Secrets (1985)

by Steel, Danielle

  You mean I've got the job? She looked incredulous, as though it couldn't possibly be happening to her.

  He laughed. I do. You're a fine actress, Gabrielle, and you got the part because of it.

  Wow! She came around his desk and threw her arms around him, giving him an enormous kiss on the cheek and then standing back as he grinned. Thank you, Mr. Wechsler. Thank you! She pumped his hand, and he walked her to the door, assuring her that they would be calling her agent by the following day. And he watched her go, as she bounded down the stairs. And he couldn't hear her, but as she reached the sidewalk outside, she gave a leap in the air she'd learned in ballet, and let out a victorious whoop of joy. She'd done it! She had the biggest part of her career! Gabby Smith was on her way.

  Chapter 11

  Who are those from? Jack Adams eyed his wife suspiciously as he walked in the front door and saw the arrangement sitting there.

  There was a long pause as Jane looked at him. She had been rehearsing the words in her head all afternoon, and suddenly she couldn't remember any of them. She knew what she had to say, but it was even harder than she had been afraid it would be.

  I asked who they were from. She never got flowers from anyone but him, and he hadn't given her flowers in the past ten years.

  They're from Lou.

  What for? Did you tell him to go screw himself about that part?

  Slowly, she shook her head. It was the hardest thing she'd ever done, but she also knew, deep in her heart, that she was doing the right thing. They would all treat her differently after this. Jack, and the kids. They'd respect her now. She was sure of it. And more importantly, she'd respect herself.

  That's what you told him, isn't it?

  No, it's not. She looked beautiful as she said the words, but Jack didn't care, and Jane herself wasn't aware of it. I told him I would.

  You did what? He looked as though he'd been slapped.

  I told him I'd take the part. Her voice was stronger now. I know how you feel about it, Jack ' but it's important to me. Very important to me, in fact. With every word, she felt victory, and he looked at her in disbelief, as though unable to believe what he was hearing from her.

  Do you remember what I told you about that? They were still standing in the small entrance hall, and the perfume from the flowers seemed to envelop them. Jane could hardly breathe as he looked at her angrily. Do you remember my telling you that it was either Hollywood or me? Do you remember that? As always, he spoke to her as though to a very stupid child.

  She nodded miserably. I do but ' Jack, this isn't like that. This is an important part on a major show

  He cut her off. Who'd you screw to get it, Jane?

  No one. She looked at him unhappily. They called me out of the blue. It was almost true, though she knew that one day she'd have to tell him about her part on Sorrows too, but there was time for that later on.

  Why did they call? Because they heard you were an easy lay?

  She started to cry and turned away from him. Don't say things like that. Jack ' please let me do this. She turned imploring eyes up to him, and he pushed her away from him and shoved past her into the living room, only to see another enormous bouquet in the dining room beyond. He stalked into the bedroom then, yanked open the closet door and threw a suitcase on the bed, as Jane hurried after him. Jack, please ' please listen to me. She knew she had to tell him she'd give up the part, but it wasn't fair of him. And it was too high a price to pay for the little happiness he gave her in return. Please ' She started to sob and he was shouting at her, as the girls came out of their rooms to see what was going on.

  Your mother's going back to Hollywood, to sleep with all the producers and directors there, and I'm leaving her, he shouted at them, as they both began to cry. I'm leaving her because I refuse to be married to a Hollywood whore. And yet he expected her to be a whore to him, any time of night and day, without a kind word, after all the indignities and brutalities he'd put her through, and twenty years of taking it because she thought she owed him that, because he gave her a nice house and three kids and respectability. Well, to hell with him. She slammed the bedroom door so the girls couldn't hear what was going on, but they could anyway. And Jane was livid now.

  Stop saying things like that! I've been faithful to you for twenty years, and I was never an easy lay, never! Do you hear me, Jack? I want my career again, some recognition, a little respect ' a feeling of accomplishment before I'm too old to care and you drive me into the ground for the last time ' is that so much to ask? Is that so wrong? He didn't even answer her, he just threw an armful of ties and shirts and underwear into the bag, grabbed two pairs of shoes and his tennis clothes, and slammed the bag shut again, zipping it up and then scooping an armful of suits out of the closet, before yanking the bedroom door open again. He looked at her with complete disdain and she wondered if he'd been drinking again as he spoke to her.

  I'm calling my lawyer, Jane. And since you have your own career, you won't be needing anything from me. How could he think of that? What did it matter now? He was flushing twenty years down the can, their whole life, their marriage, empty as it may have been. But it meant nothing to him. None of it. And the girls were clinging to him as he made his way down the hall with his clothes in his arms, they were begging him not to go, to stay with them. Alexandra even went so far as to ask him to take her along, as he turned back to Jane with a vicious look. See, that's what they think of you. They don't want to live with a whore any more than I do.

  Stop calling me that! She advanced on him, but the two girls were between her and Jack, and Alex screamed at her.

  Stay away from him! ' stay away from all of us! I hate you! ' I hate you' . She was still sobbing when Jack slammed the front door and drove off, and a moment later, both girls locked themselves in their rooms, and Jane was left alone again, with her own thoughts, her broken dreams, and a trail of ties and socks that Jack had left behind him down the hall. She picked them up as she walked slowly back to their room, thinking of all that had happened there. The times he'd ravaged her, the abuses she took from him constantly ' and now he'd walked out on her ' all because of the part in Manhattan, or was there more to it than that? She wondered if he'd been waiting for the opportunity for a long, long time.

  The girls didn't come out of their rooms again that night, even though Jane pleaded with them, knocking softly on their doors at regular intervals. She left their dinner wrapped in tinfoil in the oven, and went back to her own room alone. There was no one to talk to, no one to call, and there was no comfort from the girls. He'd seen to that. Just like he'd seen to everything. She sat wondering if what she was doing was worth the price she was paying for it. She thought of calling Lou and telling him she couldn't take the part. But she had a right to it ' didn't she? ' She lay down on her bed in all her clothes that night, and sobbed herself to sleep, wondering what the answers were.

  Chapter 12

  The invitation reached each of them on precisely the same day. The main body of the card was engraved at Tiffany on creamy white, with a narrow edge of gold, and a simple script. Mel Wechsler requests the pleasure of your company for ' on ' at ' with the address of his home in Bel Air. And his secretary had carefully written in each name, and eight o'clock, and at the very bottom in small script, just as he had instructed her to, to meet your fellow members of the cast.

  She had called Chasen's at the same time, and ordered his favorite menu for them. Steak, chili, small roasted potatoes, asparagus with hollandaise, with hors d'oeuvres first, and plenty of caviar. There was a rich chocolate fudge cake for dessert, with ice cream and chocolate sauce. It was good, simple fare, and it appealed to everyone. In all, there would be five guests and Mel. He had briefly thought of inviting a few friends, and then decided not. It was best to let them get know each other, without outsiders looking on. They were the five main stars of the new show, and he wanted them to make friends. It would be important to the show, and he wanted everything to go as smoothly as
possible. He had been meeting with the network all week, and everything was set there. All of the contracts had been signed, there were no more wrinkles to work out with the stars, Fran+oois Brac was expecting Sabina in Paris in two weeks, and everything was set to go. The supporting actors were being hired, the auditions were in full swing, and an item had been leaked to the press, mentioning who the stars of Manhattan would be. And Mel was pleased with all of it. Extremely pleased, he acknowledged to himself as he left the office that day. He wanted to go home to oversee the dinner arrangements himself. He wanted to make sure the house looked just right, and the atmosphere was what he had in mind. He had had his secretary invite everyone in black tie, just to set the mood for them, besides it was always more fun to get dressed up, especially for the girls.

  And when he got home he was satisfied with everything. Chasen's always did a bang-up job, and his housekeeper had organized everything. He even had time to take a swim and lie by the pool for a while. And he knew that if he fell asleep Maria would wake him up in plenty of time to dress.

  He wasn't the only one sleeping that afternoon. Bill had been so nervous all day that he'd gone jogging in the hills, come home and taken a shower, and fallen asleep lying stark naked on the bed in the little cottage, with Bernie stretched out on the floor nearby, panting in the warm September afternoon, and standing guard over him. But he only wagged his tail when Sandy came in. He never greeted her with the same enthusiasm he greeted Bill. But he felt no need to bark, he knew who she was and that she was welcome there, although she hadn't been back since the morning she had come to take her clothes several weeks before. And she stood for a moment, watching them, not sure whether to wake him or not, and then gently he stirred. And then as though he realized there was someone in the room, Bill sat up suddenly and stared at her, not sure if he was dreaming or if she was really there.

  Hi, there' . She looked even worse than she had three weeks before, and his heart went out to her. There was an ugly bruise on one cheek, and a fresh scar that ran into her hair.

  Where've you been? Wherever it was, it hadn't been good, and he wondered for a horrified instant if someone had been beating her. Are you okay? It was a foolish thing to ask. She was anything but, but at least she didn't appear to be completely loaded for a change, a little high perhaps, but no more than that, and she smiled at him and sat down on the edge of the bed. She was wearing clothes he didn't recognize and he wondered where she was living now, and he suddenly felt self-conscious as he realized he wasn't wearing anything. He reached for the towel he'd left on the bed and covered himself as she smiled at him.

  I hear you got the big break you've been waiting for. He nodded, more concerned with her than himself. I'm happy for you, Bill.

  Thanks. She'd had her big break too, and screwed it up, but neither of them mentioned that. Where are you living now?

  With friends on South La Brea. I'm okay. It was difficult to believe, looking at her. She looked dirty and tired and ten years older than she was.

  I wish you'd put yourself in a hospital. He refused to give up on her. He felt as though he owed it to her, in memory of the good times, and also out of guilt because his life was going so much better now.

  I will one of these days, when I get the chance.

  How about like right now? He would have taken her there, anywhere, to any of the drug programs they both knew about. He just wanted to know she was all right, before he moved on with his life. She'd been his wife, after all.

  I've got to be somewhere in a little while. He knew she was lying to him and there was no point arguing with her. He had no control over her anymore, in truth he never had. I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you. Will you be moving to New York?

  He shook his head. We're just going on location for a month or six weeks, but not for a while. I'll be around. He wanted her to know she could still call him, if she needed to. He was scared for her. She had entered a world that frightened him, and he was afraid of what would happen to her there.

  I guess you want to get a divorce one of these days. But the truth was he didn't want that. He was afraid of the publicity now.

  There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere. Okay?

  Sure. She looked sadly at him, as though he represented everything she'd lost and it tore his heart out just looking at her. She looked like a frightened, broken child. But he knew he couldn't make it right for her anymore, he had never been able to do that I just thought that now ' with the show '

  Never mind.

  She looked at him sorrowfully. I didn't want to take you down with me. I figured you were better off this way, that's why I haven't called. She had wanted to explain that to him, and he understood. He figured that was why she hadn't been back. He wrapped the towel around his waist and stood up, and the contrast between them was pitiful. She was so thin, so sick, so pale, and he looked so young and healthy and strong and alive.

  Can I fix you something to eat? She shook her head. She was living on candy bars and cigarettes, but she had no appetite anymore. All she needed was a fix, she didn't care about the rest. Food didn't even look good to her. And the irony was that his fridge was full now. They were paying him a quarter of a million dollars for the first year. He had never dreamed of making anything like that. His fridge was going to be full for a long, long time. And it saddened him that she wasn't around for the good times. It was all over between them now, but he had to remind himself of that as he looked down at her, sitting on the corner of his bed. Do you need anything? I can' He started to offer her money, and then realized it would only wind up in her arm, and knowing the same thing and not wanting to take it from him, she forced herself to shake her head, and then slowly she stood up.

  I told you ' I'm fine' . His eyes filled with tears as he looked at her, and then gently, he reached out to her.

  Sandy, stay here' . I'll help you clean up. I swear. You can do it if you want.

  No, I can't. She smiled sadly at him. Not now. It's too late for me. This is your time, not mine. She was twenty-five years old and she acted as though her life were over. It was terrible, and he had to turn away so she wouldn't see him cry. He didn't want to lay that trip on her. There was no point guilt-tripping her out. She had her own life to lead. That was the way she wanted it, and maybe she was right.

  It can be your time again, anytime you want it to be. Just remember that. All you have to do is clean up. All you have to do ' no small task ' they both knew that ' but not impossible ' she knew that too. The trouble was she didn't want to clean up anymore.

  She walked over and touched his arm, so gently he barely felt her hand, like a little bird, lighting on his arm. Take care of yourself. She reached up and kissed his cheek, and then walked quickly out the door. He could hear her beat-up shoes on the pavement outside, and he forced himself not to go after her. He stood alone in the cottage, tears rolling down his cheeks, terrified he'd never see her again, and whispered softly, Good-bye, sweetheart. And after she left, he was in no mood to go anywhere.

  In Pasadena, Jane spent the afternoon at the hairdresser. This was a big day for her. She was going to meet the rest of the cast. She had been looking forward to it since the invitation arrived, and she had gone to Saks and bought a white beaded gown, and then almost returned it, deciding it was too showy after all. But it looked so fabulous on her, that the saleslady had talked her into keeping it.

  The girls weren't home from school yet when she got in, with her hair impeccably done, and her nails lacquered bright red. She took the dress out of the closet and looked at it, worrying about it again, as she did about everything, but to hell with it, she thought as she ran her tub. She still had hours before she had to leave, and Mel was sending a car for her so she didn't have to drive all the way in. And this was just the beginning, she knew. It was like being Queen for a Day, only it for a year, and maybe more, if the ratings were good. It was so exciting she could hardly stand thinking of it. And the only thing that dimmed the excitement for her wa
s what Jack was doing to her. He was poisoning the girls' minds, and he had gone up to see Jason at UC Santa Barbara, and told him the same things. Jason had called her himself and begged her not to do the show, that it was just too upsetting to Dad. And Dad had called his attorneys and not only filed suit for divorce but offered to sell her his half of the house. He said she could afford it now, and since they had community property, she owed him that after all these years. And if she didn't want to buy the house from him, she'd have to get out. She had ninety days' grace according to the letter she'd received, and he was refusing to take any of her calls when she tried to reach him, and she had finally given up. She had called an attorney of her own, and it was difficult to believe it had come to this in a few short weeks. But Jack was serious. If she wanted to do the show, he wanted a divorce. She had thought more than once of giving it up, but she knew that if she did, she'd hate him forever afterwards, so there was no point to it. The marriage was irreparably blown. She was no longer willing to play the game with him anymore, and she was looking forward to her new life. And she hoped that eventually the kids would come around to understanding that she was a human being too, with feelings and needs. And all the things Jack said about her weren't true.

  She didn't hear the front door open and close, or the footsteps in the hall as she stood in her underwear, waiting for the bath to fill, and she jumped when she saw him, as she turned around and turned it off.

  Jack ' what are you doing here? She hadn't seen him in weeks, since he'd come back for the rest of his clothes, and suddenly there he was, just standing there, staring at her, as though he had something to say to her.

  I came back to get something. But she knew as well as he did that there was nothing left to get. He had taken it all weeks ago, and she wondered why he was there.

  Is everything all right? She stood nervously watching him. There was an odd look in his eyes.

  I guess. I was going to call and talk to you anyway.