Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  “And it’s the best two hours I’ve spent in a long time.” I grinned up at him. “And I wouldn’t mind—” My cell phone went off, interrupting my next thought. “Oh, can you—” I pointed to my phone on the bedside table. He reached over and grabbed it, handing it to me. “Thank you,” I mouthed as I took the call. “Hello?”

  “May I speak with Mrs. Barrett?”

  “Speaking.”

  “This is Mrs. Walker, Maddie’s principal?”

  I stiffened as my hand gripped the phone. It didn’t matter where I hid. Reality had a way of finding me. “What has she done now?”

  “Well, actually that’s the problem. She hasn’t done anything. She wasn’t in school today, and while I realize the past few months have been difficult for her, she’s still failing two classes, and I’m concerned there won’t be time for her to catch up if she doesn’t buckle down and get to business. Now, we do offer after-school tutoring and extra credit. I know her teachers are more than willing to work with her, but I’m afraid Maddie just doesn’t realize or care how dire her situation is.”

  “She didn’t go to school?” I sat up, throwing my legs over the side of the bed, so my back was to Ben. For two hours, I’d almost forgotten I wasn’t Alex, the single girl, rolling around in bed with the sexy doctor. I was Alex the grieving widow with a teenager to raise, and I didn’t have the luxury of taking time off. “I don’t know what to say… that’s a lot to take in at this moment. We had an argument this morning, but I was sure she’d gone to school.”

  “Am I catching you at a bad time?”

  I bit my lip to keep from crying. I’d forgotten about Maddie… and David for the better part of the day, and that truth cut like a razor. “No… it’s not a bad time.” Ben sighed, and I reached to pull the sheet around me.

  “Mrs. Barrett? Is everything all right? I’m sorry if I’ve made you cry… I know you’ve been going through a difficult time yourself.”

  What did she know about difficult times? “No… no, I’m fine. You just caught me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. Certainly not with this kind of news. I’ll speak with Maddie as soon as I get home.”

  “Good. I’ll look forward to hearing back from you then. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

  Ben whispered, “Are you okay?”

  I cleared my throat, blinking back the sting of tears, and nodded. “Thank you.” I disconnected the call and stared at the phone in my hand.

  “Hey, you’re not okay.” He spun me around, pulling the phone from my hand and dropping it on the floor. “You look like you’re about thirty seconds from a complete meltdown.”

  “Did you hear what she said? Maddie ditched school again, and she’s failing her classes. I need to get home and deal with this. David would never forgive me for… any of this.”

  “Wouldn’t he want you to live your life?”

  “I have no idea what he’d want anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I only know what’s expected of me. And that has everything to do with taking care of his daughter and nothing to do with me.” I stood up, tucking the sheet around me, and grabbed my clothes. “I need to go.”

  To his credit, Ben did nothing to stop me.

  Chapter 19

  Maddie

  She shouldn’t have waited a month to tell me. She should have told me the minute it happened. I’d just gotten used to the idea of a baby, and now it was gone. I walked the two miles to my mom’s house, replaying the argument I’d had with Alex. How could she have kept something like that from me? That baby would have been my little brother or sister. I guess there’s nothing tying us together anymore.

  My key got stuck in the door, and I had to wiggle it to get the lock to turn. Mom had promised to get me a new one, but she never had the chance. God, I missed her. I dumped my bag, coat, and shoes by the door then headed down the hall. My breath hung in the stale air like miniature clouds, and I shivered from the cold. I hadn’t been there in weeks. Alex had switched the mail and turned the heat up just enough to keep the pipes from freezing. The cable, internet, and house phone had been shut off, but the power still worked. The fridge was empty, but I knew where I could find something to drink.

  Standing at the top of the steps leading to the basement reminded me of the conversation I’d had with Alex just hours ago. Conversation? More like shout-a-thon. I couldn’t believe her. She’d lied to me. Kept secrets from me. And then expected me to confide my darkest secrets to her? Right. Bitch had a screw loose.

  I descended the creaking wooden steps to where my mom kept her stash of wine. At the bottom, I pulled the chain for the single bulb that hung from the ceiling and stared at the fifteen or twenty bottles on a rack across from me.

  I looked at several of the labels and finally decided to take the one that read… Sarah and David Barrett, August 20, 1996. Their wedding day. I wondered why they’d never opened it. Maybe they were waiting for an anniversary that never came. And never would.

  “I might as well celebrate for them,” I said to the cold, dank room.

  Tucking the bottle in the crook of my arm, I turned the basement light off and scurried up the steps to the warmer main level. I opened the wine then grabbed the single joint Brody had shoved in my coat pocket and headed down the hall to my mom’s room. She’d kept a lighter in her top drawer. She always said she’d know where to find it if the power went out, but I knew she snuck a cigarette every once in a while. I placed the bottle on the nightstand and lay on her bed. It’d been weeks since she’d slept there, but I could still smell her floral perfume on the pillow.

  “Mommy.” I hugged the pillow tighter then let go and lit my joint just before taking a swig of the wine straight from the bottle. Why bother with a glass?

  What the hell is that buzzing? I looked around for the source of the annoying noise and vibration that were disturbing my perfectly nice high. There it is again. What is that? I moved my hand under the pillow I was holding then pulled it back out. Oh! Ha! My phone.

  There were two texts, one from Haleigh asking if I was okay, and one from Brody asking if I was having fun. In other words, was I enjoying his gift? But there was no text from Grey, which kind of stung a little. I told myself he’d had his phone confiscated in Mr. Well’s class again, but I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move.

  With as woozy as my head was, I had to really concentrate to type all the letters correctly.

  Me: I’m sorry.

  Then I waited for what seemed like a million hours until Grey texted me back.

  Grey: 4 what?

  Me: Idk

  Grey: Then why r u apologizing?

  Me: Idk, I’m kind of wasted right now and I prob shouldn’t have told you that.

  Grey: Where r u? Did u skip?

  Me: Yeah I’m at Mom’s.

  Grey: What do u mean u r wasted? Alex let u get wasted?

  Me: Hella no. I said I was at my mom’s house, with her hidden stash of grapes.

  My eyes crossed as I read the next reply. Stay put! I’m on my way.

  Me: Thought you were at school.

  My stomach fluttered at the thought of Grey coming to get me. I needed to check myself in a mirror. Maybe brush my teeth… touch up my makeup. I pulled myself off the bed and staggered to the bathroom.

  “Oh, my God,” I giggled. Smudged mascara under my eyes made me look like a rabid raccoon. I wiped the streaks away until I looked halfway decent then brushed my teeth using a leftover tube of toothpaste and my finger.

  Once I was confident my breath smelled okay, I stumbled my way back to Mom’s room and cracked open the window so the house wouldn’t reek of pot. Then I grabbed the half-empty bottle of wine and took it to the kitchen.

  “What the hell, Maddie?” Grey’s voice startled me,
and I nearly dropped the bottle.

  “What do you mean, what the hell, Maddie? What the hell, Grey?” I slipped on the polished floor and almost fell, but Grey grabbed me around the waist, pulling the bottle from my hand. My heart fluttered as his body pressed against mine, and for a moment, I remembered I was excited to see him.

  “Aren’t ballerinas supposed to be graceful?”

  “Don’t call me that. I don’t dance anymore. How’d you even get in here?”

  “You left the damn door open.” His jaw flexed so hard I worried it might shatter. “You’re lucky it was me and not some nutjob coming in to rape you or something.”

  I pushed away from him. “In Ed Lakna? Really? The only crime around here is Mrs. Walker’s fashion sense. I half expect to see a pile of skinned Dalmatians in the school parking lot.”

  He held up the bottle. “Did you drink this by yourself?”

  I burst into a fit of giggles. “Do you see anyone else here? Oh wait… I forgot, my buddy Mary Jane had a glass.”

  Grey’s face scrunched up. “Who the hell is Mary Jane?”

  “She’s my fairy pot-mother.”

  “Jesus, Maddie, you were smoking weed too? You know what? I’m done. I can’t believe I ditched swim practice for this. I thought you wanted to get better… to be better. I warned you about Brody. Hell, after what he did, you still went back to him? I thought… damn it… I even asked you out! I should have known when you avoided answering me and ran off. Fuck! Why do I always fall for the troubled ones? Why can’t I just once fall for a sweet girl who likes me back? Just fucking once!”

  “What? What do you mean I avoided answering you? I said all right. That’s yes, in case you didn’t know. And for your information, if I hadn’t run off to English, she would have docked my grade again, and you of all people should know I can’t afford to lose any points in that class. And as for Brody? I want nothing to do with him. He stuck that joint in my pocket while I was trying to figure out why you were being so pissy. And for the record, I never once asked you to ditch swim practice for me. God, why are boys so stupid?”

  “Because they’re always thinking with their—” Even with my head spinning and Grey’s presence further clouding my thought processes, I recognized her California girl accent.

  “Alex!” I gasped.

  Chapter 20

  Alex

  “W-what are you doing here?” Maddie stumbled away from the boy and gaped at me. This wasn’t the same bubbly girl who’d helped me put boxes in the basement, just hours earlier. Unfortunately, I recognized the deathly pale train wreck in front of me. I’d seen her several times already. Jesus, what would David say?

  “I should be asking you the same thing. What the hell are you doing here? Besides drinking and”—I sniffed the air. “Is that pot I smell… again?”

  “Ma’am, I know—”

  I cut the boy off before he could start in on his lies. I could see how he’d charmed Maddie, and God knew I’d seen his kind before. The kid belonged in a pair of Calvins on a giant LA billboard, not the after-school special my life had become. But since he’d invited himself into my nightmare, he might as well get the full experience. “I don’t think you do know… anything for that matter. What are you doing here? You do realize Maddie is under age, don’t you? I should have you arrested for corrupting a minor.”

  “Oh my God!” Maddie stumbled in front of the boy, tucking him behind her. “Grey didn’t do anything wrong. And for your information, he’s a minor too!”

  “No, Maddie. It’s okay.” He stepped around her to face me again. “I know this looks bad, but it’s not what you th—”

  “Oh, I’m sure it’s exactly what I think.” I looked at the bottle in his hand then to my clearly inebriated stepdaughter as I caught another whiff of marijuana.

  Maddie rolled her eyes at me. “You just managed to show up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Big surprise.”

  “I’m pretty sure I showed up at precisely the right time.” I turned to address the boy again. “I think you need to go, and be thankful I’m not calling your parents.”

  “I understand, thank you, ma’am.” He set the bottle on the counter then turned to Maddie. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Don’t count it,” I mumbled as he hurried out the door and closed it behind him.

  “God, Alex.” Maddie slumped against the counter. “You didn’t have to be such a bitch to him. I told you he didn’t do anything. He just came to check on me.”

  “Yeah, right… to check on you. You mean to check you out? You’re so gullible. Do you have any idea what a teenage boy could do while you’re in a compromised state?”

  “He wasn’t going to do anything. Grey isn’t like that. Why do you always think the worst of everyone?”

  “Because, in my experience, people end up proving me right. Case in point… this makes the third time you’ve royally screwed up while on my watch. What exactly am I supposed to think when I get a phone call from the school telling me you’ve skipped school again, and you’re failing two classes, and instead of trying to catch up, you’re here getting drunk and high. You know what they say, three strikes, you’re out.”

  “Oh, so now you’re kicking me out? That’s fine. I didn’t want you in my life anyway.” Her expression turned icy, and she crossed her arms, her mood flipping like a fish on a boat.

  “That’s not what I meant.” Once again, Maddie had me frazzled beyond words. “I mean, you’re grounded, again and… and I’m selling this house.”

  Maddie blanched, her expression going from shock to anger in a heartbeat. “You can’t sell it. It’s mine!”

  My blood pressure skyrocketed, taking my heart rate with it. “No, technically, it’s mine, and it’s nothing but trouble. We both need to move on, and the only way I can see that happening for you is if I take this house out of the equation. No more escaping reality and coming here. No more secret bottles of wine and hidden joints. No more sleeping around.”

  “For the last time, I’m not sleeping with Grey. And you’re not selling my mom’s house.”

  “Just watch me.” I grabbed the half-empty bottle of wine from the counter and poured it down the drain.

  “This is my home.” She stomped her foot like a five-year-old. “You can’t just sell it. God, no wonder Dad was going back to Mom. You’re such a bitch!”

  My legs tried to buckle beneath me at her declaration, but I managed to stay upright. “Yeah, well, this bitch is in charge of your life. Get used to it.”

  Maddie turned and made as if she were walking out the door. “I’ll just go stay with Haleigh… or Grey.”

  “Like hell you will.” I yanked her back by her sweater. “You’ll stay away from that boy. He’s nothing but trouble.”

  She wrenched out of my grip. “How can you judge him like that? You don’t even know him.”

  “I’ve known plenty like him. They’re all the same.”

  “So basically, you’re saying my dad was a player who slept around?”

  Her words were like a slap to my face. “You’re the one who keeps reminding me he was leaving me for your mom, so yeah… that means he was just like the rest. And since he’s left me with you, I get to make the rules. And the first rule is to be in the house by curfew, or I’m calling the police. Now get your stuff, and get in the car.”

  “No way? She was drunk and high?” Natalie hit me with the question the minute the last customer walked out the door.

  “Again.”

  “And no grandmother to blame this time?” She cleared the coffee cups from the counter and wiped it down.

  “Nope.”

  She shook her head. “Wow, you hit the jackpot with this one, huh?”

  “Don’t remind me.” I’d done nothing but replay every moment of our confrontat
ion. Lack of sleep was beginning to become the norm for me.

  She tossed the damp rag across the space, hitting the sink dead center. “Oooh, two points… so, are you still trying to find some long-lost family member to take her in? Some rich Daddy Warbucks who can’t wait to embrace little orphan Maddie?”

  “I wish.” I blew on my hot coffee, thinking how I was this close to sending her to live with Grandma Rose. But my conscience wouldn’t allow me to stoop that low.

  “Come on. She can’t be that bad. She’s a kid. A teenager. It’s not a terminal illness, I’m pretty sure they all grow out of it. I mean… I never did.” She winked. “But I hear most kids do.”

  “Thanks for the reassurance.” I ran a hand through my tangled hair. “I can feel the gray coming in as we speak.”

  Natalie burst out laughing. “Well, at least you can afford frequent trips to the salon. I foresee weekly visits once you finish that game you’re working on.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, right. I’ve spent more time stuck in ‘gamer’s block’ than I have working.”

  “Maybe you need to take a day off and relax. Oh, I know! Why don’t we play hooky tomorrow and hit the spa. You and me. Grownup girl time.”

  “I’ve spent quite enough time playing hooky from life. And since you mentioned it, I think it’s probably time for me to pull on my big girl panties and start acting like a grownup.”

  Natalie let out an exasperated sigh. “I get that you’re trying to be responsible. And that’s great, really. But you deserve a life too. Maybe it’s time for you to come out of the closet—literally—and call Ben. I’m not suggesting you sleep with him, per se. But if you did—”

  Her comment hit just a little too close to home. “I’m not discussing Ben.” Especially after running out on him the day before.

  “Oh come on. Who else am I supposed to live vicariously through? It’s not like I can talk to my coffee boy about his nonexistent sex life.”