Treasure Fever!

by Andy Griffiths

  I couldn’t believe it. They knew already! But how? And how much did they know?

  ‘What treasure?’ I said, playing dumb.

  ‘Well, there’s a treasure worth millions and millions of dollars hidden somewhere under the school,’ said Gina.

  ‘Yeah!’ said Penny. ‘It was hidden there thousands of years ago by an evil pirate, and we’re going to find it and buy a horse farm!’

  ‘With riding trails!’ said Gina.

  Not with my treasure, you’re not, I thought, but I tried not to look too annoyed. ‘Who told you about the treasure?’ I said.

  ‘Well, it’s a secret,’ said Gina.

  ‘I promise I won’t tell anyone,’ I said.

  ‘Okay,’ said Gina. ‘It was Fiona.’

  I went straight to Fiona’s desk. She was deep in conversation with David. They were studying a book called How to Find Buried Treasure. When they realised I was standing there they both looked up. Fiona quickly shoved the book under her folder.

  ‘Yes, Henry?’ she said. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘What’s with the book?’ I asked.

  ‘Nothing,’ said Fiona.

  ‘You wouldn’t be thinking about looking for buried treasure, would you?’ I said.

  ‘Treasure?’ Fiona shook her head a little too vigorously. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘Who told you?’ I pressed.

  ‘Told us what?’ said David.

  ‘About the treasure!’

  Fiona and David looked at each other. They looked back at me.

  ‘I know you know,’ I said. ‘And you know I know you know. So you might as well tell me who told you. It will save time.’

  ‘Jenny told me,’ said Fiona. ‘But it’s a secret, so don’t tell anybody else.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said.

  I went to Jenny’s desk.

  ‘Jenny,’ I said, ‘did you happen to tell anyone about the treasure?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘You don’t think so?’ I said.

  ‘Hmmm,’ said Jenny, thinking. ‘Well, maybe I did tell one person. But just one. No more.’

  ‘Would that person have been Fiona McBrain, by any chance?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Jenny.

  ‘But why?’ I said. ‘You promised not to tell anybody else. You took an oath!’

  ‘I know,’ said Jenny, looking very apologetic. ‘I’m sorry, Henry. It just kind of came out.’

  ‘How does something like that “just kind of come out”?’

  ‘Well, she asked me what we were doing on the hill with Grant and the metal detector and I couldn’t tell her a lie. I can’t lie to a friend, Henry! But I made her promise not to tell anybody else.’

  ‘Well, she has,’ I said. ‘She told Gina and Penny, and they’re telling EVERYBODY!’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Henry,’ said Jenny. ‘You won’t make me stick a needle in my eye, will you?’

  ‘Not this time,’ I said. ‘But definitely next time!’

  Jack came up to us.

  ‘Everybody knows!’ he said. ‘Did Newton blab? I knew it. I knew we couldn’t trust him. I knew it!’

  ‘It wasn’t Newton,’ I told him.

  ‘It was me,’ said Jenny in a small voice.

  ‘I knew it!’ said Jack. ‘I knew we couldn’t trust a girl! I knew it!’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ said Gretel, coming up behind Jack and putting a large hand on his shoulder. ‘What’s that you’re saying about girls?’

  Jack looked at Gretel’s hand. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Um . . . er . . . I was just saying I knew we could trust a girl to find the treasure. They’re very good at finding things, girls . . . much better than boys.’

  ‘Are you sure that’s what you said?’ said Gretel.

  Jack nodded. ‘I’m sure I’m sure,’ he said. ‘I’m even sure that I’m sure that I’m sure that I’m sure.’

  ‘Okay,’ said Gretel, taking her hand off his shoulder. ‘That’s fine then.’

  The only thing that wasn’t fine, of course, was that now everybody knew about the treasure!

  28

  A wonderful morning

  At that moment, Mr Brainfright came into the classroom. He was soaking wet and whistling loudly. He took off his coat and shook it. The water made a big puddle on the floor. Then he hung it up.

  ‘Good morning, class,’ he said brightly. ‘And what a wonderful morning it is!’

  ‘Um,’ said Fiona, ‘I don’t want to be rude, but it’s actually not that wonderful. It’s pouring rain, there’s thunder and lightning, and it’s freezing.’

  ‘Perfect!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘I couldn’t ask for anything better!’

  ‘Are you saying you like this weather?’ Fiona clearly couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

  ‘I love it!’ said Mr Brainfright.

  ‘I hate it,’ said Fiona. ‘I love sunny weather.’

  ‘I love that too!’ said Mr Brainfright.

  ‘How can you love sunny weather and rainy weather?’ said Fiona.

  ‘I love all weather,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘It keeps life interesting.’

  ‘Not when it’s wet and cold, though,’ said Fiona.

  ‘But you’re not wet right now, are you?’ asked Mr Brainfright.

  ‘No,’ Fiona admitted.

  ‘Are you cold right now?’

  ‘No,’ said Fiona. ‘Kind of warm, actually.’

  ‘So what you’re telling me is that you’re warm and dry,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘What else is going right for you at this moment despite the fact that it’s a cold wet day?’

  Fiona shrugged.

  ‘Who can help Fiona?’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘What are some other things she has to be happy about right now?’

  ‘She has a chair to sit on?’ Jenny said.

  ‘Exactly!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘The weather doesn’t change that fact! What else does Fiona have to be grateful about, no matter what the weather is like?’

  ‘She has a desk?’ I said.

  ‘Yes!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Keep them coming!’

  ‘She’s got a body!’ said Grant.

  ‘She’s got a head!’ said Gretel.

  ‘She’s got a brain!’ said Newton.

  ‘Yes,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘And not just Fiona—you all have!’

  ‘Clive hasn’t,’ said Jack.

  ‘I’m going to tell my brother you said that,’ said Clive.

  ‘Wonderful!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Clive has a brother to whom he can tell everything! What else do you have to be grateful for?’

  ‘Arm wrestling!’ said Gretel.

  ‘Ice-cream!’ said Jack.

  ‘Bandaids!’ said Newton.

  ‘Friends!’ said Jenny.

  ‘Excellent!’ said Mr Brainfright, as the classroom lit up with a fresh flash of lightning, followed almost immediately by a peal of thunder which sounded like it was only a few metres above the roof. ‘Now repeat those things with feeling. You are grateful for them. Yell them out as if that’s really the case.’

  ‘ARM WRESTLING!’ yelled Gretel.

  ‘ICE-CREAM!’ yelled Jack.

  ‘BANDAIDS!’ yelled Newton.

  ‘FRIENDS!’ yelled Jenny.

  ‘I still can’t hear you!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Stand up on your desks and tell me again!’

  ‘ARM WRESTLING!’ yelled Gretel.

  ‘ICE-CREAM!’ yelled Jack.

  ‘BANDAIDS!’ yelled Newton.

  ‘FRIENDS!’ yelled Jenny.

  Mr Brainfright was smiling broadly. ‘That’s better!’ he said. ‘Now, keep repeating those words while everybody else gets up on their desks and yells out one of their own favourite things!’

  ‘Will we be tested on this?’ asked Fiona.

  ‘Yes,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘The happier you feel, the better your mark.’

  ‘But how will you know?’ said Fiona.

  ‘I won’t,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘
But you will.’

  ‘Huh?’ said Fiona. ‘What sort of test is that?’

  ‘The most important sort!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘But don’t take my word for it. Try it out and see for yourself.’

  Nobody needed any further encouragement.

  Every single 5C student climbed onto their desk and began yelling out their favourite thing at the top of their voice.

  ‘CHOCOLATE!’

  ‘WEEKENDS!’

  ‘MOVIES!’

  ‘COMPUTERS!’

  ‘PENGUINS!’

  ‘PONIES!’

  ‘MOTORBIKES!’

  ‘GRANDMOTHERS!’

  ‘PONIES!’

  ‘POTATO CHIPS!’

  ‘DINOSAURS!’

  ‘MUSIC!’

  ‘MUD!’

  ‘PIRATES!’

  ‘TREASURE!’

  The students were making more noise than the storm that continued to rage outside. This fact didn’t go unnoticed by Mrs Cross, who appeared at the door of the classroom, red-faced and puffing.

  ‘I’m trying to teach algebra!’ she yelled.

  ‘Now that’s one that nobody has mentioned so far,’ said Mr Brainfright.

  ‘ALGEBRA!’ yelled Fiona.

  Mrs Cross looked at Fiona. ‘You used to be such a nice, quiet girl, Fiona,’ she said. ‘What happened?’

  ‘ALGEBRA!’ Fiona shouted again.

  Mrs Cross shook her head and turned her attention back to Mr Brainfright. ‘This is all your doing!’ she scolded. ‘This was a quiet, orderly school until you arrived.’

  ‘Quiet and orderly does not necessarily mean that the students are learning anything,’ countered Mr Brainfright.

  ‘I can’t see that they are learning anything standing on their desks and yelling at the top of their voices!’ Mrs Cross cried. ‘I may be old-fashioned, Mr Brainfright, but I believe learning happens at desks, not on them. I’ll be reporting this to Principal Greenbeard. If you can’t keep order, I’m sure that he can!’

  Mrs Cross turned on her heels and marched towards the door.

  ‘ALGEBRA!’ shouted Fiona, triggering another enthusiastic round of shouting amongst the class.

  29

  A brilliant idea

  Fortunately, the sun came out at lunchtime.

  Unfortunately, Skull Island was covered with fifth-grade treasure seekers all desperately digging with sticks, rulers, pens, pencils and even their bare hands.

  Jenny, Gretel, Jack, Newton and I stood at the bottom and watched. Grant wasn’t with us. He was too busy repairing his buried-treasure detector to look for real buried treasure.

  ‘We have to stop them!’ said Jack. ‘They’re trying to steal our treasure!’

  Jenny was frantic.

  ‘I’m so sorry, so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I’ve ruined everything,’ she said. ‘They’re going to find it before we do—and it’s all my fault!’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘We’ll find it.’

  ‘Find what?’ said a voice behind me.

  I turned around.

  It was Fred.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, Fred,’ I said.

  ‘I think you do,’ he spat back.

  ‘No, I don’t!’ I said.

  ‘He does!’ said Clive.

  ‘He does not!’ said Gretel.

  ‘He does so!’ said Clive. ‘And so do you!’

  ‘No they don’t!’ said Jack. ‘They don’t know anything. And neither do I. Or Newton. Or Jenny. None of us knows anything about anything. And of all the things we don’t know anything about, we especially don’t know anything about secret buried treasure!’

  ‘Secret buried treasure, eh?’ said Fred. ‘If it’s so secret, how do you know about it?’

  Jack took a breath to reply but then stopped.

  He didn’t know what to say.

  Fred had outsmarted him.

  For a dumb guy, Fred could actually be pretty smart sometimes.

  But not as smart as me.

  I thought fast.

  Faster than I’ve ever thought in my life.

  Faster even than the speed of thought.

  And then I had a brilliant idea . . .

  The most brilliant idea I’d ever had. (At least for that morning, anyway.)

  It was an idea that would not only get Fred off our back, but would also help clear Skull Island of all the unwanted treasure seekers.

  I would tell Fred the truth. Well, sort of.

  ‘All right, Fred,’ I said. ‘You win. You’re obviously too clever for us. There is a treasure.’

  ‘I knew it!’ said Fred.

  ‘I told you so!’ said Clive.

  ‘Henry!’ said Jack.

  ‘No, Jack,’ I went on. ‘No more lies. It’s time for the truth. Principal Greenbeard buried a treasure many years ago when he was a student at Northwest Southeast Central School, and it’s still here.’

  ‘How do you know all this?’ Fred asked.

  ‘I found out about it when I got sent to his office the other day,’ I told him.

  Fred eyed me suspiciously. ‘How do I know you’re telling the truth?’

  ‘I can prove it,’ I said. ‘I’ve got a map.’

  ‘You’ve got a map?’ said Gretel, dumbfounded. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I swiped it from Principal Greenbeard’s desk when he wasn’t looking. It shows the exact location of the treasure.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell us about it?’ said Jack.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘but I didn’t want everybody to find out. I made up the stuff about it being on Skull Island to protect the real location. But it’s no use: Fred’s too clever for us.’

  ‘Since when?’ said Gretel, making a fist.

  ‘Don’t even think about it, One-punch,’ said Fred. ‘I want that map, McThrottle.’

  ‘What will you give me for it?’ I said.

  ‘It’s not so much what I will give you as what I won’t give you. If you give me the map I won’t give you a neck squeeze so hard that your head pops like a pimple.’

  ‘I’d like to see you try,’ said Gretel.

  ‘I’d like to see you try to stop me,’ said Fred.

  ‘I’d like to see you try to stop me stopping you!’ said Gretel.

  Newton was getting ready to blow his whistle.

  I put my hand over it to stop him. ‘It’s a deal,’ I said.

  ‘What?’ said Jack. ‘You double-crosser! Don’t give him the map!’

  ‘Easy for you to say,’ I said. ‘It’s not your neck that’s going to get squeezed or your head that’s going to pop like a pimple.’

  ‘But it could be very easily arranged,’ said Fred.

  ‘No, thanks,’ said Jack, shaking his head and then turning to me. ‘I thought we were friends, Henry. But I see I was wrong. I’m leaving.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Gretel, shaking her head in disgust. ‘Are you coming, Newton?’

  Newton just nodded sadly and followed Gretel and Jack down the hill.

  Jenny could barely look at me. I’d never seen her look so hurt or shocked. ‘A true friend would have told us about the map,’ she said. Then she followed the others off the hill.

  I shrugged.

  ‘You’re better off without those bozos,’ said Fred. ‘Now give me the map. I haven’t got all day, you know.’

  ‘I don’t have it here,’ I told him. ‘It’s at home. I’ll bring it tomorrow.’

  ‘Make sure you do, McThrottle,’ Fred warned. ‘First thing. Before school.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Clive. ‘Make sure . . . or else.’

  Fred and Clive laughed and headed off towards the canteen.

  I waited until they were out of sight and then went after the others.

  I had some explaining to do.

  30

  Dirty double-double crosser

  I found Gretel, Jack, Newton and Jenny in our favourite spot at the side of the basketball court.

  ‘Why are you here?’ said Jack. ‘Don’t your new f
riends want to play with you anymore?’

  ‘They’re not my friends,’ I said. ‘You are!’

  ‘Well you sure don’t act like it,’ said Gretel. ‘Real friends trust each other.’

  ‘I do trust you,’ I said.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell us about the map, then?’ asked Jenny.

  ‘Because there is no map,’ I said.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Newton was perplexed. ‘You just told Fred that you had one. If you don’t give him a map, he’s going to squeeze your neck so hard that your head will pop like a pimple.’

  ‘I’ll give him a map, all right,’ I said. ‘A fake map with the treasure marked as far away from Skull Island as possible. It will get Fred and Clive off our backs, and we’ll let everybody else know about it as well. Skull Island will be all ours again.’

  ‘Great idea, Henry!’ said Jenny. ‘I knew you weren’t really a dirty double-crosser.’

  ‘Well, actually I am,’ I said. ‘I’m going to double-cross Fred with the fake map.’

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ said Jenny, frowning.

  ‘And then, to make it even more complicated, I’m going to double-double-cross Fred by telling him that I told you all that it’s a fake map. Then we’ll be able to continue digging on Skull Island where we know the treasure really is.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Jenny. ‘You’re a dirty double-double-crosser!’

  ‘Very clever, Henry,’ said Jack. ‘But where are we going to get a fake treasure map?’

  ‘We’re going to make one, of course,’ I said.

  ‘And just how do we do that?’ said Jack.

  ‘Easy!’ I said.

  31

  How to make a fake treasure map

  1.

  Go to the art room.

  2.

  Tell the art teacher, Mrs Rainbow, that you all love art so much that you can’t wait for your weekly art lesson—you want to do it at lunchtime. She will be very happy to let you in. She loves enthusiastic students.

  3.

  To make a fake treasure map you will need:

  Paper.

  Pens.

  Cold tea.

  A candle.

  A cottonwool ball.