Shattered Dreams

by Linde Lean

  When Ryan walked into Jenny’s room, she was laying on her side turned way from the door as if even in sleep she chose to reject anyone coming in.

  When one of the nurses came in to take her blood pressure, they disturbed her and Jenny slowly came awake, her eyes went to Ryan, who was seated next to the bed.

  Jenny took in his informal attire, wearing his favorite faded jeans with a dark blue T-shirt, accentuating his well-built body. He looked exceedingly handsome, his hair freshly washed and his face smooth after his shave. Ryan’s male scent and aftershave caused her to yearn for him, just to be held in his strong arms again.

  To lay her head on his chest and to hear his steady heart beat. But Jenny so badly needed to shut him out. She could no longer be part of his life. This was not fair, how was she going to do it? Her voice when she spoke was muted, but unnaturally harsh.

  “What are you doing here? I know you are busy at the office and I’m sure you have more important things to do than sit around here.”

  Ryan did not answered her, and it was only as she looked at him again that he took her hand and answered,

  “I am exactly where I want to be for now.” Ryan settled back into the chair.

  Jenny gave an impatient shrugged of her shoulder and a deep sigh.

  “Well I cannot imagine what you are going to do here the whole time!” Jenny persistent, because she wanted him to leave, to leave her in peace, she felt so tired. Jenny turned onto her side, facing away from him.

  She’d seen his laptop, and heard him open it up and start it up. He was obviously not going anywhere!

  Jenny lay still, feeling nice and warm now. She heard the rustle of the papers that Ryan was working on and his fingers on the laptop keyboard as he worked. He did not receive any calls on his mobile, and she assumed that he’d switched if off and was only working from his e-mail.

  Ryan always received a lot of calls on his mobile, which was never far from him, even when he went out. Sometimes she would listened with interest at the negotiations that took place and the astronomical sums of money that was discussed so casually, as if buying a property for Millions and then re-developing it, and profits in the Billions on these developments, was an insignificant sum that were discussed.

  Jenny fell asleep again, the sedative that they gave her doing their work.

  When she woke up, the silence in the room immediately alerted her to Ryan’s absence! She felt lost, but then she told herself to grow up, is that not what she had told him to do. Leave her!

  But of course he did come back, coming in silently to take up where he’d left off.

  When he caught her looking at him from across her shoulder, his mouth curved into a warm smile, the tiny lines around his mouth accentuating his sensual lips. The lines around his eyes crinkled in that all familiar way.

  “I popped down for something to eat, the food at the Cafeteria is surprisingly good.”

  She knew he was trying to elicit a response from her, but she stubbornly did not answer him and turned her head away again.

  Ryan felt his patience wearing thin, but he knew he had to hold onto it. He deserved everything she was meting out to him.

  Later the afternoon, one of the nurse’s aids walked in with two spectacular bouquets of flowers. Giving the cards to her, Jenny read the cards from his parents and the other from Mary and Mike.

  She almost broke down in tears then, but was able to hold the tears back, but not before Ryan saw the telling moisture and handed her a tissue from the bedside cabinet.

  He did not comment on the cards or the flowers, nor did he comment on the absence of anything from him.

  It was gone after eleven pm when he packed up his laptop and stood up to stretch his long frame.

  “I have to go now, Hon, sleep tight.” As he leant down to kiss her, she turned her face and his lips touched her cheek instead of her lips.

  She heard his soft sigh, and his fingers tilted her head, turning her to face him. She kept her lashes down, not looking at him, as she turn her face again, he firmly, but gently turned her face back. Compelling her to look at him and when she did, she saw tenderness, and not the annoyance she thought she would see.

  He did not break eye contact with her and with firm determination he leant forward and captured her lips, when he pulled away from her, he dropped a feather light kiss on the top of her head.

  “Sleep tight Jen.”

  She watched him leave, and only then, did she allow her tears to fall. Hell at this rate she’ll be a prune for life!

  When the ward Sister came in later, she found Jenny fast asleep but her face was blotchy from crying. Shaking her head the Sister wondered what demons this lovely young girl had, to try suicide when this man, clearly loved her.

  But she had learnt, money and success did not necessarily bring with it happiness. The most unlikely people ended up taking their lives. What a waste. She recorded on the chart that Ms. Smith had been crying and that her frame of mind was still fragile.

  The Hospital Psychologist would see her the following day.

  Ryan drove home deep in thought, recalling his visit to the doctor that morning, and he wondered how he was going to approach Jenny. Did she know or did she suspect? Surely not, if she had, was that another factor that pushed her to take such drastic action in that awful hotel room?

  What the doctor had advised him was out of concern for Jenny’s state of mind, breaking with protocol. And he only had until the morning to tell her himself.

  When Ryan arrived home he went straight to his study. Andy was staying over at his parents, he’d spoken to Andy during the day, and he’d phoned him just before Andy went to bed.

  Ryan poured himself a brandy, and adding ice he sat in the dimly lit study. His gaze on the outside garden, the sprinklers were on and he watched them idly as they sprayed the green lawns. He finished his drink and headed to the indoor swimming pool, closing the door, he slid the ‘do not disturb/occupied’ sign across the door. He undressed and in the nude, he dived into the heated pool.

  The indoor pool was surrounded by glass, with a glass dome ceiling, an extension to the old house when he was a young boy. Though modern it blended in well with the architecture of the house. The swimming pool light the only lighting Ryan had on as he swam his laps, pushing himself to the very limit, until he was exhausted. Getting out he took a towel, from the supply kept at the pool, and wrapped the towel around his hips. He ignored the toweling robes and headed to his bedroom. He took a quick shower and then fell onto his bed. He was still feeling hyperactive, and he just knew it was going to be a very long night. His thoughts were with Jenny in hospital.

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  Chapter Fifteen

  Ryan woke up still unsure how he was going to approach Jenny today, but knowing that whatever he said, chances were that he was going to upset her. Before he left for the hospital Ryan phoned the hospital and checked in on her.

  The ward Sister confirmed that she had a peaceful night, but that she’d been upset just after he left. He could hear the rebuke in her voice. Hell!

  Jenny heard Ryan’s voice in the hospital corridor as he greeted one of the staff. His low voice carried to her. She felt her stomach clench in its usual excitement.

  She felt at a definite disadvantage, when he came in, her hair needed a wash and the hospital nightshirt did nothing for her. He looked good enough to eat in his casual creams chinos with matching cream cotton shirt.

  “Morning, Honey, I’ve brought your nightdress, the Sister confirmed that you would be going off the drip today.”

  He leant down and gave her a warm and lingering kiss, she did not try to avoid his mouth this time. Her response to his kiss was the only indication that she was pleased to see him. The special look that she reserved for him and that he had become accustomed to seeing in her eyes was now absent. He’d taken so much for granted. Now only realizing how much he enjoyed being the recipient in its absence.

  Ryan wanted that
look back! he couldn’t explain what that look of joy, pleasure and love, with underlying need and desire, that she always had for him, did for him.

  “Thank you.”

  Her only response, well at least it was a start, better than yesterday when she did not want to speak to him at all!

  He handed her two small beautifully wrapped gifts and advised. “This one is from Andy, the other from me.”

  Jenny slowly opened Andy’s gift for her, a tiny collectors Teddy Bear, his card read, ‘Teddy will keep you company, love Andy.’ In his broken handwriting and not quite correct spelling.

  Ryan saw her first genuine smile.

  “I will phone him to thank him.” She said softly, her words almost inaudible.

  “I am sure he is eagerly awaiting your call, he had my mother searching with him for just the right Teddy. He initially wanted an enormous one for you, but Susan convinced him that your bed was too small and that a smaller one would at least give you space to sleep.”

  Jenny then started opening his gift, the box contained the latest book from one of her favorite authors, next was a jeweler’s box, which she felt hesitant to open, but she knew she would have to, but the last thing she now wanted was jewelry.

  As the lid snapped open, she saw the most beautiful platinum and diamond ring. The stone in the middle, a large square marques, with smaller square diamonds set in criss crossing bands, like a lover’s knot. She lifted her moist eyes to him, what did this mean?

  “Jen, marry me.” His eyes looked into her shocked blue ones. He saw the shutter come down, as her lashes rested on her cheek, hiding her eyes from him.

  Just one word was softly spoken. “No.”

  He had anticipated this answer, but still the finality of it hit his heart like a punch.

  “Jen, look at the inscription.”

  Turning the ring in her now trembling fingers, Jenny read, “with love … a Fool.”

  A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. Ryan admitting that he was a fool, this must be a first.

  Ryan saw her suppress its spread. His eyes, hopeful stayed on her face. He saw a magnitude of expressions cross her face, but the last one revealed before she said a word, that she was not ready yet.

  “No, I can’t, I’m sorry.” Her voice was still quiet, her head shaking to punctuate her decision.

  “Well then take a look at your other gift.” He encouraged her.

  Jenny picked up the plain gold and platinum matching interlacing, love knot chain. “It is beautiful, but I really cannot accept it.” Jenny placed the chain back into the jeweler’s box, but Ryan stopped her.

  “Look at it Jen, turn it over.”

  Looking up at him she wondered why, but then she complied, and saw, that at the clasp, a section of the chain was untwisted and engraved, were the words, “a Fool who loves you.”

  Then Ryan took the initiative as she just kept staring at her gifts. He slipped the ring over the chain, and then leant down to fix it around her neck.

  The ring glittered like a pendant on the chain, resting in the hollow at the base of her throat where her pulse beat frantically.

  “Wear it there until you are ready to have my ring on your finger.”

  Jenny’s hand reached up to take the chain off, but Ryan stopped her, leaning down he slanted his mouth over hers, parting her lips. He felt her open up for him, and he slipped his tongue into her mouth, he kissed her with all the emotion in him.

  She felt her body give her away as she melted into his embrace and as her lips eagerly sought his. Her tongue darted into his, to explore him as he was exploring her. Just when she though her whole body would disintegrate in a warm pool of pleasure, he gently pulled away.

  A flush come to her now rosy cheeks, as she saw her hands resting on his chest and the dark haired nestled there, the buttons of his shirt undone. She couldn’t recall doing that.

  Her nipples pert and aroused, his thumb caressed her, before he closed her gown. His breath was faster than usual, matching hers.

  “If we keep this up, we will shock the nursing staff and that would never do.”

  The look in her eyes, when she glanced up at him, did things to his libido, that only she could. No other woman could with a mere look make his body react the way she could. This look, gave him hope that they could still have a future together. But now the horns of his dilemma, he had some news that he had to break to her and he was not sure what her reaction was going to be.

  Jenny, could not help herself from touching the ring, which now hung around her neck as a pendant. She had the premonition that something was about to happen, but she tried to shrug the feeling off. Perhaps it was just her own disquiet, as she felt at a loss, engaged, but not quite.

  If she did not go back home with Ryan, where would she go? She did not have the strength, to face a lonely bed-sit. Why could she not accept at face value, Ryan’s declaration of love and offer of marriage? Why is everything in her pulling her in different directions? Her strongest emotion was to say yes, but her common sense told her no. She should rather leave. She couldn’t accept that he wanted her that he would want to share the rest of his life with her. She’d been a fool to think and dream about it. His life style and status should’ve kept her in her place, even though there was a sexual chemistry between them.

  He took delight in and enjoyed her body, that one wonderful night was more than proof thereof. In so much that he was both a demanding as well as a considerate lover, she also acknowledged that her own needs and desires were equal to, and matched his.

  Feeling his intense scrutiny on her, she came out of her contemplation, to look up into his handsome face. His eyes held something impalpable. Was it uncertainty?

  He took a deep breath, and then taking her hand, he asked, “Jen, you’ve not yet asked me how we found you. Nor have you spoken about why you … why you cut your wrists…”

  Jenny felt her whole body go cold, the dark cloud that was always just hovering above her came closer.

  Ryan saw her close her eyes, and felt her pulled away from him.

  “I do not want to talk about it.”

  “The hospital Psychologist is going to see you today, it’s hospital policy, and this is going to come up for discussion.”

  Jenny still lay with her eyes closed her face once again turned away from him. He knew that he had to do it, so he started talking, telling her about the photographs he saw in court, about his shock and pain that he was sorry he could not protected her.

  He’d once, assured her, that she would be safe in his home, but he never thought that living with them could almost cost her, her life. He was thankful, and grateful to her that she was there to protect his son. He told her about the lucky break they had with the bag-lady, who saw her go into the hotel.

  He then with an emotional filled voice told her about him finding her in the bath, and that he thought he had lost her forever. He told her how much she meant to him and how much he needed her in his life. Now that he had her he could not stand to loose her again.

  “Honey,” Ryan took her hand, she just let it lay in his, a weight of rejection. Ryan tried again, “Jen, love, because you’ve been so ill, the hospital did some blood tests, just to make sure they hadn’t missed anything, that could be causing the nausea.”

  Ryan felt a slight movement in her hand, the only reaction thus far.

  ‘The blood tests came back. Honey, you are … pregnant.”

  This did bring a reaction, her whole body jerked in shock and she looked at him, the emotion, and pain reflected in her eyes, struck him, wham, in his chest!

  He then saw a bitter smile come to her lips, but she did not say anything.

  “You … Did you know you were pregnant?”

  The expression in her eyes changed, this time the dark pools of nothingness, stretched deeper and further than he knew how to reach and bring her back.

  “Yes, I knew.”

  Jenny tried to shut out his hurt expression. He must be asking why sh
e also nearly killed his child. She acknowledge that in her sub-conciseness she must’ve known she was pregnant, even though she tried to put the lack of her monthly cycle, down to stress and shock.

  She also now realized that his offer of marriage was not for her, but for his child. He had put up with Natalie in order to secure Andy, his much-loved child. Not for one moment was she under the illusion that his concern was for her, no it was for his unborn child. The dark recesses of her mind did not want her to accept life, yet.

  Ryan berated himself he thought she would be please to know that her baby was unharmed. But he took a gamble, not knowing whether she already knew she was pregnant. But if anything, he realized that her final reaction was that of a desperate woman not knowing where to turn, and rejected by all.

  Coming from where she did, she would rather see them both dead, than the little one in an institution as well! He did not blame her for anything, the blame rested firmly with him.

  Jenny would not discuss her pregnancy with him, and in the week that followed she kept her response to the minimum. When she saw the Psychologist, Ryan, was not privy to information. He found it frustrating he was again in a situation he could not control, and completely in the dark regarding Jenny.

  Ryan spent most of his time with her, at the hospital, for the week that she was kept for observation. He left late at night, and then went to his office to complete the tasks he was not able to do from his laptop at the hospital.

  The doctors, at the end of the week confirmed that she could be discharged, that physically she was fit enough to go home. But emotionally she was in a very deep depression. The doctor confirmed to Jenny, that they wanted to institutionalize her for treatment.

  That was the first time Ryan saw any form of animation on her face, and she eagerly agreed.

  He the grasped that by doing this, they would in fact be playing right into her hands. There she could withdraw from him and he would be helpless to prevent it. So he spoke to the doctor’s, and confirmed that he undertook to take care of her, that under no circumstance was she going to be institutionalized, never again in her life. Ryan would not allow it she was going home with him!