Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  He nodded and turned to leave.

  “Wait. It’s late. Why don’t you stay on the couch?”

  “Are you sure?” He scratched the back of his neck.

  “I’m positive. Stay here. I’ll get you a blanket.” I dragged myself off my stool and headed up the stairs to find a clean blanket and pillow and peeked into Maddie’s room as I went by. She lay curled in a ball, cocooned in a ratty old quilt, something I’d seen at her mother’s house just today.

  How could I have been so wrong about so many things? And how would I ever repair the damage I’d done? Whether David had been faithful or not, his daughter deserved better than I’d given her. I vowed to rectify that immediately.

  Chapter 35

  Maddie

  The brush of warm fingers and a light kiss on my cheek woke me. I opened my eyes to see Grey’s contented smile. He moved to sit next to me on my bed and hold my hand.

  “What time is it? Am I late for school?” I asked him, trying to sit up and see my clock.

  He held me in place though. “You’re not late. I’m early. Actually, I never left.”

  “You… you spent the night?”

  “Alex didn’t get home until after midnight. She let me stay on the couch.”

  I blinked my eyes a few times before taking a good look at him. He wore the same clothes as the day before, and his hair was only a little disheveled. I put my free arm over my face. “How come you look so good first thing in the morning? I probably look like crap.”

  He laughed then eased my arm away from my face. “You’re beautiful in every sense of the word.”

  My breath caught, and I tugged on his shirt to coax him down to kiss me. After a moment, he pulled back, a worried look in his eyes. “You told her, didn’t you? That’s why she let you stay.”

  “I had to, Maddie.” He brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. “I don’t think you have any idea how much you scared me. You need help—”

  “I’m okay. I mean, I know I screwed up, but I won’t ever do that again.” This time I did sit up and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry.”

  He hugged me tight and rubbed his hand up and down my back. “You know I’m going to watch you like a hawk now, right? And be completely overbearing and freak out if you so much as take a Tylenol.”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  “Maddie…” He sat back and studied my face. “This is serious. You have to promise me—swear on your parents’ souls you will never try anything like that again.”

  “I promise. I swear.” Seeing the fear in his eyes when he’d found me had sobered me up. I’d never realized what my selfish decision would mean to anyone else. I wished I could make him understand how much I meant what I said, but I guessed it would just take time.

  He stared into my eyes for a moment then leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I wove my fingers into his hair and delighted in the fact that he’d been allowed in my bedroom without Alex giving me the third degree.

  “Breakfast is ready!” Alex called from downstairs.

  So much for that thought.

  Grey pulled back then cleared his throat. “We should probably get down there. I don’t want to take advantage of Alex’s hospitality.”

  I sighed. “Yeah. Is she cooking something?”

  “Can’t you smell it?” He smiled. “She’s making bacon-stuffed buttermilk pancakes. And she put about a gallon of syrup on the table.”

  I took in a deep breath and got a nose full of the salty-sweetness wafting up from the kitchen. “Did you guilt her into making those? The last time she made them was the day after she forgot my birthday. How is it she can be so shitty sometimes, like packing up my mother’s house without even talking to me about it? But when it comes to food, she remembers every little thing I like and don’t like or can’t have.”

  He laughed. “Remember how we talked about giving her a chance? She cares about you, Maddie, more than she even realizes. And she knows she made a colossal mistake. But she also needs you, just like I do.”

  I raised an eyebrow at him.

  “Well, maybe not exactly like I do.” He gave me a quick kiss. “But you know what I mean.”

  “All right. All right. I promise I won’t, you know, ever again. And I promise to try harder with Alex. As long as she tries, too.”

  “That’s my girl.” He stood up and reached his hand toward me. “Now come on, and eat some breakfast before it gets cold.”

  I let him help me out of bed and gave him another hug. “I’ll be down in a sec, okay?”

  “Okay. But don’t take too long.” He squeezed me and kissed the top of my head before leaving my room.

  I ran to the bathroom then threw my tangled hair into a ponytail and splashed some water on my face. No matter how beautiful Grey found me, I wouldn’t sit through breakfast with him while I looked like a total wreck. A moment later, I bounded down the steps to find Grey sitting at the kitchen table with a ginormous stack of syrup-laden pancakes in front of him and Alex pouring herself a cup of coffee.

  “I thought you were trying to cut back,” I said to her as I slid into the seat next to Grey. He grinned at me then put his hand on my knee under the table.

  Alex turned and gave me a small smile. “It’s decaf. How are you feeling this morning?”

  “I’m…” I looked to Grey for reassurance, and he nodded. “I’m better.”

  “Good.” She eased into the seat across from me, and we both loaded our plates.

  After a while of silent eating, Grey sat back and checked the time on his cell phone. “I should go so I can get a shower before school. This was really delicious, Mrs. Barrett. Thank you.” Hearing him call her by my mom’s name unsettled me, but I fought back the hurt feelings.

  “You’re welcome, Grey. You’ll probably be full until dinner.”

  “Alex, can you give me a ride today so Grey has a little more time?”

  The two of them shared a look, and I set my fork down, ready for whatever they thought I should be doing.

  “Actually, I was hoping you’d come with me to an appointment this morning.” Alex took her napkin and dabbed her mouth.

  “This isn’t some kind of intervention, is it?” I turned to Grey. “I promised you I wouldn’t… do that again, and I meant it. I really do promise. I don’t want to go see some shrink.”

  “It’s not an appointment for you, Maddie. Though, I do think we need to talk about some things,” Alex said. “And we’ll revisit the discussion about therapy. But not today. Today, I have an appointment I’d like you to be there for.”

  “Oh-kay. If you’re sure you’re not dragging me to some secret shrink appointment.”

  Alex shook her head and smiled at me. Awkward, but at least she tried.

  “Cool. Can I drive?” I tossed out the question, knowing damn well she’d say no.

  She glanced over at Grey then shrugged. “Sure. I’m kind of tired anyway, and you can get some practice in.”

  “Seriously?” I held my breath, glancing between the two of them again, and they both nodded. I let out a shriek and clapped my hands like a little girl.

  Grey laughed before scooting back his chair to stand. “I should really get going.”

  He put his hand on my shoulder and leaned down to whisper in my ear. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.” Then he kissed my cheek.

  I wanted to tell him I loved him too, but I couldn’t with Alex sitting right across from me with her mouth hanging open like one of those singing fish. That’s right, Alex. He loves me. Instead, I squeezed his fingers, hoping he knew what I meant. “Okay, bye.”

  After he’d left, I finished eating and helped Alex clean up the kitchen. We didn’t say much to each other, but she kept staring at me as if I might vanish into thin air and disappe
ar without a trace.

  “Maddie?”

  “Yeah.” I handed her the last dirty plate to put in the dishwasher.

  She clinked some dishes around to make room for it then reached for the package of detergent tabs under the sink. “I’m sorry about yesterday.” She put a tab in the slot and shut the door. “I shouldn’t have started packing your mom’s things, and I hope you can forgive me.”

  I leaned against the island and crossed my arms, blinking back tears. “I just wish you’d talked to me first. I mean really talked, not just told me it was going to happen.”

  “I know, and I’m very sorry. I’ve been so consumed with what’s going on in my own life that I forgot to think about you being a part of it. And I want you to be a part of it. I want us to make decisions together for our… family.” She looked down then back up, the word family more tentative than any of the others.

  “I get that we can’t keep the house, but I’m… I don’t know, not ready to let it go yet.”

  She twisted her lip as if she were contemplating something. “I’m not comfortable with it just sitting empty, so how would you feel about renting it? I can ask Natalie if she knows any people looking for a house. That way, we’d still own it. We’ll give it a year and see how you feel, say… after graduation? How does that sound?”

  I hated to admit it, but that actually seemed like a good plan. It’d give me a chance to go through my mom’s things and get used to the idea of it not being my home anymore. “Yeah, I think I could go along with that.”

  “Okay.” Her face lit up. “There’s one more thing. I’d like you to go back to dance. Your dad wouldn’t shut up about how good—”

  My stomach clenched. “I don’t dance anymore.”

  Alex’s smile wavered. “Well, we can talk about it later, but for now, we need to get cleaned up. My appointment’s in an hour.”

  I nodded then headed up to my room to get dressed. Whatever this appointment was for, she seemed anxious to get there on time.

  Chapter 36

  Alex

  “I seriously can’t believe you’re letting me drive your Porsche. I mean, you love this thing.” Maddie bounced in the driver’s seat, jingling the keys in her hand.

  “It’s just a car, right?” I forced myself to smile, thinking of all the potential disasters that could happen with a teenager at the wheel. I wondered if my heart could handle it. “Okay, you’ll want to adjust your seat and the mirrors to make sure you can see out.”

  Maddie reached between the seat and the door to adjust the height then moved the rearview mirror into position. “Got it. Can we go now?” She squirmed in her seat, the excitement rolling off her in waves. It might have been the first time I’d ever actually seen a real smile on her face.

  Her delight was contagious, making me laugh. “Yes, but be sure to check for cars before backing out.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to tell me everything. I do know how to drive.”

  “Right.” I pressed my lips together and sat on my hands, the words “nervous mother” floating around in my head. “The cockpit’s yours, captain. Don’t dent it.”

  Maddie threw her head back and laughed. Then she eased the car out of the driveway and made a smooth turn onto Grant Street. “See? Piece of cake.” Her brows furrowed as she concentrated on the road, her expression an exact duplicate of David’s face when deep in thought. I realized I’d never noticed how much she looked like him. I’d always pegged her for a mini-Sarah, but she really had a good blend of them both. Watching her navigate the streets behind the wheel of my prized vehicle, I saw nothing but her father in her.

  “You’re kind of creeping me out with all the staring.” Maddie turned on the blinker and got into the left lane. “And it might be a good idea to tell me where I’m going before I decide to take this baby all the way up the coast on a joyride.” Even her saucy smirk was the spitting image of David’s.

  I shook my head to clear it then checked the road ahead. “Very funny. You can get into the right lane. We’re heading toward the hospital.” I couldn’t decide whether to tell her exactly where we were going or spring it on her once we’d arrived.

  “Are you sick?”

  My stomach fluttered. “Not exactly.”

  Maddie eyed me as she took the first right onto Main Street. “I take it we’re going to see your doctor friend?”

  A burst of laughter bubbled out of me. “No. Not going to see Ben.” I wished. He still hadn’t returned any of my calls.

  I checked my cell phone. No messages. And maybe that was for the best. After seeing him with the mystery blonde, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to call me back. If only I hadn’t waited so long. Why did Natalie have to be right?

  Maddie kept her eyes glued to the road ahead of us. “Well, I sort of liked him.”

  “Liked who?”

  “Dr. Hudson. He was nice to me. And I know Mom liked him. I think Dad would have liked him too.”

  I coughed, choking on my own saliva. “What do you mean your dad would have liked him?” The image of David and Ben sitting on either side of me on the sofa flashed behind my eyes.

  Maddie stopped at the red light and turned to face me. “I think he would have wanted you to be happy. Now that he’s gone, I mean. Not that he didn’t want you to be happy when he was here. But he wouldn’t want you to be so sad and lonely.”

  The same girl who’d moved heaven and earth to make sure I knew her parents were reconciling before they’d died was concerned about my happiness? The irony wasn’t lost on me. I opened my mouth then shut it again. My instincts screamed at me to leave it alone, but in the end, I couldn’t do that. “I know your dad was planning on leaving me for your mom. You don’t have to pretend. You’re not the only one who’s made that perfectly clear.” My thoughts flitted back to my conversations with Mr. Howard and Mike Allen. Even Ben had been aware of what everyone but me seemed to know.

  “Um…” The light changed, and Maddie jerked the car forward without saying another word. Her expression wavered between guilt and uncertainty, making me uncomfortable.

  “It’s okay, Maddie. Really. I’ve accepted it and moved on.” Heartbroken and forever changed, but still. The fault rested solely with David. He’d been the one to lie. The one who’d betrayed me. I might never really know what had actually happened, and I was finally okay with that.

  “No.” Maddie shook her head. “It’s not okay.” She gunned the engine, and the needle jumped on the speedometer.

  “Watch your speed.”

  She nodded, and the car slowed. “It’s just—and I feel really horrible about what I’ve done.” Maddie’s leg bounced, and I rested my hand on her knee. Her anxiety made my own heart pound.

  “That day… Mom and Dad were going to see my school counselor.”

  My head spun as she stumbled around the words, and I tried to comprehend her meaning. “When? What do you mean they went to see your counselor? I don’t understand.”

  “I mean, the day they died. They weren’t on a date. I know I said they were, but they really had an appointment with Mr. Lindstrom. I’d gotten into big trouble right before Christmas. I got high at school. Not just me—there were a few of us—but I was the only one who got caught.” She blew out a breath. “I wanted to get caught. Mrs. Walker wanted to expel me, but instead, she agreed to several counseling sessions with my parents.”

  “But…” I pressed my cool hands against my hot cheeks. I remembered David’s so-called meetings when I was out of town. And his calendar. The dates with Sarah. My pulse raced out of control. Why didn’t he just tell me the truth? “You said they were—”

  “I know what I said.” Maddie’s voice cracked. “I lied. I was mad and hurt, and I knew Mom wanted to get back together with Dad. She never got over him, and then you came along.”


  “And then I came along?” My mouth went dry as the implications of what she’d said sank in.

  Maddie swiped the back of her hand across her cheek. “Mom was so depressed. She’d lost weight. She didn’t care about anything. Even my dancing made her sad because she had to pretend everything was normal, and it wasn’t. So I quit. I realized the only thing that would make her smile again would be if you weren’t in the picture anymore. So I did what I did—and then they were gone.” She went quiet for a moment before her soft whisper broke the silence. “I-I just wanted my family back. Now they’re both dead, and it’s all my fault.”

  My heart thundered in my ears like the crescendo of some tragic opera. I heard her speaking, but the words didn’t make sense. “So they weren’t—and he never—he really did love me?” I choked out a sob.

  Maddie brushed a few more tears from her cheeks. “He did. He loved you. I’m really sorry if I—”

  “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Every angry word she’d uttered since the day I’d met her flooded back with a vengeance. Every sideways glance, every temper tantrum, every malicious grin burned into the back of my eyelids. I blinked and saw them staring back at me. Reconciling that person with the girl I’d grown to care for seemed impossible. “You took him from me. He was already gone, but you took what few memories I had of him and tainted them with your lies. I’ve been so angry with him when he didn’t do anything wrong.” Tears fell freely from my eyes as I stared past her, out the driver’s side window. A young couple pushing a stroller along the sidewalk caught my attention. He had his arm over her shoulder, and she was laughing at whatever he’d said. I would never have that.

  Maddie eased the Cayenne to a stop at a red light three blocks before the hospital. I couldn’t wait to be out of the car. Away from her lies. Away from the memories dredged up simply by her proximity.

  “I’m sorry. I know it was a horrible thing to do, and I shouldn’t have done it. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of, Alex. And I-I can only say I’m sorry.”