by Rose, Angel
“What is it?” he sat up in the bed, naked, staring at me as if I had the word liar written across my forehead.
“Unconditionally Michael, do you?” I released his hand and stood up and walked over to the chair, grabbed my robe and wrapped it around me.
“Of course…what’s this all about?” he slid his sweatpants on and walked over to me.
“Everything has been a lie; my whole life, but not yours. You were in on everything Dave did. I was just another girl.” I swallowed the lump that was choking me, trying my best not to cry.
“No…no you weren’t. He wanted to keep us as a family. He wanted you for me. But his overwhelming urges and his sick mind to kill women got the best of him again. He even told me once that he wished he knew your mother so that he would have married her and had you as his daughter. Dave wasn’t a complete animal.” He lowered his head. The tears brimming at the corners of his eyes ready to be released. “This is all so confusing. I don’t understand how he snapped into the murderous phase again! He had feelings for you and he cared and loved you more than he loved me. He lied to me, Jenesis, about everything. He’s been lying to me all his life. I didn’t know about Margaret, Carl…Eddie or Vivian, I swear to God. I didn’t know.” His tears spilled over onto his cheeks; his beautiful blue-green eyes glistening from tears.
“But you knew what he was did was wrong? Yet, you kept on protecting him. Why?”
“He was my father Jenesis. I was young. That was a long time ago. He stopped his killing spree over ten years ago. I wasn’t aware of anything he did now. Dina was his last and that was only because she opened her mouth in front of you.” He hung his head down to the floor in shame. Then he looked up at me. “I was twenty years old when he stopped and that’s when I met Eddie. I spent those ten years trying to make sense of everything he did. I tried to forgive him and eventually I did. Our relationship was great and then…you walked into his life. And for the first time, he was confused. He fell for you in a way that can’t be explained. He wanted to protect and give you everything. He didn’t tell me about you until after I met you at the college, and that’s when I told him he couldn’t have you.” He stood in front of me hoping his words would convince me. “We argued and argued, and then he told me I was right, that you were good for me, for us, and I deserved some happiness after everything he had done. He was sorry for everything he did. He was sorry for hurting me and killing my mother. We were working on making things right. He changed…he changed.” He lifted his head and stared at me with a combination of love and hate in his eyes.
I was shocked. It was as if he blamed me for Dave’s urge to kill again. I felt horrible and I couldn’t even look Michael in the eyes. He walked over to the living room and sat on the couch. “I never thought I could find someone so loving, so loyal; someone interested only in me, in my heart. Everything Dave did made me cold and heartless, then, when I met you, my heart grew and grew, and he didn’t like the person I had become. I worried about you, wanted to be with you all of the time, and when we made love for the first time, my attachment to you was so overpowering that he began to worry. Even though he was sorry and tried to make things right, his sickness got the best of him. He was fighting demons no one could destroy. His mother fucked him up royally, and there was nothing he could do.”
We were silent for a moment. He sat pensively with his hands clutched together. I gave him a minute to gather his thoughts. I knew this was painful and I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling right now.
“You didn’t know if he stopped killing Michael. You just don’t know that for sure. Why couldn’t he get help?” I whispered.
“He didn’t think anything was wrong with him. He was stubborn and refused anyone’s help. He was wounded. I think, no, I know. Look what happened to him as a child. That’s my only explanation.” He shook his head then placed his head between his hands. He was distraught. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch.
“This is crazy. I never knew this about Dave. Why didn’t you talk to me? Tell me the truth about who he was and who you were?” I shook my head in disgust. “Why didn’t you warn me? If you loved me so much, why didn’t you help me get away?” I said standing over him with my arms crossed against my chest. I started to feel this overwhelming hate for him at that moment…pure betrayal.
“He promised me he wouldn’t hurt you. He wanted to make me happy and you; he loved you, but he didn’t want me to be with you once he found out how much you loved me. I guess it hurt him too much.” He shrugged his shoulders and took a deep breath. All this talk about Dave hurt him, really hurt him.
“I don’t know what to say. I never thought in a million years that Dave was related to you in any way, let alone, your father.” He lowered his head, closing his eyes tightly as if he had just been stabbed. His guilt consumed every part of his being and he was destroyed.
“I know. Everything happened so fast. But at the end, he lost his mind and I knew he was going to kill you. That’s why I killed him. I killed my father, and I don’t know how to deal with that.”
“Michael he was still alive when you shot him and then…he tried to kill you. You had no choice and they finished the job. This is all so much to take in. Dave was a sick person. It may not have been his fault, but we can’t excuse him for killing everyone we loved. I knew Dave loved me, but he raped me and he tried to kill me. It doesn’t make sense to me. How can I forgive him for that?”
“Do you think that’s why I’m telling you all of this? So you can forgive him? How can you even think of forgiving him?” he said angrily.
“You did, didn’t you?” I said sternly.
“Yes, but he was my father.” He said standing up and walking over to the window.
“He was my father, too.” I whispered. Michael turned and looked at me. Then, he shook his head.
“No he wasn’t.” He shook his head. “What do you want from me? I’m trying to tell you the truth. The reason I am the way I am. I have a short temper. I don’t think straight sometimes. I love you too much and I want to kill anyone who tries to hurt you. I’m not perfect.”
“I’m not perfect either. Do you remember when Dave said something about Friday morning and shedding some blood?”
“Vaguely? Yeah, I guess…Why?” he asked staring at the floor not wanting to hear what I had to say.
“I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. I got pregnant. I was going to have an abortion.” I whispered. “I needed to tell you because I can’t live with the guilt. We need to start over minus the lies. I’m sorry.”
I wanted him to understand that I loved him unconditionally despite the terror he and Dave brought into my life, along with the string of lies he knew about all along. It must’ve been hard to have kept a secret like that from me for so long. But I also lied and I hurt him and, I wanted him to know that I was sorry. Even though I knew…I owed him nothing.
“Jenesis, you don’t have to be sorry about anything. I can’t be angry with you. Don’t think for a minute I am not going to reap what I’ve sown. Trust me, my whole life is fucked up. I can’t fix this. It’s impossible. My father, a murderer. He killed my mother, my best friend, Margaret, Carl, Vivian and so many others that I’ve lost count, and then he…he…raped my wife.” He slammed his fists against the wall. “Who the fuck can get over something like that? How can I help you get through this when I can’t help myself? I’ve ruined your life Jenesis. I ruined it and I’m going to be a horrible father to that baby. Why do you love me? Why?” He sobbed into his hands crying to the point where you could feel the pain in his heart as he keeled over. I helped him stand up and held him in my arms. I didn’t know what I could do for him, but I knew he was in so much pain so I motioned for him walk towards our bedroom. We sat on the bed as he cried and whimpered on my shoulder. I kissed his forehead and then his nose.
“Honestly Michael I don’t know why I love you so much?” He lifted his head to look at me. He was speechless by what I just h
ad told him, but did he really expect me to say otherwise? It was true, how could I continue to love someone who has caused me so much pain. Then, I thought about my mother. She was just going through the motions with my father when she really had someone she truly loved, and he loved her back every chance he had. I TRULY loved Michael, and that was my only explanation. “I don’t know how we’re going to get through this, but I think Dr. Logan can continue to help us.” I whispered as I leaned my forehead against his.
“How?” he wiped his nose with the throw blanket and I frowned at him.
“She’ll know what to do.” I grabbed my throw blanket and placed it on the bed. He stared at me with an apologetic look on his face and I knew what he was thinking. “It’s okay…I’ll wash it.” I said softly. He knew how much that throw blanket meant to me and I didn’t appreciate it when he used it as a tissue.
“You have to get that paternity test done. You need to know.” he said seriously. He laid flat on his back on the bed with his hands behind his head. He was still breathing hard from crying like a baby, which I loved. His tight chest and flat stomach were in full view, sculpted to perfection. Something about his beautiful blue-green eyes covered with salty tears made me swallow hard and pulled at my heartstrings, almost wishing I could kiss them away.
“We’ll discuss that some other time, right now, I’d like to get some sleep.” I laid down next to him and closed my eyes trying desperately to go to sleep. I placed my leg over his waist sliding my fingers through the hair on his chest. He rolled over to his side and slid his fingers up and down my waist. He inched over closer to me and placed my head against his chest as he kissed my nose. I could hear his heart beating. Even though the image of him tapping his fingers relentlessly against the staircase banister is still lodged in my brain, I fell into a heavenly sleep in his embrace.
***
Michael woke up early the next morning rummaging through the closet to find his favorite suit. His lucky blue tie was gone from the corner of the dresser mirror which could only mean…it was Monday. I turned to my side and stared at the chair near the window. It reminded me of the night Dave sat on the chair near the window in my apartment. He was sleeping, with his arms crossed leaning against his stomach, the night I tried to kill myself when Michael left me after I slept with him for the very first time. I closed my eyes tightly. I couldn’t believe I was still thinking about him. I loved him so much and my heart hurt me so badly. I didn’t believe that he raped me…it’s still all a blur…I didn’t remember more so; I didn’t want to remember. I decided to get up and get dressed when my cell phone vibrated.
Jenesis, I’m at Mount Sinai, are you coming?
Joe
I inhaled deeply trying to decide whether or not I should meet him. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to see him again. My hands were trembling as I sent him the text message.
Please don’t text me again. This is too much for me right now.
J
“I’d like to go to the doctor and check on the baby to make sure everything is okay. Maybe tomorrow?” I glanced up at him as he sat on the bed. I wanted to see his reaction. His blue-green eyes were wounded and I knew he was hurt just by me mentioning the word…baby.
“Yeah…sure…we’ll go together.” He held my hand and kissed my knuckles softly. “I’m going to take a shower, and then I have to head out to the office. Make the appointment, I’ll take the day off.” He stood up and walked over to the bathroom. As he turned on the shower, I grabbed my cell phone.
“Good morning, I’d like to make an appointment with Dr. Kate.”
“Ok…are you a new patient?” the receptionist asked.
“No.” I answered softly.
“Your name?” I could hear her sipping on something.
“Jenesis Heart…I mean Jenesis Hunter”
“Mrs. Hunter?” she said surprised. “Can you hold on a second.” she placed me on hold. A different, desperate voice answered the phone.
“Jenesis, it's Dr. Kate…Can you come in today?” Her voice was trembling.
“Hi Dr. Kate, I don’t know, I wanted Michael to come with me.” I said sternly.
“Jenesis, can you come alone? I need to speak with you.” She sounded worried.
“Oh…okay…what time?” I was worried. Why did she want to speak with me?
“Now?” she whispered.
“Is everything okay?” I asked nervously.
“No.” she whispered as her voice cracked.
“I’ll be right there.” I hung up the phone, got dressed and left the apartment while Michael took a shower. I left before he realized I was gone. She sent me a text with a different address somewhere near East End Avenue.
I hailed a cab and gave the cab driver the address. The ride was long, there was so much traffic getting from my apartment to her place. I should have taken the train, I thought to myself. We finally arrived and I walked through the double glass doors of the building. It was a high-end building, with crystal chandeliers and glass doors and windows from top to bottom. I reached out to open the glass door when I was stopped by the doorman.
“Your destination Miss.” he asked glaring at me up and down.
“Dr. Kate.” I said staring at him and feeling very uncomfortable at this point.
“And you are?” he asked with a tight grin.
“Jenesis Hunter,” I was almost afraid to give him my name he was so intimidating.
“Yes…of course, she’s waiting, this way please.” he motioned his hand towards the elevators. “Fifth floor, suite 511.” His tone completely changed from intimidating to overly friendly and then, he smiled at me.
“Thank you.” I whispered as my heart raced. The urgency in Dr. Kate’s voice worried me. I pressed for the elevator and my cell phone began to vibrate. It was Michael. I didn’t answer. The elevator opened and I walked in. I pressed the number five and waited patiently. My phone vibrated again. I glanced at it and it was another text message from Michael.
Baby, where are you? Why did you leave without telling me? Are you okay? Jenesis, call me.
Michael
Jenesis, WHERE ARE YOU????
Michael
I shut the phone off as the elevator arrived at the fifth floor. I looked at the numbers and arrows on the gold plated sign on the wall and headed to my left. Suite 511 stood in front of me and I turned the knob slowly and entered.
“Good Morning, may I help you?” A very pretty young woman with purplish hair said smiling.
“Hi, I’m here to see Dr. Kate.” I perused around the room. The room was decorated exquisitely. A beautiful vintage chandelier hung in the middle of the room. Huge windows from ceiling to floor were overlooking the water near FDR Drive and flowers in crystal vases were everywhere, and this was just the entrance of the office. It seemed as if it might have been someone’s birthday.
“Jenesis?” The young girl asked.
“Yes.”
“Come with me, please.” She stood up with a cup of coffee in her hand and guided me to the office in the back. She opened the door and Dr. Kate was sitting on the couch and a man was standing looking out of the window near the back, his back was facing me.
“Thank you, Karen.” she said softly. Dr. Kate stood up and gave me a hug. “Jenesis, are you okay?”
“Yes.” I looked over at the man standing by the window and he turned around. It was Dr. Joe. “What is he doing here?” The blood in my veins boiled over. I could feel the heat rising in my face.
“Jenesis, I know you’re angry, but we all need to know.” She glanced over at Dr. Joe then back at me.
“Wait, you set this up?” I shook my head. “We all need to know…who needs to know?” I stared at him as he approached me.
“Jenesis, Dr. Kate and I are getting married. We need to know if you’re my daughter so we can start our life without lies.” Sweat dripped from his eyebrow.
“Wait…start your life without lies? Are you crazy?” I replied with a smirk.
“Jen, please…it’s not my fault. You’re blaming me.” he barked.
“I’m not blaming you.” I lowered my head. Then, I raised my eyes to him. He looked straight into my eyes. “You confessed to me something you should’ve said a long time ago. I needed to know why my father was abusive to my mother, and I needed to know why he hated me so much.” I sighed deeply. “Don’t you see…it all makes sense now…he hated me because of you! Now you don’t want to live with the guilt. You could have protected me; you could have saved me from the years of abuse from him…the devil…the monster underneath my bed. Now you want to play hero so you can have a clear conscience and move on with your life with her?” I shook my head and pointed towards Dr. Kate, then I slammed my hands on the large conference table. “What about me? What about what you and my mother did to me?” I shouted at the top of my lungs, as the tears trundled down my cheeks, my body trembling with the deepest rooted anger that came from the inside out. Then I remembered how I lost the other two babies, and I took a deep breath and leaned against the table. My body was shaking and my palms were sweaty. I could feel the baby move inside of me and I stroked my stomach tenderly consoling my unborn child. I glanced over at Dr. Kate as she pressed a button on the desk phone.
“Karen, bring in some water, please.” she said as her lips quivered.
Joe stood staring at me running his fingers through his hair obviously shaken by my reaction. Dr. Kate was more of a mess than he was; you could see by the tension in her face and the worry in her eyes that she was taken aback and upset. Karen walked in with a pitcher of water on a tray with champagne glasses. Her hands were trembling making the tray shake. I thought she would drop everything.
“Thank you.” Dr. Kate nodded her head at Karen.
“I’m sorry, these are the only glasses I could find at the moment.” Karen glanced at me as she closed the door behind her.
Dr. Kate poured me a glass of water and handed it to me. I drank slowly feeling the cool water slide down my throat quenching the burn that exuded all over my body.