Without Joy

by Calista Brace

  I stared at him with wide eyes, I didn't believe it. He looked a little nervous. I wrapped my arms around my twin brother in a big hug.

  “Thank you so much, Elm, you don't know how much this means to me,” I said. His back was stiff.

  He said “I don't like hugs.” I backed away with an apologetic smile on my face.

  Then an idea ran through my mind.

  “Follow me,” I said. Elm nodded, we ran to my room, and I pulled out a small sculpture, it was one of an elm tree. You could tell by how it was carved. It had taken me a while to master it.

  This time, he was the one to hug me. That day was the closest we had been in a long time. After that, we hung out more than normal siblings would. He never annoyed me.

  . . . . .

  I woke up sitting next to Lady Pandie; she was awake in the bed. She looked different… I don't know why. Lady Pandie stared at me; she looked like she had aged more in only seconds.

  “Are you going to be okay?” I asked her. She gave a tiny smile, and I almost let out a sigh of relief but then realized there was not a bit of happiness in it.

  She shook her head. “No Leben, I won't.” She said.

  I bit my bottom lip, I didn't know what to say. Her fingers touched her wrinkly old skin, and that's when I realized that her strong hint of green had left her skin.

  “Lady Pandie what is happening to you?” I whispered.

  She stared at me with haunting eyes. “I'm dying Leben, can't you see. I will just disappear; I have nothing to live for.” She said. She started speaking in German but still looked me in the eyes like she was talking to me. I didn't know German. I wanted to know what she said.

  She closed her eyes. I held her hand and watched her sleep. I grabbed the necklace I stole from Nate’s satchel and put it on. I let out a sigh as all feelings left me.

  I sat there holding her hand. Then I felt her hand go slack. I stared down at her, was she dead? I still held her hand. She grew paler and didn't move. Her hand was cold. I stared down at her white skin.

  I felt her pulse, there was nothing. I wanted to feel something, but I didn't know how. I didn't want to take the necklace off because I didn't want to deal with the pain.

  I let go of her hand, and it fell limp on the bed. I tucked the necklace under my shirt so nobody could see it. I walked to the bathroom and washed my hands to get rid of the lingering feeling of Lady Pandie’s dead hands.

  I know I had to pretend to be upset if Nate knew that the necklace was gone he would take it away, and I would have to really feel. I made tears fall down my face even though I didn't feel even the slightest bit of sorrow.

  The necklace felt warm against my chest. I messed up my hair to make myself looked distressed. I ran out of the room sobbing.

  I tried to be loud to catch attention. A woman ran up to me asking me what's wrong.

  I didn't answer and instead kept up my act. I could see it was working by looking at her face.

  She yelled down the hall for help, and a nurse came along with many other people.

  The nurse ran into Lady Pandie’s room.

  “She's gone,” the nurse said staring wide-eyed at the captain of the ship who was watching the scene. “She disappeared from mid-air.” the nurse said. Many people gasped and whispered.

  I kept crying feeling nothing about this.

  Sure she was gone. I believed that because the doctor had said that happened.

  Nate ran up to me. He set a hand on my shoulder, “Amaryllis” He said. I sobbed harder trying to make him think my emotions are real.

  “Oh Nate, I was there, I was just sitting there holding her hand. She died right in front of me” I said. I started to cry harder and shrugged his hand away.

  Was this really working? I could barely believe it. I could still feel nothing. Nate pulled me up and walked me to my room.

  He had his arm around me like he was worried I would drop down to the floor in an instant.

  I crawled into my bed and kept crying. He sat in a chair, and I felt his eyes stay on my back as I sobbed.

  Finally, I quitted my sobbing and pretended to fall asleep.

  I listened as he got up and I heard him leave the room shut the door, and his footsteps faded away.

  I got up from the bed and braided my hair back into its neat twist. I wiped away the tears from my face.

  I looked different, emotionless. I tilted my head to the side and gave a smile.

  Nope, it didn't look the same. I shrugged. I got into my nightgown and crawled into the bed. I fell asleep like that with no feelings to count for myself

  XXI Something Stolen

  Nate

  It was morning; I woke up with the gentle sway of the ship. I couldn't believe last night happened. I didn't have enough time to take it all in while caring for Amaryllis. I tried to hide my feelings, I didn't care for her.

  Lady Pandie died. I took in a deep breath of air, how did this happen. I got no explanation ever but instead someone I knew had died. I wanted to ask what happened but I couldn't do that to Amaryllis.

  I remember watching her as she fell asleep, her sobs fell away and she looked so emotionless as she fell asleep on the small bed.

  I hope she was alright; she really did care about Lady Pandie. Even I can admit I cared about the old snake bonder a little. Sorrow filled me, but I held it at bay. Sadness was an overwhelming feeling, not for soldiers, I thought in a memorized way.

  That was something special. It really tugged at my heart that she was gone. There was no doubt I would miss her.

  I got out of my bed and walked down to Amaryllis’ room. I opened the door to see her staring at the wall.

  “Are you okay Amary?” I asked. She looked up at me, she looked different, not in the right way. It was almost haunting me.

  “What happened already happened,” she said with a shrug and continued to stare at the wall. Something was off… But I didn't know what.

  Reading her emotions was hard. She kept her jaw straight and her body stiff. Her fingers didn't flutter around with nervousness or hold tight in sadness or anger. Instead, they lay by her side in almost a non-reactive way.

  She shifted her body then stared at me. I wanted to yell 'what is wrong with you' but said nothing.

  I would find out later. I walked out of the room without saying anything and went to the deck of the boat. The sky was dark even though it was daytime.

  The clouds were hues of black and gray. There was barely any visible light. I saw many of the crew mates look up with worried expressions.

  “What's wrong,” I asked one of them.

  The skinny man looked at me with wide eyes. His face was as red as a cherry. “The storm is coming, we knew it was soon but didn't know when.” The man said. “If we don't steer the ship the right way we will be stuck in the middle of the storm and death will be certain.” He said. Then turned away completely ignoring me and finished his work.

  I was puzzled by his words but didn't think of it much. I walked up and down the ship watching sailors run, back and forth across the deck helping their captain.

  My feet creaked against the wood floor. A man was looking through boxes on the ship making sure they were ready to stock in Ozeana and be sent to where they belong.

  I ran my hand through my hair. I was only slightly worried about the storm but not for me.

  I was worried about Amaryllis, she has already gone through so much. I do care. I closed my eyes and listened to the ocean start to rage. I told myself again. I do care. I could feel my anger well up. I let out a yell and punched a wooden crate. It broke open and tons of seeds spilled out. Many people stared at me in astonishment. I stormed away.

  I knew I cared a while ago, but I refused to admit it. The people I care about die. Never care I told myself never care. Yet I did, it would be my fault if Amaryllis died. Her blood would be in my hands.

  I stormed around the ship. People stayed away from me. They never stopped to watch my anger because they had so litt
le time. They were preparing for a massive storm.

  I watched as the gentleness of the waves licking the boat became a hard slapping in seconds. The sky billowed with clouds and thunder clapped in applause. Lightning struck like hands reaching down from the heavens trying to snatch away its victims.

  Then the rain started to poor. It pelted us like it was large rocks and the sailors and Rangers had to yell to hear over it. Many people got buckets ready to scoop the rain out of the boat.

  The captain sailed as fast as possible trying to avoid death for his entire crew and all of his passengers. People were soaked, and their boots were filled with rain water. It was pure chaos.

  I ran down to the cabins under the deck. I opened Amaryllis’ door to see her sitting on her bed calmly. She was humming something and staring at the wall. The boat rocked fiercely yet she didn't notice. Small objects like random pots and empty picture frames fell to the ground with a crash and a clatter.

  The little desk in the corner was sliding. Even the bed she was sitting on was sliding. The door slammed open and shut. She looked so peaceful and out of place.

  “Amaryllis” I yelled at her. She turned around looking emotionless but then something flashed in her eyes. Her face gave into one of panic. Something was off…

  “Nate what is happening,” she said. She looked almost semi-normal; there was no sadness in her face only fear.

  I tilted my head to the side. “It's a big storm Amaryllis, they don't know if the ship will make it” she looked scared. Something flashed in her eyes. She put her head in her hands and started to sob.

  “First Lady Pandie dies and now this” she cried out throwing her hands up. Tears ran down her eyes, but she didn't seem all that sad.

  She looked empty like everything washed out of her all at once and just left a hollow shell of who she was. She didn't look the same.

  I left the room not saying a word and leaned against the door. Once I had shut it, the sobbing had immediately stopped. Something was up, but I didn't know what it was. My eyes widened in realization.

  I ran to my room and opened up the satchel laying on my bed. No matter how hard I searched, I knew there was nothing in it other than the mirror. The sword was strapped to my side, but the necklace was missing, and I knew who had it. She was wearing it around her neck to hide the pain. How did she know about its magic?

  I stormed out to the rain. I was soaked in seconds. Crew mates screamed in panic. I couldn't stand what Amaryllis was doing to herself but now was not the time to take the necklace away from her.

  I looked up at the sky. It was so dark it looked like someone wrapped it up in velvet. Water streamed down from the heavens pounding upon us, creating panic and havoc. The boat rocked like it was being pulled in two directions. Creaking sounds grew loud, and People's voices carried through the storm.

  There was nothing we could do but try to sail faster across the ocean. We emptied buckets of water. The rock almost tipped over at one point. It took a mass effort to move it back. I used the storm as a distraction. It pounded us for a long time. More people were hurt, and the doctors had to help.

  A couple days later the raining finally slowed.

  The only reason why we didn't drown with our ship was because of the mass effort of everyone emptying the water out of our ship. We had to throw a few crates of the Rangers supplies to lighten the load.

  That was better than losing the entire ship of supplies and the people in it. Once the storm ended, most of the crew relaxed. The captain saved us by turning us away.

  It was the 8th day of the trip. Amaryllis still faked her sorrow. It killed me to let her do this, but I promised myself I wouldn't take the necklace away from her until the boat docked.

  We had one more day until we got to the Main Island of Ozeana.

  The rain finally stopped. I watched as I saw a snake slither by.

  It was the first time I had seen one of Lady Pandie’s snakes since she had died. I had wondered where they went. I thought maybe they died too.

  Once the rays of the sun faded, I had my plan ready. It was perfect. Hopefully, it wouldn't cause much emotional pain. I let out a sigh and fell asleep in my small bed.

  XXII Feeling

  Amaryllis

  I pulled my hair in a long braid. It was morning, and we had just docked our boat. I stared at myself in the mirror then looked away. Looking at myself was strange. It was different.

  I pulled the necklace under my shirt so Nate wouldn't notice. The last time he was here I could see worry and confusion in his eyes. I hope I didn't mess up my act. I walked out of the room and watched as they loaded the cargo off the docks. Nate helped. I knew this task would take all day and by the time we would actually be able to leave the boat, the light of the sun's rays would dissipate from the sky.

  I felt a small tap on my shoulder, and I turned around to see Rowan staring up at me. I had almost forgotten about the little girl. She had dealt with her sorrow in her own way. She locked herself in her room, and nobody bothered her.

  She looked me up and down. I noticed a maturity I had not seen in her before I had the necklace, was she always that way?

  “What's wrong with you,” She asked. I stared at her in awe that she could notice how strange I was acting.

  “You see things well,” I told her with a fake smile “Nothing is wrong,” I told her. I could see she didn't believe me, but she still didn't say anything else. She walked away.

  Finally, we walked off the ship. It was strange to feel the hard ground. I wasn't used to it. I knew this was a physical feeling because I could feel it but wasn't emotionally connected to it.

  Everything was strange. Nate followed behind me while Rowan was in front. A man was leading us to a place where we could stay the night. On our way, he spoke about how it was one of the most popular places to stay for Rangers with its low prices and luxuries they haven't felt in months because of their busy schedule. They always cherished their time there.

  I nodded along but didn't pay attention. The man led us into the building and up a large set of stairs to the top bedrooms. They were a good size and looked comfortable. I looked around at the open design. It was nothing like home.

  I wondered if I missed it when I didn't have the necklace. Of course, I missed home. It wasn't safe now. I would be a danger to everyone. I shrugged, it didn't matter now. I couldn't feel anything with the necklace. I touched it's cold gem. It made me feel empty and hollow. Not in a bad way but not in the right way.

  Nate walked into the room. He looked around, then looked me in the eyes. “Give it to me,” He said. I was a little confused by what he meant so I spoke my mind.

  “I don't know what you're talking about,” I said with a huff.

  “The necklace,” He said. “It's only going to hurt you more.” I finally understood. I made my face look confused.

  “I don't have a necklace, and if I did how would one hurt me,” I said.

  “You're not yourself,” He said. He walked a step closer to me.

  I backed up trying to avoid him from seeing the chain of the necklace from around my neck. He walked forward again. I let out a fake gasp of frustration. “Nate I have no idea what you're talking about, you are making no sense. Speak clearly” I said throwing my hands up.

  He nodded and stopped following me “Oh yes, sorry I'm silly,” He said. I had never heard him seem so casual and not uptight. I knew something was up.

  I nodded then turned around. I heard the door shut. I turned around to see him gone. He did not believe me, I knew it, I wanted to keep the necklace and he was going to take it from me.

  I didn't sleep all night. I sat up in my bed and watched the door as my attachment for the necklace grew. My room lit up from the view of the rising sun. I looked exhausted, and my body felt it.

  I got out of the bed and went down to the small kitchen attached to the place we stayed. Before I got there, Nate grabbed my wrist and pulled me outside. My only thoughts were he was going to take t
he necklace.

  I pulled away from him, but we were already far away from the kitchen. I let out a fake frustrated huff. “What is it now,” I said. I looked him in the eyes.

  He opened his mouth like he was going to say something but then he just stared at me. I crossed my arms like I was a little bit mad. He looked up and down my face.

  He was close enough that I could smell his breath. It smelled like Milkwood seeds and Caspberries. He stared at me for a while.

  “What,” I said trying not to get distracted.

  In only a second he came from watching me to having his lips upon mine. I didn't move a muscle. His hand went to the back of my neck and then I could see the plan of his trick. It was already too late. He used the kiss to distract me from what he was really doing.

  I felt the cold feeling of the necklace leave my chest. Then I felt it. It was a waterfall, no an avalanche! I couldn't stop it from coming. I could feel it all at once. In a single second, I felt all my emotions rush on to me.

  My legs couldn't hold me up. They collapsed under me, and I felt Nate try to hold me up. I felt tears fall down my face and my mouth was open wide in a scream. I couldn't hear myself, but I knew Nate would. I could see the worry in his eyes. Something wet dripped down my nose. It fell into my mouth with a salty metallic taste. Blood?

  The pain was so bright I couldn't see anything as memories washed over me. Fear and sorrow were the most feelings. Anger swelled deep inside. Happiness floated but then was popped by sadness. I watched as it all went by in one big rush. It pulled me in every direction, ripping my heart in two.

  My fingernails clawed into my knees, and Nate tried to cut them free. I had made my knees bleed. I could feel warm liquid drip from my ears too. I felt sweat everywhere.

  Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and couldn't move my legs. I couldn't move anything. I was staring at where I lay. Nate was yelling at me. I closed my eyes and let the black swarm. I couldn't take the pain, I couldn't take the emotion. I felt tears drip down my face even though my eyes were closed.