Breath of Life

by Sara Marion

  She laid in her bed, staring at the ceiling. She was trying to decide what kind of project she could start that would keep her busy. She couldn’t look anywhere in the room because everything was Jack’s. She needed to get rid of his stuff that he left. Items he decorated with. That’s when the idea hit her, Paxton needed to redecorate and make this place her own. She could paint and buy new items for the house. She would make it hers and only hers. It would no longer symbolize what she lost or who she shared the space with.

  She walked from room to room and made herself a list of things to change. She wanted everything changed. The biggest part of the list was for her bedroom. She couldn’t bring herself to face some of the rooms in the house so she skipped them. The spare bedrooms she left alone. No memories were held in there and she decorated them when they moved in. Going from room to room also reminded her how much cleaning needed to happen.

  Once she was finished with her list and walking through the house, Paxton spent the next couple of hours picking up cleaning supplies and groceries. She was exhausted from her trip to Wal-Mart by the time she climbed back into her car. She hated how busy it always was. She was glad to be free of that place and heading back to her house.

  She was pulling into her driveway when she noticed Duke’s truck parked out front. Paxton was confused as to why he was here waiting for her. It was getting kind of late for a social call. As she put her car in park when she pulled into the garage, she glanced at the time. It was 10:30. She opened her door and climbed out. Duke was already stumbling towards her.

  “Hey there pretty lady,” he said giving a smirk.

  “How much have you had to drink?” She smelled the alcohol on him as he leaned in to give her a hug.

  “Not much, scout’s honor.” He smiled holding up his hand. Paxton glared at him and his sarcasm.

  “You shouldn’t be driving in your condition. Give me your keys.” She snatched the keys away from him.

  “Paxi-boo what is the matter with you tonight?”

  “Don’t. Don’t use that name with me.” She turned and went inside knowing he would follow. She closed the door once he stepped inside. “You know how I feel about drinking and driving. I was a trauma surgeon dammit and I have seen my fair share of people dying because of idiots like you,” she scolded. He gave her a look like she wounded him.

  “Paxi-boo…”

  “NO! Go sit on the couch. I have groceries to bring in,” she said turning to go back to the SUV. Tears pooled once more. Ella used to call her by that name. No one else did. She didn’t want to think of Ella now.

  She opened up the back and started grabbing bags. It took her several trips before she got all of them in. On her last trip in, Duke was leaning against the counter in the kitchen. He was holding a picture frame. One that she had in the living room on the mantel.

  “I wish I could see her again,” he said in a low mumble. Paxton sighed. She did not need this right now. “Today is her birthday you know.”

  Paxton fought back tears she didn’t realize the date. It was the 3 of March. Ella was her best friend and Paxton forgot about her birthday. She placed the bag down and leaned forward hanging her head.

  “I should be celebrating with her right now,” Duke quietly said. Paxton felt a weight press down on her shoulders. Of course that’s why he got drunk.

  “I’m so sorry,” Paxton said trying to control herself. She felt Duke brush against her side. He pulled her up.

  “Quit blaming yourself. I am sorry I brought it up,” he whispered in her ear. Paxton took a deep breath trying to calm herself only she could smell the alcohol on him. It was overwhelming.

  “You need to drink some water and relax on the couch. I need to put the groceries away.” She stood up and backed away from Duke.

  Paxton wiped the tears from her face and straightened her shirt. She grabbed a glass and filled it for him. She held it out for him to take but he stared at her.

  “Quit it,” he stared at her.

  “Just take the water.”

  He grabbed it reluctantly and gulped the water down until the glass was empty. He set it down and continued to stare at her. She grabbed the glass and filled it again. She held it out. He did the same but he just stared at her throughout the whole process.

  “What?” She just wanted him to leave her alone for a few minutes.

  “You are blaming yourself. Stop, Love Bug.”

  Paxton turned around and tried to ignore him. She was very much aware that he was still watching her. She put away her cold and frozen stuff first. She didn’t want anything to spoil. Paxton avoided eye contact with Duke. She then concentrated on the rest that she had room for in the pantry. Duke didn’t move or say another word. He just watched her and folded his arms across his chest. He leaned back on the counter and crossed one leg in front of the other. She didn’t care if he stood there all day. It wouldn’t bring Ella back into their lives whether Paxton blamed herself or not.

  “I will make up the spare bedroom for you.” She started to walk past him. Duke grabbed her arm as she walked by and pulled her back.

  “Stop.”

  “No you stop!” Paxton yelled.

  Anger surged through her. She was tired and she didn’t need someone to remind her that she forgot about her best friend’s birthday or the fact that she is gone.

  “You show up at my house plastered. Fuck you for bringing up Ella! I don’t need this. I don’t need everyone walking on eggshells, I just need my life back.”

  Paxton hit Duke in the chest. He still had her by the back of her arm. She hit him again and again. The tears were falling down her cheeks. She was so angry at everyone. Her mother for her hurtful words, Jack for leaving her, Ella for not being there and Duke for showing up the way he did tonight. Duke took each hit knowing she needed to get her anger out of her system, just like he drank to get Ella out of his. After a few minutes Paxton was sobbing uncontrollably. Duke wrapped his arms around her and she sagged into his arms.

  “Shh...It’s okay,Love Bug. It’s okay.” He rocked her for a few moments before he picked her up and carried her to her room.

  He laid her down on her bed and tears were still falling down her cheeks. She was exhausted. He took off her shoes and tossed them to the side. He slowly pulled off her socks. He went to her dresser and pulled out shorts and a tank top. She was slipping away into her own world. He saw it when Jack left her and she didn’t do a thing for herself. He changed her into her pajamas he pulled out and then pulled the comforter down to get her into bed. She cried again uncontrollably. He couldn’t leave her like this. He climbed on the other side staying above the comforter and just held her. Duke felt Paxton’s breathing even and she grew more silent. She cried herself to sleep once again.

  Duke sat there and watched her sleep for a few minutes. He knew she carried around her grief and blamed everything that went wrong in the last year on herself. She didn’t cut herself any slack. He cared for her, he couldn’t deny it. They held each other together for the most part since Ella left them. Jack left her and she fell apart, not even Duke could hold the pieces together for her.

  “You deserve the world. You deserve to be happy. You are smart and beautiful. Jack was a fool walking out on you. You’re a diamond in the rough and he should never have let you go.” He kissed her on her forehead and headed to the spare bedroom across the hall.

  Paxton woke up to sunlight filling her room. She felt the warmness of it. It seemed as though it was spring time instead of winter. She sat up and stretched. She turned to face the other side of the bed. Duke was not there. She remembered falling asleep while he was holding her. She slightly panicked thinking he drove home last night. She quickly climbed out of bed and went to search for him. She didn’t bother throwing on her robe. If Duke left last night she would be furious with him. It would be senseless to risk his own life and the life of others. She clenched her fists running down the stairs.

  When she got to the landing at the bottom she was
already angry. She turned the corner and checked the living area. She checked the main floor but found him nowhere. She then thought of the spare bedrooms upstairs. She checked the first one but he wasn’t there. Anger was still building within her. If he wasn’t in the second spare bedroom she would kill him.

  She opened the door to the second spare bedroom and froze. She found him sleeping in the bed. She breathed a sigh a relief that he wasn’t dumb enough to drive again in his state last night. Her anger had disappeared as quickly as it built up. She was glad he was here and it looks like he just shed all his clothes and fell into bed. She decided to turn and head down to the kitchen. Her stomach hadn’t rumbled yet but she knew it would soon. She hadn’t been eating enough lately.

  She busied herself making pancakes and eggs. She played her music on her docking station. She began dancing around as she switched from flipping pancakes and making her eggs. It felt good making her own food again. She forgot how much she enjoyed cooking. She started singing along to the music, swaying her hips. She did a pan flip she learned from a fellow surgeon when they were stuck on a 48-hour shift. They went to the kitchen and Steve showed her how to flip pancakes. His wife was a chef and taught him several tricks. She finished the pancakes and set them in the microwave to keep warm. She put the shredded cheese over the eggs. They were just about done. Just a few minutes left to melt the cheese. She smiled and swayed to Rachel Yamagata’s sweet voice in Meet Me by the Water. She closed her eyes and hummed. She opened her eyes to check on the eggs and found Duke watching her. She gasped in surprise.

  “Didn’t mean to startle you. You looked happy for a moment. It was something I hadn’t seen in a long time.” He was leaning against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest smiling at her.

  “Did I wake you?”

  “No, the amazing smell of food did.” He smirked. “Let me get some plates. I know you cook for an army even if it’s just you.”

  She saw him walk around her to grab some plates from the cabinet. He then reached for a couple forks and knives from the drawer below. Paxton saw him set the table for her.

  Paxton scraped the eggs from the griddle and put them in a bowl. She brought the pancakes and eggs to the table. Duke went back to get syrup and butter. Paxton went to the pantry for peanut butter. She loved it on her pancakes. They sat and ate in silence. Paxton was finishing her last bites when Duke leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head to stretch out.

  “That was a very tasty breakfast. Thank you.” He looked over to Paxton and smiled.

  Paxton smiled back and finished her last bite. She wiped her mouth with her napkin. “You’re welcome.”

  “Let me clean up since you did the cooking.” He started to stand and gather the empty dishes.

  “You don’t have to. I can get it.”

  “Paxton, please it’s the least I can do to make up for last night. I’m sorry that I came over here in the state I was. More so because I know how much you hate drunk driving. I can be such an insensitive prick sometimes.”

  “I would say more like an idiot but you took care of me last night. Thank you.”

  “Breakfast was enough of a thank you,” he smiled back at her as he started running the water to do dishes. Paxton watched him. He seemed to be at ease here in her company. Paxton realized how much of a great friend he has been. He has never left her side over the last year with the exception of when she went into the institution. He even sacrificed his friendship with Jack for her. She felt a familiar tug in her belly. She hadn’t felt it in over a year.

  “I’m going to go get dressed,” Paxton announced suddenly. She needed to get away from him.

  She rushed back to her bedroom and closed the door. She slid down it and sat on the floor. She could not get involved with Duke. If it weren’t for her, he would be with her best friend right now. Jack would still be here with her and not in New York. Her mother would be happy and life would be good. Who knows, maybe her and Jack would have started thinking about kids. She shook her head. She couldn’t afford those thoughts now. She needs to move on. Duke needs to move on. Jack, well he already has. He was back in New York, where he belongs.

  Paxton got up from the floor. She needed to get ready for the day. She had a ton to do. She had to keep herself busy to keep herself from thinking of what-ifs and the past. She threw on a pair of jeans and a black V-neck. She pulled her long brown hair into a ponytail. She smoothed out her shirt looking at her reflection. She almost looked like her old self only a lot skinnier. She didn’t really have the curves she used to. Her cheeks looked sunken in and her cheekbones stuck out. Her grey eyes were hollow and dull. There was no light shining through, only guilt. No wonder everyone was worried about her. She needed to work on herself. She needed to gain some weight back. She figured maybe that would get people to think she was doing okay even though she knew she was nowhere close to being okay.

  Her phone buzzed on the dresser. She walked out to look at it.

  “Shit!”

  She was going to be late for another appointment with Dr. Keeler. She completely forgot about it. She grabbed her purse and rushed downstairs. Duke was just leaving the kitchen.

  “I have to go. I’m sorry. See you later?” She grabbed her keys from the table.

  “Yeah, I should probably go anyways now.” Duke started following her out the door.

  “Sorry to leave in such a rush. I forgot about an appointment,” Paxton explained as she climbed into her car.

  “Dinner tonight?” Duke leaned against her door.

  “Sure.” Paxton started the car. Duke stood up and waved.

  Paxton watched Duke walk to his car as she drove off. She wasn’t sure what was going on between them. She didn’t need the stress of a relationship right now, especially not Duke. She had no right to be with him let alone have him take care of her. He let her cry last night, show her frustration. He then carried her to the bedroom, changed her and just held her until she fell asleep. She shook her head. Duke cared about her too much. He even went the extra mile to be a gentlemen. He slept in the spare bedroom and even helped her by cleaning up after breakfast. Paxton couldn’t wrap her mind around it, why was he making sure she was okay? She couldn’t find an answer but found herself pulling into the parking lot outside of the hospital.

  TEN

  “How are you doing today?” Dr. Keeler asked as Paxton walked in and sat on the sofa.

  “I’ve been better,” Paxton said not knowing where they should start today.

  “How is your relationship with your mother since you moved back home?”

  “I moved out. I’m back at the cabin.”

  “I see.” Paxton felt Dr. Keeler’s gaze on her. “Isn’t that where you lived with Jack?”

  “Yes.”

  “How is that for you?”

  “It’s okay. I’m redecorating. Making it my own.”

  “What about Jack? Where is he?”

  Paxton looked away. She stared over at the window then down at her hands. She fidgeted.

  “Paxton?” Dr. Keeler’s voice was filled with concern.

  “I think he is in New York. At least that is what he said when he came to collect his things.”

  “So he is giving you space. How are you feeling about that?”

  “He left me. He is not coming back for me. I signed the papers.” Paxton couldn’t look Dr. Keeler in the eye but she knew that she was staring, waiting for more.

  “I see. You seem unsure about things. Are you regretting that you signed the papers?”

  Paxton looked straight at Dr. Keeler this time. “I had to sign. It’s what he wanted. Even if I did forgive him for walking out on me all those months ago, he may still bring it up if we get in an argument. He can forgive me and say he loves me but he can’t forget. I can’t forget.”

  “So if the roles were reversed and you said you forgave Jack and he was pushing you away, what then? How would you react to that?”

  “I don’t want
to talk about it.” Paxton was getting uncomfortable with where this was headed. Trying to think about the roles being reversed was too hard. She just kept seeing herself make the mistakes, not Jack.

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  Paxton felt the need to control this conversation as best as she could.

  “You know I used to think that my father’s death was the worst thing that could ever happen to me but at the same time, it was also the night where Ella and I became dependent on each other.”

  “I see.”

  “After Ella and I graduated, we both got into the same college. We made sure of it. We bought a small house and I remember we made every decision together. She still was the wild child and I was more of the mother-hen but it balanced you know?” Paxton paused. She wasn’t sure where she was steering this conversation but it was better than thinking about Jack right now. “We would check in on my mother once a week but without my mother watching us, the roles in our friendship changed.”

  “Did you still resent her from time to time when you moved in?”

  “No I had gotten passed that. I broke out of my shell every once in a while but I was still cautious about my actions. Ella toned down some after seeing how I felt but her old ways won out most of the time.”

  “Did that bother you?”

  “No, I learned to let it go. She was right. We couldn’t live a cautious life. Some nights I was so stressed out, I mimicked her. I was ready to go out a party, pull college pranks, and sometimes even go out with boys. As silly as it sounds, those were risks. I didn’t want to get attached to anyone. There was always a possibility of me losing them one day and I didn’t want to go through anything like that. I knew with my future as a surgeon I would see loss everywhere and I didn’t want my friends to end up on a table.”