The Man I Need (The Man I Need #1)

by Loretta Steel

  Several minutes later, sat beside her, sipping hot sweet cocoa I caught her staring at me.

  ‘I wish you’d let someone else take the reins for once. It can’t be good for you always trying to control everything. It’ll make you ill.’

  I shuddered at the thought. Let someone else take care of me? As if.

  I tried to finish my drink, Blake’s words cutting in every so often. If Tyler hadn’t sent him to find me then it must be Tyler himself doing this, making me paranoid. In which case I had a lot of making up to do with Blake, starting with an apology.

  But that’s not my style.

  Finally, around midnight, I closed my eyes to sleep, too tired to stay awake, too anxious to fall asleep. Guilt making me restless. I’d behaved awfully towards Blake. But only because I struggled to trust him. And who’d blame me? Tyler kidnapped me. Joe left me for another woman. Blake could hurt me too.

  BLAKE

  I understood her distrust of me, I really did. But I hated being knocked back. She was acting ungrateful and selfish. I guessed it was fear that caused it, but it didn’t sit well with me. She had a lot of making up to do.

  The text arrived as soon as I’d dropped onto the bed to close my eyes. Ezra had invited me over for breakfast in the morning. I guessed she was trying to apologize. I replied:

  See you at 9:00am.

  What she needed right now was a friend. Someone to hold on to. Someone she could rely on. When you’re stuck in mud you need someone to help you make the right decisions to get out.

  EZRA

  I awoke to a hot day filled with memories of what Blake and I had got up to in my dreams. I was still thinking of his fingers wound through my hair, his face close to mine, when I realized Madison was nowhere to be seen. I crossed the living room and entered the kitchen to find the room spotlessly clean. Just how I’d left it the night before. There was no visible sign she’d even been there. No morning coffee cup left on the table. No spilt cereal on the counter top. I panicked. Where the hell was she?

  Tyler must have come in the night and taken her, I thought. I imagined her cooped up alone and frightened in a basement somewhere and my chest tightened. My body began to shake.

  ‘Maddie? Maddie?!’

  I was screaming her name when the front door opened. A bewildered Blake entered the room, Madison in tow.

  ‘Where the hell have you been?’ I shouted at her. ‘I was about to have a panic attack.’

  ‘She was safe, with me.’

  I eyed him cautiously.

  If he was trying to make me jealous it wasn’t working.

  ‘I woke up alone and I thought Tyler had …’

  ‘Madison, Maddie, was on her way to work, which is where I have to be in an hour. I thought it would be a good idea to get to know her work pattern for-‘

  ‘The surveillance?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Maddie, you daft cow, I didn’t know where you were.’

  ‘That’s no way to speak to your best friend,’ Blake tutted, his eyes glinting in mock admonishment.

  I gave him a warning look.

  ‘If you let him get to you, which is what he wants, then he’s won. Isn’t that what you said last night?’

  Blake was right, but it took little to freak me out and Madison knew that. She should have left me a note to say she’d gone. Then I realized why she hadn’t. She’d have thought it would freak me out, finding a note on the table just like the ones he’d left.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

  ‘I’ve booked the morning off work so we can spend a few hours together. We can catch the same bus and I can walk you to work,’ she said.

  ‘You don’t have to do that.’

  ‘I want to.’

  ‘I think you should take her up on the offer,’ said Blake.

  I froze when I caught the look of annoyance in his icy green eyes.

  ‘I know I’ve been … difficult … but …’

  ‘Pah,’ said Maddie.

  ‘Okay, I’ve been a bitch.’

  ‘Language,’ said Blake, the distaste at my use of wording was obvious without him having to say it.

  ‘Sorry sir,’ I said, aiming for sarcastic.

  ‘You will be,’ he said, without a flicker of regret.

  ‘Blake, I …’

  ‘I know you’re scared, but you have two people here who care about you, and I think you need to accept that we’re here for you no matter what.’

  ‘Okay.’

  He smiled.

  ‘I won’t let anything happen to you. To either of you,’ he said eyeing us both until we nodded our heads.

  In the early morning sun filtering in through the half-open curtains two faint lines became visible on his face as he smiled. It was the only signature of his age imprinted on his skin. The old adage age is nothing but a number suddenly seemed less important then. I’d assumed he must have been at least ten years older than my twenty-five years, but with his angular features and strong jawline, I could have been wrong. His age showed in the way he spoke to me too. I noted it and stored it away somewhere in my head, promising to look at it later. I never did. It didn’t seem to matter afterwards.

  I followed his movements, focused, quiet. He was more velvet than steel, I thought. But he didn’t seem like the kind of man who was used to being told what to do. I got the impression he preferred to lead rather than be lead.

  I focused my attention on the grains of wood on the dining table so I didn’t have to look into his thoughtful eyes. Each time I did, I’d remember all the things I’d imagined us doing as I lay in bed each night, and it scared the hell out of me that he might be able to pick up on it. That he might have the power to read my mind and envision the things I’d done, or the things I’d let him do to me.

  ‘I guess you haven’t made a start on the breakfast?’ he said, cutting into my self-analysis.

  ‘No, I …’

  ‘Madison why don’t you let Ezra know what we were talking about outside and I’ll cook.’

  ‘I can’t let you do that,’ I said, standing up, ready to make my way into the kitchen diner and rustle up a grand cooked breakfast.

  ‘I insist,’ he said.

  I didn’t want to push him too much. I had no idea where his snapping point was or what he’d do when I hit it. He seemed like the kind of guy who kept his composure, but I hadn’t seen him so tense. I had no idea how he’d react when under immense stress. He was a guest in my home, cooking for me because my head was messed up with thoughts of fucking him mixed with the past I thought I’d escaped. I was a mess. Maybe he should cook, I’d probably burn it.

  My sense of integrity towards Madison waned as she pulled me aside, snapping me out of quiet contemplation and regaled the little talk she’d had about me with Blake.

  ‘You should call the police. Tell them everything.’

  ‘But last night Blake said-‘

  ‘He was worried you hadn’t been sleeping. He saw how tired you were and these things, well they take time. They’d have asked for a statement right away and you’d have been exhausted. He wanted you to have a good nights sleep first. And of course, something to eat. Girl, you look pale and thin, like you haven’t eaten properly in days.

  She was right. So was he. I had to take better care of myself. But another thought came to me then.

  ‘I’ve no proof.’

  ‘You’ve got the letters.’

  ‘They’ll say anyone could have sent them.’

  ‘And entered your apartment? Ezra, they’ll be able to sweep the place for fingerprints.’

  ‘And will they know where he’s hiding? Will they find him in time?’

  ‘Blake isn’t going to let anything happen to you. He’s already got two security officers outside my flat.’

  ‘He said he’d do that.’

  ‘And he hasn’t let you down. I know I was a bit hard on him before, but now I’ve met him I think he’s okay.’

  I watched her eyes dart over to where h
e stood over the frying pan and a tight knot of envy wound its way around my lungs. I fought to catch my breath before either of them noticed.

  Was I jealous?

  I didn’t mean to say the next thing that popped out of my mouth. I suppose I’d always been a talk first, think later kind of person.

  ‘We don’t know him. You said yourself that he could be anyone, and now your best friends.’

  ‘He’s good-looking, but he’s not my type,’ she said, giggling. ‘Besides, I have Nate.’

  I didn’t want him, but I didn’t want her to have him either. Childish and petty I know, but at the time that’s how I felt.

  ‘I’m not sure I’m that into him either,’ I said, hoping to throw her off course.

  ‘Girl, you can’t lie to me. I bet you’ve been daydreaming about him coming into your room at night and seducing you.’

  ‘No.’

  Actually, that one wasn’t a lie. Well, not exactly. I had been imagining what those hands might have felt like on my skin, that tongue, teasing my pert breasts. But there was no seduction involved. He wanted me. He told me to undress. He slammed himself inside me. I gasped at the thought.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ said Madison, glancing behind me with suspicion catching me dart a look towards the window.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘But you . . ‘

  ‘It was just a stupid bird. It reminded me of …’

  ‘Stop thinking it’s always been your downfall.

  It was true. The only reason I’d ended up in Tyler’s cold, dark basement was because I’d imagined the man I met on the dating app was sexy, sophisticated Ross. How stupid I’d been to fall for his fake persona, doctored image and the Tinder description that read: sexy, cool, dark haired man seeks petite blonde-haired babe for fun. What he’d had in mind had been anything but.

  Tyler had forced me to lie on a dusty old mattress on the floor, feeding me scraps like a dog while he fucked his wife upstairs and made a show of explaining each and every move he’d made in fine detail when he came down afterwards to remove my gag, shovelling a handful of ground ginger into my mouth to keep me quiet.

  He wanted someone to listen to him. He was a story-teller. In his warped mind, I was his living breathing doll who he could test and tease and humiliate. The worst moment being the day he forced me to eat dog food, his depraved fantasy involved treating a woman like a bitch. And that is what he called me, a useless bitch. No good for anything.

  I was surprised being my captor, the only person who knew where missing Ezra DeSilva was residing, he hadn’t tried to have sex with me. I would have understood a man who had abducted me to fulfill his perverted sexual needs, but not a man who at the sight of me pissing in a bucket in the corner of the room, threw up. I thought he wanted to see my naked flesh. I’d have expected him to force me down on that mattress, shoving his tongue down my throat, but, as it turned out, the idea repulsed him.

  Cara was the love of his life. His wife. His soul mate. I didn’t think he had a soul, but she seemed to. She loved the attention of the press when they turned up on her doorstep asking for her side of the story; her version of the events which lead to Tyler’s six-year prison sentence. But that was a long time ago. I was no longer that nineteen-year-old girl, I was a woman. A woman in charge of her own destiny, and I wasn’t going to allow one small moment in my life to affect the rest of it.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, as Blake dropped the plate of food down in front of me.

  Poached eggs on buttered toast, coated in finely chopped bacon and served with fresh percolated coffee from the decanter, I hadn’t had the time nor the inclination to bother using since my mother had bought it for me the Christmas before. A typical fifties housewife my mother, but with a fishwife’s tongue. Maybe that was where I got it from.

  I tucked into my food and mouthed another thank you to Blake, to which I received a curt nod of the head.

  ‘Fuck,’ I said, burning the tip of my tongue. ‘That’s hot.’

  Madison returned to the table with her cup and smiled at me. I turned to catch the steely look on Blake’s face.

  ‘What’s up with you?’

  ‘Watch your language young lady.’

  ‘Young lady?’

  Who did he think he was?

  It wasn’t until we’d finished eating, Madison leaving the room to clear away the dishes, that he pulled me aside and said, ‘if you were my girlfriend I’d have spanked you for that.’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  The idea seemed ludicrous. His authoritative personality didn’t seem to match his casual style. Well, what did I expect him to wear, a suit? You could blame erotic fiction for that.

  ‘I don’t think my use of vocabulary is a problem.’

  ‘It will be a problem when you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being bent over your boyfriend’s knee.’

  I didn’t know what to say. The very idea made me wet.

  ‘If you were my girlfriend …’ he continued, his words sank through my chest, sending ripples of panic and pleasure to flood me. Heat rose to my cheeks.

  ‘You wouldn’t dare,’ I heard myself saying, my eyes begging him to try.

  ‘I pity any man who puts up with language like that from a woman.’

  ‘You really are a backward-thinking arsehole, aren’t you?’

  It was more a statement than a question, but he didn’t have time to respond.

  ‘You might like it,’ he said, his eyes on mine, his mouth curved into a smile.

  ‘Like what?’ said Maddie, appearing from the kitchen with a cloth to wipe the table.

  ‘Oh, nothing,’ I mumbled, my face beet red.

  She eyed me but didn’t say anything. I was too embarrassed to say another word as I tucked into the food.

  When Blake left the table, making his way to the door, I didn’t bother to look up at him.

  ‘I’ll see you later.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I mumbled.

  ‘You’re not going anywhere, are you?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  Any prior attraction I’d felt for the man had instantly diminished the moment he’d threatened to spank me. But, what kind of woman was I to even consider pushing him to find out if he meant it? The thought physically shook me so that by the time I followed him to the door, realizing he was stood waiting for me to show him out, I was a nervous wreck.

  He turned, his eyes to mine and said, ‘Take care of yourself.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘See you tomorrow?’

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, closing the door behind him.

  BLAKE

  I stood in front of the door imagining what those long legs would look like wrapped around my waist, breathing in to the count of three and out again to steady the creeping sense of self-hatred I had for wanting to fuck her. She was too headstrong for me. You could thank the army for my dislike of drama. What was I getting myself into even considering asking her out?

  Despite our obvious chemistry, I didn’t think I could handle her. She wasn’t the sassy spitfire I thought she was. She was too fiery. She thought she could drop me and pick me up as she pleased. She probably did that to every man she came across. I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn she’d had a string of one-night stands rather than get close to anyone. But I couldn’t blame her, not after what she’d been through.

  EZRA

  The third phone call came just as Madison left for work. I’d been planning on making my own way into the boutique to meet with a client who’d just moved to London and needed to decorate his home before his wife and children arrived next Saturday. Like the others, the caller had withheld their number and all I could hear aside from my own quickened pulse was his breath. I knew it was Tyler. He wanted to frighten me, and it worked.

  I didn’t want to spend the day alone in the apartment, but I had no choice. If I were to feign illness to my boss I had to do it properly. I lounged around all morning, catching up on housework, scrubbing the kitchen floor and gor
ging out on cake, crisps, and some left-over lasagna.

  Blake arrived just after midday. I told him about the phone call and he offered me a bed for the night.

  ‘My conscience won’t allow me to leave you here when you could be in danger.’

  I’d thought back to the night before, running his words over and over in my head.

  ‘One night, that’s all I’m asking. When we find him you’ll be safe and you can return home.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  Or won’t.

  ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘You know as well as I do that being here, you’re just playing into his hands.’

  He was right. Of course, he was. But my pride got in the way.

  ‘I hardly know you.’

  ‘You know me well enough that you know I don’t give in. I’ll keep pestering you,’ he said, smiling.

  Blake returned to his apartment with my bags.

  I must have been out of my mind. After all, what kind of woman was I to agree to move in - albeit temporarily - with a man who had threatened to spank me?

  Needless to say, by the time Blake arrived to escort me down the hall and into his clinically clean apartment I’d already decided he must be a bondage freak, and I was totally panicking by the time he removed his suit jacket and applied it to the hook behind the door.

  ‘Make yourself at home. I’ve left your bags in the bedroom. There are a couple of drawers free in the unit beside the mirror.’

  I took that to mean he wanted me to make myself scarce so I left him watching a football match on the widescreen TV and headed into the bedroom where I found my bags on the floor. I glanced around the room and noted the clean, airy smell, the newly applied bedspread, not a crease in sight as if he’d just ironed it ready for my arrival.

  I found that most of my clothes: trousers and a blouse for work, a dress, a pair of jogging bottoms and a vest top for lounging in, along with a few pairs of knickers and two bra’s fit neatly inside the drawers. I left the camel suede boots on the floor in front of the mirror, and then, checking the coast was clear I sifted quietly through drawers, the wardrobe, and under the bed searching for evidence of Blake’s fetish. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected to find: a whip, a set of handcuffs, some bondage tape perhaps, but I was surprised to find nothing. The bedroom appeared normal. In fact, aside from the bed, it was almost bare. Practical, he’d say. Lacking a woman’s touch, I’d say.