Broken

by Tanille Edwards

  “Milan, would you want to come over for dinner and spend a night?” Nana texted me.

  “Yay! I will stop home first,” I texted.

  “Home on Sunday, princess. So glaaaaad! Superhero is on his way. Save me wet kisses,” Merek texted.

  “Good, we’ll meet and have dinner,” I texted. I got in the car and rode uptown. Home was where my heart was. I shook my head. My home was empty.

  When I opened the front door, Edna was the first thing I saw. She’d taken a seat next to the welcome table.

  “Hi, Edna.” I gave a kiss on the cheek.

  “Milan,” she sat there with her mouth open as she searched for words.

  “What happened?” I asked. “Noel is home. He come today. He went straight in the back to his room. He come out for a drink of water. I ask him if he wanted something … um, he say no. I tell him your father is away on holiday with his fiancée. He hugged me. He said thank you. Then he go back to his room.”

  It seemed like the walls started to move around me. I walked away slowly. Almost at my room, I checked my watch: 5:29 p.m. I went to my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked myself in the eyes. This was real. It was like a fire drill. You kept preparing for it, but if there was a fire you didn’t know what to do.

  I climbed into the bathtub. I covered my face with all of my hair. I was channeling Cousin It with the hopes of finding an answer. Shouldn’t I go to his bedroom door and knock? No! Why hadn’t he come knocking for me? I wouldn’t even know if he had. I was breathing so heavy you’d think I’d just run a marathon, it dawned on me. I got out the tub.

  I packed my things, pretending I wasn’t crying. I had waited for him. But this was not how it was supposed to be. I looked at my watch: 6:05. More than 30 minutes had gone by and not a word. Why hadn’t he come? Hadn’t he thought of me when he came home? Fury began to rise in my heart. I returned to the mirror briefly only to fix my face.

  I grabbed my stuffed satchel. I flung open the bedroom door and made sure to set the doorknob to lock. I was close to the main hallway leading to the foyer. Nope! I passed it by. I found myself on Dimitri’s side of the apartment. I stopped and closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to think. I was going to do. I knocked. After a second, I opened the door.

  My heart started to thump in my chest, fury and all. He was quite handsome. The blood pressure in my body was rising. He had a short haircut and a thin mustache. He didn’t have that the last time I saw him. He had broad shoulders yet he was slim. He was much taller than I remembered. And he was well dressed. Something out of an AE catalog. His eyes were those of a deer caught in headlights.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Hi.” His lips moved faintly. I stood there, studying him. And he, to my surprise, I thought, he was studying me. “You?” he said.

  “I’m leaving, but I’ll be back,” I said. I closed the door behind me. In my mind I had my hands all over him. I had never experienced this before. With Merek, my feelings were patient and quiet. I liked him. But I had never felt like I had to have him. All I could think about was wrapping my arms around Noel’s neck, then down to his chest. I had to take a deep breath. I brushed my hair back with my hand, hoping to brush these thoughts away. The taste of his kiss. It ran through my mind every 60 seconds. If it wasn’t for the weird taste you get in your mouth when you wake up, I would’ve never washed my mouth again. I was being silly. How could I not wash my mouth for a total of two years? His kiss was sweeter than any candy from any shop on Fifth.

  I was secretly hoping he was behind me. I was all the way at the front door before I turned around. He wasn’t there. I held my stomach. This was so wrong. It was gone and there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

  I put on my jacket. I sat down on the chair by the welcome table and put on my rain boots I had left at the door. It wasn’t raining, but who cared? The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. I stopped in the midst of zipping my boot. I completely lost my thought when I saw him standing there.

  “I am … going out too. I’ll walk you down,” he signed and said.

  “In the elevator?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he signed and said. He walked up to me. We were no more than four inches apart. I stood up one boot half-zipped. “Milan …”

  Yes, I love you too.

  “I don’t have keys. Are there a pair of guest keys?” he signed and said.

  “Oh … in the cupboard in the kitchen. Top drawer when you first walk in on your right,” I signed and said.

  “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere,” he signed and said.

  “I would never,” I signed and said. He did a double take. When he looked back at me, he squinted his eyes. Then he turned his head sideways.

  Why hadn’t I told him that I loved him? I dug my fingers so tight into the leather of my satchel that my fingers started to burn. It was going to take all the courage I could muster to keep from hugging him or kissing him even if it was just on his cute cheek. The black leather biker jacket he put on was driving me crazy!

  He stood so close to me when we walked out the door together, I could smell him. He smelled the same. Love. That was it. I could never be with another. I had to make him mine. He leaned over me to press the button for the elevator. I turned around and leaned into him. Our lips almost kissed. It was then I remembered what Mama said. He would be back again. Had he come back for me?

  “The elevator,” he signed and said. I stood there with my back to the elevator waiting for him to do something. I studied every eyelash, every crease on his face. The memory of him. It was still cruel.

  “I—” I said.

  “It’s closing,” he signed and said. He reached past me, brushing my arm to stop the elevator doors from closing. I stepped inside. He stepped in right next to me.

  Somewhere around the 10th floor, I got the bright idea to touch his hand. He pulled it back. I looked at him. His eyebrows were angry. The elevator passed 2. I gasped for air. It was all I could do to keep from crying. The elevator doors opened. I bolted out. He grabbed my hand.

  “Milan, it’s—” he said.

  “No,” I said. I broke my arm free. I gathered my composure and smiled at the front desk man. He was new.

  I turned away from him and zipped up my coat. I sat down in the lobby and zipped my boot. Then I checked my pockets for keys. The house keys and my room keys. I didn’t want to leave. But I didn’t know what would happen if I stayed. I got into the car. I watched him walk out of the building. The car started to move. I watched him through the tinted windows as he walked down the street. “I love you,” I kept saying in my mind. Now it would never come out. The fury was back. The rhetorical questions made the rounds in my mind. Why hadn’t he come for me? Why hadn’t he held my hand? Why didn’t he say “I love you”?

  Chapter 22 First Day After Holiday Break

  It was odd how all the classrooms on the third floor had changed. Seniors now had lockers on the third floor. The classrooms were now high-tech versions of a formal dining room. Every classroom I’d been in featured a long rectangular red wooden table with three or four flower arrangements on top. Each chair cushion was etched with the school emblem. The place settings were a powder blue complete with a school pencil case and an iPad. All materials for class had been preloaded onto the iPad.

  Then, underneath the iPad was a set of instructions on how to join the Mac universe. The semester theme was innovation: adapt or die. Our entire semester’s textbooks existed on one page full of scannable barcodes that would allow the iPads to download the books.

  I’d never felt so behind on a first day of school before. Why didn’t they send us an email with pre-work?

  I had AP Bio with Cara. She sat at the head of the table right next to me. Something about her was a little off today. I wondered if it was the pink patent-leather Mary Janes and the white socks. Knee-high socks in the dead of winter? Strange. Plus, she was extra friendly. She was bordering on bubbly, in fact! I found myself talking to he
r nonstop. Until she announced she was moving in.

  “Where?” I asked.

  “With Dimitri,” she said. My eyes widened. I could feel myself freezing. There was a part of my brain still active. It was screaming: act cool. Act cool, Milan! I couldn’t. This was a bad time. I had still chickened out of breaking up with Merek. I was avoiding him and my feelings. All in stupid hopes that Noel would one day knock on my door. Literally! Cara, there was no time for her. When my mind remembered Daddy, my shoulders dropped. I just brushed my hair back. He was a wild card in all this. I didn’t know what his problem was. Now that he was engaged, maybe he would leave me and Noel alone.

  “Good news!” I said.

  “Very! There may be a ring in the mix. At least five carats.” Just as long as it’s not Mama’s. Suddenly I felt very ill.

  It was all so overwhelming. There was something about Cara that sometimes made me feel weird.

  “Bathroom,” I typed on the classroom message board. And, like that, I walked out. It was only seconds later I was thrust into another predicament.

  “Milan.”

  “Merek!” We were face to face. Help!

  “I have called you and texted you a hundred times,” he said.

  “Why aren’t you in class?” I asked.

  “I couldn’t sit there any longer. I needed to see you.”

  “How long have you been here?” The way he shrugged, I could tell he didn’t want to answer.

  “Give or take 15 minutes.” He hugged me. And I let myself be hugged. I had no plan. “Why haven’t you called me back?” he asked. It was difficult looking at him when he was angry. In my mind, I replayed the day we met at the Saloon in SH. I did love his smile, even though he wasn’t smiling at me anymore.

  “Merek, I think we need a break,” I said.

  “No … oh, no.” He rubbed his face. “Why did you say this?” he asked. “What happened?” he asked. I could tell him absolutely nothing.

  “I love you, but I love someone else too.”

  “Impossible. Don’t say this.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Is that why you didn’t want me to stay here for the holiday?”

  “No. It’s not like that. I knew him before we ever met.”

  “You saw him over break? That is cheating.”

  “Kind of saw. Not cheating!” I said.

  “Is he your boyfriend?”

  “No.” The truth wasn’t helping me at all.

  “This is not cool. I can’t believe you. I told you I was falling for you.”

  “I must. I want to be honest. I didn’t see him like a date. I just know I love him.”

  “How could you love him when I love you! You were with me! I knew something was wrong, you never called. Then my fortune cookie had a blank fortune. You know that is very bad luck,” he said. I hugged him. It was odd. I didn’t want to let him go. It was so easy to want to break up when he was not in front of me. “I have no future.”

  “Don’t say that, Merek. It’s just a little break.” I couldn’t make it final. Even in my heart, I didn’t want it to be final. Almost as much as he didn’t.

  “Don’t hug. This is a mistake, Milan!”

  “Fortune cookies don’t mean anything.”

  “My brother told me a blank fortune is bad luck. This is bad luck.”

  “My friend’s dad’s company prints millions of fortunes a year.”

  “Don’t break up.” He held my hand and pulled me close to him. I found it hard to breathe. I had to turn away from him. I felt the tears.

  “Just for now.” He gently turned my face to his. I slowly looked at his chin, then his cute lips, then his nose, and finally his eyes. They were bogged down with worry.

  “Just a break—not a breakup.” Merek said. I watched his lips. I shook my head yes.

  “I never loved anyone before I loved you,” he said.

  I kissed him on the cheek and walked away slowly. How had I been so sure that this was the right thing to do? My heart felt relief for a second. Then it got heavy again. Then my stomach was in chaos. I wondered what that even meant—a break, this being my first break. I discreetly wiped my tears before they rolled down my cheeks.

  I went back inside the classroom. “You look flushed,” Cara said.

  “Yeah?” I sat down as calmly as possible.

  “Okay, doll face?”

  “Fine.” I smiled. Then I focused on the teacher. It was then Cara kicked me. Was she out of her mind? I looked down to find a red mark on my leg. “I scar easily. Don’t ever kick me again!” I said. Cara hugged me. I just wanted to get out of there.

  “Make sure you bring your photo ID to class. There’s an RFID on it. The scanners at the door pick up when you come and go. They also have scanners in the lunch room and at all exits. Be smart. Don’t go to lunch two periods in a row,” Ms. Amanda said. This professor was different. She looked as if she could be Winter’s old sister. I guessed that would make her thirtysomething. A quick sigh later had me back into my own terror. The “boyfriend-less wonder” is what Frenchy would call me. I was far from her man-eater ways. I’d never seen her cry over a guy. Didn’t seem like such a bad way to be.

  “I love your lip gloss, by the way,” Cara said. I looked at Cara, puzzled by her. Why had she kicked me? She didn’t even say sorry. Then that hug. Was that kindness? She looked pretty harmless right about now.

  I noticed Ms. Amanda sit down at her desk out of the corner of my eye. The girl sitting beside me stood up. I knew it was time. I took my barcode and left. I didn’t say bye to Cara because I knew I would see her later. And I still didn’t like the fact that she had kicked me.

  I was on my way to my new locker. I missed the bustling hallway traffic in school. Somehow it made me feel less lonely. I had broken up with Merek on a prayer and a wish. It only made me feel clueless about love.

  “Oh, my god!” Frenchy accosted me in the middle of the hallway. Then she edged me over to the side. I felt like I was pinned up against the wall. “I have a stalker!” she said.

  “Who?” I’d really hardly ever met any of Frenchy’s many boyfriends. Once we happened upon one in a dive coffee shop downtown—guess who picked the spot?

  “Leonardo from NYU. He is the whole reason why I applied.”

  “Does Sierra know?”

  “No … know that I’m seeing him or that I applied?”

  “Both.”

  “Whatever, Milan. He won’t stop calling me. Today he called me four times since breakfast. I checked my Twitter. He sent me 11 tweets about his hat, his outfit, what he’s thinking about us, about me, about … yesterday.”

  “Yesterday?” I asked.

  “Deep sea diving.” Frenchy smiled.

  “Wait a minute while I cringe. That is not nice. I have no idea why you call it that.”

  “Grow up.”

  “Is he your official?”

  “No … okay, yes. But we broke up. We made up yesterday but now I think he’s a stalker.”

  “Blame it on the deep sea diving.”

  “I guess it could be that good.” Was she serious? The last thing I needed was to hear about Frenchy’s romantic trysts.

  “Are you going to your locker?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “I need to.” I didn’t want to lose my assignment sheet or my mind. The more I walked, the more I missed Merek.

  Part of me was missing. I felt so miserable. It was like I left my shoes in the hallway when I left Merek. I wanted to get him back. But I wanted my old Noel back too. How much longer was I going to have to wait?!

  When I got to my new locker, it became apparent that Frenchy had been talking behind me the whole way. I put my head on her shoulder. “Let’s talk at lunch. I broke up with Merek this morning. Honestly I’m just trying to make it to the next class!”

  “Why would you ever break up with Merek?” It was then I remembered I had only told Sierra of my full intentions.

  “I don’t know.
” I buried my face in my locker. I rifled through my handbag for my lipstick. When I looked in my compact mirror, it was the same old story. Not a hair out of place. Even my eyeliner was still perfect. Inside, I was a frazzled mess. When I closed my locker, my eyes met Frenchy’s disappointed look.

  “Milan, he’s, like, perfect. You just don’t get it.” Frenchy shook her head and walked away. I followed her to gym. I now felt dumber than ever.

  This semester, we had two sets of keys, one to our lockers and one to our gym lockers. The gym locker room was complete with a sauna, showers, and massage therapy for 30 minutes once per week, and, of course, the full-length cherry wood lockers with our names engraved in platinum. What was next? Our own trailers? I certainly wouldn’t mind, though the girl’s bathroom on the sixth floor still had a special place in my heart. Sometimes a girl needed to go old school.

  Our gym uniforms hadn’t changed very much. White long-sleeved baby tees and baby blue yoga pants. “I did it,” I texted Sierra. After I changed, I went to the yoga room. I sat down on a red and white mat. Sierra put her phone down next to me. Then she sat on the mat across from me and gave me a hug. Right behind her was Frenchy.

  “Please tell Milan this is the biggest mistake ever,” Frenchy said.

  “It’s not,” I said.

  “You wouldn’t even know how to be in a relationship,” Sierra said to Frenchy.

  Frenchy checked her watch. “Nice. Only your third insult before 12. Slow day,” Frenchy said.

  “As if. What are you complaining about now?” Sierra said. Cara sat down in front of me.

  “So, did M tell you that we’re moving in together?” Cara said.

  “Excuse me!” Sierra said.

  “Next up, rings,” Cara said.

  Sierra rolled her eyes. “We’re in the middle of a real crisis today!”

  Frenchy threw her hands up in frustration. She and Sierra looked at each other and shook their heads.

  “Oh!” Frenchy looked at Cara out the corner of her eyes. “You didn’t hear that news, did you?” Frenchy finished. My head fell into my hands as I realized I couldn’t stop this from happening. The gossip train had left the station.