Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  “I love you, too, Princess,” he says as he wraps his arm around me and we lean against each other in front of the fire. It’s me and him against the world and I’m more than okay with that.

  A week later, Sawyer approaches me with a USB stick in hand. I’ve put off watching Noah’s video. Sawyer has been patient, but he misses our intimacy and knows in order to get it back I have to watch this video.

  “It’s time, Mel,” he says, handing it to me.

  Clutching it in the palm of my hand, I bring my eyes to his. “Are you going to watch it with me?”

  He swallows hard. “I will if you need me to, but I think you should watch it alone.”

  I’m stronger now, but I’m still going to need some liquid courage to get through this. “Time for tequila shots.”

  He follows me into the kitchen and takes out the tequila and shot glasses. Sawyer shoots one, and I toss back three. “Come here,” he says softly.

  Sawyer brushes my hair from my face and cups my cheeks. “Remember, Mel, I loved you before the accident. Please, don’t forget that.” His mouth crashes onto mine and I moan as he steals my breath. He kisses me as if this is the last time and the thought petrifies me.

  Once he releases me, he walks me to my room. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

  After he leaves, I settle myself on my bed with my laptop. I understand why Sawyer wouldn’t want to watch this again. My video wrecked me; I can imagine his did the same to him. I lean back and press play, once again watching as Noah’s larger-than-life smile fills the screen.

  “Hey, Sawyer,” Noah says sadly, running his hands through his hair. My poor Noah. I wish I could reach through the screen and hug him.

  “I can’t imagine how fucked up this is for you right now. I’m sorry, man. Just know I would have tried like hell to stop whatever took me out, I’m sure. Fuck … this blows. Hopefully, this is all for nothing, but you know I had a bad feeling after that shit went down with Sara. Nothing has felt right since. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had every wish fulfilled and I’m having a baby with the love of my life. But Sawyer, that feeling … it won’t go away. The doctor still thinks it’s posttraumatic stress, and I fucking hope he’s right. In case he’s not, I’ve got a few things to say.”

  The floodgates have already opened and tears are flowing endlessly down my cheeks. Seeing him again, hearing him talk to someone like they’re in the room with him, is breaking my heart. Why couldn’t he have told me? I wish I could have been his rock like he was mine.

  “I love you and I hope you know that, that you’ll always know that. This past year for us was different. I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to you and further apart at the same time. I know Mel was a huge part of that and … I owe you an apology. It was obvious you were attracted to her from the beginning, but at the time I was swept up in my own desire. Although you felt the need to tell me on many occasions you would never try to take her from me, you didn’t have to. I know you’d never hurt me on purpose. Marilyn fucked us up but we were better for it. You grew from that experience, we both did. When Mel came into the picture, I could see both sides of her and us. That probably doesn’t make any sense, does it?

  “Mel has this wicked streak in her. She’s blunt and to the point, making her the perfect woman for you. And yet … she’s sweet and vulnerable, and even though she didn’t want to, she opened herself up to the possibility of love, making her the perfect girl for me. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her, and neither have you. It’s okay, Sawyer. Don’t ever feel guilty for falling in love with a good woman. Especially one who could complete you and make you a better man. Even if she is my wife.”

  Noah swallows and grabs a glass of water, taking a gulp. He chuckles to himself and shakes his head. Where the hell is he going with this?

  “For a hypothetical situation, this is still hard as fuck. Literal last words are a bitch. So I’m just going to spit them out. I expect you to take care of her and Nate if I’m not around. I know this will sound demented to most people, but you’re my twin and you’ll understand this. If Mel falls in love again and gets married, I hope to God it’s with you.”

  Pause.

  Hold the fuck up. Please tell me this is not what I think it is. Noah, please tell me you didn’t do what I know you did.

  Unpause.

  “There’s no one else on this planet who will take care of them and love them like you will. They deserve that, Sawyer, and so do you, because the fact remains that right now … Amelia Weston is the only woman I can picture you making a life with. How fucked up is that? I’m not saying you won’t meet someone and fall in love and make a family. You can, and you should. But I know you, Sawyer, and I’ve watched the way you’ve let Mel inside your barricaded heart so easily. Even while you pushed me away, you let her deeper into your world. It hurt, but I understand it better than anyone. She has that effect on me, too.”

  Pause.

  I’m going to be sick. “Noah, how could you do this? How could you put this kind of guilt and pressure on your own brother?” Bracing myself for more of this madness, I hit play.

  “My wife loves me, and I know she always will, but I want her happy, Sawyer, and I want you happy. If the two of you can find that together, it’s fate. Even if I died tomorrow, I’d do it all over again to have this brief period of bliss with Mel. There’s no one I’d want to spend ‘‘til death do us part’ with other than with her.

  “Don’t close yourself off and don’t shut down. Keep Mel from doing that, too. She thinks she’s cursed and this tour was supposed to cure that for her. Damn, for her sake, I hope it did. If not, one of us is going to have a hell of a time convincing her she’s not. The only other person I’ve ever met who is as broken as Mel is you. Heal each other, Sawyer, make each other whole in my absence. I’m going to leave Belle a video, too, telling her to make you guys see the light. If anyone can, it’s her.

  “I’m not really sure what else to say. This already sounds like some backwoods redneck shit, doesn’t it? Take care of my kid and marry my wife, brother.”

  Noah pauses and cracks up. His laugh wraps around me like a hug; I wish I could feel his arms again in the flesh.

  “For real, Sawyer, it’s okay. If I could handpick anyone for Mel it would be you and vice-versa. Take care of Mom and Dad, Rory, Diane, and J for me. But especially Rory. She’s always been my sister and Diane has been yours, but Rory is going to need you now. Kiss the girls for me and remind them often how much Uncle Noah loves them, how much I love you all, because even though I’m not there my love always will be.

  “And Sawyer, even if it’s not with you, make Mel have some more kids. Nate can’t be an only child and Mel is going to be the best mom, I just know it. With all of you in his life, I have no doubt Nate will grow up knowing how much I loved and adored him. Just promise me you’ll be happy, Sawyer. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.

  “One last thing, I left all my rights and royalties for the music to Mel. My intention was for you, Wyatt, and Darren to split everything into thirds and have equal say, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it’s another way to keep Mel in the family. Other than the three of you, there’s no one I trust more to look out for my interests in my absence than her. She’s the best thing to ever come into our lives, Sawyer. Don’t ever forget that. I love you, bro, with all my heart. Until we meet again.”

  The camera fades to black and once again, I can’t contain the guttural cries working their way out of me. This was a game changer. My house of cards has just come falling down around me.

  Unlike last time when I watched Noah’s video to me, Sawyer doesn’t come to check on me. He knows as well as I do this changed everything. It’s why his last kiss to me was more of a goodbye than anything.

  I could throttle Noah, I’m so angry with him. How could he put that on Sawyer? Make him think he has to fall in love with me to fulfill Noah’s last wishes. Why would Noah put
that on him? It’s a horrible thing to do to anyone, let alone your vulnerable brother in the midst of his grief.

  I’ll never be able to trust Sawyer’s feelings for me are real after that. I have to get out of here, I need to drive. When I open the door, I can hear Sawyer splashing Nate in the bathtub. Good, easier to make a run for it.

  Once I’m down the street, I pull over and send him a text letting him know I’m going to Anna’s for a while. He’ll leave me alone there. The whole way over there I can’t stop crying, can’t stop thinking about the video and about me and Sawyer.

  No wonder he backed away from me after we had sex; he was having second thoughts. It probably wasn’t good for him, he just felt like he owed it to Noah to be with me. This whole time I’ve been keeping him from what he really wants—other women.

  As I throw my car in park, their front door swings open and Anna and Wyatt are waiting for me.

  “Jesus, Mel, you look like shit. Sawyer just called and said you were on your way over. What happened?” Anna asks.

  “What happened is I found out I’m the biggest fool on the planet. My husband pimped me out to his own brother. Guilted Sawyer into wanting to be with me. This whole thing is one big illusion.”

  Anna looks at Wyatt and he shakes his head. “That’s not true, Mel. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

  “Have you seen Noah’s video to Sawyer?”

  “No, I haven’t but I know–”

  “No, you don’t know. I thought I knew, too. Until I saw the video. God, I’m such a fool. I fell for his game, hook, line, and sinker. How gullible could I be?”

  Anna guides me into the house and Wyatt grabs his keys and kisses us both on the cheek. “I’m going for a drive.”

  “Tell Sawyer he’s a bastard!”

  “Come on, Mel, let’s get you something to drink and calm your nerves so you can explain all of this to me.”

  Over the next two hours, Anna gets me shitfaced. Sawyer has been sending me text after text, but I’m avoiding him. And I tell Anna everything.

  “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” she asks softly.

  “Yes, no, I think so. Shit, Anna, I’m still such a mess. I don’t know. But I have to be, right? Or this wouldn’t hurt so damn much,” I wail.

  She hugs me. “It’s okay, Mel. I know you’re hurting and you believe what you’re feeling, but I’m going to give it to you straight. You’re wrong. Sawyer would never pretend to care for you if he didn’t.”

  “No, you don’t get it,” I say, wrenching myself out of her grasp. “He doesn’t even know he was brainwashed into it. Noah played him like a fiddle and took advantage of his grief.”

  She’s looking at me like I’ve lost my ever-loving mind. At this point, maybe I have.

  “How about we get you settled in the guestroom for the night and we talk about this in the morning over a cup of coffee? It’s late, and Sawyer said he’s got Nate covered.”

  I’m drunk as hell so it’s not like I have a choice. She gives me a pair of pajamas to borrow, along with a bottle of water and some ibuprofen, and leaves me to sleep. I pull out my phone and scroll through Sawyer’s messages, only stopping when I see he’s sent me a song. When I click on the link, it’s “Right Here Waiting” by Staind. In my alcohol-fueled haze, I send him back one of my own, “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles.

  Then, as I’ve become so accustomed to doing over the past year, I pray for the pain to stop as I cry myself to sleep.

  In the morning, I wake up feeling like shit and do my best to piece myself together before I beg Wyatt and Anna’s forgiveness for crashing in on them last night.

  “Good morning,” Wyatt says, looking up from the kitchen table. “Can I get you some coffee?”

  “Yes, please. I’m so sorry for last night, Wyatt, I just didn’t know where to go.”

  He brings me the coffee and takes a seat. “It’s okay, Mel. You’re welcome here anytime. Anna had to go into work for a little bit, but she said she’d check in on you later.”

  “Where’s Jake?” I ask, looking around for my adorable godson.

  “He’s with my mom, she took him to the park. I’d like to talk to you about Sawyer if you can handle it.”

  “I’m not sure what there is to say.”

  As he sets his coffee down, his shoulders sag. “I’ve got thoughts and opinions on all of this. I’m not sure if you’re ready to hear them or take my words to heart. Sawyer is a mess, you need to talk to him. The video aside, he loves you, Mel. Sawyer has never loved anyone and he loves you. Don’t take that lightly.”

  “Wyatt, it’s not that easy.”

  “Nothing worth having ever is. After you’ve talked to Sawyer, if you want to talk to me as your friend, as Noah’s best friend, you let me know. I’ll pay off that favor I owe you in spades, but you have to be ready to hear what I’m going to say with an open heart. Deal?”

  “Deal. Thanks for the coffee, but I should probably get home. No matter how upset I was, leaving like that was a dick move.”

  Wyatt laughs. “Well, if anyone can understand being a dick, it’s Sawyer. Remind him of that if he gives you shit.”

  On the way home, I stop off for pastries and coffee at Sawyer’s favorite place. I figure if we’re going to have a painful discussion we can at least do it with comfort foods.

  He’s sitting at the table with bloodshot eyes when I come in. He doesn’t look like he slept a wink last night.

  “Where’s Nate?”

  “Darren took the kids to his parents for the day. Do you hate me, Mel?” His sorrowful eyes meet mine and my eyes fill with tears again.

  I put the coffee and pastries down and sit across from him. “I could never hate you, Sawyer. I’m angry, so fucking angry, at Noah and at you.”

  “Do you remember how I asked you yesterday to remember I loved you before the accident? Why do you think I did that? I knew you were going to be pissed and assume shit that wasn’t true.”

  “Yeah, and do you remember how you kissed me goodbye right after that?”

  “I didn’t kiss you goodbye!”

  “Then what was it?” I demand.

  “A kiss, Mel! It was a kiss. An I love you, I’m worried about you, and I wish I could watch that video with you but it would fucking steal my soul for a second time kind of kiss!”

  “Don’t you see it, Sawyer? He brainwashed you. He took away your ability to think rationally and planted the seed that you had to be with me and take over for him as my man, as Nate’s dad. It’s fucked up! You had buried those feelings for me after the wedding and he played on that. It’s not your fault, I understand.”

  The look of abject horror on his face silences me. “Do you want the absolute truth?”

  “The truth is all I ever want, Sawyer.”

  He slumps down in his chair and blows out a breath. “The truth is I never stopped thinking about you. I tried to stop your wedding a thousand times in my mind. I didn’t care if Noah got hurt, I wanted you. I was willing to throw my relationship with Noah away if it meant getting the girl. If I’m guilty of anything it’s being a horrible brother, not being brainwashed by Noah.”

  Wow.

  “That may be true, but I still feel like there are other elements at play. This shouldn’t be so hard, Sawyer. Every time something good happens to us, something else shatters our bubble. Maybe this isn’t meant to be.”

  “Don’t say that, Princess. You bring me to life. We’ll figure this out.”

  “I think you should date other people.” I practically choke on the words as they come out.

  “What in the world are you talking about?” He’s looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

  “Noah tricked you into thinking this is how your life should be. I don’t want to be your obligation, Sawyer, I want to be your life!”

  Within seconds, he’s on his knees in front of me. “Don’t you know you’re my Princess but someday I want you to be m
y Queen? There’s no one else for me, Mel, it’s you or no one.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say, leaning over and kissing the top of his head. “You deserve someone who isn’t tainted.”

  Pushing my chair back, I stand up and leave him on the floor. Walking away from him is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I can’t cope with the thought that he’s with me out of guilt.

  Amelia – Present Day

  “How many times did you think I was insane over the last two years?” I muse.

  Sawyer smiles as he looks up from his computer where he’s reading. “Not more than once or twice, why?”

  “You’re a jerk.”

  “Maybe, but I’m your jerk, whether you like it or not.”

  I lean over and kiss his cheek. “Is everyone still out there catching up?”

  Sawyer came back in here a few minutes ago with cookies and milk for both of us.

  “They are. Everyone is on the most recent section, so they’ll probably catch up to you soon.”

  “No pressure or anything. How did this turn into something I was doing to help me give you an answer to something everyone we know is reading?”

  Sawyer flashes me his dimple smile. “You’re a good writer, Mel, and an even better person. Our family wants to see us happy and when I left, neither of us were in a good place. As far as Rory goes, I think deep down she wants to understand and she’s tired of the fighting and the anger. Thank you for inviting her.”

  “I’d do anything for your family, Sawyer. You all have saved me more times than I can count.”

  He pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses it tenderly. “Where are you in the story?”

  “I’m just about to talk about your night with Dawn.”

  He groans. “Just remember you love me and breathe through your anger.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Date Night

  It’s been a few weeks since I told Sawyer to date other people. Every day he finds a way to tell me he loves me and that I’m an idiot for pushing him away when we’re just going to end up together.