Filthy Dirty Fate

by Grace Morgan

  I hesitate. I can write a story about Second Circle without mentioning Hope. It won’t be the story I set out to report, but I could twist it until it works. “I won’t say a word about Hope,” I say, immediately wondering if I’m lying to both of us.

  The thought that I might be makes me feel hideous. I press the side of my face against the seat as Carter gets the car moving again. My stomach roils. A month ago I never would have thought that betraying the trust of a sex club owner could be the wrong thing, but now it feels like the worst thing I could possibly do.

  Hope looked so scared. I couldn’t possibly be awful enough to write about her. Could I?

  “Don’t take me back to Second Circle,” I say. My head is too knotted up to see Burke again. I can’t face anyone at the club right now. “I need to go to my apartment and think for a little while.”

  “For how long?” Carter asks. The kindness in his voice has been replaced by tightly leashed anger. I really struck a nerve when I mentioned writing about Hope. He’s so protective of her, I’m envious. I wish Burke felt that way about me. I shake the thought off.

  “I don’t know how long. I just need time alone. Tell Burke I’m sorry.”

  “Your thirty days aren’t up yet. Won’t this mean going back on your bargain?”

  “Oh, what’s he going to do? Sue me?” A deal that involved trading sex for information was hardly going to hold up in court. I’m too exhausted from the emotional pummeling I’ve had today to care about how angry Burke will be. Besides, if I see his face my resolve might crumble. My ability to think is questionable at best when I’m around him. And I need to think.

  Carter shrugs with one shoulder. “I’ll take you there. I can’t make your decisions for you. But I can tell you I think you’re making the wrong one.”

  “I need time to think. Rushing this would be worse than any other decision.” I sound more confident than I really am. I worry that I’m making the wrong decision, but I don’t know what the right one is. Flinging myself back into Burke’s arms and telling him how much I care about him? Running in the opposite direction as fast as my feet will carry me?

  My heart wants me to stay, but my fear is screaming run too loudly to be ignored.

  “Burke cares about you, even if he isn’t very good at showing it,” Carter says.

  “It isn’t that I don’t think he cares. It’s that I’m not sure he’s good for me.” Nothing as intense as what I have with Burke seems like it could possibly be good for me.

  Burke is dangerous to my heart—and maybe more. I need to decide if that danger is something I can live with, or if it’ll leave me just like Hope. Hiding and alone.

  Chapter Three

  Lola

  My apartment is too hot. I forgot I set the thermostat high so that the air conditioner wouldn’t be working too hard while I was gone. God, it’s like an oven in here. Or maybe I’m in Dante’s inferno … I adjust it back down and fan myself with a newspaper I grab from the pile beside my door as I wait for the place to cool.

  Surveying the small space, I note the orchids I had on the windowsill died while I was gone. It was optimistic of me to have bought them in the first place. I’ve never been good with plants. I forgot this one was even here. If I’d remembered I would have asked my friend Lainey to water it.

  Lainey. I don’t even remember the last time I talked to her. I used to attend yoga with her every week, but the only yoga I’ve been doing lately has been the kind I’ve done in bed.

  I snort at my own stupid joke. The club is rubbing off on me.

  I open my fridge and find it empty. I’d almost forgotten I live off take out food. I never have to worry about things like that when I’m with Burke.

  I dial Lainey’s number on my cell phone. She picks up on the second ring.

  “Lola! Where the hell have you been? You never called to tell me how your sex dinner went.”

  “It wasn’t—. Okay, we did have sex, but that’s not what I’m calling you about.”

  Lainey’s squeal nearly ruptures my eardrum. “You’re so lucky! I wish I had a hunk like yours. Is anyone at that club of yours available?”

  “It isn’t my club. I’m back at my apartment.” I bite my lip as I wait for her reply.

  “Back? I thought you were there until the end of the week.”

  “I changed my mind. Want to meet up somewhere we can get some food and a couple of drinks?”

  Lainey’s pause is heavy with meaning. She thinks I’ve blown it. She was always more focused on the exciting aspects of my deal with Burke instead of the dangerous part. “Sure. Drinks. I’ll meet you at the bar downstairs.”

  There’s a bar right beside the ground level of my apartment. Lainey lives close enough by that it’s a common meeting spot for us. Cheap drinks, low lightning, and always a couple of open barstools. It’s nothing fancy, but it does the job.

  I hang up the phone and grab my purse. I’m not ready for Lainey to grill me about my relationship with Burke, but it sounds better than being alone in a hot, empty apartment.

  I wish Burke were here. It’s ridiculous that I miss him already. Further evidence of how bad he is for me.

  I make it down to the bar and find Lainey already there waiting for me. She waves me over to a stool at the bar. I order a drink and a burger then avoid making eye contact with her while I wait.

  “What happened to Burke?” she asks. “Last time I talked to you, you were so crazy about him you tried to cook.”

  “Yeah, learned my lesson on that one. But my cooking isn’t what we ended up fighting over.”

  “You had a fight?”

  Did we? I feel like I fought with Burke, but I’m not sure I did. I rack my brain for the memories of the last time I’d seen him. We had sex. He asked me not to leave, but I’d done it anyway. It wasn’t like we screamed at each other. It didn’t feel like a fight at the time. I only feel like I’d fought with Burke now because I’ve been fighting with him in my head all day.

  “I don’t know that I’d call it a fight. More like I changed my mind. I was thinking of staying after the deal was up, but then I realized how bad he is for me.”

  “Bad for you?” Lainey frowns. “How is he bad for you? You’ve been so happy every time I’ve talked to you about him I’ve hardly recognized you.”

  I open my mouth, then close it. I didn’t know that. Do I really sound that happy when I talk about Burke? I think about the way he makes me feel—like I’m so full of emotion I can’t contain it all.

  Our order is dropped off in front of us. I pick at my burger restlessly. My appetite is overwhelmed by questions.

  “He’s dangerous,” I say.

  “Dangerous how?” Lainey sips her margarita.

  I shrug and swallow a bite of burger. “I can’t talk about it.” I can’t go blabbing Hope’s secrets to Lainey. I trust Lainey, but it isn’t my story to tell. Besides, I don’t even know most of it. Why did Hope need to run away? Whose baby is she carrying?

  “So you’re going to throw away a good relationship over some mysterious danger that you can’t talk about? What, does he keep his ex-wife locked in his attic?”

  “No.” I shake my head and smile. Trust Lainey to say something ridiculous that makes me feel better. “He also doesn’t wander the moors crying out for his lost love. This isn’t storybook danger, it’s … I feel like people are scared of him.”

  “Hmm. That seems like a logical basis for a big decision,” Lainey says, her tone wry.

  I glare at her and finish off my burger. I may not be able to explain the situation with Hope to her, but I know exactly how she’d respond if I could. She’d tell me that I’m jumping to conclusions and being crazy. She’d tell me that if this thing with Burke feels right then I should trust it and see where it goes. Lainey always has been the jump-in-with-both-feet-first-and-ask-questions-later sort, but I’m not like that. I need answers. I don’t know how to let go of questions once they’ve grabbed hold in my brain. It’s what makes me
a good reporter and a terrible girlfriend.

  I don’t know that Burke even still wants me. The vodka cranberry I’m drinking is making me feel worse instead of better. I push it away.

  “I should go home.”

  “You should talk to Burke,” Lainey says.

  I shake my head. “I need to think before I talk to him.”

  “You’ll think yourself in circles if you’re not careful. Stop worrying. Do something crazy. Didn’t your crazy decision to make this deal in the first place work out well?”

  “I did get some pretty good sex out of it,” I joke. No matter what happens next, I’ll always have my memories of the good times I’ve had with Burke. The thought of our explosive chemistry will be enough to keep me warm for years. I push back from the bar. “I’ll think about it.”

  Lainey sighs dramatically and rolls her eyes. “Of course you will.”

  I’m feeling better as I go back to my apartment, but my heart still has an empty ache in it. I wish I were going home to Burke. I want to see that smoldering smile of his and kiss his lips. I want to feel his fingers in my hair, pulling me closer until I give in because I can’t even think about resisting him anymore.

  I get back to my apartment and lock the door behind me, then get out my laptop. There’s an email waiting for me from the newspaper. The thirty-day time line is nearly up and they want a story.

  I chew my fingernail. If I write about Hope, I’ll betray her trust. If I say something bad about Second Circle, I’ll betray Burke. But they’ll never accept a story gushing about Second Circle. They want scandal and murder.

  I want Burke. I close my laptop and press my forehead against my cool glass table. I don’t want to miss him this much, but I can’t seem to stop myself.

  My body longs to be held by his. If he were here right now, he would stroke my hair and tell me everything was going to be okay. If he were here right now, he wouldn’t need to comfort me because everything would be okay.

  I snort out a laugh at myself. I’m pathetic.

  I grab a notebook and pen and try to come up with something for my story. I write down Hope then scratch it out. I write Burke’s name slowly, paying loving attention to every letter. Then I strike so many lines through it I can’t make out the letters anymore.

  I never imagined this job would be so difficult. I wanted to find Hope. I thought I was doing something good. I hate how confused I am. I want the world to be clearer. I want Burke.

  I growl at myself and jump to my feet to pace the empty room. I’ve never noticed how little furniture I have before. A couch, a kitchen table, a couple chairs. A twin bed in the bedroom. There’s nothing in this apartment that says anything about me. I’m always traveling to chase stories and working over-time. This apartment is little more than a place to crash while I’m in town.

  Second Circle felt more like home in three weeks than this place has in three years. I could walk away from this apartment in a second, but walking away from Second Circle is tearing my heart out.

  I wonder if that’s my answer. But if I go back and it ends up being the wrong decision, it’ll only hurt that much more. It would be easier not to go back. I can’t take any more heartbreak.

  The problem is, I’m pretty sure it’s too late to avoid it. My heart is smashed open on the floor and there’s not enough duct tape in the world to put it back together again.

  Chapter Four

  Burke

  I’ve never waited by a phone in my life, but I’m waiting now. I check the screen every few minutes and feel a little worse when it tells me she hasn’t called.

  I keep questioning what happened this morning. Was I too angry with her? I was afraid for her when she said Carter knew something about Hope and then ran off with him. I didn’t know what to think about my best friend who, by the sounds of it, has hidden something from me.

  He came back to tell me she’d decided to go back to her own place, and she was sorry for breaking the deal.

  Sorry. All the time we’d spent together, and she couldn’t even tell me goodbye herself. I had to hear it from Carter.

  I drink, pace my apartment, and swear. None of it brings her back. I don’t know how to bring her back.

  It can’t be a coincidence that Carter let slip that I wanted her to stay right before she bolted. She doesn’t feel the same way. This was never more than a deal and a story to her.

  I don’t even know if she got the information she was looking for. Carter won’t tell me. I’ve never known my best friend to keep secrets from me, but now I know he’s hiding something. He probably thinks it’s for my own good. Maybe claiming there was a lead on Hope at all was just a ruse for Lola to leave.

  I have to stop driving myself crazy like this, but I can’t stop my thoughts from chasing themselves. Lola doesn’t want me. Lola left me. I never got a chance to convince her to stay.

  The buzzer to my apartment goes off. “Burke?” Carter says through the intercom.

  I want to ignore him, but it might be important. I can’t let club business slide over this, even if I can’t bring myself to care like I should.

  I press the talk button. “What is it?”

  “Let me up. I need to talk to you.”

  I buzz him in. We don’t have keys to each other’s apartments. It was a privacy decision we made when we first moved in to the club. If we were going to run a business together and live in the same building, we were going to see enough of each other that trampling through the other one’s space didn’t seem necessary.

  The door to my apartment opens, but Carter hesitates before he walks in. “You look like hell,” he says.

  “Thanks.” I set the glass of whiskey I’m holding down on a side table. There’s a box of things I bought for Lola on the couch. It’s mostly clothes with a few toiletries. If Lola isn’t coming back, I don’t want any reminders. I nod at it. “Can you take that back with you when you leave?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Carter walks over to the box and looks through it. “Do you want me to take this over to Lola, or donate it?”

  I can’t stand the thought of someone else using Lola’s things. “Take it to her. It’s not you she’s avoiding.”

  “She’s not avoiding you. She just said she needed time to think.”

  “Right. Because once she thinks it through she’s going to choose the guy who got her into kinky sex and sent her running for the door.”

  I don’t say it, but I know there’s more. Lola’s interests would be compromised if she stays with me. She wouldn’t be able to write the Second Circle story that is supposed to save her job, and I can’t even begin to contemplate the heat a journalist would get over dating a sex club owner. It would be career suicide for her.

  She’s not coming back. I lost her, and she took my heart along with her.

  “You’re not giving her enough credit,” Carter says. “I don’t think you realize how deep her feelings are for you. She was really broken up about taking off.”

  “But she did take off. I need to be realistic if I’m going to get through this. Lola isn’t coming back. She’s better off without me.”

  “She isn’t better off.” Carter crosses his arms. “You’re crazy about each other. How could either one of you be better off?”

  “I’ll fuck up her career. Who is going to respect a reporter who dates a guy who owns a sex club?”

  “Them fuck ‘em. If Lola is willing to take the risk, are you going to tell her no?”

  I’m staggered. Carter is making this sound so obvious, but I know it isn’t. Lola has gone above and beyond get this story and keep the job she has. Although, I’m certain there was a lot more to her tenacity than just saving her job. She was emphatic about not being willing to give up looking for Hope because she was convinced Hope deserved to be searched for. Because she thought everyone deserved to have someone searching for them.

  I’ve never thought of myself as someone who deserves a search party. I’ve happily made choices that have put me in the
bad graces of damn near everyone. I’d reveled in my bad reputation. I knew that if I disappeared, most people would say I deserved whatever had happened to me.

  But Lola would search for me. She wouldn’t give up on me, no matter what got in her way.

  Except Lola walked out and isn’t coming back. I have to stop forgetting that pertinent detail.

  “She left, Carter. It’s over. Let it go.” Because I need to start letting her go, I tell myself silently.

  I turn away from him to pour myself another drink, but I can tell from his glare and the heavy silence that he doesn’t agree.

  “Don’t be an idiot. All you two need to do is talk.”

  Carter flops down on my couch. I sigh and sit in the chair across from him. “She doesn’t want to talk to me. Why can’t you let this go?”

  “Because you’re miserable, and she’s miserable. You’re my friends. I can’t leave you like this.”

  “She’s miserable?” I don’t want to feel hope at the words. I want Lola to be happy. But I also want her to come back. I need to stop letting Carter put these ideas into my head. Next I’ll be getting my hopes up only to be crushed further when Lola continues on with her life in perfect happiness.

  “Of course she’s miserable. She loves you. She just doesn’t want to admit it. Take the box over to her and talk. You’re drawing this out for no fucking reason.”

  “I’m not taking the box over.” I lean back in my chair and try to force a smile onto my face. It feels awkward and wrong. “I’m fine. I’m not in love with Lola.” The words feel like such a lie that I wonder how I fell in love without even noticing. I don’t want to be in love with Lola. I want her to be one more fling I can set aside with no hard feelings from either of us. That’s who I am. That’s why I’m half owner of a sex club. I don’t do falling in love.

  But I guess I do, because I’m in love with Lola. I can deny it to Carter, but I can’t ignore what’s been obvious in my head for days any longer. I want her to stay because I’m crazy about her. The problem is, she already left. I have no more excuses to keep her near me, no thirty day deal and information bargaining chips. All I have is the truth, and if I give her that I’ll open myself up to pain so unbearable I don’t know if I’m capable of living through it.