Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  Shit, that sounds miserable. “I’m sorry, I thought it would go better than that.”

  “Just promise you aren’t going to duck out on Christmas, too.”

  “I promise. Christmas is for families and besides, Eli will be home for Christmas,” I add with a light laugh.

  “Not fucking funny, Mel. You’re not running from me and back to him, are you?”

  “Sawyer, no. You know that’s in the past and if I can ever work it out in my head, my heart, and with your family, someday you will be my future. Okay?”

  “We’ll figure this out, Mel, because I’m not letting you go.”

  When we hang up, he sends me the video link for “Hold You in My Arms” by Ray LaMontagne, and my heart soars. Even when I’m lost, Sawyer is always trying to pull me from the abyss.

  After I listen to his goodnight song, I send him one of my own, “Tangled Up In You” by Staind. No matter how fucked up I am, everything about me right now is exactly that. Tangled up in him.

  When I arrive home the next morning, Sawyer meets me at the airport with a grim look on his face.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You’ll see,” he says, taking my hand and pulling his sunglasses back down. As soon as we exit the airport, we’re under siege by paparazzi.

  “Amelia, is it true you and Eli Watts have rekindled your romance?”

  Between camera flashes, more questions are shouted out.

  “Is it true you and Eli Watts were married last night in a secret ceremony?”

  “Amelia, don’t you think it’s too soon to be dating after losing your husband?”

  “Amelia, where are your wedding rings? Is that an indicator you have already moved on?”

  Holy shit. My head is spinning by the time Sawyer shoves me into the SUV and Ryan takes off like a bat out of hell.

  “What the hell happened to spark all of that?” I cry out, and Sawyer passes me the L.A. Times. There’s a photo on the front page of the entertainment section of me and Eli hugging when he picked me up at the airport.

  “This? Two friends hugging is what they’re going off about? Unbelievable.”

  Sawyer pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “I’m sorry, Princess. The house is under siege, too.”

  “Why is this even news? This makes me so angry. You don’t think it’s true, do you?” I ask, turning my attention to him.

  “Come on, Mel, you know me better than that. I’ve seen Eli pull that same spinning hug on you every time he sees you for almost three years now. That hug is as innocent as can be.”

  I take a picture of the photo and send it to Eli.

  Have you seen me on the news yet? Guess we’re all the rage again.

  His reply comes within minutes.

  Eli: Not yet but I can remedy this real quick. Give me five minutes.

  Shit.

  Please don’t do anything we’re going to regret.

  He doesn’t respond for the next fifteen minutes and when my phone does finally ding, it’s a link to one of the most popular gossip websites.

  Who is this gorgeous redhead Eli Watts has been spotted with around town? Rumors about him and Amelia Weston are just that if this morning’s lip-locked couple is any indication. Our reporters spotted her going into Eli’s room last night and leaving there with a classic morning-after look just a few moments ago.

  Time to fess up, Eli. Who’s the hottie?

  I show my phone to Sawyer and he cracks up and pulls out his own phone.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Sending Eli my thanks.”

  “Shouldn’t I be the one doing that?”

  He flashes a killer smirk at me. “Well, you’re the one with slow fingers. Get to typing, Princess.”

  He can be such a cocky bastard, but I’m dying to know who she is because I didn’t see her when I was there.

  Who is she?

  Eli: Some fangirl who was hanging outside of the venue last night. She was hot and I got a heads up there could be some gossip about us so I figured I’d be able to have some fun and squash some rumors at the same time.

  Did you get her number?

  Eli: Nah, she was a one and done. Pretty sure she would have been a stage five clinger.

  I love you, Eli. Thank you.

  Eli: Anytime, baby girl. Tell Sawyer I got his back.

  Eli’s text gives me the feels. It’s important to me Eli approves of who I’m with and based on our talks yesterday, he more than approves of me and Sawyer. Turning my attention back to Sawyer, I ask, “When did you win Eli over to the dark side?”

  “I’m the dark side, am I? I guess I can see where you came up with that. Good thing for me, you like walking on the dark side.”

  “Stop being a cocky bastard and fill me in. I’m curious. I thought you guys hated each other.”

  “It turns me on when you call me names, Princess,” he murmurs against my ear, and I look down to the obvious bulge in his pants.

  “You’re so fucking dirty,” I retort in a hushed tone.

  He laughs. “You fucking love that about me.” Crossing my arms, I sit back and glare at him. “To answer your question, I don’t know. After the Sara shit, we buried the hatchet, and he was always helping me taking care of you after the accident. We became friends. If I did something special, other than that, I’m seriously not aware of it.”

  When we get home, the paparazzi are no longer lingering. Eli definitely worked his magic in my favor. When we get into the kitchen, there’s a tin on the table with my name on it.

  “Cookies?”

  Sawyer turns a frosty glare on me. “Yes, Mom said I had to leave those for you. She even put a note inside.”

  As I pop off the lid and pull out the note, he never takes his eyes off me.

  Amelia,

  We missed you at Thanksgiving. I understand why you left but if you ever do it again, especially at a holiday, you’ll have to deal with my wrath. Sawyer was miserable without you. Remember what I said, you are loved, and no one but you believes the crap Rory said. She’s hurting and taking it out on you. I’ll see you before, but it goes without saying, I’ll see you at Christmas as well. Enjoy your cookies. There are twelve, and if there are any missing, you let me know.

  Love,

  Karen

  “Haha! You’re mad because she left me a cookie count in her note.”

  “Can I have one?” he asks, flashing me puppy dog eyes. “Come on, Mel, you know her cookies are my favorite.”

  I put the lid back on the tin and hop up on the counter. He steps between my legs and I put my hands on his waist. “You can have as many as you want if you make me a promise.”

  “What kind of promise?”

  “I did some thinking while I was gone. I’m struggling a lot with what Rory said. Even more, I’m struggling with why I can’t seem to pack up Noah’s things and what that means for us. I want to enjoy the holidays with you and Nate.”

  “Me, too,” he says sweetly.

  “We need to take a few steps back, okay? I’m going to start sleeping in my room again. And I want to stop having sex.”

  “Are you serious?” he asks with wide eyes.

  “Yes. We keep doing this hot, super-hot, cold thing. We jump into explosive, mind-numbing sex, but don’t you think it’s weird we’ve never made love?”

  His hand cups the side of my face. “It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, but I didn’t think you were ready for that.”

  Nodding, I agree. “I haven’t been. But I need to be if this is ever going to work. So, from now until the new year, no sex. We go slow. I need to dial back the whore a bit so I can make myself believe I’m not one.”

  “I’m going to fucking kill Rory.” His venomous words make me sad.

  “She’s entitled to her opinion and I need to figure out how to deal with that. After the new year I’m going to watch Noah’s video to you. By then, after a month of taking things sl
ow and dealing with my internal conflicts, maybe I’ll be in a better place to move forward.”

  “Whatever you need, Princess. But does no sex mean I can’t fuck you with my mouth?”

  Damn, he’s got such a talented mouth that is good for so much more than singing. “For now, yes. But maybe we can gift each other oral for Christmas. After all, it would be rude to refuse a gift.”

  “Well, if that’s the case, I’m going to gift you a specific amount of orgasms from my tongue that you have to claim on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.”

  “Thanks for the heads up. I’ll make sure to gift you some sixty-nine coupons. You know how much I like sucking you off while you’re going down on me.”

  He laughs and pops a kiss on my lips. “And you say I’m dirty. You’re just as freaky as I am, Princess, but I fucking love it. You can have all the time and space you need because we’re going to get through this together.”

  “Thank you,” I whisper against his lips.

  “You’re welcome. Now, take what cookies you want because these bad boys are all mine.”

  Hey, Slammers!

  Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!

  This year, I missed Thanksgiving with my family and instead spent it with a dear friend of mine. Most of you are well aware Eli Watts and I were childhood sweethearts, but what you may not know is he’s one of my very best friends and was spending the holiday alone. Friends don’t let friends spend holidays alone, so I took a couple of days and caught up with my oldest and dearest pal.

  On the way home, the paparazzi were in full vulture mode. I understand it’s their job, but this is my life. So I thought I would take this opportunity to clear things up. I’m not dating Eli, or seeing him in any form other than friendship. It’s true that I’ve taken off my wedding rings and keep them close to my heart around a chain. It was a hard thing to do but a necessary step in my healing. Noah and Belle have been gone for well over a year now. Each passing day is a painful reminder they’re gone but also a reminder I’m still here. I’ve debated about talking to you all about this, but I feel it’s important. I loved Noah Weston more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He was the light of my life until his light was extinguished. There is someone special in my life who has helped me through this past year and we’re tiptoeing into the waters to see if dating is something I’m capable of right now.

  I know many of you are already judging me and thinking it’s too soon. I’m not necessarily sure I disagree with you, but then I’m reminded of my best friend and her zest for life. Belle didn’t just close her blog with “Live today like there’s no tomorrow.” It was her motto for how she lived her life and how she wanted me to live mine. Deep in my heart, I know Belle would be disappointed in me if I didn’t at least try to see there’s a brighter future out there for me somewhere. So, for her and these beautiful kids of ours, I’m dipping my toes into the shallow end of life. Enjoy this picture of Nate and Cadence eating sweet potatoes on their first Thanksgiving with real food.

  Happy Holidays, Slammers!

  Amelia

  House of Cards

  “That was painful.”

  Sawyer brings a bottle of wine and two wine glasses and joins me on the floor. We’re leaning against the couch in front of the fire.

  “It wasn’t as bad as Thanksgiving was,” he says as he uncorks the bottle.

  “Really? I’m sorry I made you go through that alone.”

  Today is Christmas and everyone just left to go home. I feel bad they’re not doing their normal family sleepovers, but I’m also relieved Sawyer and I get some time to ourselves.

  Sawyer kisses me on the cheek and passes me a glass. “It’s alright. I’m glad you got to keep Eli company over Thanksgiving. Even though I wasn’t happy about it then, you needed time to think. Besides, I had Nate keeping me company and that’s almost as good as having you.”

  “Speaking of Nate, how do you think he and Cadence are going to do as co-sleepers?”

  For Christmas, we got rid of the cribs and put toddler beds in the nursery for Nate and Cadence. Tonight is their first night trying it out.

  “I think they’ll be fine. The first few nights could be an adjustment, but they were so excited. I think it was the right call. It’s time Darren separates from her a bit.” Sawyer’s tone makes me think Darren may start bringing people home. I can’t picture it; I don’t think he’d ever bring some random chick to the house where our kids live.

  “Whenever I think of how close he keeps her, I think about your journal and how you described him with Belle at the accident. It hurts my heart, and I completely get why he keeps her close. I hate Belle went through that, and thinking about her fear in those moments kills me, but I’m so glad you guys took Cadence to your bus that night.”

  Sawyer runs his hand up my thigh and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “I’ve thought a lot about that night and the things that led up to it. It pains me to admit it, but I’m starting to believe in fate more than ever. Noah might have been on to something.”

  “How can you even say that?” I ask, my eyes filling with tears.

  “Because Cadence was teething for a reason. We switched up our sleeping arrangements for a reason. That bar … Winnie the Pooh … They saved you, Mel. They’re the only reason you’re still with me. What are the odds? Noah knew something bad was coming, and it sucks Belle was in the middle of it, but Mom said something at the hospital I’ll never forget.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She could have lost us both that night, Mel. What if Noah and I had both died? I don’t know why I was saved, but I can’t help but feel like it’s because I was supposed to be here for you and Nate.”

  “Well, I think fate is a crueler bitch than karma.”

  “I don’t disagree with you, Princess, but as hard as it is to accept I’m still here, and I’m glad we’re together.”

  We hear the slide of footed pajama feet against the floor before we see which kid is coming out of their room. Nate shuffles in clutching his new Build-A-Bear he got from Saylor and Emme for Christmas and immediately climbs into Sawyer’s lap. I grab our wine and put it on the table so it doesn’t get knocked over.

  “What’s the matter, Nate? Want to come here?” I ask, holding out my hands, but he clutches Sawyer while shaking his head.

  “No, Daddy Sawyer,” he says firmly, and my heart plummets and bursts with happiness at the same time. Holy shit.

  With wide eyes, Sawyer corrects him. “Uncle Sawyer, buddy, say Uncle Sawyer.”

  “Daddy Sawyer,” he says again, turning into Sawyer’s chest, hugging him fiercely.

  “Mel, I’m sorry … I didn’t …” Sawyer stammers. My eyes are fixed on them. The family resemblance is strong. Any outsider looking in would assume Sawyer is his father. Nate’s eyes flutter closed as Sawyer’s hands rub continuous circles against his back.

  Sawyer shakes his head and tears begin to fall. I’m not sure if he feels bad, or if he’s happy, but for some reason I feel like this is another sign from Noah. Just like last year when Nate crawled on Christmas for the first time.

  “It’s okay, Sawyer.”

  “How can you say that?” he hisses.

  “Because to Nate you’re his dad. There’s no denying that anymore. We’ll still tell him about Noah and call him Daddy but it’s time we face the truth. No matter what happens with us, you’re Nate’s dad now.”

  Without a word, Sawyer stands up and carries Nate back to his room. He comes back a few minutes later with tears streaming down his cheeks.

  “This isn’t right, Mel. It’s not fucking right.”

  He sits back down and grabs his wine, gulping it down. “I’m not so sure about that anymore. When Nate sees Noah in photos, he calls him Daddy. He knows Noah is his dad. But he called you Daddy Sawyer, he knows the difference.” My tears are falling as freely as his.

  “We’ll keep correcting him until he stops saying it.”

  Trac
ing my thumb across his lips, I press my head to his. “You can try if you want to because this is about your comfort level most of all. But I’m pretty sure my son knows what he feels. He feels you’re his father and he loves you so much he’s honoring you with that title, too.”

  “Fuck, Mel, this hurts so much.”

  “I know, but doesn’t it feel good somewhere inside to see how much you mean to him?”

  Sawyer is quiet for a long time but eventually nods and hugs me as he sobs. “It’s a double-edged sword. Nothing has ever felt this good and hurt this much at the same time.”

  “Seems to be the story of us right there.”

  “We’re moving past that, Mel. We’re in a good place.” The pleading in his voice would bring me to my knees if I weren’t already sitting.

  “I know, baby, and you’ll move past this, too. It’s sad, Sawyer, but it also makes me so proud. Proud of you for being everything Nate needs. Proud of him because he knows better than either of us what he wants from his relationship with you. You’ve been a better parent to him than I have. You caught us when the world was ripped out from beneath us.”

  “I didn’t have a choice.”

  “Oh, but you did. Out of anyone, you had the most right to fall into your grief and drown. When Noah died, you lost part of your soul and that’s something none of us can understand. You are so strong, Sawyer. Noble, loving, fierce, and still a fucking cocky bastard, but you’re my cocky bastard. I love you.”

  His tongue meets mine with an easy grace. He cups my cheeks with his hands as he kisses me slowly and thoroughly. Our emotional state is raw but the love flowing between us is real. This is the kiss I’m going to remember until my dying day. The night Sawyer and I let down all the barriers between us and truly became one by the fireside. The night our son taught us the real meaning of love.