Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  I reached for the box, but instead of finding a stash of meds, I found my pointe shoes. My throat squeezed shut as I held the worn satin and leather in my hands. Everything I’d done was for nothing. I’d given up dance to bring my parents back together, and they’d died. Those stupid shoes were like a flashing neon sign reminding me of everything I’d lost.

  “I hate you!” Tears burned my eyes as I hurled them, one at a time, across the room, the ribbons cutting through the air like flags on a windy day. I could still hear the slap they made against the wall as I walked over and picked them up again. I felt nothing. No exhilaration. No adrenaline. Nothing. Once upon a time, dance had defined me; now I didn’t even know who I was.

  I toed off my sneakers and sat down to slip them on in their place, tying the ribbons around my ankles on autopilot, waiting for the slightest spark of something. Anything. But it never came. I rose up on my toes for a painful instant before tearing through everything in my mother’s closet, searching for the pills I knew she kept hidden from me.

  I found what I was looking for in the bottom of Mom’s favorite bag—a handmade straw weave tote in teal. Dad had got it for her the last summer they were together. We’d gone to Mackinac Island, and she’d stashed sandwiches for the ferry ride in her bag. How ironic that she’d stash the drugs she’d started collecting when Dad moved out in the same bag.

  I dumped a handful of pills from each bottle into my palm, mesmerized by the way the different colors pooled in my hand. I stood there contemplating my options until the sweat in my palm made the pills sticky. Then with one last deep breath, I shoveled them into my mouth and reached for the codeine cough syrup chaser.

  “Maddie, NO!” Grey’s hand shot out, slapping the cough syrup from my grasp. Thick red liquid splattered the wall, and the balance of the contents soaked into the cream-colored carpet like blood. He snatched up a crystal dish from the dresser, dumping out my mother’s favorite collection of earrings. With his free hand gripping the back of my neck, he held the bowl to my lips. “Spit them out.”

  The chalky residue coated my tongue, making me gag as I pushed the gooey mess out of my mouth.

  Grey shoved the dish back onto the dresser and grabbed my face with both hands. “Open up.” He shouted at me, his breath coming out in jagged blasts as he peered down my gaping throat. “Did you swallow any?”

  I tried to shake my head, but his grip was too tight.

  He tipped my face back until his wild eyes locked on mine. His fear radiated off him. “Madison, did you swallow any of those fucking pills?”

  “NO!”

  His hands shook as he held me. “Don’t you lie to me. I swear to God, I’ll drag you into the bathroom and stick my finger down your throat until you puke.”

  “I didn’t.” I choked back a sob. “I didn’t swallow them.”

  Grey let out a shuddering breath as he released me then pulled me into a crushing hug. “What the hell did you think you were doing? Damn it, I’m too young to have a stroke.” His heart thundered in his chest as he held me, his body trembling in time with mine.

  “I can’t do it anymore. I tried, Grey. I really tried, but I’m not strong enough to hold myself together. Not even for you.”

  “Jesus, Maddie, you need to do it for you. Not me.” He stepped back, holding my shoulders and staring me right in the eyes. “I love you. Do you hear me? I. Love. You. But you shouldn’t be doing anything if it’s just for me. You’re important enough all by yourself. I’ve been where you are, and I’m going to stay with you every step of the way. I know you can do this.”

  “Grey.” I sobbed out his name as tears streamed down my cheeks.

  He leaned down, pressing his lips to mine for a quick kiss. “I love you. I cannot lose you. But you need to get rid of that gross taste in your mouth.”

  An unexpected laugh bubbled out of me. “Yeah, probably.”

  He darted out of the room and came back with a cup of water. I gulped it down, cooling my burning throat.

  “Better?”

  I nodded.

  He pulled me against his chest again. “When I came in here and saw you standing there with the cough syrup to your lips, I was so scared.”

  “I’m so sorry. I just—what if I’d—what if you hadn’t…?”

  “But I did. This time. But Maddie, I might not always be there. Not because I don’t want to be, but because next time you might not text me first.” He stiffened in my arms. “You need to talk to someone—like a therapist or something—someone who can help you deal with this stuff. I’m seventeen. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

  “There won’t be a next time.” I tried to wriggle free, but he held me tighter.

  “Still. You should—”

  “Stop.” The last thing I wanted was to revisit my darkest moment. “I don’t want to think about that right now. Can you please just kiss me?”

  He nodded as he wiped my tears with the rough pads of his thumbs then cupped my face and pressed his lips to mine… soft and tentative as if he thought I might break. But as I gathered his shirt in my fists, dragging him closer, the kiss spun out of control.

  My stomach tumbled like a dryer on high, the heat making its way down my neck to my toes. In that instant, I felt more alive than I had in months. I wasn’t Sarah and David Barrett’s orphaned daughter—the girl so desperate to cling to her dead parents she’d do almost anything to destroy herself. And I wasn’t the misunderstood stepchild, punishing Alex for being… well for being alive. I was just Madison Barrett—girl in love.

  A sense of urgency came over me, and I tugged at the hem of Grey’s cotton tee, inching it up to expose his hard abs, then let my fingers run over his lean muscles. “I want you.”

  He pulled back, the look of desperation in his eyes warring with his obvious concern for my well being. “I told you I wouldn’t do this if it was about—”

  “It’s not,” I whispered. “I swear. It’s about you. I’ve wanted to do this since the first time you kissed me.” I pushed his shirt up his chest, and he grabbed it, lifting it the rest of the way over his head, and dropped it on the floor.

  Grey stood in front of me shirtless. Nothing but his ragged breathing broke the silence between us. Neither of us said a word for what seemed like forever. We just stared at each other like everything around us had been put on pause. Then he whispered my name and crashed his lips to mine.

  His hands trembled as he unbuttoned my blouse, letting the silky fabric slide over my shoulders and pool on the floor at my feet.

  I reached up to unfasten my bra, but he grabbed my hand, towing me through the bedroom. “You don’t want to do this in here.” It wasn’t a question. “Come on.” He led me across the hall to my room and hauled me up to toss me on the bed. Like I was flying down a sand dune on Lake Michigan and into the cool water on a hot summer day, my stomach continued to dip and swirl. Exhilaration clouded my thoughts, edging back my pain as I clung to Grey like a life raft.

  We fumbled with the rest of our clothes, our limbs tangled and our mouths connected the entire time. My lips still carried the hint of a chalky residue under salty tears, but Grey tasted of cherry ChapStick and peppermint gum, and that overpowered everything else.

  With my heart threatening to beat its way out of my chest, I ran my hands everywhere I could reach. I savored the feel of him under my palms at the same time his fingers explored me, making me insane with need, desperate to feel all of him. “Grey, I, um, I’m not on the pill.”

  He pushed up on his elbows and flushed. “I keep a condom in my wallet. I mean, it’s not like I thought I’d be using it today. I just carried it around, you know, in case. But it’s not like I always carried one with me. It’s just… since that night in your room, I figured it might be a good—”

  I covered his mouth with my hand. “It’s ok
ay. I’m glad one of us planned ahead. Now shut up and kiss me.”

  He smiled against my palm then dragged my arms over my head.

  Chapter 34

  Alex

  Natalie exhaled into the phone. “You know, I hate to say I told you so, but I—”

  “Yeah, yeah. I know. You told me so. But you don’t understand. It wouldn’t have mattered if I’d told her. I mean, I did try to tell her… more than once. She just wouldn’t listen. And trust me. She would’ve freaked out either way.” I flipped on my blinker and got into the left lane.

  “Do you blame her? She showed up on Mother’s Day to find you packing up her mom’s stuff. Could you have possibly been any more insensitive?”

  Natalie’s disappointment rang through the line, and I wanted to tell her it wasn’t my fault, but somewhere in the back of my hormone-addled brain, I knew better. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I never seemed to say or do the right thing where Maddie was concerned. I should have—who knew? Whatever it was, I didn’t do it. Another wave of tears fought free. “Whose side are you on?”

  “There are no sides. But I think you could have done things differently. And what about Ben? Your appointment is tomorrow. Have you told him yet?”

  Ben. Just thinking about him caused a bone-deep ache and a fluttering low in my stomach. It seemed as if even my unborn child had taken sides against me. But that was ridiculous. I wasn’t far enough along for that.

  “Well? I’m taking your silence to be a no.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “That seems to be your mantra lately. Well, I’ve got news for you. No one understands. And do you know why? Because you’re wrong. You can’t keep these things from people.” Natalie’s frustration was evident even through the phone.

  “But—”

  “I’ll give you a few buts. Maddie may be a holy terror sometimes, but she still deserves to know what happens with her mother’s house. And I know you miss David. I know you’re buried in guilt about your feelings for Ben, but he still deserves to know he’s about to be a father. And I’m sorry, sweetie, but it’s time to pull on your big girl panties and start acting like someone’s mother because whether you like it or not, you are. You’re the only mother Maddie has now, and you have an innocent baby growing inside you who needs you to stop hiding under your blanket of grief.”

  I didn’t want to believe she was right. I didn’t want to think I’d been hiding all this time. The truth sat like a lead weight on my chest. I reached the end of Main Street and pulled over to the shoulder, too blurry with tears to drive.

  Her voice turned soft as she seemed to run out of anger. “Are you still there?”

  Everything that had happened over the past several months ran through my head. The ground had finally thawed, and soon I’d be burying my husband. A man who’d only been in my life for a short time, but who’d managed to so completely consume me that I couldn’t seem to find my way out from under the weight of his loss. Was it love? Or was it the knowledge that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him?

  “It’s just too much, Natalie. I’m only one person. How much can one person bear?”

  “Hey, I know you can do this. Life is hard. But you can’t stick your head in the sand and wait for it to go away. You have to deal with it. You have to start talking to Maddie about things that affect her, and you have to tell Ben about the baby. I’ll give you one week to come clean. If you haven’t told him by then, I’ll do it myself. And hey, this is for your own good, you know?”

  I sniffed and wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. “Fine. I’ll tell him.”

  “Good. Now come on over, and have a cup of decaf and a blueberry scone.”

  “No. I have things I need to do. I’ll—maybe I’ll come over after my appointment tomorrow. If I feel up to it.”

  “Okay, sweetie. Take care of yourself. Call me if you need anything.”

  “Thanks, Nat.”

  Natalie’s words stung. And the argument with Maddie had left me exhausted. But despite the weariness, I found myself on a course toward Ben’s house with my stepdaughter still very much on my mind. I knew I needed to repair the rift we’d created, but I had to talk to Ben first. Maybe things would be better if I let go of the black cloud hanging over me and just told him the truth. Admitted my feelings and my fears. Told him about the baby.

  Once I’d resigned myself to coming clean, I felt the weight lift. He’d loved me not so long ago. I could only hope he still did.

  I pulled into Ben’s driveway and jumped out of my car with the engine running. Ben’s house was dark as purple streaks etched the sky, and the sun slipped down over the horizon. After ringing the bell and banging on the door to no avail, I sat on the stoop to wait. But the mid-May weather still carried a bite to it, and I wasn’t dressed for the cold.

  After climbing back into my car, I dialed his number, but it went straight to voice mail. I left a message for him to call me as I looped through town toward the hospital. Once I’d gotten it in my head to tell him, I became obsessed with carrying it out, even if that meant making my declaration in the middle of the emergency room.

  Traffic on Main Street moved at a snail’s pace, unusual for a Sunday evening. But a steady stream of cars exited the parking lot at Beverly’s Café, crowding the road. As I waited at the light, I glanced at the smiling faces going in and out of the restaurant.

  A familiar shock of golden-brown hair caught my eye, and I stared at his profile. Then I noticed the beautiful blonde at his side. He threw his head back, laughing at something she said, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, kissing her temple as he guided her through the door.

  Fuck my life. What were the odds I’d pass by the restaurant at the exact moment he was going in? Damn small towns.

  I watched them until they disappeared within the building and a loud honk startled me. Ben had moved on without me. Natalie was right. I’d taken too long to make a decision, and he’d given up on me.

  What am I going to do?

  I continued down Main Street and took the first left, circling back toward the coffee shop. I could see Natalie through the window, laughing with the customers at the counter, and drove on, not wanting to be around smiling, happy people.

  Alone. By choice, by design, by accident. But undoubtedly alone. Heavy droplets of rain pelted the top of my car as I headed up the coast. I didn’t have a plan. I just drove. I stopped off for gas and a gas station burrito and sent Maddie a text to let her know I’d be getting home late. Not that she cared about me or my whereabouts. Not that anyone would.

  Just after midnight, I pulled into my driveway next to Grey’s car. The old me would have gone into hysterics, even though I’d half expected him to be there when I arrived. The new me understood—and was maybe a little jealous.

  A light glowed above the stove, casting shadows over Grey’s face as he sat, sketching at the counter. He looked up as the back door closed behind me with a click. “Oh, hey.” He gathered his pencils and paper into a neat pile and sat up straighter on the stool.

  “Where’s Maddie?”

  “She’s, uh, sleeping. In her room. I stayed down here, ’cause I figured, well, you know. That you wouldn’t want me up there.” He fidgeted with a fat bubblegum-pink eraser.

  “Oh. Okay. So…” I tossed my keys onto the counter and attempted a friendly smile. “Why are you still here?”

  He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out several orange pill bottles. “I-I caught Maddie trying to take these. At her mom’s house. She actually had a mouthful of them when I walked in and was about to wash them down with cold medicine.”

  My stomach twisted as Grey told me what had happened, and my dinner threatened to make a reappearance. She’d tried to kill herself. David would’ve never forgiven me had his daughter tak
en her own life on my watch. No matter how I looked at it, I’d screwed up.

  “Is she… is she okay?” I collapsed onto a stool, dropping my purse at my feet.

  “No. I mean, physically, she’s fine. But—and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but—watching you pack up her mom’s stuff really upset her. And then she found these.” He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a pair of tattered ballet shoes.

  I took them from him. “I don’t understand. They’re just shoes.” Maddie hadn’t danced since I’d known her. And who would want a pair of ratty old slippers anyway? I rubbed my thumb over the worn satin. “David always said she was an amazing dancer.”

  “She was. Do you know why she quit?”

  I shifted my gaze to Grey. “No, he never told me.”

  “Ask her someday.” His expression told me he knew the answer, but he wasn’t about to share it with me. “And maybe have that conversation about her mom’s house before you actually sell it.”

  “Oh my God. Natalie was right.” I blinked back hot tears. “I’m a terrible person.”

  He reached out his hand but pulled it back at the last second. “You’re not a terrible person. But maybe see if you can fix things?”

  I nodded, wiping tears as they fell. “Of course.”

  “Well, I guess I’ll go home.” Grey hopped off the stool and shoved his art supplies into a backpack. “I just thought I should stay and tell you before I left.”

  “Thank you, Grey. Really.” I reached out and squeezed his hand. I didn’t know what to think about a teenager schooling me on the intricacies of life, but he had. He’d managed to sum up everything I’d failed at in a few words.