Up for Forever

by Heather Young-Nichols

  “We’re good. Just having a little girl time.” I tried to give them the hint that we were not interested. Glancing over my shoulder, I discovered that we had a direct line of sight to the guys at the table and if any one of them were to look up, they’d see us.

  “Why don’t you let us buy you a drink?” the other guy asked with a smile that begged to be punched. Sly and slimy. He was already picturing us naked. Even more so when he picked up a piece of my hair, rolling it between his thumb and index finger.

  “Nah,” I said, “we’re good. Why don’t you two run along?” They were messing up our night and I wanted them gone. The skeevy one closest to me gave this creeptastic smile while running that same index finger down the length of my arm. I was gonna need a shower. Glancing back to the tables, I was just in time to see Sam tap Cain and point. Adam’s head snapped up right then too and the three of them hopped off their chairs to head over. “See, I’m thinking you’re going to wish you’d left in about five seconds.”

  “Hey, baby.” Cain kissed the top of Flannery’s head in that way that guys did to let others know a girl was spoken for. “What’s going on here?”

  “Sorry.” The first guy stood. “She didn’t say she was taken.”

  “You didn’t really give me a chance,” Flannery spat out.

  “Ok, but what about … ” He leaned down toward me. The whiskey on his breath hit me first. The other guy behind him just looked embarrassed now. But skeevy number one had to go and rub my arm with the back of his hand, making my skin crawl. If only it was possible to shed a layer just to get clean. I was about to let him know what was up but didn’t get the chance.

  “Back the fuck off.” Adam was suddenly taking up every available inch of space between me and the stranger. Actually, he created more by breaking that personal bubble the guys had around them. The drunk guy stumbled back, splashing his drink on his pant leg.

  I know it’s very anti-feminist to say, but it sure felt good to be taken care of by the man you loved. I was turning into a 1950s housewife.

  “Man, we can’t take you girls anywhere.” Sam pushed both of our shoulders.

  “I don’t know,” I said, smirking up at him, “he might have had potential.”

  “Right.” Flannery just loved rolling her eyes at me.

  After that bit of excitement, we decided to turn in for the night. The point of the trip wasn’t necessarily to gamble. It was really just a way for us to all hang out. But I was tired and who knew where Sam was making us go in the morning.

  Since I really did need that shower, I went directly there. Flannery also wanted to change so they went to their room saying Cain would order us all pizza. While I was in the bathroom, someone went and got us drinks from the vending machine at the end of the hall because there were a bunch of twenty ounce bottles sitting on the table. Ok, so the water pressure sucked but at least I was clean. I decided that would be good enough as I towel dried my hair.

  “Hey, Adam, can I talk to you in the hall for a minute?” I asked as soon as I was dressed.

  He nodded so we stepped out in the hall. The coolness of the air conditioner made me chilly. I folded my arms and rubbed up and down to warm them. He stood in front of me, close enough that I could reach out and touch him with next to no effort but I’d control myself.

  “What’s up?” he asked.

  “Well … I’ve decided you were right. I need to open up more. So, I’m going to try that with everyone but thought I should give you a heads up.”

  He took a half step closer to me. His body heat and my own hormones did a pretty good job of warming me right then. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m fucked up. I know this, but nothing physical happened to me. You know what I mean?” He nodded. “I’m trying. I promise I am, but it’s really hard for me to just put it all out there.” Tears started pooling in my eyes.

  Adam came even closer to cup the sides of my face so his thumbs could wipe under my eyes in case those tears fell. Since they hadn’t he ran them over my cheekbones. A little part of me melted right then. It’d been so long, too long really, since he’d touched me on purpose. Not only did that small gesture make my heart beat more rapidly but I’m not proud to say it made other things more alert as well.

  “That’s all I’m asking, Kendra.”

  I wanted him to lean in to kiss me even if it was just a quick brush of his lips against mine, but he didn’t. I knew he wouldn’t but I wanted it so badly. Trying to hide my disappointment, we went back into the room where the other three were waiting.

  Once everyone had some food and was arranged around the beds, I knew that this was an excellent opportunity. Adam’s stipulation that I open up didn’t only apply to him. I’d kept them all out of the life I lived before coming to Michigan. The TV was on but I had no idea what show was playing. I couldn’t hear it over the pounding in my ears that kept time with the thump in my chest. I didn’t even bother to check to see if any of the others were engrossed in the program. If I didn’t start now, I’d never do it.

  I don’t think I could ever explain exactly how hard it was for me to talk about myself. I didn’t mind the attention being tall or attractive got me because that was superficial. If I didn’t let anyone in, they couldn’t disappoint me. And I couldn’t disappoint them.

  “I wasn’t raped. Or molested.” My voice cut through the air. I kept my eyes glued to the screen but felt theirs on my now burning face. “Or beaten.”

  “What?” Flannery asked because I don’t think the guys could’ve said anything if they wanted to. Even Sam who made a joke out of everything wouldn’t do that here. In the two to four years I’d known them, I’d never told any of them anything significant about my life before college. There were the little things, like, yes, I went to prom. But not one thing substantial.

  “I’m not stupid, Flannery. I know what conclusions people jump to.”

  “But I never—” she tried.

  “I did,” Sam said quietly because that’s what people would think. You’re a little void of emotion and suddenly every bad thing in the world is responsible.

  “Me, too,” Cain agreed.

  Adam being the only one that hadn’t weighed in yet finally said, “Pretty much.” Then they all went back to waiting. It took a lot of effort to continue. I hadn’t let myself believe that Adam thought bad things like that had happened to me. It made sense, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to think I was damaged in that way.

  “Ok, it’s been brought to my attention recently,” my eyes quickly darted to Adam but then bore back into the wall, “that I’m not the most emotionally accessible person.”

  “I didn’t say that,” Adam protested.

  “Not in so many words but that’s what you meant. And … it’s true. Flannery got a front row seat to that realization.”

  “Kendra … ” she whispered softly and grabbed my hand.

  “But I also realize that applies to all of you because you’re my family. It’s true. I don’t let people in. And I’m going to … try to make this right. So that’s where I wanted to start.” I was blinking more than normal to keep tears or well … anything from stopping me in this new confession portion of our night. “No rape, no beatings, but I can’t put everything out there at once because I don’t think I could handle it.” I had no idea where the tears burning the backs of my eyes came from. I hadn’t cried so much in most of my life as I had in those two months and I’m counting every time my eyes watered but they didn’t let loose. Flannery scooped me up into her small yet surprisingly strong arms and squeezed.

  Just as I thought, we went right back into being normal but I felt like a sore thumb sticking out amongst all these people who had a great childhood. Even Flannery who grew up poor with a single mother had it better. She at least had love and one person who gave a crap. I felt exposed, raw, with even just that tiny look into my life.

  I told the guys to change while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth after Cain and
Flannery headed back to their room. By this time, Adam and Sam were like brothers so it wouldn’t matter much. Just as I came out, I expected to see them arguing over who would sleep on the floor and who on the bed. That’s not what I found when I flopped my butt onto my own bed.

  “Come on.” Sam reached out to Adam. “Cuddle up, honey-buns.”

  Adam laughed then climbed in next to him laying his head on Sam’s shoulder and sighed.

  “This is pretty comfortable,” Adam teased.

  “Oh my God, you two are ridiculous.” Shaking my head, I tried my hardest to keep any and all laughter under wraps because it just encouraged them.

  After turning out the lights and snuggling down into the very comfortable mattress, I could hear those two whispering like schoolgirls. Which was followed by a high-pitched yelp and a low “watch it” from Sam.

  “If you two are going to go at it, a little warning would be nice,” I said into the darkness. “I could room with the Dorsey’s or something.”

  “I’m not sure I’m Burger’s type.”

  “It has been a while so my standards aren’t very high,” Adam laughed. “Ouch, dude, those are my nuts.”

  Groaning, I rolled over, bringing a pillow with me to drown out whatever else they had to say.

  Chapter Nineteen

  My eyes opened against my will. I wanted to keep sleeping but apparently, my body had other ideas. I only knew it was morning because of the tiny slivers of light fighting their way around the curtains. Before getting up, I listened to see if anyone beat me to it. They hadn’t. So a big stretch later, I hopped up to find the most ridiculous thing.

  “Oh, I need a picture of this,” I said out loud to no one.

  In the other bed, Adam faced away from me with Sam curled around his body spooning. It took everything I had not to burst out loudly at the site of Sam holding him so tightly. About a dozen pictures later, from every possible angle, I’d decided not to let on that I saw them right away. Grabbing a new outfit, a comfy pair of shorts and a t-shirt, I went into the bathroom to change and made sure to shut the door a little too hard hoping that would be enough to wake them.

  Ten minutes later, I came out completely put together and they were sitting on opposite edges of the bed in only their underwear. Boxers and boxer briefs. I tried to keep my line of sight high because it was morning and guys had issues in the morning that Adam’s boxer briefs wouldn’t hide very well.

  “So how’d you guys sleep?”

  “Pretty good.” Sam stood, stretching to his full height before heading off to the shower.

  “You two looked so adorable this morning, I took a picture,” I said, dropping back onto my bed. “It’s one for Facebook.”

  “Let’s see it.” Adam jumped over to my bed then leaned on his side in front of me.

  Pulling the best one up, I turned my phone to him.

  “You’re not putting that on the internet.” He laughed. “What the fuck is he doing?”

  “Spooning.” I giggled back. “Maybe he thought you’ve been lonely.”

  “I have been,” he said teasingly. “I’ve definitely noticed your absence in my bed.”

  My stomach dropped and all humor left the situation. Just another reminder of how I screwed everything up.

  “You know you can have me back any time you want.” He shot me a look that told me he knew. I felt Adam’s thumb sweep gently up and down my knee. He leaned over and kissed said knee very softly and my body didn’t know how to react. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, but wanted to jump him like a horny teenager. Luckily, for my sake, Sam came out right then and it was Adam’s turn. That could’ve been humiliating and embarrassing.

  While Sam dried his hair with a towel, I grabbed my phone to show him the pictures. I could’ve predicted his response. He laughed and asked if I could make him some wallets. Then I sent it in a text to Cain and Flannery because really, they shouldn’t miss out on the fun.

  After we were all fed and packed up, Cain made the two hour drive to Michigan’s Adventure in Muskegon. We weren’t going to have time for the water park, so we just focused on the rides. It was really a great day. I think we hit each of the coasters at least once and almost nothing went without being ridden. Flannery scoffed at a couple of the bigger ones, especially the wooden coasters, but we got her on. In the end, she said she hated every one of us.

  It really was like old times. Flannery and I posed with a statue of the mascot in every way we could think that wasn’t dirty. This was a place for children so we had standards.

  The one thing she and I both bowed out of was the Rip Cord. The guys said they were riding it but there was no way in hell we were. Especially after we read the sign describing the ride. After being strapped in to a harness, the guys would be pulled up one hundred and eighty feet into the air making them parallel to the ground. Once the cord released, they would plummet that same hundred and eighty feet to swing out then back at eighty miles per hour. No freaking way. She and I stood there as they loaded up, all three at the end of the rope. I was scared for them.

  “This is crazy,” Flannery said, watching as they pulled the guys up slowly. She squeezed my hand so tightly I was afraid the bones would break.

  “They’re guys. They have to prove their masculinity and shit.”

  Right then the cord released and all three of them swung toward us then shot up to the sky. A trio of screams released making us laugh so hard we could hardly catch our breaths. We tried to figure out who was being the loudest but couldn’t. Our best guess was that each of them took turns screaming like a girl. They got off to shaky legs that had them leaning on each other just to get outside of the fencing.

  “Which one of you babies cried?” I asked, my arms folded under my breasts.

  “Hold me.” Cain dropped a lot of his weight onto his girl. Not all of it because he’d crush her. They were really playing it up for us.

  “Please, nobody cried.” Sam pushed me away.

  “Oh right, I think you might need to change your pants.” He pushed me again. “Ok, seriously, what next?”

  “Sadly, blondie,” he dropped an arm around my shoulders, “I have a plane to catch, so we need to head to Detroit.”

  “Boo.” I hated it when he left. Every. Single. Time.

  “I know, right? But work calls early tomorrow morning.”

  With the time change, Sam could take a later flight out of Michigan, get back to LA, and get to bed at a decent time. But we all hated it. After hours of driving, we made a quick stop at the Allen’s where the rest of us stayed in the car to avoid being swept up into the phenomenon known as Sam’s sisters.

  That ride was one of the most torturous of my life. On the surface, we kept everything light. Singing loudly to the music and laughing a lot. But on my left sat Adam. Every minute spent that close to him left me wishing someone would just water board me or shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails. It was that bad.

  The slightest touch of his knee against mine sent warmth throughout my body that landed firmly between my legs. I’m not proud but it had been a while. I discovered he was doing it on purpose. Looking over I found him leaning back against the door, an index finger running over his lips with a playful sparkle in his eyes. The fingers on his other hand ran down the length of my arm leaving tiny goose bumps in their wake. This was some hot nonverbal flirting.

  We were at the airport much too soon, showering Sam with hugs and kisses until he had to go. As usual, we all stood quietly watching him even though we knew he’d be back sooner rather than later. Then it was time to go home.

  Because we got back to Cain’s pretty late Adam decided to spend the night and no matter how much I wanted him in my bed, he’d be sleeping on the couch. We were taking this slow or as long as it took for me to open up. But sex with him would’ve been good, too. Instead, I laid in bed considering whether I wanted to scratch that particular itch myself. I mean … everybody does it but I hadn’t in a long time because Adam was always ready
to go. That’s one of the ways we clicked. Too well, apparently, because we were friends who fell into bed together before dating or anything. More at my insistence than his.

  Unable to fall asleep, I needed to move around and water sounded perfect. I never made it to the kitchen.

  When I got to the living room, Adam was asleep on the couch, bare chested with a thin blanket covering him to the hips. One arm was thrown over his head the other rested across his well-defined stomach. And something came over me.

  Tiptoeing over to him, I sat down, one knee on each side of his body. My eyes rolled back in my head at the almost too perfect contact. I sat there looking at him but that wasn’t enough either so my hands softly felt their way down his chest. The two things together startled him awake. I wasn’t moving lasciviously or doing anything particularly dirty. Yet it was still a very compromising position to be caught in.

  “Kendra,” his voice had that sexy groggy deepness, “what’re you doing?”

  What was I doing? “I … I don’t know.” Yet I unintentionally moved my hips just right, causing a reaction. Adam grabbed my hips to stop me. Before he could say anything, I leaned over pushing my lips to his. Initially, he kissed me back. When his tongue touched mine, my entire body melted against him. This was where I wanted to be.

  His body tensed then sat right up quickly so that I fell off him onto the other end of the couch.

  “You can’t do that.”

  “I … I’m sorry,” I said even as I ran everything back through my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong.

  “No … Kendra. We can’t do this. What the hell came over you?”

  Righting myself so that I could bring my knees under my chin, I looked him over before answering. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. You were here looking so very sexy and it’s been a long time … I just … ”

  “What? You just what? Wanted to use me? I’m not ok with that.” He hopped up off the couch, sliding into his shorts at the same time. “I know I sound like a fucking girl but I’m not going to sleep with you if we’re not together. That’s not what I want from you.” I raised an eyebrow. “Ok, it’s not all I want from you.”