Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  “Oh, okay… good. Thank you.” I took a step out of the bathroom, hitching my towel up a little and tugging it tighter around me.

  “I… um… I guess I’m gonna go. Give you some space.” He looked down at the carpet, seemingly tracing the pattern with his eyes before tipping his face back up and locking them with mine. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

  He turned to leave, but I wasn’t ready to let him go. “Ben… wait.”

  He shifted his weight. “This is obviously too difficult for you… having me here. I don’t want to cause you any more stress than I already have.”

  He was right. I wanted him to leave, but I needed him to stay. “Please, don’t go.”

  He took measured steps, crossing the room until he stood directly in front of me. “What am I going to do with you?” He cupped my cheek in his palm.

  I leaned into his touch, tucking myself under his chin. “Can you just lie down with me for a few minutes?”

  “I can do that.” He kept me wrapped in his arms and guided me toward the bed, but he stopped at the edge of the mattress to lock his eyes with mine. “Are you sure?”

  With a shaky smile, I untangled myself from his grasp and climbed into the bed, pulling him along until we were lying side by side on top of the covers. “No, but I don’t want you to go.” I shivered.

  “You’re cold,” he murmured, rubbing his hands down my arms. “Here.” He tugged off his navy thermal shirt then pulled it over my head until he’d enveloped me in his leftover warmth. “Better?”

  I nodded, nestling into his chest.

  “We’re going to be okay, you know. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I propped myself up on one elbow to look down at him. “Why do you put up with me?”

  “Because I can’t imagine anyone more worth it.” He smiled, running his nose along my cheek until his lips brushed against mine. Once, twice, then I kissed him back, allowing my tongue to tangle with his.

  Before I knew what I was doing, I’d tossed the towel aside and tugged his shirt back over my head until I was naked beneath him, and his jean-clad hips had settled between my open legs.

  He captured my bottom lip in his, sucking and nibbling as he freed himself from the confines of the denim. “Are you sure?”

  I wasn’t, but I nodded anyway. Ben had this amazing ability to make me forget myself and everything around me. Then as he settled between my legs again and I felt him there, I realized what we were actually doing—where we were—and then Maddie coughed down the hall, and the panic set in. “Get off me. Get. Off.” I couldn’t get out from under him fast enough, shoving his chest until he jumped back, a mask of confusion twisting his handsome face.

  He tangled his hands in his hair as he stared down at me as if he didn’t recognize me all of a sudden.

  “Stop looking at me like that!” I tugged the damp towel around me as I pulled myself to sitting.

  “Did I hurt you?” he whispered.

  “No, you didn’t hurt me.” I covered my face. “I just—I thought I could, but I can’t.”

  Ben dropped to his knees in front of me, pulling my hands from my face to brush the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. “Hey, it’s okay. I get it. What can I do?”

  “I think you should go.” I looked him straight in the eyes and watched as I shattered his heart. “It’s not you. It’s me. It’s just too much too soon.”

  His mouth fell open for an instant, then he scrambled to pull his jeans back on. “I’m sorry, Alex. I-I should have known better. I just… I love you, and I—”

  “Please don’t. I can’t deal with that right now.” I turned away from him. The tears came so quickly I couldn’t blink them back fast enough. “I’m sorry. Just go and I’ll—I’ll call you later, okay?”

  “Yeah. Okay, sure.” He nodded absently, and I could tell I’d destroyed him. “I’ll just go then.”

  I didn’t wait for him to clear the room before falling face first into my pillow and letting the sobs rip free. I’d made such a mess of my life.

  Chapter 25

  Maddie

  Alex came into the kitchen wearing some of my dad’s old sweats—just like she’d been doing the past few days—and started making a pot of coffee.

  “It’s Monday. Aren’t you going to the coffee shop after you drop me off?” I asked as I poured skim milk on my Honeycombs.

  My throat didn’t hurt anymore, and I was anxious to get back to school. Okay, not to school per se, but I wanted to get out of the house… and to see Grey. Alex and I had spent most of the last four days lying on the couch watching Fast and Furious movies and Project Runway reruns. We both thought Mrs. Walker could take a fashion lesson from the designers. Late Friday night though, I’d caught Alex watching the video of her and Dad’s wedding. I don’t know if she saw me, but I could tell she was crying.

  She rubbed her eyes then reached for a mug. “Do you think Haleigh could give you a ride today? I’m not feeling well.”

  “Yeah, sure. You probably got sick from me. You should call Dr. Hud—”

  “He’s busy,” she snapped as she poured her coffee then replaced the decanter and left the room.

  I finished my breakfast and put my dishes in the dishwasher before calling Haleigh. Half an hour later, we were on our way to school.

  “You missed the assembly.” She twirled one of her signature curls around her finger while we waited for the traffic light. “It was lame though.”

  “Yeah, Grey told me. He said the best part was Mrs. Shoeman almost lighting Mr. Lesage on fire during the safety demonstration.”

  “That was so funny. So you’ve been talking to Grey?” She gripped the wheel at ten and two like always, wearing a smirk that created a set of dimples I’d never noticed before.

  “A little.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to go into it right then, but Grey had called me after school on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, then three times over the weekend. That didn’t include the hundred or so texts we’d sent each other. It gave me a warm fuzzy just thinking about him.

  “That’s nice. Did he tell you about Kelsey and Brody getting into a huge fight on Friday? I didn’t see it, but I guess Kelsey was screaming, and Mrs. Walker had to call her parents.”

  “He mentioned it.” He hadn’t mentioned how upset Kelsey had been, but maybe he didn’t know. I hoped he didn’t care… too much.

  Haleigh parked her car, and we both climbed out. “I’m so sick of this!” She swatted a few fluffy white flakes as our feet crunched down the layer of snow already coating the parking lot. It was mid-March, and we still had several inches on the ground. The forecast called for another storm, and this time it was probably right.

  “I guess that thing Mom used to say isn’t true this year, is it? Something, ‘out like a lamb’?”

  “In like a lion. Out like a lamb.” Grey walked up beside me, taking my hand. “Hey.”

  “Hey” was all I could manage to get out as his fingers curled around mine. Any chill was completely gone, and I had the sudden urge to roll around in a nearby snow bank.

  “Yeah, that’s—oh, hi, Grey.” Haleigh blushed. “Um, I’ll see you later.” She scurried ahead of us.

  “Why do girls always run away from me?” he asked with a straight face.

  I summoned the courage to tug his sleeve a little. “I’m not running.”

  He smiled. “No, you’re not, are you?”

  We stopped just inside the building and moved out of the way of the doors. It just about killed me to do it, but I let go of him to take off my gloves and shove them in my pockets.

  He did the same with his then grabbed my hand again. “May I walk you to your first hour?”

  I nodded, trying not to stare at him, but the slight pinkness of his cheeks and brightness of his eyes made that
pretty much impossible. “I have to stop at my locker first.”

  “Lead the way.” He moved his free arm in a sweeping motion. “So are you really feeling better, or are you just tired of being stuck in your house with Alex?”

  “Both.” I laughed. “But I think Alex got what I had.” I shoved my backpack in my locker, and we continued toward the gym, holding hands again, the feel of it becoming more natural with every step.

  “Yeah, that happens. Marissa’s always worried Chase will catch whatever bug is going around. Speaking of Chase…” We stopped outside the girl’s locker room, and Grey brushed my hair back from my face. For a second, I thought he was about to kiss me, but he didn’t. “Um, if this snow keeps up, my dad will be really busy plowing, and Marissa handles a lot of the calls coming in so—” He let go of my hand and shook his head. “Never mind. Alex probably won’t let you.”

  All my warm fuzzies turned to prickly frost at the thought of Alex keeping me from seeing Grey. “What were you going to say?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “I was wondering if you could come over after school for a little while and help with Chase. I don’t really need the help, but it’d be nice to have the company… your company.”

  Yes. Yes. Triple yes! “I’ll ask her. She might not care since she’s sick.” I doubted that, but it was worth a try. “I’ll text her later, okay?”

  His lips twitched into a small smile. “Okay. See you in third hour.” He took off down the hall.

  I might have been feeling well enough to come back to school, but in P.E., I wasn’t up to par with the rest of the class yet. As if a room filled with sweaty boys and nasty old sock stench wasn’t bad enough, we were doing circuit training, and I could only make it through about half the stations before getting winded. Coach Pollard was nice enough to let me take a few breaks then let me go early to get a shower.

  I took my phone from my gym locker and sent a text to Alex.

  Me: How r u feeling?

  I figured I’d start with something nice, hoping it would distract her from my real request.

  Alex: Not great. Why aren’t you in class?

  Me: On my way to shower after PE. I was asked to babysit after school. You cool with that? I’ll be home in time for dinner.

  It took her a few minutes to reply, but the wait was worth it.

  Alex: Fine. You’ll probably have to fend for yourself for dinner though.

  Me: Thanks!

  I grabbed my stuff and hurried to the shower. History dragged since, by the time second hour started, everyone knew school would be closing early for the day. I didn’t mind waiting through third hour though.

  “Did you ask Alex?” Grey asked as soon as I sat down at our table in earth science.

  My stomach did a weird flutter thing at how hopeful he looked. “Yep, we’re good to go.”

  “Wait, she said yes?” He sounded surprised.

  I giggled. “Do you want to see her text?”

  “No, it’s just… not what I was expecting. But I’m glad, really glad.” He put his hand over mine on the table.

  I squeezed his fingers. “Me too. Maybe all that nice stuff I’ve been saying about you finally worked.” I wasn’t lying, technically. I did text her, and she did say it was fine. It wasn’t my fault if she didn’t bother to ask for more details.

  Chapter 26

  Alex

  “What the hell?” I sat up, letting the blankets pool around my waist.

  At first, I thought the chime had been part of a nightmare, but then the doorbell sounded several times in rapid succession before the banging started again. With a groan, I climbed out of bed and looked at the clock. It was almost noon. I’d slept the morning away.

  The chime went off again, followed by more banging. “Hang on!” I shouted as I dragged myself down the stairs to open the front door.

  “About damn time! Where the hell have you been?” Natalie brushed by me.

  I stared at her for a second before slamming the door. “Hi, Natalie. Come on in.”

  “Don’t Hi, Natalie me.” She crossed her arms over her jacket. “You haven’t been in the coffee shop in a week. Why are you avoiding me? And don’t you dare use the sick kid excuse. I already know she went to school today, so that won’t hold water.”

  I used both hands to push my ratty hair out of my face. “I wasn’t avoiding you.”

  “I guess that would explain why Ben keeps coming in and asking if you’re hiding in the closet.” Natalie popped up an eyebrow and waited for me to respond.

  I nodded. The mere sound of his name made my stomach twist into knots. The thought of him was never far from the forefront of my mind, but I repeatedly pushed it back, unwilling to deal with the aftermath of what I’d almost done with him in my husband’s bed.

  “I should have known something was up by the look on his face. I figured he’d lost a few patients, or maybe his dog died.” She gave me a look that said she knew exactly what had happened—or at least close enough to guess.

  “He doesn’t have a dog.” I turned and made my way into the kitchen with Natalie close on my heels.

  “You know, it’s one thing to avoid the doc, but me? You always come see me when you’re upset. I was the first person you called when you found out about David. Not your mom… me. And don’t even try to say it’s just my coffee.”

  “Speaking of coffee… if you’re going to be here, can you at least make yourself useful?” I pointed at the coffee maker.

  She rolled her eyes before grabbing the filters from the cabinet. “You seemed almost happy the last time I saw you. I thought things were good. So, when did everything go to shit?” She paused to look me over. “And speaking of shit… no offense, but you look like total crap. When did you go back to living in David’s old clothes? You really need to burn these.” She pulled on the sleeve of my sweatshirt, and I tugged my arm back.

  “I’m not burning them. What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be at the shop?”

  “I closed early.” She hit the button on the machine, making it come to life with the magical sounds and smells of fresh coffee. “I should be pissed at you, you know. Ben is my friend too.”

  “We had sex…” I paused at her duh face. “But we almost did it here. In my bed. In David’s bed.” I choked back a sob. Knowing what I’d done and saying it out loud were two different things.

  “Oh, sweetie.” Natalie pulled me into a hug. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Your husband isn’t on a business trip. He’s dead.” Her tone was gentle despite the weight of the words she’d used.

  I pressed my cheek against her shoulder. “Ben told me he loved me.”

  “Wait? He did? Where? When?” She leaned back to look me in the eyes.

  “Just before I kicked him out of my house.”

  “Oh, sweetie, you didn’t! Is it really that surprising… or awful for him to love you?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” I shrugged out of her embrace to pace the room. He hadn’t known me long enough to love me. Love took time. And I hadn’t even had time to mourn the love of my life. How could I even begin to consider the love of another? “I have no idea what I’m doing. He can’t fall in love with me.”

  Natalie patted my shoulder. “You’re a little late for that, don’t you think?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I can’t fall in love with him.” I shook my head. “I just can’t.”

  Natalie barked out a laugh without a trace of humor. “I hate to be the one to say this, kiddo, but it’s beginning to look like he opened his heart to you, and you ripped it out, treating him like a damn yoyo. Does the guy even know what he did wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I just asked him to leave. I haven’t really talked to him since.”

  “Don’t you think you at least owe him
that?”

  “Yes. Of course, I do.” I slammed my ceramic mug against the granite counter, creating a web of cracks along the side. “But I have no idea what to tell him.”

  “Tell him what you told me. And do me a favor. Don’t wait too long. Either be with him, or cut him loose. What you’re doing isn’t fair, Alex. He’s a good guy. He deserves better.”

  What if I didn’t have it in me to give him what he deserved? What if I was still too broken? I took a gulp of too-hot coffee to avoid answering her.

  Natalie zipped up her coat and smoothed her honey hair behind her ears. “Listen, I need to go.”

  “Yeah, you should get back to the coffee shop. It’s the lunch rush.”

  “No, I told you I closed early. The whole town is closing up. Haven’t you noticed there’s a damn blizzard out there?”

  My eyes shifted to the window and the blanket of white outside. “I guess I was too distracted to notice. I should probably call Maddie to make sure she has a ride home from school.”

  The shock in her expression was unmistakable. “Sweetie, the school’s been closed for almost two hours.”

  “Oh.” I blinked a few times, watching the snowfall outside the kitchen window. “She said something about going home with someone after school.”

  “She’d better get a ride before she’s stuck there all night. And I’d better get my ass home before you’re stuck with me all night.”

  I flashed a weak grin, abandoning my cup to walk her to the door. “Yeah, get outta here. I don’t think I can deal with fending off your advances for a whole day.”

  “You know you love me and my wandering hands.” Natalie bumped my shoulder with hers then opened the door. The air swirled with snow as she stepped outside. “Don’t forget to call him, okay?”

  “I won’t.” I gave her my word then closed the door and leaned against it, taking a few deep breaths to clear my head. Natalie was right. I needed to call Ben, but that would have to wait. First, I had to find out where Maddie was. I reached into my pocket to pull out my phone and hit the speed dial.