White Petals

by Maria Grace

  Mel put on her coat on and turned to face me. ‘How are you doing, Em?’

  ‘I’m OK,’ I replied. I felt really bad for giving her the evil eye upstairs and I wanted to say sorry, but I didn’t have the guts. Something about the way she looked at me made me choke up a bit, and for the first time that day, I really felt like crying.

  ‘Come here.’ She opened her arms to hug me. ‘Bring it in!’

  I buried my head in her coat. ‘I’m sorry for being nasty to you,’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean it.’

  ‘There’s no need to apologise,’ she consoled. ‘I wasn’t offended. I understand that you’re not really angry at me, you’re angry at the situation. It’s been an emotional day for you. Under the circumstances, I think you’ve coped with everything very well.’

  Sue called from the serving hatch in the kitchen. ‘Emmeline, I’m just making you a bit of food. Mel says that you haven’t had your tea. Are you OK with fish fingers?’

  ‘Yes, thank you!’ I called back.

  ‘I’ll get out of your way and leave you to settle in,’ said Mel. She picked up her bag, gave me a kiss on the cheek and shouted goodbye to Sue as she left.

  I watched her from the window. She got in her car and waved to me as she pulled off. Once I was sure Sue was in the kitchen, I took one deep breath to stop me from crying, and this desperate little sound came out – from somewhere inside me, where I was just a tiny version of myself, invisible.

  Sue called me over for my tea. I pulled myself together, walked to the table and sat quietly to eat.

  She started chatting to me as I chewed some chips. She said that she knew it must be difficult for me, being in a strange place, with strange people, but if I wanted to talk to her or anyone else, then there was always a member of staff available. She told me that I could call her Auntie Sue. That’s what all the kids called her, apparently.

  Freaks.

  I called my Auntie Sally ‘Auntie Sally’ because, even though she’s not actually related to me, she’s known me since I was little. She used to babysit me and my sister. Everyone has some kind of auntie or uncle who’s not really an auntie or an uncle. But this wasn’t like that. I didn’t even know this woman. Not being funny or anything, the lady seemed alright, but I really wasn’t comfortable calling her Auntie Sue. But I suppose if everyone else called her that, then I’d better get used to it.

  I tried to relax and eat my fish fingers.

  I could hear her speaking on the phone in the office.

  ‘Emmeline Rose,’ she said to the person on the other end. ‘No, not Emily; Emmeline. No, you’re saying it wrong, Jim, you stupidman! It’s Em-eh-leeeen.’

  I laughed at the defensive rise in her voice, and even though I didn’t really mind when people got my name wrong, I was grateful that she cared enough to correct the person on the phone. It reminded me of something a crazy aunt would do, and when I realised this, I decided that it wasn’t so bad if I had to call her Auntie Sue.

  I finished my food and put the empty plate in the kitchen, unsure whether I should wash it or not. That’s what I would usually do at home, but I wasn’t in my own home now, was I? I decided to swill it under the taps and leave it on the side by the dishwasher. I left the kitchen and took myself back into the living area, pacing back and forth nervously.

  I sat on the peachy-coloured sofa, watching telly on the edge of my seat. Sue – sorry, Auntie Sue – must be a fan of baking programmes, because she was watching a marathon of them.

  ‘I love a bit of Victoria Sponge!’ Auntie Sue’s voice came back into the room. ‘You should have seen the one they made earlier. Gooorgeous, it was!’

  I tried to watch the programme with her, but I couldn’t concentrate. Imagine going to visit someone’s house, and you’ve never met them before in your life. You feel like you have to be on your absolute best behaviour or when you get home, your mum will ground you for a month. Then take that feeling, multiply it by about twenty-seven, and you’re somewhere close to how I felt, sitting on that sofa. The only difference was that I had no mother there to ground me.

  Every now and again, my eyes would flicker at the window – the tiniest sound would send my guts into overdrive.

  I’d never met anyone that lived in a children’s home before. What if I didn’t like them? What if they didn’t like me? I hated all this. I didn’t want to meet all these new people. I just wanted to go home to my own room and forget that any of this ever happened.

  The waiting was the worst. Every time a car went past the place, my heart would go like the clappers.

  ‘Are you OK, Emmeline?’ asked Auntie Sue.

  I nodded, avoiding eye contact. I was frightened that even a grain of sympathy would break the dam. I felt so uncomfortable. Initially, I’d been glad that none of the other kids were there, but now I felt sick with nerves. I just wanted them to arrive so I could get it over and done with.

  I could feel her looking at me. I shifted awkwardly on the sofa. She reached her arm across and just patted my shoulder to comfort me.

  ‘It’s just so quiet,’ I said.

  Auntie Sue laughed. ‘Not for long, love. I’d make the most of it if I were you.’

  As if on cue, a conked-out old minibus drove slowly into the street and pulled into the car park.

  ‘Here they come!’ Auntie Sue got up from her seat and winked at me. ‘Brace yourself, kiddo!’

  FOUR

  What did she mean, brace myself? Now I really felt sick.

  I kept still on the sofa, watching through the window from a stomach-churning distance. Even from here I could hear the minibus was filled with noise. I could see bodies jumping over the seats and pushing each other around.

  ‘TYLER!’ A giant Santa-man stepped out of the minibus. ‘I’m telling you now, LEAVE IT THERE! Stop arguing with me and shut up!’

  ‘But, Jim!’ A little boy tumbled out of the bus after him. ‘He’s lying! I didn’t do anything!’

  I watched them walk down the path to the front door. The man was carrying a fishing rod and wearing a poncho, and the little boy had blond hair and a fishing net. He looked about seven.

  The others all pushed through the corridors and started dumping their bags on the floor and arguing with each other. There was a bit of a scrap as they piled on the sofas, fighting over the remote control.

  The little boy looked at me. ‘Who’s the girl?’ he asked, turning to the staff.

  ‘I don’t know, Tyler,’ replied Auntie Sue. ‘I asked what her name was, but it seems she’s an elective mute, because she obviously can’t speak for herself, can she?’ She rolled her eyes to signal for someone to talk to me.

  ‘What’s your name, girl?’ Tyler stood right in my face, eyes wide with curiosity. I could smell chocolate on him.

  ‘Emmeline,’ I answered.

  ‘Emmawhat?’

  ‘Emmeline.’ I was used to this. ‘Like Emily, but with an ‘n’ at the end … Emmeleeen.’

  He looked at me blankly, with his mouth slightly open.

  I picked at the skin around my fingernails. ‘Just call me Em.’

  ‘Emily…’ he said. ‘Em … Emily with an N … Emmaleeeeeen…’ He dismissed me with a wave of his hand. ‘I can’t be doing with all that. I’m confused now.’

  The giant man laughed out loud. ‘HA! HA! HAAAAA!’ He threw his head back and roared. ‘Buuuriful! He’s a buuuriful boy, aren’t you?’ He ruffled Tyler’s blond hair. ‘Don’t mind our Tyler. He’s a bit hyper today. We popped into Big Tesco on the way back. He gets excited when we go in there, because of all the stuff.’

  ‘Oh, Jim…’ Auntie Sue looked sternly at the man. ‘Not again.’

  He looked guilty and apologised under his breath.

  ‘You know we can’t take him to Big Tesco!’ Auntie Sue rubbed her forehead with the stress, and then explained to me. ‘Tyler can’t do Big Tesco,’ she said. ‘It sends him demented.’

  I tried to look like I understood what she was talking about.
r />   Auntie Sue clapped her hands together to get everyone’s attention. ‘EVERYONE!’ she shouted, but nobody listened.

  ‘YOU LOT!’ she shouted louder, but still no one took any notice.

  She was just about to shout for a third time, when the giant man put his thumb and middle finger together in a circle, put them in his mouth and let out an almighty whistle.

  Everybody stopped and stood to attention.

  ‘Thanks, Jim.’ Auntie Sue smiled at the man. ‘Everyone, I want to introduce the newest member of the household.’ Auntie Sue gestured to me. ‘This is Emmeline Rose, and she will be staying with us for a little while.’

  ‘Alright?’ A boy with a baseball cap nodded at me. He was about sixteen years old and had his tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks.

  ‘Alright,’ I replied, and nodded back.

  ‘My name’s Beano.’ He smiled. ‘Pleased to meet your acquaintance.’

  ‘Stop flirting, Beano.’ A red-headed girl frowned at him from across the room.

  ‘Jealous?’ Beano smirked at the girl and winked mischievously.

  ‘Oh, get over yourself, will you?’ The girl rolled her eyes and walked over to me.

  My mouth went a little dry.

  ‘Take no notice of that dickhead.’ She nodded her head in Beano’s direction. ‘I’m Karra, by the way.’

  Before I had the chance to reply, a muddy sock hit the back of her head. She started freaking out and ran after Beano, vowing to get her revenge.

  There were some mumbles of acknowledgement from the others and I smiled politely at them. Everyone carried on with what they were doing and I sat on the sofa, digesting it all.

  The giant man came over and reached out his hand for me to shake. ‘Hello, Emmeline. My name is Jimmy. You can call me Big Jim. Everybody else does. It’s a pleasure to meet you, love.’

  I shook his hand easily, already fond of the Big Friendly Giant. He excused himself, saying he had some reports to fill out in the office, so he would see me later.

  ‘How did the fishing trip go?’ Auntie Sue walked with him towards the office. ‘Did you catch many fish?’

  ‘I won’t lie to you, Sue. It didn’t go well.’ Big Jim looked solemn. ‘I can’t help but feel that if I had a longer, stiffer rod, I’d be a better fisherman.’

  ‘Yes,’ Auntie Sue smirked. ‘That’s what they all say.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Big Jim looked at her, confused.

  ‘Never mind,’ she said, and chuckled to herself.

  I watched the other kids – my brain processing their looks, voices, and personalities. And I felt, as I watched these strangers, as if I was a character from a very different sort of book to them. There was something untamed and rugged about them – something free. I knew that I probably seemed polished and temperate by comparison.

  There was a short, cute girl called Charlie. She looked younger than the other girls – maybe twelve years old?

  A girl called Quinn wore a lot of lipgloss and kept blowing bubbles with her chewing gum. It looked like strawberry flavour.

  And then there was a stocky girl called Bett, who I guessed had a learning disability of some sort, but I wasn’t sure what. Bett wore a bright orange tracksuit with neon yellow trainers, and her hair was bunched up in a messy ponytail. She looked like she could gladly take on all the Six Nations rugby teams at once and teach them a lesson. She called everyone by their full name – first and surname. She was friendly, but clearly temperamental. Auntie Sue told me that Bett’s key worker – the woman who mainly looked after her in the home – was called Gladys Friday. This was important for me to know, because Gladys Friday must always be referred to by her full and proper name. Nobody was allowed to address the woman by only her first name because if you did, then Bett, who had a real disdain for sloppiness, would go ab-so-lutely mental.

  I was trying to retain all this information to help get me through the next few hours. I knew that if I wanted to survive, I would need to stay fit and alert.

  ‘You.’ Karra acknowledged me again. She had a real edge to her, but I felt I could sense loyalty in her brilliant blue eyes. ‘Auntie Sue says that you’re sharing a room with me. You best not have sat on my bed.’

  I shook my head and smiled slightly, desperate not to show any fear – I knew if I did, she’d have me for breakfast. She held my gaze for just a second longer than was comfortable. When she was satisfied I wasn’t quite prey, but sure that I was no match for her either, she said, ‘Well, come on then. Are you coming upstairs or what?’

  We made our way through the living room and as I followed her, I threw up a little bit in my mouth. You know, the mini-sick? I think it was nerves. I could feel it swishing around the back of my throat, hot and full of acid.

  When we reached the corridor, I heard Tyler shouting from the living room. ‘Emmeleeeen!’ he called after me.

  I turned around and reluctantly swallowed the sick.

  He looked over the sofa and grinned at me. ‘Toast and tea is at nine. I’ll save you a seat.’

  FIVE

  I hadn’t been upstairs ten minutes before the clothes raid began.

  Two girls stood at the end of my bed, rummaging through my suitcase like they were in a Top Shop sale.

  ‘Oh-my-life! Can I borrow this?’ Quinn held up a blue cardigan with a white velvet rose on the front. My lucky cardigan! I knew I’d packed it!

  She folded it over her arm and sprayed my perfume on her neck.

  ‘Bugger off!’ Karra shouted, and I winced as she grabbed the cardigan. ‘I want that to go with my skinny jeans when we meet the boys tonight! There’s another one there – have that one instead.’

  Quinn huffed and carried on searching through my things for something else she fancied wearing. They both spotted my pink top at the same time, and Quinn seized it before Karra had a chance.

  ‘Give it.’ Karra gave Quinn a look of warning.

  ‘I’ll swap you for that blue cardigan.’ Quinn held the top out of Karra’s reach.

  ‘Deal!’ The two girls exchanged garments.

  Charlie, the little blonde girl, sat quietly on the edge of my bed, smiling at me sympathetically.

  I wanted to tell them to leave off my stuff, but I didn’t have the guts. I watched as they tackled each other over my lucky cardigan, and my heart skipped a beat every time it was thrown or grabbed. The white rose was so delicate, and it had little specks of glitter on it. It was my favourite cardigan in the world. Ed Sheeran had touched that cardigan, for goodness sakes! I washed it in the bath because I was too frightened to let it go in the washing machine, in case it got ruined.

  ‘Quinn!’ Karra’s voice was full of command. ‘Get off! You’re like a scavenger. Give the girl some space. We don’t want to make a bad impression on her first day here.’

  All four girls walked to the opposite side of the room, sat on Karra’s bed and looked at me as if they were interviewing me for a job.

  ‘So, what are you here for, Em?’ asked Karra.

  ‘Just some trouble with my mum,’ I answered.

  ‘Do you mean your mam?’ asked Quinn.

  ‘That’s what I said,’ I replied.

  ‘No, you didn’t.’ Quinn looked at me as if I was stupid. ‘You said, your mum.’

  ‘What’s the difference?’ I asked.

  ‘People from England say Mum,’ answered Karra. ‘And people from Wales say Mam. It’s a fact.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s an actual fact,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ Karra declared. ‘Check it on Google, if you don’t believe me. I’m not thick, you know!’

  I coughed nervously.

  ‘So, you’re having problems with your mam, are you?’ Little Charlie asked, picking up the conversation again.

  ‘Yes.’ I nodded.

  ‘Ahhh,’ they all empathised in unison.

  Quinn looked me straight in the face and asked, ‘Is she a junkie?’

  ‘Nooo!’ I answered, caught off guard. />
  ‘Is she a boozer?’ she pushed further.

  ‘No.’ I could only remember a few times in my life that my mum had properly been drunk.

  ‘A slag?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘She beating you up?’ Quinn looked hopeful.

  I shook my head.

  ‘Well, what the Donald Duck are you here for then?’ She stood up, miffed at the insufficient amount of gossip.

  ‘Her old man’s a wife beater, probably,’ said Karra. ‘Given your old girl a pasting, has he? Typical, that is.’

  ‘My dad would never do that to anyone,’ I answered sharply. ‘He’s a good dad… Was a good dad. Not now – he’s dead now. But when he wasn’t dead, he was a good dad.’

  Discomfort rose between us. I had to break the uneasy silence. ‘I mean, he’s a crap one now, of course. He’s never here for a start.’ The bad joke instantly made me feel guilty, but the girls laughed.

  ‘So why are you here then?’ Quinn asked. ‘You must be here for something. They don’t just chuck random kids into children’s homes, you know. My mother was smacking up about five times a day before they brought me here.’

  I stared at her, shocked. Was she telling the truth? Or joking?

  ‘Well,’ she said, ‘it was probably more than that really, but I’m not allowed to see my files until I’m eighteen. So I don’t really know how bad she was. But you know what I mean – they don’t just bring you here for nothing.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Karra agreed with her. ‘Specially not now, what with the depression and everything; they can’t afford it.’

  ‘The recession,’ the girls corrected Karra, and they rolled their eyes like this was an everyday thing.

  ‘Worrevs,’ Karra said. ‘You know what I mean, you bunch of tits.’

  ‘Oi! Now that’s enough, Karra-Jayne-Lewis,’ Bett told her off. ‘I’ve heard enough swearing from you today, thank you very much. I won’t have it. There’s no need. And if Emmeline Rose doesn’t want to talk about why she’s here, then that’s up to her.’