Spin My Love

by Chantal Fernando

  Tane and Parker walk into the lounge room, side by side. Parker looks up at him, then copies the way Tane pulls at the bottom of his t-shirt. I sigh heavily. I have no idea what Tane’s going to tell my son; I just hope Parker doesn’t get too upset. I have no idea how he’s going to take this, or how much of it he’s going to understand completely.

  I last a whole minute before I change my mind about being in that room with them.

  Screw this.

  I turn the tap off and quickly dry my hands on the closest hand towel. I know Tane wants to do this alone, but I need to be there. This should be a family discussion.

  I walk into the lounge room. Their conversation ceases at my entrance, so I take a seat opposite them and nod at Tane for him to continue. He watches me a moment, giving me a gentle look, then turns back to Parker.

  “I know you’ve only met me a few times, but I’m going to be spending a lot of time with you from now on …” Tane says, swallowing. “I hope you don’t mind me spending time here?”

  Parker shakes his head. “I like it. You’re fun.”

  Tane grins a little at that. “I’m glad you think so. I think you’re fun too.”

  “I like beating you at shooting games,” Parker adds, then turns to me with a guilty look on his face. My eyes narrow on Tane, who shrugs as if he has no idea what Parker is talking about.

  Typical.

  “Do you know what a dad is, Parker?”

  Parker nods enthusiastically. “Bobby has a dad.”

  I bite my lip to stop it from quivering. Bobby is his best friend, and he likes to talk about him a lot. Everything is Bobby this and Bobby that, but I haven’t heard him talk about dads before. We’ve never really discussed it, other than when I told him that his dad lives somewhere else. He didn’t ask why, just nodded and accepted it.

  “Lots of my friends have dads, but I don’t. Mum said my dad lives somewhere else. Instead I have Uncle Gage and Uncle Levi.”

  That comment slices my chest open. I don’t want to look at Tane’s face, but I do. He looks pained. Guilt and regret flash in his eyes. He looks down and then back to Parker’s face.

  “Would you like to have a dad?” Tane finally asks, his eyes intense.

  Parker pauses, thinking, before nodding. “Yes, I think so. Uncle Gage and Levi do lots of dad things with me, but it would be cool to have a dad live with me, like Bobby Pritchett’s does.”

  Ah, crap. I wait and see what Tane says next.

  “What about a dad that doesn’t live with you?” Tane implores, “but will still be there for you and will see you all the time.”

  “I guess that would be okay, too,” Parker replies, shrugging his small shoulders.

  “Well that’s good. Parker … because I’m your dad,” he says, his voice croaking. “I know I haven’t been here. But I will be from now on.”

  Parker scrunches his nose, tilting his head to the side as he looks Tane up and down. I wonder what is going through his mind right now. I hold my breath as I wait for his response.

  “How do you know that you’re my dad?” he asks, a dubious look on his face.

  My lip twitches at his reaction, and I exhale slowly.

  “Well, for one, we have the same eyes.”

  Parker instantly gets up on the couch and leans forward, getting right in Tane’s face. He stares intently into Tane’s eyes.

  “Hmm, yep, we do,” he agrees. “Where were you? Mum said you lived far away,”

  Tane swallows. “Yes, I lived far away. It was my fault that I wasn’t here, but I hope you will let me make it up to you.”

  We both stare at our son, waiting to see what he will say next.

  Parker thinks it over. “Will you stay this time?”

  My breath hitches. My darling boy.

  Tane gently puts his hand on Parker’s shoulder. “Yes, I will. If you want me to.”

  “Okay, you can be my dad,” Parker decides.

  I watch as Tane smiles slowly, his eyes glassy. He exhales deeply, then scrubs his hand over his face. “Thank you.”

  I realise tears are sliding down my face, and I wipe them away quickly, averting my gaze. Parker notices anyway. “Mum, why are you crying?”

  “I’m just happy,” I tell him, kissing him on his smooth cheek. He nods, accepting my response, and then turns his body to Tane.

  “Want to play with me?” Parker asks, either ignoring or not noticing the tension in the room.

  “Okay,” Tane says. He turns to me. “Can I spend the day with you guys?” he asks hopefully, his eyes pleading with mine.

  I nod, my voice cracking. “Sure.”

  *****

  “He’s amazing, Giselle,” Tane says, shaking his head in admiration. Our first ‘family’ day out had been a success. We spent the day at the local indoor play centre. I’d been shocked when Tane actually got on the equipment with Parker to play with him. Watching them together melted my heart. Tane did so well with Parker, and I could tell Parker already adored him.

  Parker had been dozing off on the way home, tired from his antics, so he was now in his bed, napping. I’m starting to cook dinner, chopping onions, while Tane sits on the stool opposite my bench.

  “I know,” I reply with a wink, grinning proudly.

  Tane smiles. “I’m serious. He’s smart and well-mannered, but he’s quick and sneaky too.”

  I smile in return but say nothing. It saddens me that Tane missed so much, but knowing how much he’s enjoying getting to know Parker makes me happy that they have the opportunity to make up for lost time. Better now than never.

  “I had fun today,” he continues.

  “So did I. And I know Parker did too,” I say softly. “Would you like a drink?”

  “Sure,” he says, watching me as I open the fridge and pull out some orange juice. “You remembered,” he smiles. He loves his orange juice.

  “It’s hard not to. You used to drink this stuff by the litre.” I pour us some and slide a glass over to him.

  “Thanks,” he says, sipping on it. His gaze stays on me.

  “What?” I ask him, knowing he wants to ask me something.

  “When can I see the two of you again?”

  I hadn’t really thought of this, to be honest. “Parker goes to kindy three half days a week.”

  Tane sits up straighter. “How would you feel about me taking him on the days he doesn’t have kindy? Or picking him up from kindy?”

  I clear my throat. “How about you take a week or two for him to get used to you a little more and then we can talk about it?”

  He nods eagerly. “That sounds great.” I’m relieved that he isn’t offended by my hesitation.

  “Good,” I say. “If it all works out then I’ll tell Gage that he doesn’t need to pick him up on those days, but for now I think we should take it slow.”

  His pale-green eyes close. “Thanks for giving me this chance, Giselle.”

  I sigh. “I was in the wrong too for keeping him from you. Yes, I tried to contact you, but I could have tried harder. I shouldn’t have assumed that you wouldn’t want to be involved in Parker’s life.”

  He shakes his head. “I wasn’t a good person then, but I’m trying to be one now.” He glances towards the hall where Parker’s room is. “I want to be the father he deserves.” With that, he stands and walks over to the sink to wash his glass. “Can we talk about something?”

  “About what?” I ask wearily.

  “Money,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at me.

  “What about money?” I ask, tilting my head in confusion.

  He nibbles on his bottom lip. “I haven’t given you any money for Parker for the last four years. I want to set up an account for him.”

  “Um, okay,” I say. If he wants to do that, he can go ahead.

  “And for you,” he adds.

  My body stills. “What do you mean, and for me?”

  “I want to help you out. I have four years to catch up on.”
/>   I shake my head dismissively. “I’m perfectly comfortable, Tane. I appreciate the thought though.”

  He sighs, rubbing his forehead. “How did I know you would be stubborn about this?”

  “Because you’re not stupid?”

  “You did everything for him by yourself. You worked to support him …”

  “Yeah, and?” I interrupt.

  “And you shouldn’t have had to!” he growls, losing his composure. His chest heaves as he tries to gain control. “It should have been me taking care of both of you.”

  “Let’s compromise. You open an account for Parker. That’s a good idea for his future, but you don’t need to open one for me, Tane. You have no reason to give me your money. Furthermore, I don’t need it.”

  “Fine,” he says, putting his hands up. He doesn’t look too happy about it, but too damn bad. I don’t want or need his money, and he shouldn’t feel guilty. He didn’t know about Parker, and like he said, the timing wasn’t right back then anyway. In this instance, it looks like everything has turned out the way it should have.

  “Can we talk about us?” he asks quietly, leaning his hip against the countertop.

  “There is no ‘us’, Tane,” I say, narrowing my eyes on him. “We’re childhood friends turned co-parents.”

  He’s silent for a few moments. “You came with me back to the hotel that night. You wanted me.”

  My mouth falls open. I can’t believe he is throwing that in my face. If he wants to talk about that night—then fine. “It was five years ago. I did want you. As in, past tense.”

  He flinches. “Giselle …”

  “We’re friends, Tane,” I say. “Sure, at one point it looked like we were going to be more. You gave me my first kiss …”

  “I remember,” he says, a faraway look in his eyes.

  “And you said you would be back for me when you left. But you didn’t come back. You told me you loved me—”

  “I’ve always loved you,” he cuts in.

  “But now all we can be is friends.”

  There is no way my heart is willing to be anything other than friends with this man. I put myself out there for him and look what happened. I don’t regret having Parker, not in the least, but that doesn’t mean my heart wasn’t broken in the process. Not just that, but I used to be a dreamer. I used to look up to Tane, think the world of him. I used to think there was something special between us, something magical.

  A love that is usually only found in fairy tales.

  Now I know, it was just the musing of a young and foolish girl. It wasn’t reality. Tane wasn’t my hero, and I wasn’t his princess. In fact, he didn’t even know it was me when we made love. Or should I say, when we fucked.

  It was making love for me, but I guess it was just mindless fucking for him. After all, he had thought I was a stranger. An easy lay.

  “What’s going on in that mind of yours?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “Just thinking about that night,” I reply on a sigh.

  “What about it?” he asks.

  “Never mind.”

  “Giselle,” he says shortly.

  “I was just thinking about how I thought it was the best night of my life, making love to you, but you didn’t even know it was me. You thought you were fucking some random chick,” I say, unable to keep the bite out of my tone. Part of me feels embarrassed for being so open, but the rest of me wants him to know how he made me feel.

  He covers his face with his hands and makes a pained sound. “You weren’t some random chick to me.”

  “You didn’t even recognize me,” I snap, hiding my expression behind my curtain of hair. He walks over to me and pushes my hair out of my face. I flinch as his fingers almost graze my cheek.

  “You could never be some random woman to me. I’m so fucking sorry about that night, Giselle,” he says, burying his face in my neck.

  “How could you not know it was me?” I ask in a small, broken voice.

  Silence.

  “Tane?” I prompt.

  “I wasn’t in a good place back then,” he says.

  What does that even mean?

  “I don’t understand …”

  “I used to … have an issue with substances,” he says, cringing. “That night, I’d been drinking and I was high.”

  “Drugs?” I ask, dragging the word out.

  Tane was taking drugs? No fucking way, not my Tane.

  “No,” I whisper. “What the fuck, Tane?”

  “I know,” he replies, sounding ashamed.

  I step away from him. “You were on drugs?”

  Is that why he had sex with me?

  He nods, and I have no idea what to say. My mind works, all the puzzle pieces fitting together. The way he looked back then, his words of not being a good person or being in a good place.

  “Please don’t take him away from me,” he says, looking down at the floor.

  I look around the kitchen. “Are you still using?”

  He shakes his head and looks at me, letting me know he’s telling the truth. “I haven’t been on anything in a year. I swear. I’m done with that part of my life.”

  “How did you stop?” I ask him. I know nothing much about drugs, except the basics. I can’t even imagine what he went through.

  “I went to rehab. I’m completely clean now,” he replies in a low tone.

  “Good,” I tell him, not knowing what else to say. “That’s … good.” The silence between us becomes tangible, the air in the room almost suffocating.

  “I need to tell you something about that night though. If you would just—”

  “I don’t want to talk about that night anymore,” I say, cutting him off. It hurts too damn much.

  “Okay. I should go,” he says. He takes a step closer to me, maybe wanting to kiss me bye, but thinks better of it and walks to the door. There, he pauses. “Can I check on Parker before I go?”

  I nod and wait for him as he disappears into his son’s room. He comes out and studies me for a few moments before saying, “Lock the door.”

  I roll my eyes. “I will.”

  “Can I come see you tomorrow?” he asks, voice hopeful.

  “Yeah, okay,” I reply, shrugging my shoulders. This isn’t going away. Our issues aren’t going anywhere. We need to solve them, to make them better, but right now I’m feeling drained.

  He says bye once more and then leaves. I lock the door behind him.

  It’s only later that I replay his words in my head. He wanted to come and see me tomorrow? I’m sure he meant to say Parker.

  Because there is no other reason for him to come by.

  Chapter Nine

  Tane

  I glance down at Parker and watch him as he draws a picture. It’s more of a scribble really, but regardless I’ll be sticking it on my fridge with the other pictures he’s drawn me. A week has passed since I found out about him; a week since my life turned upside down.

  It’s been one of the best weeks of my life.

  Giselle has been keeping her distance. She has been kind, even though I know that sharing Parker must be hurting her. This messed up situation we’re in; it’s really shown me just how amazing she is. There are so many other ways this could have turned out. She could have punished me for how I treated her, but she’s not like that.

  You don’t deserve her. I push the thought away and take a seat next to Parker.

  “That picture is amazing,” I say as I take out a sheet of paper to join him. Parker grins at my compliment then continues to draw. Today is the first day that he’s come to my house to spend time with me. Rather than go to Giselle’s place, as I usually do, she said it was okay for him to spend the day at mine.

  “I’m hungry,” he announces, turning his head and staring at me with wide eyes. There is nothing more refreshing than the honesty of a child. I wish all people were that upfront.

  “Come on then, buddy, I’ll make you a snack. Your mum said she’ll bring us dinner o
n her way home from work,” I tell him, standing up and heading into the kitchen. He follows behind me. I turn and lift him up onto the chair, kissing the top of his head before I walk away. I pull out some celery, carrots, cheese, and crackers, and put them on the table, then start to cut up the vegetables.

  “I don’t like celery,” Parker says, sticking his tongue out.

  “This is what your mum told me to give you,” I reply, frowning a little. Maybe I heard wrong?

  “Mum makes me eat it,” he grumbles, his little face falling. He really is too damn cute. I don’t know how anyone says no to him at all.

  I grin at him. “Maybe you can just eat the carrots instead.”

  He grins back at me. “Okay.”

  “I’ll eat the celery,” I tell him with a wink. I love playing co-conspirator.

  “Good,” Parker replies, nodding his head sagely. “It’ll make you big and strong. That’s what Mama says.”

  I chuckle at the seriousness of his tone. Fuck, I love this little boy. He looks so small next to me. I bought him a bed and turned the bedroom next to mine into something similar to what I had when I was a child, with blue walls and a racetrack on the floor. It took hours to finish it all, but his squeal of excitement when he saw it makes all the effort worthwhile.

  Now I just need to make it so I deserve him.

  And his mother.

  *****

  I ignore Gage’s unhappy look and walk past him into the apartment. I see Levi sitting on the couch, sipping on a beer and watching the footy. He narrows his eyes on me when he sees me, his lips tightening. They both aren’t happy, that’s for damn sure.

  “Can we talk?” I ask, taking a seat opposite Levi.

  There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence as I gather my thoughts. They stare at me expectantly.

  “I slept with her that one night, and I didn’t even realize it was her,” I say, knowing how stupid it sounds to even my own ears.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? How could you not know?” Gage growls, crossing his arms over his wide chest.

  “She looks so different! And I was high that night,” I say, cringing at the word high. Hopefully they will assume I was just smoking weed, when really it was a little more serious than that. “She never said anything, never spoke to me …” I trail off. I don’t want to make her sound bad, going to bed with a man without even saying one word. She’d assumed that I knew it was her. I might not have known it was her, but looking back now, I felt it.