Arousal

by Simone Sowood

  The waitstaff hustled around the breakfast room, gathering up the remains of the buffet that closed at ten when I walked in at one minute past. I rushed to the coffee urn and poured myself two cups. On the way to a table I even managed to grab a danish off a tray being taken away.

  Energized by the caffeine, I headed out on Waikiki beach. The azure water and sweeping white sand was as close to paradise as I’d ever been. But my insides felt the complete opposite as they festered in a wretched sense of hell.

  I waded through the noisy crowd of sunbathers, trying my best to ignore all the happy couples and families that made up the hoards.

  A little girl, perhaps aged three or four, in a Little Mermaid swimsuit ran in front of me chasing a beach ball, and I had to dodge her, touching her flowing hair in the process. The contact with her sent a twinge of pain rushing from my hand to my heart.

  My heart speeding and my head numb, I remembered the excited look on Collin’s face when he showed me the photos of Harlan. Whatever else was going on in his life, it was clear he’s an adoring father that only wants the best for his son.

  He changed his entire lifestyle for his son. He would do anything for his baby, what more could you ask for in a good father?

  A tear escaped my eye and I wiped it away. The one thing I wanted most was in my grasp, and I shoved it away.

  I gained no happiness from being here. Not one ounce of joy. I had to get home, to my bed and hide under my comforter.

  Back in my room, my heart sank as I scrolled through flights to Chicago on my phone. It’s crazy expensive flying at such short notice. The cost of same day flights was outrageous. I settled on a slightly less overpriced one for tomorrow evening. It’d be a big dent to my savings but worth it to try and dull some of the pain and self loathing.

  My phone rang.

  “Hi mom.”

  “Hi sweetie, I’m just phoning to see if everything is okay, you didn’t call yesterday.” Damn, I phone her every day. I can’t believe I forgot yesterday. Stupid mini bar.

  “Sorry mom, I was in the air. Collin’s taken me to Hawaii.”

  “How romantic, I’m so excited for you two.”

  This is not the conversation I want to be having with her right now. I don’t want her to know how badly I’ve fucked up. And I definitely don’t want her to know how terribly I’ve treated Collin. She’d be so ashamed of me. Especially after how quickly he jumped in to help my mom in our time of need.

  “So, how are you feeling?”

  “Wonderful, I’m feeling so amazing. And your father is looking so trim after all of Colleen’s healthy cooking.”

  “That’s great, I can’t wait to see you guys again.”

  “What are your plans today? Relaxing on the beach together?”

  “We had a fight,” I said, my voice quiet.

  “Oh no, I don’t like the sound of your voice. What happened?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “No? Sometimes it helps.” I didn’t have much choice in lying, she’d be able to tell I wasn’t telling the truth.

  “I treated him badly, and I’m so ashamed of myself. But there’s nothing I can do now, what’s done is done.”

  “So go talk to him, apologize, he’ll forgive you.”

  “No, he won’t. My behavior was unforgivable.” I choked back tears.

  “Few things in love are unforgivable, sweetie.” She wouldn’t say that if she knew what I’d done. I’d never forgive myself.

  We continued our conversation, but I had to get her to keep repeating what she’d said. I could not take my mind off what an awful person I am. Or how stupid I am. I had the man I’d always wanted back in my life, the man I knew no other could live up to.

  I’d sealed my fate. The rest of my life would be empty and meaningless and I’d never be fulfilled. I would end up marrying a snake man from the internet.

  Collin

  “Dada, dada!” Harlan squealed.

  I woke with a crick in my neck and a cramp in my leg. Somehow I’d managed to curl my body enough to sleep on the small sofa in Harlan’s room. I didn’t want to be any further away from him that I had to be.

  Would today be the day I lose him? I couldn’t bear to think about it.

  “Morning big man.” I walked to the crib and scooped Harlan into my arms.

  His dark curls framed his face, his big brown eyes bright with the excitement of a new day. I ran my finger along his cheeks.

  “Beep.” Harlan giggled when I pushed in his nose. A laugh I could listen to all day.

  After a light knock, Liv came in.

  “I’ll take him and get him ready.” She put her arms out and he twisted his little body, reaching out to her.

  My first instinct was to keep him and get him ready myself, but felt ashamed when I realized I didn’t know what getting him ready entailed.

  “Thanks Liv. I’m going to shower.”

  As the water pounded off me, I stretched out my neck and leg, trying to recover from my cramped sleep.

  Today we would find out the real father. Another thing I tried not to think about. Effectively selling her child for a big payout is exactly the sort of thing I would expect Raylene to do. As much as I wanted to believe Blake was full of shit, I know her too well, this was something she would do.

  But my right hand man doing this to me? Betraying me? Using me for money? It was yet another twisting knife in my back.

  I squirted the shampoo that happened to be in the shower in my hand, and a blast of coconut hit my nose. Jenny. As I lathered up my hair, my body hollowed out to absorb the pain.

  How would I get her back? Was there anything I could do to get her to forgive me? There must be some way. A thousand options rolled through my mind as I finished my shower.

  I threw on a pair of navy shorts and a blue, loose fitting t-shirt. In the kitchen, I made a large pot of coffee and bit into a banana.

  Liv appeared with Harlan just as the doorbell rang. I took Harlan from her and she went to answer the door.

  “Want some banana, big guy?”

  Harlan grabbed at my banana as I held it to his mouth. His eyes widened and a big grin spread across his face, melting my heart. He took a bite, squishing the fruit in his mouth. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped away the mushy bits that escaped his lips.

  “What will I do if they take me from you?” I asked him. He smiled up at me with an open mouthed squeal, revealing the mushed banana still in his mouth.

  “This man has come for a test sample,” Liv said entering the room. It sounded more like a question than a statement. A man in a cheap suit carrying a leather satchel followed her in.

  “Yes, hi.” I extended my hand to him.

  “Mr O’keefe, nice to meet you, I’m Barry.” He transferred his satchel to his left hand and we shook.

  “Here, I’ll take Harlan and get out of your way,” Liv said, putting her hands in Harlan’s armpits. I held tight to Harlan.

  “We need him, I’ll keep him.” Her brow creased and her mouth fell to the point where I thought it would actually open.

  “Oh, okay. I’ll get out of your way then.”

  “This won’t take a minute,” Barry said to Liv. She stayed frozen on her spot.

  Harlan took another bite of banana as Barry opened his satchel and pulled out two long tubes. He unscrewed the lid of one and pulled it off, revealing a cotton swab attached to the lid.

  “Open,” he said to me. I opened my mouth and he ran the swab around my cheek for far too long. “That’s it, you’re done.” He screwed the lid back on the long tube.

  “That’s it?”

  “Yep. Now for the baby.” Barry looked at Harlan and his lip snarled in disgust. “I’ll need a clean mouth, can you get rid of the banana in it?”

  Liv jumped into action, striding to the sink and wetting a cloth. She stuck her index finger into the cloth and stuck her tongue out at Harlan. His squeal of delight pierced the air, a sound that eased some of the pain in
side me.

  His laughter soon turned to tears as Liv put her finger in his mouth and washed away the banana. I bounced him in my arms but his crying continued.

  “Don’t worry big guy, it’s okay, it’s all okay,” I said into his ear.

  Barry placed the swab in Harlan’s mouth and rubbed it over the inside of his cheek. Though it didn’t seem possible, the volume of Harlan’s crying increased and his face turned red.

  “How long does this take?” I asked.

  “I have to make sure I have a good sample, especially since he just had food in his mouth.”

  “Make it quick.” I had to raise my voice to be heard over Harlan’s screaming.

  “Yes, sir. I’ll be fast as I can.”

  Barry finally took the swab away, and I grabbed the cloth from Liv and wiped the tears and snot from Harlan’s face. The tears and screaming continued, and I swung Harlan in the air, dangling and bouncing him over my head.

  He’s tears turned to laughter and I shook my head, I wish I could turn Jenny’s tears to laughter as easily.

  “You wanna go for a swim, big guy?”

  “Here, I’ll take him and get his swimsuit on,” Liv said, extending her arms to him. This time I let her take him.

  As soon as she’d left the room, I asked Barry, “How long until you’ll have the results?” I leaned against the quartz countertop of the island.

  “Tomorrow afternoon, most likely.”

  “I don’t want to wait that long, I want them today.”

  “I’ll have to speak to my boss.”

  “Tell your boss I have to have the results today. I won’t take no for an answer. My lawyer Daniel will sort out all the costs.” I stood straight and took a step toward him as I said it.

  “Yes, sir, I’ll let him know.”

  “Great.”

  Barry followed me as I walked him to the door, craning his neck to look in the various rooms we passed on the way. The door snapped shut under the weight of my hand.

  In need of more coffee, I turned back to the kitchen and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I had to make some calls.

  Jenny

  Unable to face the world, I ordered a club sandwich from room service for lunch. Too painful to sit on the balcony and see all the people enjoying life on the beach, I settled for eating on the sofa in the living area while watching the National Geographic channel. Animals eating other animals, anything not to see people having fun.

  A phone rang and for a moment I looked around, confused, before realizing it was the hotel room’s phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Ms Muller?”

  “Speaking.”

  “Hi, this is Judy from the front desk. As a VIP guest of the hotel, we’d like to offer you a complimentary private guided tour of the island this afternoon.”

  “I’m okay, but thank you.” I’d rather wallow in my room.

  “It’s a wonderful tour, you can see the waterfalls and landscapes of our beautiful island.”

  “I have some stuff to do here.”

  “Some of Oahu’s coastline is breathtaking, it’s not something you’ll want to miss.”

  Only half listening to her, I glanced over to the television. Ugh. Elephants mating. Even the elephants are happy. Everything in the world is happy except me. I had to escape.

  “Is the tour completely private? Like, would it only be me?”

  “Absolutely. It’s in our luxury car with a driver. If there’s anything specific you want to see just let him know.”

  “Okay, I’ll take you up on that.”

  “You won’t regret it, you’ll love our private tour.”

  “When is it?” The sooner the better. I could sit in privacy in the back of the car, moving too fast to notice happy people.

  “As soon as you’re ready. Say, an hour?”

  “I can be ready in thirty minutes.”

  “Perfect, the car will be waiting for you.”

  It was so freaking hot out I ditched my shorts and t-shirt in favor of a breezy sun dress. That and I bought a really cute orange one in the Labor Day sales and it would be the only chance I had to wear it before the spring.

  The full skirt didn’t even reach mid-thigh. I twirled in front of the mirror, and the skirt flew up, exposing my ass. The open back meant I couldn’t wear a bra, another plus in the heat.

  I felt a little better in this dress, and decided to actually slap some make-up on and take my hair out of its ponytail and style it.

  A silver Audi waited for me in front of the hotel. It reminded me of the same one that we took from the airport, but I hadn’t been paying close enough attention to know if it was the same car and driver or not.

  “Good afternoon,” the driver said holding the back door open for me.

  “Afternoon.” I got into the backseat and slid over behind the passenger seat so the driver wouldn’t see me in the rear view mirror.

  At least the air conditioning had been on and the car was nice and cool. I took my oversized sunglasses out of my purse and put them on, but the sun was so bright it didn’t even seem like I had them on.

  “I’m Mike, is there anything in particular you’d like to see? Pearl Harbor?” God no, I was depressed enough as it is.

  “Something cheerful that isn’t crowded with people. Judy mentioned something about the scenic coastline?”

  “Sure. I’ll show you some great spots. I’ll take you through some of the Koʻolau Range on the way.”

  The car pulled away from the hotel and soon we were out of the city. I relaxed more, not seeing small children on every street corner. Mike didn’t speak, which suited me well. Small talk was the last thing I wanted to do right now.

  He drove me around for hours, showing me all sorts of breathtaking scenery. Mountains, rainforests and spectacular coastlines. It put me in a better mood, and there were a couple of times when I was sad to be leaving all this natural beauty the following day.

  “This is a great spot to watch the sunset,” he said parking the car.

  I got out and sat on a nearby park bench while Mike stayed in the car. Tears rolled down my cheeks at the oranges and pinks lighting up the sky and ocean. How pathetic to be watching something so romantic by myself.

  It hadn’t even dropped all the way behind the ocean when I went back to the car. As beautiful as it was, all I couldn’t stop thinking about how pathetic I was.

  “Ready to go?” Mike asked, his brow creased.

  “Yes, thanks.”

  “Okay, onto the last tour stop, dinner on the beach.”

  Even though I’d only picked at my club sandwich, I hadn’t much of an appetite. But I supposed I had to eat something.

  Mike pulled the car away and I relaxed back into the seat. Now that it was dusk and I couldn’t see much, my mind wandered and I struggled to hold back my tears.

  We turned onto a dark lane, making me sit up and notice my surroundings. I hoped Mike didn’t have less than honorable plans for me.

  Collin

  We’re on our way

  Mike’s text set me in motion, everything had to be perfect, this might be my only chance. My gut wrenched with nerves.

  “Alan, they’re on their way, get ready.”

  “Sure thing, Collin.”

  I’d arranged for Alan Wong, of the best restauranteurs in Honolulu, along with his top kitchen staff and best waiter to come prepare dinner at my house tonight.

  I did a final check of everything, making sure every last tiki light was aflame and the table and flowers looking perfect.

  With nothing left to do, I sat and the table and waited.

  We’re here

  Mike’s text made my heart pound. This was it. I sprung to my feet and followed the line of tiki lights to the gate Jenny would be coming through. Hopefully she wouldn’t turn on her heels and demand to be taken back to the hotel when she sees me.

  “This is a restaurant?” Jenny asked, her voice getting closer.

  “It’s on the beac
h,” Mike said.

  I took my position beside the gate, still trying to figure out the best thing to say to her.

  Jenny walked through the gate. My breath stopped at the sight of her in her little sundress. I swear she gets more beautiful each time I see her.

  “Jenny,” I said emerging from the shadows of the trees and standing directly in her path.

  She gasped and flung her hands to her mouth. I stayed motionless in front of her.

  “You look beautiful. That dress is stunning on you.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, taking a step toward me.

  Her eye shone up at mine, a single tear running down her cheek. I drew her into my arms, and the physical contact with her reduced the tension in my body. We embraced for several minutes, I didn’t ever want to let go of her.

  “I was hoping you’d have dinner with me.”

  She swallowed and pushed away from me to look into my eyes, “I would like that.”

  “I’ve brought in the best chef on the island to make you a series of dishes based on your favorite things.”

  “Wow, you didn’t have to do all of that.”

  “I wanted to, I wanted you to know I’d do anything for you.”

  Jenny went up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. “Thank you.”

  “Walk with me,” I said taking her hand and leading her through the flaming tiki lights.

  Jenny squeezed my hand and moved close against me, her shoulder often came into contact with mine as we walked.

  “What is this place?” she asked, her eyes sweeping over all the tiki lights and to the circle of flames around the small dinner table.

  I’d had them set it with a crisp white tablecloth and the finest silverware. A large circle of tiki lights surrounded it, with another circle of large tropical flower arrangements between them and the table. A canopy hung over the table, seemingly attached to nothing, and a centerpiece of hibiscus and candles nestled in the middle of the table.

  “This is my house, my beach.” I looked at her as I said it. Jenny’s eyes widened and her head moved as she took in another look of my beach.