Arousal

by Simone Sowood

  “A shock? A wife and baby is a lot more than a shock.” She still didn’t take her gaze from the streets of Honolulu.

  “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you before. There’s no excuse.”

  She let the silence between us hang for a painfully long time, because the six hours of it on the plane wasn’t enough. I didn’t push her to speak, no news was good news as far as I was concerned.

  We drove along, the bright sun a stark contrast to my gloom.

  “I’m going to go to a hotel.”

  “Sure baby, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

  “Thank you.” That sounded entirely too formal for my liking.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come meet Harlan first? I can take you to a hotel afterwards. The best on Waikiki beach.”

  “I, um, I’m sorry, I think it’s best if I go to a hotel.”

  “Right,” I said, unable to finish my sentence for fear of my voice breaking. I took several deep breaths before leaning forward. “We need to stop at the Royal Hawaiian.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  The car pulled up to the historic pink hotel. As I stepped out, I could hear the roar of the waves on Waikiki beach. I went around to the trunk and pulled Jenny’s suitcase out.

  She came around the back of the car. I turned and pulled her case into the hotel before she had a chance to stop me.

  “Collin,” she called after me, “I don’t think I can afford this place.”

  “Baby, I’ve brought you all the way here, I’m not about to make you pay for a hotel.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. We tried it, we really did, but it didn’t work. It’s best now if I find my own way.”

  The finality of her words took a minute to sink in and when they did I wanted to scream and yell and throw stuff. Instead I said, “I insist.”

  I marched into the hotel before she had a chance to object. They knew me here well because I sent them many of my VIP clients. I went straight to the executive check in counter.

  “Hey, Judy, how’s it going?” I forced myself to sound friendly and interested, something my years schmoozing with clients has taught me.

  “Collin, nice to see you back in town.”

  “I have a friend here that needs a room.” I waved my hand towards Jenny.

  “Hi there,” Judy said.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can afford a room here.”

  “Well let me see what we can do. Collin is a good friend to the hotel, and I’m sure we can comp you a room but let me confirm it with my manager.”

  I stared after Judy as she disappeared through a door. Jenny stood just behind me, and to my side. I had to try again.

  “Baby, do you want to take a couple of days here, enjoy the beach, while I sort some stuff out? Then I can come back for you, and we can fix this, we really can.” I ran my hand down her arm and tried to take her hand but she pulled it away.

  She shook her head. “No, I don’t think we can fix this. You lied. A great, big whopper. Which might be okay, except you seem to have too much going on in your life. Too much that you’re not even aware of yourself. Something’s going on with some photos. You need to focus on straightening out your situation.”

  And there it was. I knew from the start not to drag her into my fucked up life, and I went and did it anyway. I didn’t blame her. Not one bit.

  There was nothing more for me to say.

  Judy returned, and rushed over to us.

  “Good news…” she started but when she looked at me she stopped herself. “Collin? Is everything okay?”

  Unable to form words from my constricted throat, I nodded and offered nothing more. Judy looked to Jenny and back to me.

  “Well, good news, we’re able to let you friend have an ocean view suite in the tower on the house. I wasn’t sure how long you wanted it for, but you’re welcome to stay up to a week on the house.”

  “Great, thanks Judy.” I managed to force the words but couldn’t make them sound anything other than dead.

  “Free?” Jenny asked.

  “Yes honey, no charge.”

  “Thank you, that’s amazing.”

  “Let’s get you checked in.”

  “Here are you card keys, the elevator’s through there. I’ll have your bag sent to your room.” Judy passed me the cards and pointed to her right.

  My heart raced as I marched to the elevator, terrified of what Jenny would say next. She caught up to me, and we stood in front of the elevators.

  “I can find my way from here,” she said, her voice flat and her eyes on the elevator doors.

  “Jenny,” I tugged at her hand but she wouldn’t look at me.

  The elevator doors open and she stepped inside. I tried to follow her but she put her arm up, blocking me.

  “I can find my way from here. It was nice seeing you again,” she said.

  Her words ripped my heart from my chest and shoved it in my face. The doors started to close but I shoved my arm in them, holding them open.

  “I love you,” I said, trying to capture her eye contact.

  Jenny stared over my shoulder, to the lobby behind me. After several breaths I let go of the door and watched it close.

  I didn’t blame her. Why did I even attempt to bring her into my life?

  Jenny

  The second the door closed I broke down in tears, having to lean against the wall for support.

  How could he do that to me? All of it. Not telling me about the wife and child, that’s bad. He point blank lied when I asked him why he stopped drinking. Why?

  Did he think so low of me, that I couldn’t accept a child from a previous relationship? Or did he bring me here to show me his baby and house and life in Hawaii because he wasn’t going back to Chicago?

  Or did he not tell me because the previous relationship was messed up.

  Whatever was going on between him and Blake was seriously messed up. The way he stood over Blake, barking at him the way he did, I didn’t know that side of him existed. Collin seemed oblivious to the hatred Blake clearly had for him.

  I still couldn’t figure out the comment about Blake having the photos, and releasing them would be hurting himself. What was that about? No matter how long I turned it around in my head, I couldn’t understand.

  I stumbled to my room, a glorious one bedroom suite in a tower overlooking the expanse of Waikiki beach. If I wasn’t so heartbroken, I might’ve enjoyed it.

  I raided the mini bar for tequila, along with scotch and rum and vodka, and set myself up on the balcony.

  Seeing all the couples walking hand in hand on the beach brought me to the brink of tears. Instead I focused on the waves rolling in and out, their sound soothing my aching heart.

  A man on the beach used a stick to write the words ‘marry me Katie’ and covered them with a beach towel. I knocked back another shot of straight vodka as he led a blonde with a bob to them, went down on one knee and ripped the towel away.

  I would never know that happiness.

  On the verge of hyperventilating by the time she’d flung her arms around him, I went inside and threw myself on the bed.

  How did I let myself get swept away by Collin again? I knew from the start it would never work. How could I be so stupid to ever think that it might?

  Somehow I managed to delete all the text messages sent by Collin without reading them. That’ll teach him what it feels like to be blanked.

  I wiped the tears from my cheeks and phoned Marla.

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “I’m in Honolulu.”

  “No way.”

  “We flew here today on Collin’s jet.”

  “What’s going on? You sound drunk. And sad. That’s not a good combination”

  “Turns out he has a wife and a baby. We broke up.” I broke down.

  “What?”

  “Yeah. The wife just died. He brought me here to get the baby. He only told me on the plane.”

  “He just spr
ung that on you? That’s fucking insane.”

  “I know, tell me it’s not just me overreacting.”

  “I can see why you’re mad.”

  “Mad? I’m a little more than mad. He doesn’t even know if the kid is his. He thought it was, he’s all into the kid, and then on the plane this other guy said he was the real father.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  “It’s messed up.” I moved back to the balcony, seeking solace in the waves.

  “Poor Collin. Imagine thinking you’re a parent, and loving the kid, then finding out it isn’t yours. I don’t know what I’d do. Talk about a mind fuck.”

  “There’s more going on. Something neither of them said out loud on the plane.”

  “Well did you ask him what it was?”

  “No. I was too angry.” I took a moment to consider what Marla said, as best I could through my fuzzy, drunken head.

  “I’ve gotta go.”

  “Don’t you dare, I’m not done talking logic into you yet.”

  “Shut up with your logic, I’ve been drinking.”

  “No shit, I can tell you’ve been drinking. You’re also not being fair.”

  “I called you to side with me. I knew I should’ve called Abbie.”

  Marla laughed, not even attempting to hide her contempt for Abbie. “You know, your behavior is exactly what I’d expect from Abbie.”

  “Yeah, because your relationship with Trent isn’t dysfunctional at all.”

  “My relationship with Trent is fanfuckingtastic.” What’s got her in such a good lovey-dovey mood?

  “I gotta go, bye.”

  “Don’t you dare…” I ended the call.

  All the little bottles from the mini bar were empty. I considered phoning down for more before deciding bed was a better idea.

  Despite the amount of alcohol I’d drunk, each time I closed my eyes the images of the man proposing on the beach played on a loop in my head. Except it was Collin doing the proposing, sometimes to me, sometimes to my lookalike.

  Each time he proposed to me, my heart raced and my entire body came alive with joy. Each time he proposed to my lookalike, I went numb, I was just another bystander.

  And it’s all my fault. I turned my back on Collin. The situation with his dead wife, son and Blake had to be ripping him apart. And I blanked him when he needed my support the most. I am a first rate schmuck.

  He’d never forgive me. I’d never forgive me.

  Collin

  Watching Jenny disappear behind that elevator door was like a knife slicing across my chest.

  She hated me, and I didn’t blame her. I lied to her when she asked me why I stopped drinking. She had every right to know about Raylene and Harlan, of course she did.

  There was no point in trying to shield her from the crap in my life once things got serious. I fucked up, I should’ve told her the second we decided we were in a relationship again.

  I should’ve told her before, so she could decide if she wanted to be in a relationship with me at all.

  At the time I thought it was too big a risk, that she’d reject me until I got my situation sorted out. Now she’s rejecting me forever, and I don’t blame her.

  The silver Audi A9 pulled through the gates and onto the grounds of my east facing property on the beach. Resembling a Spanish villa, the house sprawled across the center of the grounds, the middle section a full three stories.

  I opened the door and strode through the entrance hall and around the house until I located Harlan and the nanny. I found them in the playroom, a room packed full of everything a baby could ever need and more. The massive, gurgly smile on Harlan’s face as he was played with a dump truck melted my heart.

  Just seeing him took away some of the numbness I’d been engulfed in since seeing that door close on Jenny.

  “Dada,” he said when I entered the room. For a moment everything faded away, Raylene’s death, Blake’s claims, even Jenny, and I felt whole again as I scooped Harlan into my arms.

  He was the reason I straightened myself out. If it wasn’t for Harlan, I wouldn’t have had second chance with Jenny. I’d do anything for him and right now, giving him the best possible life is what matters.

  But I could no longer ignore what Blake said on the plane. How long had he had a relationship with Raylene?

  “Liv, did Raylene have a boyfriend, a great big guy?”

  “I’m not sure, she had so many men here all the time with all the parties. I tried to stay out of the way.”

  “Thanks,” I said, disappointed. “I have to make an confidential phone call, but I’ll be back soon to play trucks,” I told Harlan, kissing his soft head.

  I set Harlan back on the floor and put his trucks in front of him. If there was ever a moment I wish I could freeze in time, this was it. The moment Harlan fully became part of my life.

  Except now I might not. Not if Blake’s words were true and Harlan wasn’t my son after all. The possibility wrenched my gut. As I entered my study, nauseousness overcame me and I had to sit and lean forward on my desk until it passed.

  “Hey,” Daniel said into the phone.

  “You’re not going to believe what Blake told me.”

  “Try me. He already phoned me.”

  “Fuck. What do you think?”

  “I don’t know what to think. He said Raylene planned it from the start and he went along with it.”

  “What do you mean from the start?”

  “According to him, whenever you were really drunk you’d hit on her, calling her Jenny. When she found out she was pregnant, she thought she’d get herself a nice life by saying you were the father.”

  The news was like a cannonball to my stomach. I leaned on the desk again, nauseous.

  Think, did I sleep with her before she told me about the pregnancy? Sorting through the vague half memories, I could see myself and her in the Honolulu club after hours. I remember grabbing her ass behind the bar, kissing her against a wall. That happened several times. But did it go further? I’m convinced it did.

  “We need to find out for sure.”

  “Blake’s already demanded a DNA test.”

  “This is a fucking joke. You’re telling me having another man take full parental rights over his son was fine and dandy for him? And now all of a sudden he wants the kid? He’s full of shit.”

  “We’ll find out, relax, I’m sure Harlan’s yours.”

  “How long is it going to take?”

  “With your money? Twelve hours, maybe less. Seriously, relax about this, I’m sure Harlan’s yours and we’ll prove it. I’m arranging it now, someone will come get your sample in the morning.”

  Daniel had made me feel marginally less worried over Blake’s claim. But not about the photos. I raided the house, searching through all of Raylene’s things. My efforts yielded nothing. Where would she keep the photos? She didn’t have the the knowledge of computers to be smart enough to stick them online, unless she’d posted them to her instagram.

  After giving up on finding them under her dresser, I sat back on my heels, my breath heavy. Think. She wasn’t the brightest, but I had to look everywhere. I jogged down the stairs two at a time and opened the safe in my office. And there it was, a memory stick in plain sight.

  I shoved it in my computer and sure enough, photos of several of my high profile, famous VIPs doing things they shouldn’t be doing.

  The photos coming out would ruin my relationship with them, and threaten to dry up my bread and butter overnight because they wouldn’t trust they had privacy.

  Blake had better realize the photos coming out would hurt him directly. It just meant I couldn’t fire him. And I really fucking wanted to fire him.

  I went back to the playroom and spent an hour playing trucks and reading board books. The entire time my mind churned with both Blake and Jenny. The two people who destroyed my world today.

  Jenny hates me and I don’t blame her one bit. What kind of guy springs the news of a wife and child
on someone on the plane on the way to see that child?

  Why did I think I could bring Jenny here and she’d waltz right in and be a wife and mother?

  She hadn’t responded to any of my texts, turning the knife in my chest each time. Is this how she felt when I stopped answering her emails? What a prick I’d been. Both then and now.

  Liv came and got Harlan for his dinner. Alone, I retreated to my study and poured myself two fingers of 25 year old Glenmorangie single malt. I grasped the glass, staring into the amber liquid. Did I really want to go here again? To go back to what I was before I had a son and a girlfriend?

  I lifted the glass to my face, inhaling the peaty scent. Not today, I walked into the nearby cloakroom and dumped the liquid down the sink.

  Needing to deal with the stress and heartache somehow, I changed into my trunks and dove into my free form pool. I sank to the bottom and sat on the floor of the pool. The distorted sights and sounds of the world deadened my nerves. As long as I was down here, the rest of the world could go to fucking hell.

  I surfaced for air and gulped in another big breath before sinking again. If I lost Harlan, it would be through no fault of my own. But I had to make this up to Jenny, somehow. I couldn’t lose her through my own stupidity.

  Jenny

  A world class pounding head and queasy stomach woke me in the morning. Desperate for relief, I rolled over and buried my head in the pillow. Did they do room service for Advil?

  Except no amount of Advil, or Tylenol or Aleve would fix the pain in my heart.

  Being with Collin again made me feel complete. Like I didn’t waste the last seven years of my life, because he was worth waiting for.

  He was worth waiting for. And I treated him so badly he’d never forgive me. He’s probably thinking about what a horrible person I am for ditching him in his hour of need. I feel like the most horrible person on the planet.

  I dragged myself into the shower and turned it up as hot as I could bear. The steam helped alleviate the pounding in my head but it didn’t ease the pain in my heart.