The Darkest Hour: A San Diegan Novel

by S. M. Soto

  “I was gonna go surfing,” he says quietly as he shifts from foot to foot.

  My eyebrows rise in surprise. Wow. I did not see that one coming.

  “It’s my brother’s birthday today…he loved surfing. Every year for his birthday we’d head out to the beach in La Jolla and ride the waves. It was our tradition. It’s one I still like to keep on this day every year.” Even through the deep steel in his voice I can hear the emotion. It’s abundantly clear he misses his brother.

  Who wouldn’t?

  Tears spring to my eyes and I nod my head in understanding.

  “Can I come?” I find myself asking the question before I really have the chance to think it through.

  Did I seriously try to invite myself along on his yearly tradition? I need to work on my filter.

  I know this is a day to mourn his brother, but I want to be there for him. He’s had to do this alone for years—I want to give him options, let him know he doesn’t have to do this alone anymore. Not if he doesn’t want to.

  His eyebrows furrow as if he’s deep in thought. My heart pounds against the confines of my chest as I wait for him to say something—anything. I’m silently hoping I haven’t overstepped. He finally speaks, and I swear it’s the last thing I ever expected to hear him say.

  “Have you ever surfed before?”

  His question gets a small laugh out of me. I’ve never even seen the beach before coming here, let alone surfed at one. “No,” I say with a shake of my head.

  When Chase’s lip twitches into a small smile I let myself relax. He reaches for my hand and tugs lightly.

  “Come on, let’s go.”

  The drive to La Jolla from Chase’s house wasn’t too far. I stared out the window for most of the ride enjoying the scenery that continually passed by. The intensely bright sun cast warm hues of yellow across the clear blue sky. Lush green palm trees and hills that go on for miles whipped past the window as we drove. It wasn’t until we got closer to the beach that my nervousness turned into excitement. Groups of people carrying blankets and umbrellas, as well as water sporting gear, were all headed down the sidewalk toward the beach.

  After renting a surfboard, and buying gear for me, Chase finally talked me into getting into the water. Surfing was a lot harder than I originally anticipated. I would honestly like to know how everyone makes it seem like it’s so damn easy. Blue Crush with Kate Bosworth was one of my favorite movies growing up. I had expectations, I seriously thought I would be able to hop on the board right when we got in the water, and ride wave after wave. In reality, that wasn’t the case at all. Chase had to give me kiddy lessons on how to surf, starting out with me treading through the water laying stomach down on the board. To say I felt like a complete and total jackass is an understatement.

  A few rounds later, Chase tried to get me to stand on the board, which was just impossible. I had the stability of a one-legged man whenever I attempted to get on the board. After an hour or so of absolutely no progress I finally let Chase rip out on the waves on his own. It’s what he originally came out for and I just knew he was dying to get out there, so he can feel closer to his brother.

  I watched from afar, as I laid in the sand on his blanket, soaking up the San Diego sun. Bright specks of colorful umbrellas dotted the sand laden beach. Children laughed happily while building sand castles with plastic buckets and tools. Loud chatter and music from someone’s portable speakers drifted around me as the sun warmed my skin, leaving a tingle in its wake.

  He was amazing out there. The way the sun shines off his bronzed skin was magnificent, and his blonde hair somehow looked more golden under the rays of the sun. It matched the sand, glittering brightly under the sun like extravagant jewels. He rode wave after wild wave like he could do it in his sleep. After a small wipe-out, he climbed onto his board in a sitting position with his legs on either side. He made no move to get up or continue surfing, instead he just sat there. The turquoise waves bobbing beneath him and his board. I have no idea how long he sat there calmly in the water but he eventually got back up and rode the waves again.

  My thoughts suddenly drift to the first time I met Chase, and how much everything has changed between us since then.

  What would have happened if he never went for his run that day?

  What could have happened if he didn’t get to me in time?

  Or where would I possibly be right now if I drowned in that water?

  “Hey.” Chase’s breathless voice penetrates my overthinking mind. I was so lost in thought I didn’t even see him get out of the water. I shield my eyes with a hand and gaze up at Chase who’s standing above me like a Greek God. He looks like something straight out a mural with his perfect features, chiseled body, and the sun illuminating him from behind. I can’t help but sigh in contentment. I could stare at him all day and never tire of the sight. It’s shallow, because he’s so much more than his beauty. His looks are just a cherry on top of the beautiful man layered inside of him.

  “You alright? Looked like you were in the zone.”

  He drops down on the blanket next to me with a towel wrapped around his shoulders. He rests his arms on top of his knees shifting his body to face me. I shake my head afraid to voice the thoughts that were plaguing me no more than a few minutes ago.

  “I was just thinking about something,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

  “That’s scary.” He jibes playfully.

  I nudge him in the arm. “Jerk.”

  He chuckles at my feigned assault.

  “So, what had you thinking so hard?” He asks when we finally get serious. I shrug my shoulders again, looking out at the crystal blue ocean water ahead.

  “Do you ever think about dying? Like wonder what it would be like?” I can feel the heat of his stare at the side of my face but I refuse to turn and look. I can’t bring myself to see whatever expression is on his face. Chase clears his throat before speaking,

  “No. I can’t say that I have.”

  I nod my head in understanding, because that’s the answer most normal people would give, but I’m not normal. I’m the furthest thing from it.

  “I’ve always wondered what it would be like.”

  “What exactly?” he asks, confusion thick in his voice.

  “Death,” I state.

  It’s true, I’ve been abnormally intrigued by death ever since the passing of my family. At first, it started out as this small niggling feeling in the back of mind.

  Like, where did they go? Would they be happy? What would it be like for them? Then it went deeper and deeper until I started to wonder what it would be like if I died.

  Would it be easier? Would I be reunited with them? Or would I just die, and that’s the end of it?

  “Why?” Chase questions.

  I shrug because I honestly don’t know. Was I so obsessed with death because everyone I’ve ever loved has passed, or did it go deeper than that?

  I skip around his question because I don’t have an answer for him. I don’t think I ever will.

  “I tried to kill myself that day you saved me.”

  I see him flinch out of the corner of my eye and it in turn makes me feel horrible. But I don’t want to lie to him; I want him to know what my intentions were that day.

  “I know.” His voice is quiet, barely audible. I shift my gaze to his and we stare at one another, blue to blue, trying to figure each other out. I can see the question in his eyes, the why. Why would I attempt to do such a thing?

  “At first, I don’t think I realized it was intentional. I was just tired of being alone. Having no family takes its toll on you after a while, and I don’t know…I guess I just wanted the pain to stop indefinitely. It was ruling me and my life, so I wanted to rule the pain and grief. Be in control of my destiny for once.” Chase works his jaw and nods his head.

  “Took some guts.”

  My eyes widen and I shake my head at him in astonishment.

  That’s all he’s going to say? Did he not jus
t hear how low I stooped? I’m a coward.

  “Guts. Seriously?” I question him.

  He looks back out at the ocean not answering my question for a few minutes. I sit back and continue watching his profile as he stares at the waves ahead.

  “What are you afraid of, Aliza?” His question throws me. I mentally list all the things I’m afraid of and try to prioritize.

  “Uh, well I guess spiders, and snakes, most definitely snakes. I’m also really scared of clowns, they kind of freak me out ever since those clown sightings started happening—”

  Chase chuckles and I stop my phobia list mid-sentence. He shifts his gaze back to me and shakes his head.

  “No, Aliza, what are you really afraid of?” The intensity of his blue eyes burn holes through my head and I can’t find the strength to look away, even if I wanted to. It takes me a few minutes to understand his question but when I finally do I only come to one conclusion.

  “Nothing.” I whisper.

  There’s absolutely nothing I’m afraid of because I’m alone. What could I possibly have to lose, or be afraid of losing?

  Chase.

  The thought of losing him makes me heart clench in pain, and my sternum feels like it’s tearing in half.

  “What about you?” I ask turning to him. He doesn’t hesitate with his answer.

  “Death. I’m afraid of dying.” He breaks our gaze looking back out at the water.

  “I think deep down that’s everyone’s biggest fear. People can tell themselves they aren’t afraid of dying but once they hit a bit of turbulence on an airplane everything changes. They realize how much they want to live. That they aren’t ready to die.” He runs his tan hand through his golden hair before proceeding.

  “After my little brother died I read every article I could find about what it would feel like to drown. And you know what I got from that?” He asks turning back to me. I shake my head, the tears already stinging my eyes. “Some of the shit I wish I can purge from my mind, but I can’t. Drowning is one of the most torturous ways to die. And just the thought of my innocent little brother being taken that way…it fucking hurts. I can’t help but wonder; if he died in such a horrible way, what will my death look like? After all the mistakes I’ve made, I can’t even fathom what’s in store for me because I’m nowhere near innocent.”

  A few tears slide down my cheeks and I hastily wipe them away. I reach out and clasp my hand with Chase’s in support.

  “So yeah, when I say you’re brave for doing what you did. I mean it. Did I think it was stupid? Yes. Do I ever want you doing anything remotely close to that again? Hell, no.”

  I laugh and shake my head at him. Reaching out I cup one side of his face in my hand and smooth away the frown lines marring his features.

  “I promise I won’t ever do anything like that again. But I also need you to stop beating yourself up over what happened, Chase. I hate that you think you deserve to suffer for a mistake you made as an adolescent teen. It wasn’t fair of your parents to put that on you and it’s not fair to yourself now.” He nods his head but doesn’t voice whether or not he agrees with me.

  After a long day at the beach, we pack up, and head home. The drive is quiet. Both of us stuck in our heads. The urge to tell him about my family is at the tip of my tongue. Maybe then he’ll understand. And hopefully, he’ll let the blame go. That’s one thing we have in common with our pasts. The guilt.

  “My family died in a car accident three years ago.” I just say it, with no preamble or warning. I’m not sure he even heard me, but I go on anyway.

  “It was my fault.”

  With that admission, his gaze swings to mine in shock, his blue eyes full of questions. I squeeze my eyes closed, rest my head on the headrest and bite my trembling lip. My heart is a dull, painful throb in my chest. Just like it always is when I have to talk about my family. The pain is like nothing I can describe. It’s devastating. Soul crushing. All consuming.

  I continue, praying my voice won’t fail me. “I had just lost my…everything. My world. My reason for existing. I was a complete mess and everyone was worried about me. I stopped taking my parents calls, and just locked myself in my room at my house.” Blowing out a deep breath, I summon all my strength to finish. “My parents, my brother and little sister were over checking on me one night. It felt like I was being suffocated. I needed time to mourn my loss, not be coddled like some invalid. So, I forced them to leave. I yelled and screamed for them to get out and leave me alone.” My voice cracks slightly as I peek up at him through lashes that are moist again with tears. The stabbing in my heart intensifies, and I grimace in pain.

  “The weather was so bad that whole weekend. It was snowing heavily. I should’ve let them stay, but I didn’t.” My voice cracks on a hiccupping sob. The memory is a crushing pain on my chest—it’s relentless.

  Looking around the car, I realize we’re no longer driving. Chase must’ve pulled over at some point to stop and listen. I didn’t even notice. He unbuckles his seat belt, and shifts toward me, pulling me into his arms. I let his warmth envelope me. I need it if I’m going to keep going. He grips my hand in his, and squeezes. Lifting my eyes to his, I see sympathy urging me to go on.

  I clear my throat of emotion before finishing.

  “On their way home from my house they were in an accident and killed. The sheriff was unsure of how it happened, simply blamed it on the icy roads.”

  Chase’s blue eye’s never stray from mine and for that, I’m thankful. He’s my lifeline.

  “I didn’t find out until early morning the following day. The sheriff came to my front door with tears in his eyes and a painful grimace. I knew instantly something was wrong—could feel it. Even after forcing them to leave and drive home, something didn’t feel right. If I would’ve let them stay overnight, they would still be here. It’s my fault. I was so stubborn and broken I didn’t want their help; I just wanted to be left alone. I needed to heal alone.” I continue staring at him with tears streaming down my face “Don’t you get it Chase? I’m the reason they’re dead.” I sob raggedly and cover my face with my hands. He crushes me into his chest, and smooths my hair trying to comfort me.

  “Aliza, listen to me.” He dips his head toward my ear. “That wasn’t your fault. You can’t help that accidents happen, their death wasn’t your fault.” Taking my face in his hands he brushes my tears away with his thumbs searching my tear stained face with his pained blue eyes.

  “How could you possibly blame yourself? The ‘what ifs’ don’t mean anything now. Sure, you can think what if I let them stay or what if this or that, but it doesn’t change anything, Aliza. Who’s to say if you let them stay and they finally left your place, the same thing wouldn’t have happened? You have to let that guilt go, baby. Just let it go.”

  My lip trembles as the tears cascade down my face. The physical pain of the memory suddenly overwhelms me, and my body. It’s too much to handle. After some time of Chase softly caressing my hair, I find the strength to stop crying. I lean out of his hold looking up at him and whisper, “Let go with me, then. Please.”

  I feel a fresh wave of tears moisten my eyes. His jaw tenses, and his face goes hard like a stone.

  “We have completely different situations, Aliza. I really am at fault for my brother’s death. That’ll never change.”

  I open my mouth to argue, but he places his lips over mine softly, rendering me speechless. He pulls his mouth away, and I nearly cry out at the loss.

  “Let’s get you home.”

  I nod my head, there’s no use arguing. I don’t have the strength for that at the moment.

  We drive home in comfortable silence, my lids getting heavier and heavier by the second. Chase’s voice stirs me from falling asleep.

  “Earlier, you said you had lost your entire world, and needed to mourn your loss. What happened before the accident?” His eyebrows furrow on his beautiful face as he waits for me to answer.

  I clench my lids shut, sinking
my teeth into my bottom lip until I draw blood. My heart aches and more tears well behind my closed lids. This is one thing I refuse to talk about—with anyone. My heart won’t allow it. The pain is just too much. I’m not strong enough to reopen that wound, and nurse it back to health. I feel the weight of his stare on my profile. I know I should tell him, he deserves to know; but I can’t. I’m not ready.

  Without saying a word, I turn my head away from him, and look out the window. I stare blankly out of it, without really seeing anything. Instead, I’m stuck in my head, reliving the memories of my past. I don’t speak until we get back to his house. Thankfully, he lets his curiosity go, and doesn’t ask again. He doesn’t even bring up the conversation. I couldn’t be happier. We spend the rest of the day as we normally would. When we climb into bed together, with his arms around my waist, I almost forget the day was filled with sadness and wave after wave of tears.

  ***

  The next morning, Chase and I ride into work together. I’m slowly starting to become more comfortable with the stares I get from my fellow coworkers. Once word got around that I was his girlfriend everyone started treating me differently. Some are friendlier, while others are more standoffish. It bothered me at first, but now I’m starting to learn to deal with it.

  After walking hand and hand inside, Chase kisses me briefly on the lips, sending me off with a pat on my butt. My face heats in embarrassment, hoping no one else saw that.

  “It’s like watching a real-life version of Brangelina.” Sam swoons playfully, stepping beside me with Natalia in tow.

  “You do realize they’re getting a divorce, right?” Natalia questions with a raised brow.

  “Fuck off,” Sam grumbles, and I laugh so hard, tears leak out of the corners of my eyes. We go our separate ways when it’s time to start our shift.

  The rest of the workday I’m struck by how happy my life here makes me. I never in a million years thought coming here for a getaway would change my life completely. I’m still the same Aliza that I was when I came here, and yet, I’m different. I have two girls that have somehow wiggled their way into my heart, becoming my best friends, and a witty old man who has helped put my broken world back together; but most of all, I’ve found Chase. The man I’m in love with. We’re just two broken souls trying to mend together.