Without Joy

by Calista Brace

  “Will you stay until I fall back asleep?” She said. I nodded and put her cloak on top of her.

  I sat in the chair next to her bed, and she grabbed my hand.

  She looked like a child, needing someone to protect her. I knew that Amaryllis was nothing like a child.

  She knew how to take care of herself.

  Her hand was soft on mine, small too, almost breakable. I huffed quietly in laughter. I had never seen her be anything close to breakable. Though she gets beat up a lot nothing can fully break her. She is stronger than most suspect. That's probably the reason why she is still alive.

  I knew she fell asleep when her breathing slowed. She looks so beautiful with her hair spread out the way it was. A smile lay across her face again she dreamed again.

  My eyes widened. I can feel the beat of my heart. Why do I care for her? I shouldn't care. I was taught to never care again. Amaryllis always made me care.

  I had cared for Joy. But this is different, this is more. This scared me, but it also gave me a thrill. I loved Amaryllis as a friend, but never something more. That's what I thought before. And I don't know it feels different now.

  I looked at her differently. I saw more, I saw her beauty in everything she did. She made me happier.

  The scared me, I'm not supposed to be happy I'm not meant to feel like this. I pulled my hand away from hers. I rubbed my fingers trying to take away that warm feeling.

  I got out of the chair and looked down at Amaryllis. Her hand dangled from where I was holding it. She was curled up, and her other hand was under her pillow holding her head up. She looked so peaceful, so undisturbed. I let out a small sigh and turned around.

  I put my hand on the doorknob. Then I stopped. I turned around and walked up to amaryllis. I kissed her cheek, then walked back to the door.

  “I love you Amary,” I said. I smiled a little and then opened the door and walked out of the room.

  Days passed a lot like this. I tried to ignore my feelings. There was no time for emotions in the middle of a war. Emotions made you weaker not stronger. They make you vulnerable.

  I was sitting watching the waves roll by. The trip had been longer than estimated. Then I heard someone yell, “Land ahead, Structane next stop” I got up to see the land slowly come into view. It was strange to see it come out of thin air. I had never paid attention to these kinds of things.

  People were so busy loading the supplies off the ship to even pay attention what lay before them. It was a lot like Radian. But Radian was full of art. You could tell the second you got in the kingdom. Structane was full of architecture. Just by the small docks, you could see a house shaped like a boat. In fact, it looked like it could go on the water. I listened to a man speaks about how important Structane was to all of the kingdoms.

  “Structane is the reason why we have things like boats and even the houses we live in. They travel and build things that are needed for our kingdoms. They even make our beautiful wagons and carriages. They built all of the kingdoms castles too. Of course, other countries choose how they want it to look and all the decorations. They are very artistic people. In fact back, when we were building up these kingdoms Structane and Radian were going to be put as one kingdom. Structane got separated because of how they mostly only made buildings and didn't sculpt or paint or learn 50 languages at once.” He said.

  “There was so many people wanting to make that they made an entirely new kingdom for them. So we hope you all enjoy the architect of Structane because in this kingdom is where the families of Structane like to show their art involving their architect.” He said. People nodded, and I learned more than I thought I would out of these two kingdoms.

  Amaryllis came up to my side. “Hello,” She said. “You’re happy that we're back on land?” she asked.

  I gave a little chuckle. “I have never been near the water before this trip,” I said. A smile curled up on her lips.

  “You have never been anywhere before this trip.” She said. I shrugged and smiled back.

  I shrugged “that's true, but nobody knows that so let's keep it our little secret.” I said. Her smile grew.

  “Okay,” She said giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then she scurried away before I could say anything else to her.

  I was surprised, but then I told myself that her kiss didn't mean anything. It was a friendly peck on the cheek nothing else. Friends did that, right? How should I know I have never had any friends other than Joy and Amaryllis? But Amaryllis felt different than Joy, I felt something more.

  I heard Amaryllis squeal in happiness. I looked over to see her being licked and played with by a bunch of fantome foxes. I laughed, happy to see them.

  I had never been so glad in my life, never felt this way. I grabbed the necklace from my satchel and put it on for a second. Amaryllis looked up at me, but I felt nothing. I let out a small sigh. It was too much, but it was a lot like how I used to be. I pulled off the necklace and placed it back where it belonged. I took in a deep breath from the warmth that filled me again. I concentrated and got to the closest thing to an emotionless state as I could. I just didn't want to react.

  We had to wait for an hour for our horses to be delivered back to us. Amaryllis was so happy to see Zinnia and most of the Rangers left.

  A man gave us a map of the kingdom since I had misplaced our last one. It was a little worn down, but it would do.

  We got onto our horses when it was time to go. There were large amounts of land in front of us. Most were covered with Forest.

  Amaryllis stroked Zinnia's Maine. The Fantome foxes slowly followed us. I'd mostly hid my feelings. I felt much better about it.

  Amaryllis put her hair back up into a braid. I liked it down better.

  After a while, the few trees I saw grew to too many to count. I heard Amaryllis say “that is Patan forest.”

  I nodded. It was the strangest forest I had seen on the journey. But then again I think I've seen all of them.

  “Patan Forest was named after a mysterious man. He had lived in this forest before anybody else decided it was a good place to live. He changed it. You could find carvings in the bark of trees from when he lived here. And his old house is still here completely renovated by everyone who lives in this Kingdom.” Amaryllis stated

  I nodded again. I had always wondered how she stored so many facts and history in her mind. I have never been any good at that.

  I smiled when Amaryllis laughed when she giggled when the Fantome fox was following her nipping at the horse's feet.

  She yelled, “Spirit stop” With laughter. Zinnia looked really frustrated at the small fox.

  Spirit? Is that what she called him. He looks like a Spirit. Who's the fastest out of all the Fantome foxes? I think she has called this fox that before. I forgot. He was different from all the other foxes. His usual white fur coat had a tint of grey.

  I smile as the fox ran in circles around Amaryllis. He's actually taking a liking to her. I wonder why these foxes have decided to stay with us.

  Lady Pandie would have told us that one of us was bonded to them. It must be Amaryllis. I would never be bonded to something, would I?

  Patan Forest was thick with trees. It would be impossible to maneuver around if we had a wagon. At least mud didn't cover the floor. There was no danger of sinking sand in this Forest.

  We walked all day long just getting deeper and deeper in the woods. The shades of the trees covered most the Sun. It was a beautiful effect when the light shone down in rays in between the shade of all the trees. I never noticed these types of things before. The world just seems so bland. Now there's much more stuff in the world to see.

  Like how dew drop stick to the leaves of the trees. How you could see the small little frog hiding in his house. The chirping of the birds in the trees. And how small rocks would be kicked whenever you walked. How mud prints from the horse's hooves are left behind. How the sky had bright white clouds as fluffy as a pillow.

  Amaryllis was watching me with t
his strange look in her eye. “What are you doing,” She asked.

  “Nothing of importance just looking around and taking it all in,” I said.

  Amaryllis turned back around, but I heard her mumble “Never seen you do that before.”

  I ignored her and simply did what I was doing before, Rowan’s horse came up on my side I could see she was having a little trouble riding it.

  She looked anxious. “I've never ridden a horse before,” She said to me.

  “I can tell. The trick is to pretend you actually know how and just let the horse guide you. Usually, the horse will follow Zinnia, that's the name Amaryllis called her horse.” I informed her.

  She nodded then straightened her back and put her head out of her like she was some type of Soldier.

  I couldn't help but smile. I don't think I've ever laughed this much before. I had just learned to never smile, It wasn't a bad thing. It wasn't a good thing either.

  It seemed the night came quicker than I thought. Amaryllis said we only had a few more days before we got to the kingdom. Time seem to go by faster. I know it was the end of the trip, but it still felt like it was the beginning. It felt like there was going to be something more than what we already have.

  Amaryllis settle down on the dark floor. The horses had already relaxed. And the Fantome foxes couldn't sit still. Rowan lay against Amaryllis side curling up against her like a small child.

  I washed it slowly one-by-one everyone fell asleep. Rowan was the last one too. I sat and watched everyone as they slept their breathing was quiet. I listen to the sounds of the forest, the hooting of an owl, chirping of crickets, and noises that I couldn't even comprehend.

  For some reason, I couldn't fall asleep, unlike the others. Who snuggle close and get warm under their cloaks. Even the animals look to others for warmth.

  I sat farther away from the others just watching. I heard something scurry it by, and my eyes followed it. It was nothing but a single rat.

  I don't know why I was called so aware of everything that's wrong with me.

  It is only lately. Maybe it was because they felt more, so I had to stop. It was a bad habit worse than the ones that I normally have.

  I finally let my eyes closed and relaxed. I could feel sleep coming to me.

  . . . . .

  I sat quietly eating my meal. I wasn't supposed to talk. Not making a mess or fuss about anything.

  If we spoke, we would get in a ton of trouble. Joy didn't care, she would always talk and that she was talking to me now.

  “There's the world out there Nate, so many places to go so many places to see. We could go anywhere, everywhere. Can't you wait to get out of here? When you get to see the blue sky and the trees that line everywhere, they're everywhere. When you get to do something more than what we could do here. When you can accomplish something more than fighting. Where fighting doesn't take over your life. Nobody beats each other out there, well unless you're Lumine, then you are a fighter. But we won't be any more, once we go you can be whoever you want. You can do whatever you want. We can see whatever we want. Can't you imagine that Nate? I know I can.” She said she got our food, she tried to whisper, but I know the guards could hear her.

  One of them looked terribly mad. He walked over to Joy. “Were you talking girl?” he asked with an angry tone.

  She put her head down and didn't look in his eyes, “no,” she said.

  “What did you say, girl,” he asked, He looked over at me with a suspicious glance.

  “She didn't say anything guard, I mean sir,” I said standing up for Joy.

  Anger flashed his eyes. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up for my seat.

  “Don't talk back boy, do you know what happens when you speak back. Bad things happen. I'm going to show you exactly what happens when you talk back.” he said with his evil glare.

  He pulled me down the hall, but I didn't even say anything or beg for forgiveness.

  Showing weakness was an even worse consequence.

  He shoved me in the room. He shut the door and walked away. I knew he would be back. If not then it would be no punishment at all.

  I sat in the room and waiting for him to get back. It was the longest time, I could have waited all night, I wouldn't have known for there are no windows and no doors other than the one I came from.

  I knew not to fall asleep, that would just give me more punishments. I watched the door until I heard the door slam open.

  I looked up at the man. He had a whip in his hand, and I already expected my future.

  “Turn around,” he said.

  I did as he said but I wanted to flinch in fear. I was taught to never show Fear. So I didn't. I was scared but ready. I knew it was going to happen.

  It wasn't the first time.

  The first attack was to my ears, no, he wasn't going to whip my ears, but the ear-splitting sound of the whip was enough to make you question your existence.

  The second attack was on my back. The pain hit you like a lightning bolt.

  It was sharp and painful. He did this to me 10 times. Every time the speedy sound touched my ears I closed my eyes waiting for the impact.

  He left me sitting on the floor in the empty room with a torn shirt and blood covered his back.

  I didn't yell or cry or even fight back a little. At least I saved Joy from this fate again.

  I would do anything for the girl I called a friend. Even If I had nothing to do with what she did, even if it cost me my life. If I ever loved someone more, I don't know what I would do.

  XXVIII The Past

  Petunia

  I felt the earth beneath my feet. It was cold and hard. It was barely morning. The air was fresh, but there was no chirping of birds. Birds were scared of the Whispering Willow. I was too. The hard, crisp burnt line of dirt was only a foot ahead of me. Nobody in camp was awake yet. The sun hadn't even touched the sky.

  I lifted my bare foot off the ground. I kept it in the air for a while. It had been a week since I got here. I had never had the courage to set my foot down in the boundaries. What if it showed me my past? I didn't even know who I was before I was Petunia.

  What if it took my soul. No, It wouldn't. I had too much to live for; I was going to start a well-needed revolution.

  I set my foot down on the charred floor. Nothing happened. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. I picked my other foot up and set it past the line. I almost choked at what I saw. The leaves of the tree glowed with a purple hue. Everywhere I looked I was the bright purple. I felt the urge to walk into the leaves.

  I took small steps until the purple vines touched my skin. This time, I did choke. I felt something rise up within me. I grabbed my head and fell on my knees. The more I bumped into the leaves, the more I felt it. The purple goo from the vines stuck to my skin. It pulsed like a living creature. I turned around and tried to look back from the direction I had come from. I couldn't find it. I was surrounded, and there was nowhere I could go. All I saw was the purple glowing vines. I swear the entrance was only a foot behind me. I hadn't wandered that far, right?

  “Please help me” I whispered. It came out sounding like a little girl. I grabbed my head again and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I wasn't in the Whispering Willow anymore.

  The world was so big around me. I sat on the floor picking flowers. I was watching kids play. I felt the overwhelming feeling to join them. I didn't move.

  My clothes were a little worn down, and in my head, I knew I was six years old. One of the children stopped their playing. She was the same age as me. My mother liked her a lot. My mom was teaching her the things she liked best. She taught all of her children her passion, and this girl.

  The girl looked at me with her bright blue eyes. She was wearing a beautiful blue dress that matched. She seemed like an angel. My mother said she was very smart and even knew how to ride a horse. She walked over to me. The wind blew around her blond hair. My mother said she looked exactly like me. I didn't think so. Her hair
was a little lighter than my yellow blond, and her eyes were a prettier blue.

  The grass crunched under her feet. She avoided stepping on the flowers. I would have done that too.

  She held out her hand to me. I smiled. She smiled back but didn't say anything. I gave her a flower and stood up. She looked at the flower.

  She put in the pot next to me and looked back at me. “Wanna play with us,” She said.

  My smile grew wider. I was always happy. This made me even more comfortable. “Sure,” I said. She held my hand and introduced me to the other children. We ran in circles playing a game. My laughter echoed through me. Then everything seemed purple again. I saw the vines hanging down. That wasn't bad at all.

  That was a good memory. I smiled. I remember being a child. I remember laughing. I did not remember laughing unless it was a fake laugh since then. It warmed me.

  I was five again. The vines and purple faded. I stood in front of the forest. It was a massive wall of trees. We weren't allowed on this side of the woods. We were only allowed in Tamer's forest not Sundown forest.

  The forest always awed me. I had never been brave enough to enter, though. I put my strand of blond hair behind my ear. A smile was on my face. Wait till my siblings heard about this. I lifted my foot afraid to cross the boundaries. Then I set it down. When nothing scary happened I released the breath, I had been holding. I ran into the forest. I let out the bit of laughter I had been holding back. I rolled around in the leaves and climbed the trees.

  By the time I got home, I was covered in dirt, and a smile was plastered on my face. I would go here every day. I didn't dare tell mother. The purple glowing fantasy vines came back. I wasn't afraid of them anymore so I kept walking forward. Then I had a feeling that it was only getting started. It was just the beginning of the memories.

  XXIX Arrows

  Amaryllis

  It had been a couple days of stomping through the forest. I had lost my ribbon to hold up my hair so I was using vines from one of the plants. My legs felt tired because of the stomping through the mud. There had been no talk about sinking mud or sand or whatever they call it. I still was scared that it would start to pull and then suck me down into the mud. The foxes were light so they could quickly prance over the mud if they were fast enough.