Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  “Go ’way,” she murmured. “Sick.”

  Just like in the movies, everything seemed to skid to a stop for just a moment, then I couldn’t move fast enough. I darted from her room to mine and snatched my phone from the nightstand. “Shit! Of all days.” I threw the dead phone on my bed and raced down the stairs to my office. After flipping through a few pages in the phonebook, I picked up the landline and dialed.

  “Bean There. Donut—”

  “Natalie, I need Ben’s number,” I blurted.

  “Alex? What are you doing? Don’t you have his—?”

  “My phone died, and I need to talk to him right away.”

  “Okay. Okay. Calm down. What’s gotten into you anyway?” I heard the jingle of the coffee shop door in the background. “Hi there. How are you today?” she said to someone.

  “Natalie. The number?”

  “This’d better not be some phone sex emergency.”

  “No! It’s Maddie. She’s sick, like really, really sick, and I have no idea what to do. I don’t know who her doctor is or if she even needs a doctor or if I should just take her to the emergency room.”

  “Why didn’t you say that in the first place?” Natalie sounded flustered.

  She rattled off his number, and I hung up and dialed him. It rang several times then went to voicemail. “Damn it, answer your freaking phone!” I dialed him again, and he picked up on the third ring.

  “Hello?” He sounded super sleepy.

  “Ben, it’s Alex. I’m sorry to wake you like this, but Maddie’s sick. She has a high fever, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Um…” I could hear him roll over in his bed, and all I could think about was being there with him and—stop, Alex, concentrate. “Did you give her anything for the fever yet?”

  “What?” My brain had trouble focusing.

  “Tylenol, Motrin, something to get the fever down.”

  “Oh, no. I just found her soaked in sweat in her bed and called you.” All of a sudden, I felt ridiculously stupid for not thinking to give her any medicine before running to Ben for help. I was clueless when it came to people being sick. I’d rarely, if ever, been sick myself. I never caught colds or the flu. My mother always teased that I had an immune system built like Fort Knox.

  “Do you have anything in the house?” he asked.

  “I think so, yeah.”

  “Give her two of whatever you have, and if it’s not down in…” he paused, “in an hour, call me back, okay?”

  I nodded then realized he couldn’t see me. “Okay, thanks. And I’m sorry I woke you. I was… well, I was going to try to surprise you this morning and come over after I dropped Maddie at school, but that obviously didn’t happen.”

  “I would have liked that.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “You’re always welcome. Why don’t you call me back either way? Just so I know she’s all right.”

  “Thanks… again.”

  “Any time.”

  After disconnecting the call, I went in search of something to reduce a fever and found Tylenol in the medicine cabinet above David’s sink. I hadn’t bothered to empty or even open the cabinet since he’d been gone, and just then I was glad I hadn’t. I took the bottle and a glass of water into Maddie’s room. She’d pulled the cover back over her face and continued to shiver.

  “You need to take some medicine.” I shook the bottle. She groaned and wrapped the blankets tighter around herself. “Maddie, please? It will make you feel better.” I set the water glass on her nightstand and shook two tablets from the bottle into my hand. “Here…” She opened one eye to peer at me then wiggled her fingers out of her blanket cocoon and took the pills. I handed her the water, and she carefully sipped some without sitting up. “I’ll leave the glass here in case you want some more, and I’ll come back to check on you later.”

  She gave a little nod then tugged on her blankets again. “Alex,” she said in a raspy voice.

  “Yes?”

  “Don’t forget to call school.” She closed her eyes and was back asleep in less than thirty seconds.

  Her cell phone sat charging on her nightstand, and I double-checked to make sure it was turned to silent before heading back to plug mine in and going downstairs. I went to my office and called the school then sat at my desk, staring at the wedding pictures that served as my laptop’s screen saver for longer than I should have.

  “I know I should have checked on her last night,” I said to David’s smiling image. “Am I ever going to get the hang of this?” I imagined his voice in my head saying, probably not, but I shook it off. He would have had faith in me. More than I had in myself.

  An hour later, she was still burning up, and her blankets were damp to the touch. I grabbed my phone from the charger and hit the autodial for Ben.

  “How’s the patient?” He sounded much more awake than he had earlier.

  “She still has a fever.” I rubbed my temples with my fingertips as I spoke. “Should I give her more Tylenol?”

  “Do you have anything else?”

  “No. I looked.”

  “You’d better wait a little longer. With all her drinking, I don’t want to compromise her liver any more than necessary.”

  “You don’t think she’s ODing or has alcohol poisoning or something?” My voice jumped an octave.

  “I haven’t examined her, Alex. But probably not since it started yesterday, and it sounds more like the flu than anything else.”

  “Yeah, yeah. She promised she wasn’t doing any of that stuff anymore. You’re probably right.”

  “You don’t sound convinced.”

  “It’s just… I want to be sure, you know?”

  He was quiet for a second then asked, “Do you want me to… come over?”

  “I… um… would you mind? I hate to bother you, and I know you’ll be in a hurry to get to work, but I just can’t stand seeing her like this and not knowing what’s wrong or what to do to make her better.”

  “It’s not a problem. I’m on my way.”

  Chapter 23

  Maddie

  The weight of someone sitting on my bed and fingers gently brushing my hair from my face brought me slowly out of sleep. “Maddie? I need you to wake up for a minute. There’s a doctor here to see you.” Alex used a softer tone than I’d ever heard from her. With my eyes closed, I could almost pretend she was Mom.

  This must be a dream. Mom’s gone, and Alex isn’t that nice, and… “Doctors don’t make house calls.” It hurt my throat to talk.

  “Hi, Maddie. I’m Dr. Hudson,” the man said, and he sounded too solid, too present to be a part of a dream.

  I clenched my blankets around me, trying to stop my body from shaking, and forced my eyes open as far as I could. Alex sat with her hand on my shoulder, and a handsome man with sandy brown hair and an oval face stood next to my bed. “I know you,” I mumbled.

  “We met before at the hospital. I worked with your mom. Would you mind if I examined you? Alex is worried.”

  I shifted my eyes to her, but she was looking at the doctor, glaring at him actually. Did they know each other? Alex stood and moved around to the other side of the bed while I sat up. My whole body ached, and my head felt woozy.

  “That’s good enough. You can stay like that.” Dr. Hudson set a black bag down on my nightstand and pulled out a stethoscope.

  I didn’t think doctors carried bags like that anymore, but maybe he made a lot of house calls. I also didn’t remember him personally, just that I’d met him once. But I remembered Mom saying how nice he was, and how some lucky girl would grab him up one day.

  He did all the regular doctor stuff: listened to my heart and lungs, looked in my throat and nose, and took my temperature. Alex stood right next to my bed the whole time, fidgeting.


  Dr. Hudson put his stethoscope away and smiled at me. “Does your throat hurt?”

  I nodded.

  He looked at Alex. “I’m pretty sure she’s got strep. I’ll do a quick swab to make sure, but I’ll go ahead and write a prescription for her.”

  “Oh, um, okay.” Alex twisted her hands in front of her.

  “Are you allergic to any medications?” he asked me before shoving a giant Q-tip down my throat.

  I gagged as he swiped the end of the stick across my tonsils then managed to shake my head.

  “All right. I’ll run up to the hospital and get something for you. In the meantime, I brought some ibuprofen, and you might want to gargle with warm salt water.”

  “You don’t have time to go and come back,” Alex said. “You’ll be late for work.”

  Dr. Hudson glanced at me. “Dr. Kowalski is covering my shift today.”

  “But—”

  “I want to make sure Maddie is taken care of. Sarah would appreciate that.” He sat on the edge of my bed and gave me a conspiratorial smile. “I’ll be going right past 7-Eleven. Would you like me to bring you a Slurpee? It’ll feel good on your throat.”

  I nodded again. Great bedside manner and Slurpee delivery service. Mom wasn’t wrong about this guy. He patted my shoulder then stood and grabbed his bag from my nightstand.

  “I’ll show you out.” Alex hurried to my door and waited for Dr. Hudson to catch up.

  They left the room, and I snuggled back under my blankets, glancing at the clock. It was ten forty. Grey would be going to lunch any minute. I grabbed my phone and pulled it under the blankets with me.

  Me: How was 3rd?

  Grey: Boring without u there. How r u feeling?

  Me: Better now. But I have strep.

  Grey: Wish I could bring you something to make you feel better.

  I didn’t dare tell him I was already getting a Slurpee, but I would choose seeing him over that any day.

  Me: Wish you could too. Txt you later.

  Grey: K

  I put my phone back moments before Alex walked into my room again. “Would you like to get up and take a shower? It might make you feel better, and I can put clean sheets on your bed.”

  “How do you know Dr. Hudson?” I sat up.

  Alex looked at my dresser then at me. “I met Ben at the funeral.”

  “Ben?”

  “Dr. Hudson, he… said to call him by his first name… since he knew your mom.”

  Either I was sicker than the doctor told me or there was something fishy going on, because Alex never acted that nervous. “Sure, whatever you say.” I slid my legs over the edge of the bed, and my feet fell to the floor like bricks.

  She took a step toward me. “Do you want me to—?”

  “No!” I held my hand out. “I can do it myself.”

  “Why don’t you take a bath in my big tub? Then you won’t have to hold yourself up in the shower.”

  My mood perked at the thought. “You don’t mind?”

  “Of course not. Wait here, and I’ll go get the water started.”

  “Thanks.”

  She scurried out of my room but was back a few minutes later. I’d managed to stand and get a clean set of pajamas to take with me. Alex hovered until I made it down the hall and into her ginormous bathroom with the Jacuzzi tub. I undressed and eased myself into the warm, bubbling water.

  It wasn’t that I liked being sick, but it was kind of nice having everyone paying so much attention to me. The only person I knew who was ever this attentive was my mom. The last time I’d gotten this sick was over a year ago, just before Thanksgiving. Dad had flown out to see Alex, and I’d ended up with the flu. Mom made me turkey-shaped orange Jell-O, and we’d watched A Christmas Story. I sank lower into the bubbles, thankful for the roar of the tub’s jets drowning out my sobs.

  When the water got cold, I flipped the switch, turning off the Jacuzzi, and climbed out of the tub, wrapping myself in the oversized towel Alex had set out for me. For a moment, I just sat on the edge, watching the water swirl down the drain, wishing it could take my pain and guilt with it.

  “I’m sorry, Mom and Dad. I’m really, really sorry. I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I promise.” I rocked back and forth, begging—for what—I didn’t know. My parents were gone. There was no bringing them back. And it was all my fault.

  “Maddie? Are you all right? Do you need help?” Alex called from the other side of the door.

  “I’m fine,” I choked out. “Don’t come in.” I didn’t need, or want, her pity. I wanted my mom. I wanted orange Jell-O. And I wanted Alex to stop pretending to care about me and to leave me alone.

  Chapter 24

  Alex

  “I think I got everything on your list.” Ben set an armload of grocery bags on the kitchen island. “But I’m not sure why you didn’t just let me get a couple cans of chicken soup.”

  “Maddie’s allergic to chicken.” I smiled, remembering David reciting the list of foods Maddie couldn’t eat before I’d even met her. He had such high hopes for us hitting it off. If he could see us now… “Did you get orange Jell-O? She likes orange. Is this her medicine? I’d better take that up to her right away.”

  “Alex.” Ben clasped my hands in his. “Yes, I got orange. You told me three times before I left. Why don’t you let me take up her medicine with the Slurpee while you start the soup?” He held my hands for a second longer then let go and left me there alone in the kitchen.

  David’s kitchen.

  Ben was here in David’s house, taking care of David’s daughter.

  I shook away the nagging sensation and unpacked the bags. He’d gotten everything on my list, including the Jell-O and the vanilla yogurt granola bars Maddie and I both liked. After putting away what I didn’t need, I washed the vegetables.

  “What kind of soup are you making?” Ben startled me as he stepped back into the kitchen.

  “Well, I’ve never been much of a cook. You can thank my mother for that.” I dried off my hands and took a knife from the block on the counter. “But even I can follow simple directions. I found the recipe on the fridge in Sarah’s handwriting. Apparently, it’s Maddie’s favorite. How is she?”

  “She’s fine.” He leaned against the doorframe, and I could feel him watching me. “I got the impression she’d like to be left alone for a while.”

  “I really appreciate you coming over and—well, everything.” I glanced at him over my shoulder. Even slightly rumpled and majorly sleep deprived, the guy oozed sexy. “But you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

  “Why does that sound like you’re kicking me out?” He pushed off the wall, sauntering over to stand behind me. Cool hands rubbed my neck and shoulders.

  A little voice told me I should move out of his reach, but I couldn’t. His hands were firm and comforting as I peeled and sliced carrots. “I’m not… it’s just… I mean this is where—”

  He dropped his hands and stepped back. “This is his house.”

  I set the knife down and turned to face him, but as much as I wanted to say something, I couldn’t find the words. My insides were jumbled and twisted, and I was certain my expression mirrored that.

  “It’s fine.” He looked down then back up again with a sad smile. “I won’t touch you. I want to, but I won’t. I took the day off though, so can I at least stay and help you cook?”

  I nodded and handed him an extra knife. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered after a while of peeling and cutting in silence. A wave of sadness came over me, and I had to push back the threat of tears.

  “This what? Cut potatoes, take care of Maddie, or be with me?” His voice sounded hollow, and I hated that I’d made it that way. “Never mind. Don’t answer that. Why don’t yo
u go take a hot bath. You’ve had a rough morning. I’ll finish the soup.”

  “Ben—” I set down the knife, feeling the weight of the world pressing down on me.

  “One day at a time, Alex. Let’s get through today… and tomorrow”—he shrugged—“we’ll figure that out when the time comes, okay?”

  “Okay, you’re right.” I blew out a breath and turned to walk out of the kitchen then stopped. “The recipe calls for thick chunks, but I think we should keep them small. They won’t hurt her throat as much.”

  Ben smiled at me before taking three long strides and wrapping me in his arms. “I know I said I wouldn’t touch you, but I can’t help myself. And in case you don’t know this, you’re an amazing woman. I think you’re doing a great job with Maddie. You can tell me to go any time you want, but I hope you’ll let me stay.”

  I hugged him around his waist and buried my face in his shoulder. He smelled good, fresh-vegetables-and-spices good. “Thank you, for everything.” I kissed him. It wasn’t meant to be much of a kiss, but I couldn’t seem to pull my lips away.

  “Go. I’ll still be here when you’re done.”

  I dragged my hand across the steamy mirror to clear an open spot then stared at my reflection. How did I let things get so complicated? I shouldn’t feel guilty. David was gone. He wasn’t coming back. And Ben was a wonderful man. So why did I feel like I had a knife twisting its way through my gut as I watched him standing in the middle of my kitchen as if he belonged there?

  “Knock, knock?” Ben’s voice and the sound of his knuckles rapping against the doorframe shook me out of my thoughts.

  I swiped away a few tears before poking my head out of the bathroom to find him standing across the room in the open doorway.

  “Hey.” I forced a smile.

  “Feeling better?” he asked, and I nodded. “Good. I just checked on Maddie, and she’s sound asleep. I think the soup is finished. I left it simmering on the stove.”