Too Late... I Love You

by Archer, Kiki

  From you? Why?

  No…ahhh, long story. Come to mine after playgroup?

  Connie smiled. Okay.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Ryan bustled Connie to the side of the wide doorstep. “I’m not standing behind you like some lost puppy.”

  “You shouldn’t even be here.”

  “I’m carrying Noah and anyway we always do things after playgroup. You’re not dumping me for anyone, no matter how hot,” he raised his eyebrows at the imposing building, “and no matter how excruciatingly rich they are.”

  “I’ll press again. The house is so big she probably hasn’t heard it.”

  Ryan gasped as the grandiose doorbell sounded once more. “Of course she’ll hear it, it’s echoing out here. She’ll be checking her hair, or make up, or… Oh wow.” Ryan’s attention was distracted by the colourful window box to the left of the doorstep. “Are those snapdragons? Look at this, Noah. These flowers actually snap.” He crossed the gravel to the tall window, showing Noah the flowers.

  Connie turned back to the door, breathing deeply to control the nervous energy racing around in her chest. It failed. The door opened and Maria’s beautiful face greeted her. Both women stared, lost in the moment, smiling with relief evident in their eyes. Connie wasn’t sure how long she stood on the step, just looking at the smile, but she knew that Maria was looking too, and she knew that Maria was hugging too, and she knew that they were holding each other, locked in a moment of revelation. They liked each other. They needed each other. They’d stop with the insecure second guessing.

  Ryan coughed. “You’re right, Connie, I shouldn’t have come. Here, take Noah.”

  Maria pulled away from the embrace, noticing Ryan for the first time. “Sorry, no, it’s fine. Hi. How are you? How was Malta? Come in, come in.”

  As Maria turned back into the house Ryan took the opportunity to glare at Connie. “What. The. Actual. Fuck?” he mouthed.

  “What?” mouthed Connie in return, aware that her face was on fire.

  He climbed the steps and walked past her, whispering as he went. “Five minutes ago you didn’t want me here. Now I know why.”

  Connie followed him in, ignoring the comment. “Shoes please, Noah.”

  “Lissssssssssssss!”

  Alice raced across the hallway towards her friend. “NOAH!”

  Ryan watched as the two toddlers jumped up and down in each other’s arms. “They look like you two,” he said to both women.

  Maria glanced at Connie, then back at Ryan. “I…” She paused, then went on hurriedly. “Come in, come in. Can I get you both a drink?”

  Ryan shook his head. “Honestly, I need to get off.” He turned back towards the door. “Connie, I’ll call you.”

  ****

  Two hours had passed since their awkward arrival and Connie and Maria were standing in the doorway of Alice’s bedroom, completely at ease. The soft pink lights were emitting a gentle glow and the dainty mobile hanging from the ceiling turned slowly as it played its lullaby, soothing the children to sleep. Both Alice and Noah were tucked up in the cot bed, cuddled into each other’s arms.

  “I can’t believe they can sleep like this,” whispered Maria.

  “I know. It’s always a struggle to get Noah to nap but he needs it or he’s a real grump in the afternoons.”

  “I thought Alice had stopped napping, but look at her, she’s out for the count.”

  Connie smiled. “It’s all the running around they do. They tire each other out.”

  “The lullaby’s not even finished and they’re already asleep.” Maria dimmed the lights even further. “I think you should bring him round every day.”

  “Would you like me to?” she asked, looking up suspiciously at her friend.

  The warm nod was genuine. “Yes.”

  “You would not.” Connie laughed quietly and looked away.

  Maria waited until Connie turned back to her. “I would.”

  Standing still, Connie felt a rush of emotion overwhelm her. This beautiful woman, with whom she’d somehow managed to strike up a friendship, was looking at her, holding her gaze and smiling with such natural affection. “You’d tire of me very easily,” she finally managed to say.

  The brown hair moved about the slender shoulders as Maria shook her head. “I wouldn’t. I love having you here.”

  Connie felt the charge of electricity course over her skin. The intense eyes were looking right at her and the beautiful body was just inches away from her own, open and unguarded. She reached out with her hand, connecting with Maria’s waist. The tension was real. She stepped forward but suddenly froze as she realised what she was doing. She let her hand drop, forcing herself out of the doorway and back into the brighter light of the landing, cursing her own stupid crush. “Shall we… Shall we have that coffee now?”

  “Wait.” Maria grabbed Connie’s hand and pulled her back into the soft light. “What were you going to do?”

  Breaking the contact, Connie spoke to the floor. “Nothing, sorry, I think I’m a bit tired too. That lullaby’s made me drowsy.”

  Maria stayed in the shadows and smiled. “We could always go for a lie down as well?”

  Connie’s laugh was nervous. “Ummm, now I know you’re not being serious.”

  “Actually I…” Maria paused before shrugging her shoulders and joining her on the landing. “You’re right. Coffee sounds great. Follow me.” She led the way quickly to the curved wooden stairs, stopping once to look back at her friend. “We almost had a moment then.”

  Connie blushed as Maria’s stationary presence forced her to stand still. “What do you mean?”

  “You never touch me. You’re not a touchy feely person,” she smiled, “but you touched me.”

  “No I… Oh I don’t know. It was just sweet seeing the kids sleeping like that.”

  “Is that what it was?”

  Connie shifted awkwardly. “Or maybe I’m just trying to loosen up around you.”

  “Well I like that better.”

  “Or maybe I feel a bit drawn to you.”

  Maria’s lips turned at the corners. “Really?”

  “I’m talking because I’m nervous. Stop making me nervous. Stop making me talk.”

  “I’m not doing anything!” Maria laughed. “I’m just saying that it’s okay to have contact between us. In my world it’s normal.”

  “The lesbian world?”

  “No. The normal world. The world where humans interact with emotion. The world where humans aren’t guarded.”

  Connie linked her hand through Maria’s arm. “The coffee’s this way, isn’t it?”

  “We have progress! You linked my arm. Look at you being brave. The world didn’t end. Progress, I tell you!”

  Connie stopped and dropped Maria’s arm. “But progress to what? Where do you want me to get to?”

  “Just go with the flow. Stop missing moments.” Maria locked their arms back together and started once more down the wide stairs. “Let our friendship evolve on its own.”

  “Says you who decided not to call me.”

  “Right. Coffee, chat, cards on the table. You’ve spent all morning choosing to play with the kids instead of setting things straight.”

  “I just love Hungry Hippos, that’s all.”

  “As if!” They reached the ground floor simultaneously and Maria guided them through the farmhouse style door to the kitchen and finally loosened her grip. She pointed Connie in the direction of the long table and bench seats while she pressed buttons on the coffee machine and took some almond biscuits from a tin. “And ponies? You just had to join in with that game too, did you?” she added.

  “I couldn’t have Noah climbing on Alice’s back like that. They needed me.”

  “Well they’re asleep now, so let’s start at the beginning. But let’s sit in the snug and I’ll bring your coffee over.”

  Connie headed for the small, chocolate brown corduroy sofa that occupied the big bay window. The sun was st
reaming in and the cushions were warm. She sat and watched Maria as she worked. “Anyone would think you’re a barista.”

  “Sprinkles on your mocha?”

  “Always,” she said, smiling. Looking around at the pots and pans hanging above the large wooden island counter, she couldn’t help but compliment her surroundings once more. “Your kitchen’s so lovely. It’s the type of thing you expect to see in an old farmhouse, not a townhouse in the centre of London.”

  “I renovated when I moved in.”

  “You designed this yourself?”

  “No, I pointed at it in a brochure.” She moved around the island and handed over a mug of fragrant coffee before sitting next to Connie in the sun. “Well this is cosy. Where do you think we should start?”

  “You told me to let things flow, and they’re flowing, so tell me about this house. Did you have someone else pointing at things in a brochure with you?”

  Pulling one of her legs under her, Maria angled her body towards Connie’s, enjoying the warm rays on her face. “Your real question is: Have I lived here with anyone else before?”

  “Have you?”

  “No.”

  “You’ve had serious girlfriends though?”

  Maria lifted her mug and smiled. “I think you ask me lots of questions because you don’t want to talk about you. Is that what you did last Friday?”

  Connie looked over Maria’s shoulder out the window at the same snapdragons that Ryan had been admiring earlier. “Okay, let’s make a deal.” She turned back to Maria. “We’re friends who answer first time. We reply honestly, clearly, succinctly and we don’t worry about what we say.”

  Maria laughed. “Do you think you can do that?”

  “Yes. Do you?”

  “Yes.”

  Connie smiled. “Well that’s a good start then. So, tell me about your lovers.”

  The brown eyes glinted. “Lovers or girlfriends?”

  “There’s a difference?”

  “Oh yes, huge, and I love how that’s your first question.”

  “See, I’m going to bore you in no time. I have no juicy stories at all.”

  Maria nodded. “Okay so my first question to you is this: Do you have low self-esteem?”

  “I thought this was meant to be enjoyable? And I asked you first.”

  “Clear, succinct, honest answers. I ask you because you’re always putting yourself down. You’ve said you’ll bore me and I keep saying you won’t.”

  “Okay then, no. I don’t think I have low self-esteem. I think I just get nervous around you and I start to question myself, that’s all.”

  “Why?”

  Connie blew carefully on her mocha. “We’ve been through this. Mismatched people, different walks of life.”

  “And we’ve been through the jigsaw chat as well, so let’s move on. We’re friends. We fit. No need to question the other.”

  Connie smiled. “Agreed. I like that. So lovers first, then let’s move on to girlfriends.”

  “Steady on, we’re only having coffee.”

  “Oh stop it,” Connie laughed.

  “Why? You like me flirting.”

  “Maybe I do.”

  Maria nodded. “Official question: Do you like me flirting with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Right.” Maria sipped her drink. “Glad that’s decided then.”

  Connie looked carefully at the beautifully intriguing woman sitting opposite her. “Are you avoiding the girlfriend chat?”

  Shaking her head Maria exhaled her indifference. “Honestly it’s not that interesting. I’ve had three long term girlfriends. I loved them all. But none of them ever loved me quite enough.”

  “Oh no, that can’t be true.”

  “Were you going to reach out and touch my leg then?”

  “No!” Connie laughed. “Well, maybe… But only because I felt sorry for you.”

  “Don’t, it’s fine. They were all good relationships, but I always wanted children. When it came to that point they all shied away. I can make it more heart breaking if it means you’ll touch my leg.”

  “They can’t all have been like that?”

  Maria moved her hair away from her face, making the most of the sun streaming through the window. She nodded slowly as if coming to a decision. “I came to the conclusion that it was better to raise a child with one parent who truly loved them and wanted them, than two who were doing it half-heartedly, or forced into it.”

  “Do you know the dad?”

  “Alice hasn’t got a dad. She’s got a donor.”

  “Oh right, sorry.”

  “It’s fine, it’s just important to get the language right. Yes, if the man who donated his seed lived with us then he would be called her dad, but he doesn’t, so he’s called the donor.”

  “Seed?”

  Maria laughed. “Sorry. It’s how I tell it to Alice. You need the seed of a man and the egg of a woman to make a baby, so Mummy asked the baby doctor to find a kind man who would donate his seed. The doctor put the seed in Mummy’s tummy, it met Mummy’s egg and grew into you.”

  “You tell her that already?”

  “You have to. Children are clever. They need to be empowered by knowledge. Alice needs to know. It’s obvious that her family’s different to others, and if I ever get another partner then it will become even more obvious. I want her to feel happy in her normal.”

  “She is.”

  Maria smiled. “Exactly.”

  “Does she ever ask about the donor?”

  “Not really, but I make sure I talk about him. We have pictures from when he was a baby and so much of his family history.”

  “You have pictures?”

  “Yes, that’s where she gets her blonde hair from. He’s a physiotherapist who enjoys nature and science.” Maria laughed. “But he could have just made that up to make himself sound more appealing.”

  “What’s he called?”

  She shook her head. “We don’t know, but he’s identity release, which means Alice can contact him when she gets to eighteen if she wants to.”

  “Do you think she will?”

  “Who knows, but she’s not been adopted, her father’s not abandoned her, she’s got me and I’m her family and I hope she grows up secure in that knowledge.”

  This time Connie did reach out to squeeze Maria’s leg. “She will. She is. You’re an incredible parent, Maria, and she’s wanted; that’s all any child really needs.”

  Maria smiled. “And lashings and lashings of love.”

  “Don’t we all want that?”

  “Do you?”

  Connie paused. “Actually no, I don’t think I do. I think I’m quite independent.”

  “I agree. Behind that look at me sitting all delicately in the sunshine with my blonde hair cascading around my shoulders waiting for my prince charming to come and rescue me from this bay window look, you are.”

  “I’m a tough little cookie, you know.”

  “I know.”

  Connie smiled at the connection, enjoying the moment for what it was, two friends making the most of a rare break in their days. “Soooo,” she said finally, “what’s next? Shall we make it something lighter? Shall we talk about your lovers instead? How was your date?”

  Dropping both feet to the floor Maria sat upright. “Right, well unfortunately that’s not going to be lighter either.”

  Connie frowned.

  “I’m not quite sure how it happened, but she knew you. My date. That’s why I didn’t contact you.”

  “What?”

  Maria got up and placed her mug on the wooden island before returning to the sofa and angling her body even closer to Connie’s. “She told me about your problems with Karl. I’d spent the whole day with you and you’d not mentioned it once. I questioned our friendship and thought it best to give you some space.”

  “Who the hell was it?” asked Connie, pushing back against the arm of the sofa.

  “Louise.”

  “Lo
uise? As in Louise Killshaw? Karl’s business partner? All tits and teeth?”

  “I think so.”

  “She’s gay?”

  Maria took the wobbling mug from Connie’s hands and pulled herself back off the sofa placing it down next to her own on the island.

  “She’s gay?” asked Connie again.

  “Bisexual I think.”

  “Oh great! Wonderful! I spent my life worrying about Karl and Louise and now I’ll do the same worrying about you!” She drew her knees into her chest and looked out of the window. “Bisexual? Of course she’s bisexual. She’s one of those women who has to have it all. So she knows everything about Karl and I and she’s talking to total strangers about us? Brilliant.”

  “She didn’t know I knew you.”

  “That makes it even worse! What was she saying?”

  “Look at me. I’ll talk you through it. And what do you mean you’ll be worrying about me?”

  “No, I…” Connie sighed and slowly swivelled back around to look directly at Maria. “She’s… I’m sorry. It’s not you. She’s just always been there, in the background. I always knew Karl wanted her more than he wanted me.”

  “But she doesn’t want him.”

  Connie lifted her eyes to Maria’s. “Because she wants you?”

  “No.”

  “Are you seeing each other?”

  “No.”

  “Might you start seeing each other?”

  “No! She messaged me, but I’ve not replied. She wasn’t the tiniest bit interested in Alice so I’m not interested in her.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yes! Why is this suddenly about me?”

  Connie shook herself. “Sorry I’m… I’m sorry. She’s just one of those people who’s always there, lurking around with her big tits and big teeth.”

  “She had bad breath.”

  Connie gasped. “She did not!”

  “Well no, but I thought it would make you feel better.” Maria tried to get comfy on the sofa but Connie was sitting so upright that it was making it difficult.

  “That’s worse. Now I know she doesn’t have bad breath. Did you almost kiss her? Is that how you know she smells great?”

  “Guess what, my answer’s no! Why are you focusing on the irrelevant things? Why aren’t you talking about Karl? Louise said he’d been thinking about leaving, but then said he’d decided to stay and make things work. I’m pleased for you, Connie. It’s good if he’s going to try harder.”