Breath of Life

by Sara Marion

  “So you kept some walls up but let the rest down?” Dr. Keeler asked as she was writing something down.

  “Sort of. I would say I put on a different mask. I pretended to be someone I’m not.”

  “Like you did in the facility? Wear a mask of a mental patient?” Dr. Keeler’s question caught Paxton off guard. She didn’t respond right away. “I know that you aren’t affected by a mental disorder. I am not that blind but I let you stay because for some reason you thought it was safer for you.”

  Paxton stayed silent for a few more moments. “I suppose you can say it was like. I wore a mask in there but it was a safe place for me.”

  “Do you sometimes wish you were still locked away in that tiny room?”

  “It was safe, controlled. There would be no surprises.”

  “I see.”

  “Ella gave me more surprises than I needed. There were nights when I would come back home and a raging party would be going on. Did you know that’s how she met Duke? At one of her crazy parties?” Paxton was quick to direct the conversation elsewhere.

  “No I did not, that’s the first you mentioned it.”

  “It was at our first small house together. After they started dating we moved into a bigger place. That’s after I met Jack as well.” There was a small silence between them. Paxton had driven this conversation to memories she didn’t want to think of but it was too late. The ache in her chest began to get bigger the more she talked. Then she remembered what happened with Duke.

  “You know yesterday was her birthday? I forgot about it.” Tears threatened her eyes. She closed them and took a deep breath.

  “I’m sure with everything going on she will understand if you just call her.”

  Paxton squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t need to hear that. She couldn’t call Ella because Ella wouldn’t answer her. She heard Dr. Keeler take a breath as if she were going to say something but then a buzzer went off.

  “Dr. Keeler?” A voice cam over a speaker phone. Dr. Keeler got up and picked up the phone. She spoke in hushed tones but that didn’t stop Paxton from trying to figure out what was going on.

  “I’m sorry I will have to cut this short today Paxton,” she said putting the phone back in the cradle. “I have an emergency I need to deal with.”

  “That’ fine.” Paxton stood up.

  “We will continue this next time though. I think we have made some progress but there is much more to be discussed.” She said gathering her things. Paxton picked up her purse and smiled.

  “Hope everything will be alright for you,” Paxton said remembering the times she was rushed out of places on emergency calls.

  Paxton left the hospital filled with memories of her and Ella, some good, some not so good. Paxton quickly got in her car and decided now was the time for her distraction. It was time to work on her project. She needed to ease the aches she felt.

  Her first stop was to Home Depot. It was on the west side of town by Target which was her next stop. She decided she was going to repaint the walls of the master bedroom to a gray tone. She would accent one wall with black paint. She knew it seemed depressing but it fit her mood most days. She was going to accent the room with deep reds. It would be a place for her and her only. She didn’t have to pretend with herself. She always liked the moodiness of those three colors. However when she got there to pick out her paints, the plans she made slightly changed. She decided to go with a grayish-blue color. She was drawn to it. She no longer wanted an accent wall either. She wanted her whole room decorated with this color.

  Paxton went to look at curtains. She had a sliding door that led out into a balcony and then one large window in the other wall. With her new found color she decided on a silk crimson color set. The color was darker and would go great with the paint she picked out. She already loved the curtain rods that were in there so she didn’t worry about replacing those. Next she needed to get her new comforter set. For that she decided to see what Target had. If not, she would hit up Bed, Bath and Beyond on the other side of town.

  She perused at Target for about a half hour just in the bedding section. She couldn’t find anything she liked, so she gave up and went to Bed, Bath and Beyond. She browsed the bedding section taking a look at everything. Paxton fell in love with a satin, silver comforter set as soon as she laid eyes on it. She got her sheets and several decorative pillows to go along with it. Her sanctuary was falling into place.

  After gathering a few more decorative pieces for the bedroom, she decided it was time to go home and get started on it. She was hoping to have the painting done within a couple of hours. In the mean time she would be washing her new sheet set. Tomorrow she would put it all together. She smiled at the thought.

  Paxton felt herself continue to smile on her way home. Her house, it felt weird to think of it that way but she was on her own now. Her smile faltered a little bit but she knew she had to move on, by herself. She needed to find herself again, get back on track, and rebuild her life. If she could make it appear like she was on the outside and people believed her, then maybe one day, she could really move on. She could start mending relationships and maybe make some new ones. She could start working again although she knew she would have to figure out how to get back on at the hospital if she chose to go back there. Paxton knew it was going to be a long road with all those thoughts crossing her mind. She didn’t even know where to begin but she knew that she had to start somewhere.

  ELEVEN

  Paxton finally got all her purchases inside to the kitchen. She brought the painting supplies up to the bedroom and proceeded to move all the furniture into the middle of the room. She taped up the baseboards, windows, anything that she would need. She looked at the daunting task when she was done. It had taken her a lot longer to tape off things than she thought. She decided to order some Pizza Shuttle and get started.

  She went down to the office and pick up her old 5-disc stereo player. She decided she wanted to go old school playing music. She wanted to turn off her phone and get lost in her task with no interruptions. She then dug out her binder of old mixed CDs. She laughed at some of the CDs she found. She remembered her obsession with *NSync and Backstreet Boys. She came across one labeled: Pax and El’s adventures. She hadn’t seen that one before. It must have been something Ella snuck in there. She grabbed that one and just stared at it for a few minutes. She missed her friend. She decided that would be her final CD she would put in.

  Her pizza came and it was delicious. Paxton wasn’t sure how she was going to motivate herself to get up and start painting now that she had a half a pizza in her stomach. She forced herself up however to stick the remaining half in the refrigerator and headed back up.

  Paxton changed into a ratty old tank top that was torn and some old track shorts. She tied her hair back to keep it out of her way. She hit play on the stereo and turned the music up loud. Paxton got lost in painting. She was swaying to the music and singing into her paint brush. While she was painting, she allowed herself to forget what happened, why she was here doing this. She was acting just like herself. The part of her that had been so lost for some time. She couldn’t keep the smile off her face as she painted. Memories flooded her and she welcomed them for once.

  ***

  “Paxton you should really watch out with that paint,” Ella pointed out.

  Paxton looked over at Ella and she was pointing toward Paxton’s section of the wall. Paxton looked back not finding anything wrong.

  “What are you…” Ella hit her in the face with paint.

  Paxton gasped. “You!”

  Paxton retaliated and soon there was more paint on them than the walls they were trying to do. They laughed at each other seeing how ridiculous they looked covered in the butterscotch paint they were dressing the kitchen walls in.

  “You know, butterscotch is not your color Ellie-bear,” Paxton laughed.

  “Better on me than you! Looks like you have jaundice or something,” Ella countered.

&
nbsp; They both continued to laugh. Duke and Jack walked in at that moment and set their bags on the counter.

  “Looks like you two are being very productive.” Duke pulled Ella in for a kiss.

  Paxton looked over at Jack. They met a few months ago but Paxton was still taken by him. She suddenly wished Jack would pull her in like that. He gave her a wide grin. Ella giggled making Paxton break eye contact with Jack. She smiled over at her best friend.

  They were just moving into their new house in Lawrence. They still had a few years left here and they decided to buy a house then sell it when they figured out where they were going afterwards. Ella had more than enough to make the investment since her parents left her everything. She wasn’t too worried as she figured she would have enough equity in the house by the time they sold it.

  “We thought you ladies might be hungry because you were supposed to be working at getting this kitchen finished,” Duke teased. “Besides Jack flies back tomorrow to New York. So we figured it would be nice if we all had one last dinner.” He nodded over to the grocery bags sitting on the counter.

  “You’re going to cook for us?” Ella said with excitement.

  “Well, I’m going to cook. Duke will help me.” Jack smiled as his eyes met Paxton’s. Paxton felt herself blush.

  “Yes, Jack is amazing. He beats my skills hands down,” Duke said letting go of Ella. They both started emptying the bags. Eggs, rice, chicken, crab, wonton wraps, veggies, and endless spices and sauces.

  “What are we having?” Paxton was thinking of Chinese after seeing what was laid out.

  “Chicken fried rice, orange chicken because Duke and Ella insisted you loved it, General Tao’s chicken and last but not least, crab rangoon.” He smiled as he saw Paxton’s face lift with excitement.

  “All my favorites!” Paxton squealed. She did her happy dance spewing paint around her. She stopped realizing the mess she made and laughed with embarrassment.

  “My thoughts exactly.” Ella nudged her best friend.

  “Well my pretty, pretty boys, us girls will get back to painting while you two slave away,” Ella gave a flirty smile.

  “I love it when you talk like that,” Duke teased and pulled her in for another kiss. Paxton looked away and looked down at the paint pan. She bent over and slathered more paint on her roller and began painting again.

  Jack watched her. He wanted to kiss Paxton just like Duke was to Ella but he couldn’t because they barely knew each other. He was still captivated by her beauty even though she was dressed in raggedy clothes. The way she carried herself, showed her self-confidence even though she was shy. He didn’t want to leave in the morning because that means that he wouldn’t see her again until his next break. The last time he went back it was agony not seeing her and he was only away for six weeks. He was surprised at himself for how taken he was with her because no girl has ever affected him this way. He had a feeling that Paxton felt the same way. He noticed her lingering looks and her occasional blush when he made eye contact with her.

  Duke cleared his throat. Jack turned to face him. Duke’s eyebrows shot up in curiosity. Jack shook his head and got busy preparing the meal. He occasionally heard the girls giggle over the music they had playing. He smiled every time he heard her laugh. It was one of the sweetest sounds he’s heard in his entire life. They finished cooking when the girls put the final coat of paint on.

  “You girls clean up and we’ll set the table in the other room,” Duke said as the girls went to the sink to rinse out the brushes. Jack grabbed the hot pan of chicken and brought it out to the table.

  They set out the rest of the food and started setting the table with Paxton and Ella joined them in the room.

  “Everything looks great.” Ella wrapped her arms around Duke. Their lovey-dovey stuff made Jack turn a look away. His gaze found Paxton.

  “Yeah, thank you for cooking Jack.” Paxton tried turning her attention away once again from Ella and Duke.

  “You’re welcome,” Jack replied.

  Paxton was forced to sit by Jack as Ella and Duke sat by each other on the other side of the table. Although it was a big enough table for six people, Paxton felt like she was right up against Jack’s side. Their elbows briefly brushed each other as they were getting their servings. They both smiled at each other and went back to their tasks. Paxton couldn’t believe how nervous she was but there was a sense of electricity that ran through her when Jack brushed against her elbow. Inside she was squirming wanting to touch him all over. Hell, she even thought about kissing him and how his lips would feel against hers. Her eyes went wide at that thought. She never took things that far, she hadn’t thought about boys like that in a long time.

  “Pax?” Duke noticed her eyes getting wide.

  “Huh? I’m sorry,” she said blushing not knowing if he was talking to her before or not.

  “You okay? Your eyes are about to pop out of your head.”

  Paxton blushed. If only he knew what she was really thinking. “Yeah, fine. I just realized how hungry I am and this all looks amazing!” She tried to cover her tracks.

  “Riiight.” Ella stared at Paxton letting her know that she knew Paxton was lying. Paxton pleaded silently with Ella.

  “What?” Paxton shoved a forkful of fried rice, “Mmmm…” she said trying to prove her point.

  Ella gave her a look saying they were going to talk about what she was really thinking later. They finished dinner with easy conversation and Jack said he heard from Manhattan and Topeka schools since he left in May. He was trying to decide which one he was going to teach at and at the moment he was leaning towards the Manhattan schools. Paxton smiled. If he was going to Manhattan, she would be moving back there in a few years after her residency was over. She hoped that he would pick Manhattan and then she could find excuses to run into him. Duke taught in the 383 school district so she knew that her chances of running into Jack would go up.

  After dinner they all went back into the kitchen and the girls checked on their walls as the boys started the dishes.

  “So what were you really thinking?” Ella whispered as they pretending to look at the walls.

  “Nothing. I swear.” Paxton didn’t want to discuss this with Jack only a few steps away. She turned to look over at him.

  “It was about Jack wasn’t it?!” Ella poked at her. Paxton gave her an exasperated look.

  “Let’s talk about it later. Please!” Paxton was embarrassed enough as it was.

  “He’s great eye candy,” Ella said turning and smacking her on the butt. Paxton jumped and let out a frustrated sigh. Ella was never going to let her live this down.

  The boys had finished the dishes and they decided that their walls weren’t quite dry yet. They were trying to figure out what to do but Ella protested anything that didn’t involve dancing. They finally decided to hang around the house and play board games as Jack was leaving in the morning.

  Paxton looked at her watch to check the time. They had been playing for a couple hours. “I have to get up in the morning, so I am going to retire for the night,” she said getting up and stretching.

  She stifled a yawn and Ella gave her a look asking her to stay. “Early shift,” Paxton said in response to the look.

  “Yuck,” Duke said. “I don’t know how you do it.”

  “It takes a special person.” Paxton ruffled Duke’s hair as she passed him on her way to the kitchen. She quickly set her glass in there and went back to the group.

  “Jack don’t let them cheat,” Paxton gave him a smile. Ella scoffed at the remark.

  “We do not cheat Paxi-boo. Why would you ever think that?!” She winked.

  “Because I know you!” She retorted. “Jack you have a safe flight. Let us know when you make it back.” She said turning her attention to him. She couldn’t believe his break was almost over. The next break he would come for would be over his holiday break at the end of the year.

  “Thanks, it was great seeing you again.” He stood up and pu
lled her into a hug.

  Paxton felt her heart skip a beat. Breathe, just breathe, she reminded herself. There embraced lasted longer than she expected and she could smell his earthly and woodsy scent. She closed her eyes and hoped he didn’t pull away. A few moments later he did. They both had a longing look in their eyes as if they were trying to remember every detail of each other because they couldn’t stand being away from each other.

  “Have a good night’s sleep.” He stepped away from her. Paxton stood there like a fool, still wrapped up in his arms and scent.

  “Yeah…thanks,” Paxton stood frozen in place still. She should be turned around heading to her room but her mind hasn’t come back to the present to tell her body to do just that.

  “Pax?” Ella said snapping me out of my thoughts.

  “Yeah, good night.” She finally turned around and headed out of the living room.

  She felt the flush in her cheeks as walked into her room. She was embarrassed that the embrace with Jack immobilized her. She threw herself on her bed and hid her face. She was glad that she didn’t have to see him for a while. He could forget how crazy she looked just standing there like an idiot.

  ***

  Paxton shook her head at that memory. She was brought back to the present when her disc changer changed to the last CD, the one that she had no recollection of. She went back to the paint pan that she scooted down to the last section of wall she had left to paint. She didn’t realize how much she actually painted when she lost herself in her memories. She dipped her brush in paint and started on the wall as music filled the room.

  Paxton began dancing around to the tune. The CD kept playing on her favorite songs. She dipped her brush in the paint again then attacked the wall with it, singing and dancing away. She about died laughing at the end of it but she felt a little ache in her chest at the same time.