Deja You

by Sandoval, Lynda

  In a small town like this, she surely knew everyone. He didn’t envy her the task she’d probably faced of explaining how she wound up pregnant when she didn’t even have a boyfriend.

  But he’d save his sympathy. After how she’d treated him, she didn’t deserve it.

  When she saw him, her expression registered immediate distress, which he hated. They both knew this was going to suck, but he’d always hoped she would look at him with a very different expression in her eyes if they ever met again.

  She raised her hand nervously, and headed his way. It was mid-June, warm for the high country. She wore some sort of billowy white top and jeans. Flip-flops. As she approached, it occurred to him that she wasn’t very large for being seven months along. From behind, you wouldn’t even know she was pregnant.

  A sickening feeling bloomed inside his chest.

  Maybe this wasn’t his baby after all.

  The thought didn’t comfort him as one might expect it would.

  “Hi,” she said, as she slid into the booth. “Have you been waiting long?”

  “Only about seven months,” he said.

  She froze from the ice in his tone, color rising into her cheeks as though windburned. “Nate, God, I—”

  “Hey, Erin, honey,” said the waitress, sidling up at precisely the worst time ever. “It’s good to see you out and about. You look just adorable—you’re one of those pregnant women, lucky you. Lordy, I was an absolute cow with my kids,” she added wistfully, before shaking off the memory. “Anyway, how much longer?”

  Erin glanced furtively toward Nate. He could read her dismay at the line of conversation, but what could she do?

  Nate sat back, languidly raising an eyebrow, daring her to answer. Hell, at this point, he wanted to know, too. He tried for a calm demeanor, but beneath the table, his fists clenched.

  “Ah, just about eight weeks. Thanks.”

  His insides shook with relief. Confirmed: his kid. She must just be one of those women who carried small, probably due to her amazing physical condition.

  “You have everything all ready?”

  She cleared her throat. “Almost.”

  “Well, we can’t wait to meet him or her.” The clueless waitress smiled his way before turning back toward Erin. “I already served your friend here. But can I get you something to drink?”

  “Just water. Oh, and I guess I’ll have a glass of skim milk, too.”

  “Gotta feed that little one,” the waitress sang, as she turned and headed off.

  “Should you really do the skim thing?”

  She blew out a breath of exasperation. “Yes. I can’t gain a lot of weight. Doctor’s orders. And please don’t start watchdogging my every move. I get enough of that from everyone around here.”

  Silence descended.

  “Nice that the whole world knows everything about you and the pregnancy except the baby’s father,” he said.

  She flinched. “I didn’t know your last name,” she said, her tone low and laced tight with regret. “I looked for you. I swear. On Google and I called the hotel…but all I had was Nate.”

  “I stay there all the time,” he said.

  “Yes, and their privacy policies don’t include giving out your information to strange women, which I suppose you should be grateful for. It might’ve made things easier had I known you were a fire setter,” she snapped.

  He sighed. Again with the hostility. He harnessed flame for entertainment purposes. She was a firefighter. He got the polarity issue. But, her animosity toward his chosen profession was over-the-top and unwarranted, and he was sick of avoiding the real cause. “I’m not a fire setter. I’m a pyrotechnics engineer, and a damned good one. If you’ll recall, you didn’t want to know anything about me that night or I would’ve gladly told you. Don’t twist this around and act like I hid something from you.”

  She had the decency to look chagrined. “Sorry.”

  He scowled. “Why did you tell me you couldn’t get pregnant in the first place? Why the lie? Just to save you the trip to the donor clinic?”

  “No! It wasn’t a lie,” she said, her tone brittle. She glanced around, lowered it again. “I wasn’t trying to rope some unassuming guy into getting me pregnant, okay? No matter what you think. Please, I realize you don’t owe me any favors, but can we agree to keep our voices down?”

  She pressed shaky fingers to the middle of her forehead. Long fingers. Short, bare nails.

  Sexy.

  “This is a small town. Everyone knows everyone, and I don’t want us or our baby to be fodder for the Gulch gossip mill.”

  He inclined his head. “That’s reasonable.” Frankly, he didn’t want strangers here knowing his business, either.

  She reached across the table and touched his hand with those warm, sexy fingers, but pulled back almost immediately. “I honestly believed I couldn’t conceive. It wasn’t a lie. This pregnancy was as much a surprise to me as it is to you.”

  He scoffed.

  “It was. And when I found out, the first thing I wanted was to tell you. I’ve agonized over it for the past five months.”

  “Really,” he said, his tone dubious.

  “Yes, and I can only thank God you ended up here now. Belated, but here it is.” She spread her arms wide. “You’re going to be a father. Okay? I’m sorry you couldn’t be here for the morning sickness, the leg cramps and the smothering inquiries from my friends and family, but trust me when I say you really didn’t miss much excitement.”

  “Your perspective.”

  Her chin quivered. “What else was I supposed to do, Nate? What? Tell me.”

  He blew out a sigh of resignation. They couldn’t change the past, and he had to take her at her word. “Okay, we made a lot of mistakes from the start. Both of us. I guess my bottom line is, you shouldn’t have left without saying goodbye. I deserved more.”

  Misery molded her expression. “I know.”

  “Great. You know. So, what now?” he asked, more roughly than he’d intended.

  She bristled. “Now? Nothing.” Her tough shell slammed shut around her. “I’m not planning on milking you for financial support, if that’s what you’re stressing about.”

  “Financial support?” He could swear his ears burst into flames with the force of his rage. “Is that what you think I’m concerned about?”

  She blinked, uncertain and off-kilter from his quick flash of anger. “Well, what else? It was—” she lowered to a whisper “—a one-night stand. I don’t expect you to go down on one knee and pledge your life to me.”

  “Which I have no intention of doing,” he hissed, regretting it only slightly when he saw the hurt cloud her expression. “But, regardless of our relationship, or the lack thereof, I intend to be a part of my child’s life. I have that right.”

  Fear rolled off of her like storm clouds over the mountain range, and she rested a protective hand on her belly. “If you try to take my child—”

  “Back up one damn minute,” He splayed a palm on his chest. “I’m angry right now, yes. I have every right to be. Even you can’t deny that.”

  Standoff.

  “Okay, you’re right.” She sagged. “Sorry.”

  “Please, try to see past it all. Remember me? Nate? I’m the good guy—your words, not mine. The one you said my mom should be proud of. Does any of that ring a bell?”

  She bit the corner of her bottom lip.

  “If you honestly think I would take my baby away from his mother, then we connected even less than I imagined. In fact, we didn’t connect at all, and considering a child resulted from such a complete disconnect, that’s a damned disgrace.”

  She forced out a breath and pushed all ten fingers into the front of her hair. “No, that’s not it. We did connect, Nate.”

  His heart jumped.

  “I—I just don’t know what to think. I’m flustered and I’m scared. I never thought I’d see you again. I never thought I’d get pregnant in the first place. And then you’
re here in Troublesome Gulch. Suddenly.”

  “Surprise,” he said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his tone.

  She ignored it. “No one knows anything about you, not even my closest friends. This is all just so—”

  The waitress returned with her beverages, and they both went silent. The woman seemed to sense the seriousness of their conversation, because she didn’t indulge in any more chatter. Thank God. When she walked away, Erin finished with, “—so complicated.”

  Nate leaned forward, winding both hands around his thick, ceramic coffee mug.

  “What’s complicated about it? Introduce me to your friends any way you need to.” He flicked his hand to the side. “That part, I don’t care about. Next step, you give birth to our child. We share custody. Problem solved.” He paused, but she didn’t comment. “We’re supposedly friends, right? At least, I thought so.” He squinted off into the distance. “Then again, there was that note.”

  “Enough with the note already,” she said, her tone exasperated. “I’ve apologized. How many more times can I say I’m sorry?” She ignored the friend part altogether. “Your solution sounds pat and perfect, but the custody arrangement is impossible. I’m not sending my baby off to Las Vegas a couple times a month. Who can afford that?”

  “Our baby. And no one’s suggesting twice monthly interstate flight. Do I look like an idiot to you?”

  She lifted her chin, but her bottom lip tremored. “My career is here, and so are my friends and family. I can’t start over in Las Vegas. I don’t even want to.”

  “Not a problem, because I own my company and work all over the country.” He shrugged. “Where I’m headquartered means nothing to my clients.”

  She blinked at him. Twice. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying, I’ll move to Troublesome Gulch. Now. Before my child is born.”

  She gasped.

  He held up a hand. “Listen, you can hate me, avoid me, deny you ever begged me to make love to you, even though we both know you did.”

  Her face bloomed crimson; she cut away her glance.

  “Blame the whole fiasco on me if you have to. Whatever gets you through the day. But one thing I can guarantee you, Erin, is that my child will not grow up without a father. That is a nonnegotiable point.”

  All around them, diner business proceeded as usual while they sat cloaked in weighty, silent distress. The waitresses called orders out to the cooks, diners conversed. Silverware clinked against plates and bowls. Laughter.

  “I don’t hate you,” she said softly. “Not one single bit.”

  That admission surprised him. He took a moment to school his tone into ambivalence. “Well, there’s a bit of good news for once.”

  “And I’d never blame the whole thing on you. You should give me a little credit, too.” She studied him from beneath her long, dark lashes. “But I know I don’t deserve your credit, and I’d understand if you hated me.”

  He melted a bit, in spite of his ire. “No such luck. You’re carrying our baby, remember? I couldn’t hate you if I tried.”

  The tension in her face eased. “I’m…I’m glad. Really. And, for the last time—I hope—” she eyed him pointedly “—I’m sorry for leaving the infamous note. I was wrong. Unfair. But, you witnessed my state of mind more than anyone that night. I didn’t know how to handle—” she blew out a breath “—look, I can’t change it. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished I could. But, I’ll make it up to you. As a friend. And we are friends. Just tell me how. Please.”

  He sipped his coffee, watching her over the rim. After he’d swallowed, he set the mug back down. “Maybe, as friends and for the sake of our baby, we can call a truce, leave the past where it belongs.”

  “Deal. Thank goodness.”

  “And…” He toyed with the rim of his coffee mug, shook his head, unsure. Maybe this was too much to ask at this tenuous juncture in their relationship.

  “And?”

  Hell, what did he have to lose? “Can you help me find a place to live?”

  She worried her fingers together, considering. “That’s a reasonable request. But I have one equally reasonable condition.”

  “Name it.”

  “You didn’t ask to be a father, Nate. I have no expectations of you.” She swallowed. Twice. “If there is any chance whatsoever that you’re going to disappear in a few years, I’d rather you just did it now. Before the baby gets attached to you. Please,” she asked, in a whisper. “I don’t want our baby heartbroken.”

  Emotions from the past swamped him. He leaned in. “Erin, do you remember what I told you about my family that night?”

  Bafflement showed on her face. “Um, it was you, your mom and three sisters, your dad wasn’t involv—oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh.” He let that sink in. “I do remember my dad, for the record. I remember waiting on the front porch for his promised visits, excited, eager, my Spider-Man duffel bag packed. I remember my mom gently pulling me inside the house as the sun went down, because the bastard never showed. I remember crying myself to sleep, inconsolable. Those are the memories of my father.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He shrugged. “The point is, I would never put my child in the position my father put me and my sisters into. Never. I may not have asked to be a dad, but strange as it seems, I want this baby.”

  “I do, too,” she said, in a near whisper.

  “I want to be a parent to him. Or her. A real parent, not someone to wait for on the porch. End of story.”

  She cocked her head. “Your word of honor?”

  “Absolutely.”

  After a deep breath, she said, “In that case, I probably know of a place you can buy immediately. If it fits your needs, that is.”

  He stilled, waiting.

  “You met my friend Brody at the meeting?”

  “Yes.”

  “His wife, Faith, is my best friend, and she moved into his house when they married but hasn’t sold her condo yet.” She shrugged. “It’s small—one bedroom—but in a great area downtown, and partially furnished with the stuff that couldn’t fit at Brody’s. Plus, she really needs to sell. She’s pregnant, too. Due in September. And they have a teenage foster son who’ll be off to college before they know it.”

  He nodded once. “Perfect. Sign me up.”

  Her brows arched. “Really? You haven’t even seen the condo.”

  “Doesn’t matter. A place to live, no waiting, help out your friends. It’s a win-win.”

  She gave him an angelic smile that warmed his soul more than it probably should’ve, considering.

  “Faith will be thrilled. It’s a nice place, Nate. I promise.”

  “What matters is that I’ll be here.”

  Erin grew distant, twirled her spoon absentmindedly against the table.

  He hated to see her sad. It reminded him of that night. “Why so pensive? Seems like we’ve made some progress here.”

  She half shrugged. “I don’t know.” She bit her bottom lip. “You’re really going to uproot your life?”

  “What would you do in my place?”

  A line of worry bisected her forehead. “But what about your family? Your mom and sisters?” Her eyes widened, and she reached up to cover her mouth. “Oh no. Boomer and Thug.”

  He frowned. “What about them?”

  The ache of remorse weighed down her words. “Pets aren’t allowed in Faith’s condo building, Nate. They’re your family. I know how important they are to you.”

  True pain lanced through him, but he fought it off. Somehow, some way, it would all work out. “My child is my family, too.”

  She thought for a moment, moistening her lips with a nervous flick of her tongue. “Would it be okay if Boomer and Thug stayed at my house? I’m sure Finn would love them, though we’d have to test him with the bunny.”

  “That’s okay with you?”

  “It’s the least I can do. Plus, who knows? Maybe Faith’s condo can be a stepping stone
until you find something more suitable. At least it’ll get you here now. They’ll probably let you move in before the closing.”

  “It’s a solution at least. Thanks. As for Mom and the girls, I have regular work in Las Vegas. The way I travel, I’ll see them as much as I do now. More, because I’ll stay at their houses when I’m there, and they’ll actually feed me. And, of course, they’ll want to come here often and see the baby once he or she is born.” He hesitated, softened his tone. “Meet you.”

  She gulped. He could see the whole spiderweb of extended family layering on more complications in her mind. This was why no-strings sex was a big fat myth.

  “What are you going to tell them?”

  “No clue. I’m still reeling myself.”

  “I’m so sorry, Nate. You were good to me, and I never intended to put you in this awkward position with your family. With your life. You deserve…the total package. True love, marriage, family.” She twisted her mouth to the side. “Instead, you’re stuck with me and a baby you never wanted.”

  Strangely, despite the emotional wood chipper he’d been thrust through today, he wasn’t sorry. In a zillion scattered pieces, flailing for emotional purchase, but certainly not sorry. He reached out and covered her hand with his, ventured an encouraging, if winsome, smile. “We’ve had a bit of a rough start, but everything will be fine. You’ll see. We’re both adults, and these are modern times. Unmarried parents? Not such a big deal.”

  “No,” she murmured.

  “One thing we’re both committed to is making sure our baby knows he or she is loved and wanted. Right?”

  “Absolutely.”

  He shrugged, pulled his hand back. “Then we’re on the same page. The only page that counts.” He paused, searched her eyes. “Be in the moment, right?”

  Chapter 8

  Erin’s regular Friday lunch date with Faith rolled around a few days after Nate exploded back into her life like a bottle rocket. Everything was in fast-forward mode. He was scheduled to move in to Faith’s old condo that weekend, as a renter until they could close the sale. And she wanted to lay out the whole sordid tale for her friends before he was officially a part of their lives. So, she invited Brody, Cagney and Lexy along, with Faith’s encouragement.