Spin My Love

by Chantal Fernando

  No. I’m not the person I was back then, but that doesn’t undo my actions, nor does it absolve my sins. The last time I was in Perth was about five years ago. The thought makes me stand still.

  Parker.

  I spin around and see the look on her face, on her beautiful face. She has features that would make an angel cry with jealousy. Pink, pouty lips with the deepest Cupid’s bow I have ever seen, wide, blue eyes framed in thick, feminine lashes and a button nose. Her chin has a slight dimple in it that I know she hates, but I can’t help but find adorable. I want to kiss it. But the look on her face is one I won’t be forgetting anytime soon.

  It also answers the question that I know is lurking in my eyes right now.

  Parker is my son.

  I close my eyes as I picture her that night.

  Ice-blue eyes.

  What the fuck have I done?

  “Why didn’t you say anything to me?” I ask, my voice a soft whisper. Why didn’t she stay? Talk to me? She didn’t say a single word. She just acted like all the other girls I’ve been with. I wince as the thought even crosses my mind.

  Giselle is nothing like other girls.

  “Well,” she says, staring at the floor, “I wanted to talk to you, but first you were on the phone, and then your mouth was on mine and I lost all coherent thought.”

  I exhale deeply, hating myself in this very moment. “I didn’t know it was you, Giselle. Fuck, I’d never do something like that to you; please believe me. Tell me why you didn’t say anything?” I ask her again, needing to know this answer.

  “I thought you knew,” she says in a voice so soft, I have to strain to hear her. “Then I thought maybe you were pretending it didn’t happen. I didn’t know what to think? Maybe you weren’t the same person you were when you left. Maybe you didn’t care?”

  I walk over to her and pull her into my arms, as close as our bodies can get. Her hair smells like coconut. When I hear her breath hitching I know that she’s crying. I rub my hands down her back, not knowing what else to do, or how to fix this.

  I had literally just fucked her without a word. Without protection. I’ve always used protection—at least, every time I can remember. Did she even have an orgasm? Seems like a trivial thing to think of right now, but the fact that I don’t even know disgusts me. We stand together in silence, lost in our own thoughts. There is one thing I do remember about the next morning. Why did she leave the room? If she stayed, we could have spoken and cleared all this shit up. It would have still been a shit move on my part, but at least I would have known it was her.

  “I’m so fucking sorry, Giselle. Let me make this right,” I tell her earnestly. I see the moment she shuts herself off from me. The emotion drains from her eyes as she pulls away, composing herself. “I would never pretend something didn’t happen with you, I just didn’t know it was you because …”

  “Parker …”

  “He’s mine?” I ask her, already knowing the answer.

  She nods.

  I’m about to open my mouth to talk to her about Parker when someone rings the bell for the front door. I watch Giselle’s back as she leaves to open it.

  I’m thinking about everything I have just learnt, coming to terms with the fact that I’m a father when Parker himself walks in behind Giselle.

  My son.

  My family.

  The family I didn’t even know I had. And why? Because, like a dumb fuck, I was high and drunk that night. I was fucked up on the night I conceived my son. I feel sick. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I was just weak—lost in my own shit. My own pain.

  But enough is enough.

  I don’t deserve this second chance, but if Giselle lets me, I’m going to take it anyway. I will beg on my knees if I have to.

  “Parker,” I almost whimper, taking in his features. His eyes are a dead giveaway. How could I have not known? The evidence is staring right back at me. He gives me an odd look, obviously wondering what I’m doing here. Or maybe he senses the tension in the room.

  “Go and get changed, Parker. Tane was just leaving,” she says to our son. Wait, what? I’m not leaving. I’m never leaving them again, that’s for sure. I’m about to say as much when Levi and Gage walk in, both smiling at each other as if they’d just shared some joke. Their smiles drop as they see me standing here, along with the pale look on Giselle’s face.

  “What’s wrong, sis?” Gage asks, instantly alert.

  Shit is about to hit the fan.

  Levi calls out Giselle’s name as he strides over to her. She runs straight into his arms.

  It hits me like a blow to the chest.

  She whimpers into Levi’s shirt, and I take a step forward, wanting to be the one to comfort her. It should be me holding her, not Levi. Yet it’s me that caused her pain. I tried to stay away from her for her own good, but I ended up fucking things up anyway.

  “Giselle what’s going on?” Gage demands, steel in his voice.

  “What’s wrong?” Levi asks her softly. My fists clench at my sides.

  “Tane, what the fuck is going on?” Gage asks again, his posture rigid.

  “I’m sorry, Gage,” is all she says. What? She’s sorry I’m Parker’s father? My jaw clenches.

  “What happened, Giselle?” Gage demands.

  “I’m sorry I never told you. I’m sorry I lied,” she says, her voice muffled by Levi’s chest.

  I swallow hard, before saying, “Parker is my son.”

  There is a moment of silence.

  Of shock.

  Then I see the realization dawning on their faces. Levi hugs Giselle closer. Gage stomps towards me, his fist clenched. When he draws it back, I know what to expect.

  Pain.

  I welcome it.

  And then everything goes black.

  Chapter Seven

  Giselle

  I watch in horror as Tane doesn’t move to protect himself, he just takes the hit. Gage lifts his fist to hit him again but Tane falls to the ground before he can do so.

  “Gage! Stop!” I yell, squirming against Levi’s hold.

  I hate seeing the two of them fight. They’re best friends; time can’t change that. I don’t want to be the reason that they’re fighting right now. I get no satisfaction from it, none.

  “Giselle,” Levi reprimands as I continue to evade his grip.

  “Mama, are you okay?” I see Parker enter the room. I pray he hasn’t been there long and didn’t see Gage knock Tane out. Levi lets go of me so I can go over to him, squatting down in front of his small body.

  “Baby, everything is fine. Go back into your room and I’ll come read you a story, okay?” I say, smoothing his hair out of his face. He nods and with a final look at the scene before him, turns around and retreats back to his room.

  I lean down over Tane, who seems to be unconscious.

  “Gage,” I growl, frantically running my hands over Tane’s face. I doubt it helps but I do it anyway. Probably more for me, than for Tane.

  “So what? He just fucked you and left?” my brother asks, his chest heaving with anger.

  “No,” I begin, knowing Gage won’t like where this goes. “It’s complicated. I never told Tane I was pregnant. I only just told him that Parker is his son.” I sigh and sit back on my heels, thankful when Tane starts to come to. That’s going to be one hell of a black eye, though.

  Gage stops. “He didn’t know?” He sounds almost hopeful.

  “He had no idea, okay? He didn’t desert us,” I tell him, my eyes pleading. I don’t want to ruin their friendship over this, and the problems between Tane and I are just that: only between us. No matter what issues I have with Tane, I don’t want Gage or Levi to be mad at him. He doesn’t deserve anyone’s wrath except mine.

  “How could you not tell him, Giselle?” he asks, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “That doesn’t sound like something you would do.”

  I hate the disappointment in his tone.

  “We spent one night together, G
age,” I say, avoiding going into details. No brother wants to hear about his sister having a one-night stand. “He didn’t even recognise me. Look, it doesn’t matter, it happened. But he’s here now, and we’re trying to work out what the best thing for Parker would be. I can’t keep him away; Parker would hate me and Tane would hate me.”

  And my heart might get broken, again. But now it’s time to think about Parker, not me. It’s all about my little boy.

  Gage just stares at me, looking like he wants to hit something else. I look over at Levi, who has an unreadable expression on his face.

  “I’m sorry I never told you the truth,” I say softly. Levi stares at the ground, not saying anything. “Both of you.”

  Gage sighs, closing his eyes, as if when he opens them everything will be solved. “He’s my friend. But you’re my sister, Giselle, and he should have been there for you. I know I don’t know the whole story, but you shouldn’t have had to deal with this alone.”

  “Let me handle this, Gage,” I plead. He goes to argue, but I cut him off. “No. Just stop. Don’t ask me questions when I haven’t even figured out how to handle this situation yet. Let me deal with this and I’ll explain everything later. For now, I need to think and talk to Tane.” I can see Gage thinking it over and when he sighs I know he’s agreed.

  “We will talk about this tomorrow,” he demands, his tone brokering no argument.

  “Why did you guys come back so soon, anyway?” I ask him.

  “We forgot Parker’s bag,” he replies. “We didn’t know …” Something like this would be happening? No, I guess not.

  I nod quickly and watch as they both leave.

  Levi didn’t say a word.

  I’ve really fucked up.

  Tane opens his eyes, blinking furiously.

  “Are you okay?” I ask. It’s a well-known fact that Gage is a good fighter and he’s built like a brick-house, so I can only imagine how hard he hit Tane.

  I watch as Tane shakes his head no, but I don’t think it’s the pain from the hit that he is referring to.

  “Wait a sec,” I tell him, getting up and running to Parker’s room to check on him. He’s lying on his bed, fast asleep, clutching a book. The sight makes me feel guilty. I carefully pull the book from his grasp and put it away, then cover him with his blanket. I kiss him on his forehead and run my hand through his hair. He is such a good kid. I really am blessed.

  When I return to Tane, he is sitting on the couch, staring at the wall. I see him staring at the bottle of wine, but not reaching to pour any.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” he says, still staring at the wall. I sit down next to him.

  “When I found out I was pregnant I tried to ring you. Your publicist answered and refused to put the call through. When I tried to explain to her, she laughed and hung up. I’m guessing she was used to receiving pleading calls from women,” I add dryly before continuing. “I decided to fly out to Sydney to talk to you in person. I knew you were doing a gig at a club there, so I went. When I got there, I couldn’t find you. Apparently you had left early with …” I trail off, not wanting to go on. I was told he had left with more than one woman, so I just left. I was angry with him. I was hurt. Looking back, I should have just found him. Whether he was busy with other women or not, I should have just looked for him and tried to tell him. He deserved that much. He fucked up, but so did I. I flew back to Perth the next flight.

  When Tane lowers his head into his hands with a strangled sound, I assume he remembers the night himself. When he looks up at me, his crestfallen expression makes my heart ache. He shakes his head.

  “Fuck!” he growls, standing up and walking out of the house. I walk out behind to see him leaning against his car window, hands crossed against the top of the vehicle. When I see his shoulders slightly lifting, I wonder if he’s crying. I walk over to him and place my hand on his shoulder, frowning when he flinches at my touch.

  “How can you even want to be near me right now?” he asks, the hollowness of his tone worrying me. I don’t understand.

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “All this time you’ve been taking care of Parker by yourself, while I’ve been …” He trails off and I try my best not to finish that sentence. I don’t want to think about it. No matter what Tane has done, I don’t like to see him upset or hurt. He’s my weakness.

  “It’s the past, okay? Now we just need to decide how to handle the future,” I say gently. Tane straightens and faces me. His eyes are faintly red, the only indication that he was upset. “I just want you to know that I got into this without expecting any help. I understand that this has been thrown at you and if you don’t want to be—”

  “I want to be involved, Giselle,” he says, cutting me off. The way he says it is almost a question. “Can I come over tomorrow and talk to him?” He clears his throat. “I know I’ve fucked up, I mean, messed up, but more than anything I want to be in his life.”

  I bite my lip when he changes the curse word. Maybe he will take this seriously.

  “Alright,” I find myself saying. “We’ll sort this out.” He nods, but says nothing.

  “Do you want to eat before you go?” I ask him, remembering the dinner I cooked. “And I’ll give you an ice pack for your face.”

  “No thanks, I’m not hungry. And my face is fine,” he says idly. “Giselle, thank you.”

  “For what?” I ask.

  His voice comes out as a whisper. “For not hating me.”

  I could never hate him. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

  I puff out a deep breath. “I don’t hate you. This is a mess, but I don’t hate you. We have a lot to talk about, though.”

  “You’re so strong,” he says, voice hoarse. “I’ll come around tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” I reply.

  I kiss him on the cheek and head inside, locking the door and turning on the alarm behind me. When the door is closed I lean back against it, closing my eyes.

  What a day.

  Things can only get better from here, right?

  I knock on wood, just to be safe.

  *****

  Tane

  I bury my head deeper into the pillow, wishing it would swallow me whole. I cannot believe this shit. I’ve fucked up numerous times in the past, but this really takes the cake.

  My actions are now affecting others, affecting my son.

  Parker.

  Is it possible to love a kid so much? A kid you have only seen a couple of times, and only just found out was yours?

  I already knew he was special. I already cared about him because he was a part of Giselle. But now … I don’t think words could fully express how I’m feeling. Soul-deep, mind-numbing love.

  I have a son with the most amazing woman I have ever met. Even better, she’s giving me a chance, despite what a fuck-up I’ve proven myself to be. I can only hope that she will forgive me, even though I know I don’t deserve it. I will be better for them: my family. I sure as hell have a lot of making up to do.

  I flip over onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. I wish my mother were here to meet her grandchild. She would have loved Parker, just as she loved me. I run my hand over my face, wincing at the pain around my swollen eye.

  I deserved that. I welcomed the pain. Physical pain is easier to take than emotional. Scars heal easier on the outside.

  I close my eyes and will myself to sleep. Tomorrow I need to make everything right.

  Tomorrow I become a father.

  Chapter Eight

  Giselle

  After a rough night of tossing and turning, I stand barefoot in my kitchen flipping pancakes.

  “Pancakes,” Parker cheers as he sits down at the table.

  “Are your yes-sirs having breakfast with us?” I ask with a raised eyebrow. He has a bunch of toy soldiers in his hand, which he refers to as yes sirs. He has called them that ever since he could talk, and I find it too adorable to correct him.

  Parker gi
ves me a lopsided smile. “You’re silly, Mama.”

  I grin as I crack an egg to fry in a separate pan. I’m not in the mood for pancakes today.

  I serve our food and sit adjacent to Parker. We have breakfast together, and Parker manages to eat most of his by himself. Of course, a lot of the food ends up on the table and floor, and as I’m cleaning up there is a knock at the door. I was wondering when he would arrive.

  The walk to the front door seems unusually long.

  “Good morning,” I say as I open the door wide, welcoming Tane inside.

  “Hey,” he rumbles. He looks like he didn’t get much sleep either. His eye looks bruised and painful. He walks into the kitchen and comes to a standstill when he sees Parker. He drums his fingers on his thigh, clearly not sure how to handle the situation. I watch as his gaze rakes over his son, taking in every little feature. He swallows, and then glances at me for guidance.

  “Parker, Tane is here,” I say, trying to keep my voice as unaffected as possible. Parker turns around and gives Tane a smile. Tane gives him a forced smile back, his eyes not straying from Parker’s face. I have no idea how he wants to do this. Does he want me to tell Parker? Pale-green eyes disappear as Tane squeezes his lids shut. The air in the room is thick.

  I clear my throat.

  “Tane …”

  “Let me talk to him, please,” he says in a hoarse voice. His eyes flutter open and the look in them is intense. Pleading. I don’t want him to. I feel nervous, not sure whether I should speak to Parker instead. However, I nod, and head back to the sink to finish washing up. I need to give Tane this chance, don’t I? He’s the one who needs to build a relationship with Parker.

  I always defended my actions by saying that I tried, but the truth is I could have tried harder. Tane not having been a part of Parker’s life isn’t all his fault. In fact, I’d say it’s mostly mine. It wasn’t fair of me to assume that Tane wasn’t ready when I really had no idea how he’d have handled the situation if he’d known I was pregnant. This whole situation is a complete mess of what ifs. This is the reality of it though, and there is no point in questioning it anymore. It is what it is and we need to make the most of it for my son’s happiness.