White Petals

by Maria Grace

  ‘Why don’t you shut up, Karra?’ I snapped.

  The other girls looked up at me, surprised at the confrontation.

  ‘Oh, here we go.’ Karra rolled her eyes. ‘Little Miss Perfect has finally found her balls. Well, I suggest you go and slap them in somebody else’s face, because I’m not in the mood for it, OK?’

  ‘Only you could defend yourself by talking about balls, Karra.’ I shook my head and laughed.

  ‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’ She folded her arms.

  ‘Well, it’s probably the only thing you know anything about,’ I replied.

  Karra got up from her chair and walked closer.

  I won’t lie to you: I pooped my pants.

  ‘You calling me a slag?’

  ‘No,’ I answered. ‘I didn’t say that, did I?’

  ‘But you implied it,’ she said.

  I stayed still, unsure of what to say next.

  ‘You really think you’re something special, don’t you?’ She had a warning tone to her voice. ‘Walking around, thinking you’re better than everyone else, with your fancy words and your stupid cinema trips.’

  ‘Leave it there, Karra,’ said Quinn. She tried to touch her arm, but Karra shook her off.

  Gladys Friday came over and stood in front of Karra.

  ‘Get out of my way, Gladys Friday!’

  ‘Karra, I know you’ve had a bad day, but this isn’t the way to deal with it, love,’ said Gladys Friday.

  ‘Yeah, that’s right – stick up for her!’ Karra scowled. ‘You automatically assume it’s my fault. That’s discrimination, that is! I could report you for that!’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sakes, Karra!’ Gladys Friday rubbed her eyes with the stress.

  ‘She’s right, actually.’ Quinn walked over to the ‘WHAT IS CHILD ABUSE?’ poster.

  ‘QUINN!’ Gladys Friday shouted. ‘Not now!’

  ‘But she’s right, Gladys Friday!’ Quinn pointed at the poster. ‘Look! It says here: “DISCRIMINATING AGAINST A CHILD BECAUSE OF RACIAL, CULTURAL, SOCIAL, OR ACADEMIC DIFFERENCES”.’

  Gladys Friday blew her cheeks out, trying to control her frustration.

  Quinn pointed to an illustration of a little boy covering his willy with both hands and said, ‘See! It’s right next to: “TOUCHING A CHILD WHERE OR WHEN HE OR SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE TOUCHED”.’

  ‘Ha!’ Karra snorted. ‘I told you! DISCRIMINATION.’

  ‘But I’m not discriminating against you, Karra!’ Gladys Friday was struggling to keep calm. ‘And I’m not touching you where you don’t want to be touched either!’

  ‘Break it up now, girls!’ Big Jim called over. ‘Emmeline, get your cardigan and let’s go. Karra, go and cool off on the sofa for a minute.’

  I went to get my lucky cardigan off the back of the chair, but Karra grabbed it and ran to the back of the table.

  ‘Give me my cardigan,’ I said, irritated that she was being so childish.

  ‘Oh, I’ll give you your luckycardigan … when I’ve wiped my arse on it!’ She pretended to wipe herself with the cardigan, and if I wasn’t so angry, it would have been hilarious.

  ‘Just give me my cardigan!’

  ‘Or what?’ Defiance crossed her face, and she wrapped her fingers around the delicate white velvet rose, getting ready to rip it off the blue cardigan.

  Panic spread through me as I stared at the rose, desperately holding on to it in my mind.

  I didn’t argue with her. We both knew that I wouldn’t … couldn’t do anything about it. Not just because I wouldn’t stand a chance against someone like Karra, but because … she was my friend.

  What was I doing? I didn’t want to fight with her. We were mates. This was just stupid.

  Karra looked at me with a mixture of anger and sadness in her eyes. Was she thinking the same as me? I tried to focus so I could tap into her thoughts and hear what was going on, but it was no use. For some strange reason, whenever I tried to tune into other people’s thoughts, I couldn’t do it. Yet whenever Stacey Lock was around, I automatically heard what was going on in her mind. I couldn’t shut off from the girl, even if I wanted to!

  ‘Somefriend you are, Emmeline!’ Karra spat her words at me.

  ‘ME?’ I shouted. ‘What about you? You’ve been stomping around here for weeks, grunting at everyone and picking on us all. You haven’t had time for any of us! You haven’t had time for your friends! You haven’t had time for…’

  I was sad all of a sudden. All these weeks, we were both going through a tough time – Karra with Lucas, and me with Stacey Lock. But we hadn’t been there to help each other. I had tried to talk to her about what was going on with Stacey, but she wouldn’t listen.

  ‘Time for what, Em? Time for you?’ Karra smirked. ‘You are such an attention-seeking cow. You think that just because you come from a nice house, and you have a nicefamily, and you go to a nice school, you deserve to have special treatment. Well, I’m not falling for it because I don’t give a flying…’

  ‘You’re wrong!’ I snapped. I wasn’t an attention seeker. Why would she say that?

  ‘Oh!’ Karra threw her hands in the air. ‘Yet again, everyone else is wrong, and Little Miss Perfect is right, as always!’

  I didn’t want to argue with her, but she was just so…

  ‘You’re INFURIATING!’ I shouted. ‘You think you’re the only one who’s had a tough time of it lately? You think that nobody else has problems? You walk around as if you own the place; shouting and swearing at us all, just because you can. We’re supposed to be your friends. Your family.’

  She looked away.

  ‘And all because of what, Karra?’ I asked. ‘Because your boyfriend is a jizz-bag who cheated on you with Sticky Vicky? Well, just because he treated you like rubbish, that doesn’t give you the right to treat us like rubbish, too!’

  Guilt spread across her face.

  Quinn interrupted us. ‘Actually, Em … he’s now her ex-boyfriend.’

  ‘SHUT UP, QUINN!’ Karra and I both shouted at the same time, and Quinn stepped back.

  ‘What problems?’ Karra asked.

  She caught me off guard and I stuttered because I didn’t know what to say.

  ‘What problems have you had?’ She waited for an answer.

  I felt the colour rise in my cheeks. I wanted to tell her about Stacey Lock, but I couldn’t just blurt it out here, in front of everyone.

  ‘Nothing,’ I said. ‘I wasn’t talking about anything specific, I just meant…’

  ‘Whatever.’ She turned her back on me. ‘Just go to the cinema, Em. Watch your wonderful film and enjoy your little school reward.’

  ‘You could go to the cinema, too, if you just went to school,’ I replied.

  ‘Don’t lecture me, Emmeline. It’s none of your business, OK? We can’t all be perfect like you.’

  ‘I’m not perfect,’ I said. ‘I’m just normal.’

  ‘OH!’ Karra shouted again. ‘And I’m not? I don’t go to school out of choice, alright? Because school can’t handle me. They can’t handle this.’ She clicked her fingers with attitude.

  ‘Karra…’ I was losing my patience with her. ‘It’s not a joke. If you went to school, then you could come to the cinema with us. If you went to school, then you would know that there is more than one university in the world. The University? I mean, come on!’

  As soon as I’d said it, I knew I was in the wrong. I knew I’d gone too far.

  Karra stared at me.

  I wished I could take it back.

  ‘Harsh,’ she said, her voice breaking.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t mean it.’

  ‘Yes, you did.’ Karra looked at me with sad eyes. Then her expression turned to one of anger. She curled her fingers around the little white velvet rose on the front of my lucky cardigan … and ripped it off.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  ‘Morning, Seth.’ We smiled at Mum’s name nurse.

  ‘Morning, lovies!
’ Seth smiled back at Mel, Freya, Grandma Coalman and me.

  We walked through the ward, past the lady with the rosary beads. She was praying, as always. There was another woman who kept wetting herself in the reception area. Freya and I thought she was hilarious, but Mel told us off if we laughed at her.

  It was weird to think of Mum as one of these people, because she really wasn’t like them. Or at least to us, she wasn’t. Mum may have suffered a breakdown, but she wasn’t completely off her tree, like some of the characters in this place. I was fed up of coming here now. Although it was good to see my mother, these Saturday-morning visits were starting to get on my nerves. And after yesterday’s episode with Stacey Lock, and last night’s argument with Karra, the last place I wanted to be was in a psychiatric ward! I wanted to be back in the children’s home, snuggled up in bed, reading a magazine and eating peanut-butter ice cream. But instead, I was stuck here watching crazy people literally peeing their pants.

  ‘Mum!’ Freya’s voice echoed through the clinical walls. She ran to my mother and wrapped her arms around her neck.

  ‘Hello, my girl!’ Mum grinned widely. ‘You’ve grown since last week!’

  ‘That’s because I’ve been eating all my vegetables,’ said Freya, matter-of-factly. ‘Bill and Nora give me and Lola gold stars if we eat them!’

  ‘Well, aren’t you lucky?’ Mum smiled. ‘Maybe we should do a star chart when I get home. If it helps you to stay healthy, then it’s worth a go!’

  Freya nodded enthusiastically. ‘Perhaps we could do one for you, too. You can have a star for each time you take your tablets.’

  ‘That’s a marvellous idea,’ said Mum. ‘That can be our first activity as soon as I come home.’

  ‘When will you be allowed to come back?’ asked Freya.

  ‘Not long to wait, my darling.’ Mum showed a calendar to Freya. ‘It’s now the second week of December, so we have another week to go. I’ll be home very soon!’

  Freya leaned in close to my mother and looked sneakily in Grandma Coalman’s direction. ‘Does she still have to live with us?’

  Mum leaned in close to Freya. ‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘I’m afraid she does.’

  Freya folded her arms in a huff.

  ‘Everything alright, love?’ Grandma Coalman winked at her.

  ‘Yep,’ Freya replied through gritted teeth. ‘Everything is just perfect.’

  ‘Good.’ Grandma Coalman laughed craftily. ‘We’re going to have such fun when we live together! It’ll be like living in the Big Brother house. I’ll be able to keep an eye on you at all times.’

  Mum and I tried to hide our smiles as Freya sulked dramatically in the corner.

  ‘Freya, shall we go for a hot chocolate, so Emmeline can have some time with your mum?’ asked Mel.

  Freya got up from her chair and ignored us all.

  ‘Come on, Roomey!’ Grandma Coalman teased. ‘I’ll treat you to a packet of sweets in the canteen.’

  They left the room, and Mum walked over to the kettle and filled it with water before switching it on.

  ‘Cup of tea?’ she offered.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  I watched her take out two mugs, standing them next to each other on the unit. She turned around as the kettle boiled.

  ‘Has anything else happened since I last saw you?’ asked Mum.

  ‘Not really,’ I replied.

  ‘You’re lying,’ said Mum.

  How did she know?

  ‘Stacey giving you grief, is she? Have you done anything to sort it out?’ Mum studied me from across the room, and I tried to avoid eye contact.

  What did she mean by that? Did she know that I’d tripped Stacey up? What if she could sense what I did? Was she just waiting for me to confess? Should I confess? Or should I just keep quiet? No, I’ll keep quiet. It’s not lying; it’s just … being selective with the truth.

  She poured water into the mugs and let the teabags settle.

  ‘I haven’t even heard from Stacey Lock. I think she’s got bored of me now,’ I said.

  I hadn’t told her what had happened in the school corridor, because I knew that she would tell me off. She had specifically warned me not to use my gift negatively, and that’s exactly what I’d done.

  ‘Well, something has happened,’ she said. ‘I can feel it. I can sense your guilt.’

  She made her way over to me with the two steaming mugs.

  ‘Guilt?’ I swallowed. ‘I have nothing to feel guilty about.’

  ‘So, what’s bothering you then?’ she asked.

  ‘Nothing, Mum. Just leave it, will you?’

  She rolled her eyes and sat on the chair opposite me. ‘You’re very grumpy today,’ she said. ‘I just want to know what’s going on in my daughter’s life. Is that such a bad thing?’

  ‘No.’ I sighed. ‘I’ve just got a lot on my mind.’

  ‘Like what?’ I could see that she was worried.

  I told her what happened with Karra, and how rotten I’d felt ever since. I told her how Karra had slept in Quinn’s room last night, because she couldn’t stand to look at me after the argument we had. And how Karra had broken my lucky cardigan, and how I’d cried because it was my favourite item of clothing in the world.

  ‘Ed Sheeran touched that cardigan.’ I put my hand over my face, trying to control the wobble in my voice. ‘Karra knew it was special to me, and she wrecked it!’

  ‘I’m sure the cardigan can be fixed.’ Mum patted my back for comfort. ‘Why don’t you bring it to me? I’ll see if I can mend it for you.’

  ‘That’s not the point, Mum!’ I argued. ‘She knew how important my cardigan was to me, and she broke it … on purpose.’

  ‘She may feel the same way about you.’ Mum raised her eyebrows at me.

  I knew what she was getting at. I had betrayed Karra when I embarrassed her in front of everyone by mocking what she’d said about The University. I wished I’d never said it, and I felt really guilty about hurting her feelings like that.

  I looked away from Mum. She was irritating the life out of me with her self-righteous crap. Since when did she become the voice of reason? This was the same woman who was taken into the nuthouse for smashing up the family home! And here she was, eight weeks later, acting like Mary-frigging-Poppins!

  ‘It will all come out in the wash, Em. You’ll see.’ She winked at me. ‘Things like this have a habit of sorting their selves out. You’ll be friends again in no time.’

  She didn’t understand. How could she? She didn’t have a clue what was going on with me in the children’s home.

  ‘So, how are your exercises coming along?’ she asked.

  ‘I haven’t done them,’ I answered.

  ‘Why not?’ She frowned. ‘I told you, it’s important to do them.’

  ‘I haven’t had time. I’ve been studying for my tests.’

  Last time I’d been there, she had given me three exercises to do to help control my energy.

  The first was to ground myself when I was feeling fuzzy-headed or when the ringing sound was distracting me. I put both feet firmly on the floor, and I had to imagine tree roots coming from my feet and going deep into the ground. Apparently, this was where the saying ‘down to earth’ came from. In the olden days, gifted people used to ground themselves so they could stay ‘down-to-earth’ and not get carried away by their abilities.

  The second exercise was for protection. I had to draw an imaginary pink circle around myself each night before I went to sleep. The protective circle would keep me safe from other people’s intrusive thoughts, so I could stay focused.

  It was the third exercise that I struggled with. I had to sit for ten minutes a day and just breathe. I mean, how boring was that? Mum said that it would discipline my mind – whatever that meant.

  ‘Em, you have to do them,’ said Mum. ‘It’s not a game. You can’t just pick and choose when you want to play with your gift.’

  ‘Oh, Mum! Give it a rest!’ I snapped. ‘I don’
t want to do the stupid exercises – they’re boring.’

  Why was she hassling me?

  ‘Well, I’m sorry they’re so boring,’ she replied. ‘But this is a part of who you are, Em. It will always be there, whether you like it or not. You have to learn to control it and work with it. Trust me, I know. If you ignore it, it won’t go away; it will just get stronger and stronger until you acknowledge it. And if you don’t learn to manage it, you could lose control and end up…’ She looked panicked.

  ‘Like you?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, Em.’ Her shoulders slumped. ‘Like me.’

  We sat quietly for a moment.

  ‘You stopped doing your exercises when Dad died,’ I said.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about that,’ replied Mum.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because I don’t!’ She walked over to the cabinet drawer to get her cigarettes. She lit one straight away and rushed over to the window.

  ‘OK, OK.’ I rolled my eyes at her. ‘Keep your knickers on.’

  ‘Never mind,’ she said. ‘It won’t be long now. I’ll be allowed home in another week, and we can all spend Christmas together. You and Freya can move back home with me and Grandma Coalman. Everything will be fine. Everything will be perfect.’

  Was she serious? Surely she wasn’t really expecting me to go home next week? I’d settled into the children’s home now. I had a new room, new friends, and a new routine. She couldn’t just take me away from all that!

  ‘Mum…’ I frowned, but I had to get it over with. ‘I’m not coming home. I’ll have overnight visits, but I’m not moving back properly – I’ve settled nicely into the children’s home. I’ve been there for two months. I like it there.’

  She took a long drag of her cigarette, and kept the smoke in her mouth for what seemed like ages. And then she blew it out slowly, purposefully.

  ‘Freya’s coming home,’ said Mum. ‘She’s moving back home, but she’ll still be staying at Bill and Nora’s house on the weekends.’

  ‘I know,’ I mumbled.

  ‘Then why can’t you do that? Why can’t you just stay at the children’s home on the weekends?’

  ‘Because I don’t want to, Mum.’

  ‘Is it the cleaning?’ she asked. ‘You don’t have to do the cleaning anymore. We’ve got a special lady coming to help me keep up with the housework. She’s going to help me with the shopping and the bills as well!’