Then there was Nate. I hadn’t expected to feel, well anything, for him again. That was a lie of course. I was just hoping I wouldn’t start feeling anything. I still wasn’t sure what it was I was feeling but it was nice. He had emailed me on the Wednesday to see how I was doing and even asked if I would like to meet for a drink at the weekend. I know I shouldn’t; it would only add to my confusion, even if the drink was just as friends but part of me still wanted to, all the same.
Then there was the whole other issue; the baby issue. I had become obsessed with them and by them. Thankfully, I could do it on the premise of ‘it’s for Chloe’ but the reality was that most of the magazines, blogs and forums I was checking out were really for me; to feed my need.
Chloe had been to the Doctor and been given a clean bill of health for her and the baby and was due on July 25 th . I cried when she had shown me the ultrasound pictures; both in happiness and in sadness. She was going home to Ballywaters with Anthony at the weekend to tell her parents the good news and was having Sunday lunch with his parents. By Monday it would be official and very possibly, they would be cut off from his family. As the days went by Chloe got more and more panicked about their impending lunch date and I can’t say I blamed her.
I decided that it was probably as good a time as any to head home myself and fill my parents in on what was going on in my life; not that I was too sure what that was yet. The only thing I was sure of right now was that I wanted a baby and I had absolutely no means of having one. I was at a total life stalemate. Living in an apartment I didn’t own, without the boyfriend I might not have, an Ex who seemed to be ‘around’ a lot and a pregnant best friend who was getting it all. I needed to make some changes, drastic ones.
On the train home that Friday evening, I took out a small note pad and pen and listed the areas in my life I would like to change or improve.
1. Living arrangements – I needed my own place, a home that was mine, so no matter what, I would know where I was living.
2. My relationship – it was time to cut my losses. Brandon wasn’t going to come back, not just for me; he had left in spite of me.
3. Have baby – well I needed a man for that and as desperate as I was to have one, a ring too – a baby needed two parents.
4. Buy car - like the apartment, the car had been Brandon’s too and he had taken it with him when he left for his mum’s. I assumed it was still there but I could hardly ask for it.
Ok that was enough to start with. Four life changing points I was going to work on. Three would be easy; well comparatively so. I took out my phone; it was 7 o’clock now so I made it out to be around lunch time in New York. I dialled Brandon’s number, it rung twice.
‘Hello this is Brandon.’
‘Brandon, it’s me.’
‘Oh... hi Faye, I’ve been calling, so we could talk, but right now is not really a good time for me.’
‘That’s fine, what I have to say won’t take long. Brandon it’s over, I’m ending it.’
‘Ending what, what have you done?’
‘I’m ending us, our relationship.’
‘You can’t do that.’
‘Of course I can.’
‘But Faye, I’m in New York.’
‘Well I’m in Ireland, something you didn’t think about when you left. We can’t continue like this. I’ll be viewing a few apartments next week and expect to be out of the apartment by the end of the month, that should give you plenty of time to find someone to rent it.’
‘Faye you can’t do this.’
‘Yes I can’
‘You’re being very selfish.’
‘I’m being selfish? Brandon you were the one... do you know what, it’s not worth going into. Brandon it’s over. I’ll be in touch when I have more details. Have to go, I’m about to go into a tunnel.’
‘Faye where...’
The line went dead as I powered off my mobile. I felt good, for about a minute, then the realisation hit that I had just broken up with Brandon. I started to cry, no, I started to bawl. I took out the only tissue I could find and sobbed into it. Why had I done that? Why had I ended it? I loved him, really loved him. Pain seared through me. Ten minutes later I fell off the train in a heap. My mother rushed forward and collected me up.
‘Faye, whatever is the matter? come, move along quickly before anyone sees you like this.’
‘I ... broke... up... with Brandon.’ I said through gulps of air and tears.
‘Oh, right... well... you can tell me all about it in the car. Come along.’
She grabbed me and my bags and threw me in the direction of the car. Waiting for her to close the boot and get in, I realised that I couldn’t tell her the whole reason why I had broken up with him. That’s just something I wouldn’t share with my mother, besides she probably wouldn’t hear it anyways. My mother had selective hearing at times. Very selective hearing.
‘So tell me, what did he do?’
I liked that she assumed it was he who had done ‘the doing’, my mother had her faults but her children were perfect in her eyes.
‘Well I’m not entirely blameless,’ [I hoped that would cover the ‘I cheated’ part], ‘but we had a flight, he went to his mum’s and then he phoned to say that he had gotten an internship in New York and would be gone for 6 weeks, maybe even 6 months.’
‘I see. When does he leave?’
‘He left, hours after he phoned.’
‘Right.’
I looked over at her. She hadn’t started the car yet. Her jaw was set in a line and she was deep in thought.
‘When did he break up with you?’
‘I broke up with him, on the train, coming down here.’
‘I see.’
She started the car then and pulled out. We didn’t say another word to each other until we got inside the house.
‘I want to look for an apartment and buy a car.’
I said it more to get a conversation going; my mother was being eerily quiet. She turned and smiled.
‘Well that’s just excellent.’ She said embracing me in a bear hug. ‘Why don’t you run up and take a shower. I’ll run to the shops and get some papers and magazines for us to look at and we can start now?!’
It wasn’t the answer I had been expecting but it did sounded like a good idea, at the very least it would take my mind of Brandon. Padding down the stairs a short while later in a soft white towelling robe; the smell of fish and chips hit me – take away, my mother never bought take away!
‘I thought this would be a nice treat for us! Your father’s out and Josh is at a friend’s. I do have a chicken cooked if you would prefer something more substantial but I thought this might be a nice treat.’
‘Thanks mum, this is great.’
‘I know it’s not a special occasion or anything but I thought we could open a bottle of wine.’
I smiled; mum was a firm believer that wine was reserved for drinking at dinner parties, Christmas or celebrations, not just at any old time or meal of the day. She poured us both rather large glasses and I savoured the smell of the fish and chips as she put it in front of me.
‘So what are you looking for?’
‘Oh em... I don’t know...’
‘Well let’s start with the apartment, so we’re sure you can afford one with parking.’
‘Good idea!’
We had a great night laughing and joking and making lists of the ideal apartment and car that I would get. We even found some things to look at, we’d made a shortlist and I was going to call to make appointments to see them all. Lying in my childhood bed I realised a couple of things;
1. I was in love with Brandon. I was really hurt by him leaving, but I wanted him back.
2. I shared my first bottle of wine [well actually two] with my mum tonight and it had been so much fun!
3. My mum was my mum; regardless. Maybe blood relatives weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
I realised before falling asleep that I hadn’t turn
ed my mobile back on yet. I decided I wouldn’t, not until Monday morning. Whatever drama was happening in the world was happening without my input or knowledge for the next 48 hours!
Chapter 17 – No suggestion!
‘Faye are you awake?’
I could hear the faint rap on my bedroom door invade my dreams.
‘Em yea... I think so.’
My mum peered around the door.
‘I brought you this.’ She said handing me a glass of water and two paracetomol. ‘I needed them, I expect you do too. How much did we drink last night.’
‘Two bottles.’
My mum giggled, full on girlie giggles, I’d never heard her laugh that way in my life!
‘Never again Faye, never again.’ Queue even more giggles. She straightened her face and composed herself. Absently fixing books on my night stand she said; ‘I don’t suppose you would like to come shopping with me, down the town, just to have a look?’
‘I would love to mum, but first I need a shower.’
Her face grew into a wide smile.
‘You’ve a lovely smile mum, you should smile more often.’
‘Thanks pet, so do you.’ Her eyes pained a little. ‘We leave in an hour?’
‘Perfect!’
Freshly washed, fed and slightly hung over, we both headed to the shops. We were having the most fun, perhaps that we had ever had together, laughing and giggling and trying on hats and sun glasses like two school girls. I never realised that my mother could be so much fun. I was just about to ask mum if she fancied going to the cinema when I heard someone calling my name in a shriek.
‘Faye! Faye! Over here!!! ... OH hello Mrs. Winters.’
‘Chloe... what..a surprise.’
Mum looked taken aback to see her and Chloe looked shocked to see my Mum.
‘Faye I ... well, I’ve been waiting ages. I didn’t think you were going to come.’
‘Waiting? What do you mean? We hadn’t arranged to meet?’
I noticed a look of relief pass Mum’s face and I realised that perhaps she thought that I had invited Chloe along too, she must have been enjoying herself as much as I was, I liked that.
‘Oh! Didn’t you get my message?’
‘No my phone is turned off.’
‘Oh right, well... am’ She didn’t finish her sentence.
‘Chloe what happened? What’s wrong? Is it the baby?’
‘Baby?! Are you pregnant Chloe?’ My mother looked shocked, which only made Chloe cry harder.
‘Oh God sorry Mum, I meant to tell you but we were having so much fun last night that I forgot.’
My mum smiled. ‘Don’t worry pet. Tell you what, why don’t you two go and grab a coffee and have a chat and I’ll pop into Tescos and get some bits.’
‘Thanks... [hiccup]...Mrs. Winters... [hiccup].’
I smiled gratefully at Mum and walked Chloe in the direction of the Cafe. Buying two sweet teas, a large slice of chocolate cake and several napkins, I joined Chloe at the back of the cafe.
‘Chloe what’s happened? What’s wrong?’
Looking at her now she looked worn and tired and it was clear that she had been crying a lot.
‘My parents.’
‘Oh god, were they in an accident?’
‘No.’ More tears.
‘What happened, please tell me.’
‘We told them... about the baby... and...’
‘And?’
‘They kicked me, in fact threw me out. My mother said she had never been more ashamed of me and that I had ruined my life and that I was no longer to consider myself her daughter. She threw my clothes and things out onto the street and everything from my bedroom window. It was awful.’
‘Oh god Chloe, I didn’t expect that at all.’
‘Me neither... I was so shocked, we both were. I thought they would be so happy. She often talks about how she can’t wait to be a grandmother. She even threw the bottle of champagne we had brought into the bin.’
‘Did you tell her the plan? Everything you and Anthony had discussed?’
‘No, we didn’t get a chance. We were only there about 10 minutes in total.’
I reeled at all the information. Of all the people I was sure that Chloe’s parents would have welcomed her, Anthony and their new baby into the family with open arms; they were just such, well, welcoming people.
‘Maybe it was just a shock reaction, have you tried calling over?’
‘We went this morning. She refused to open the door, wouldn’t let my dad out. I tried calling too but as soon as she hears my voice, she hangs up. Anthony has gone over there now.’
‘Wow... I can’t believe this.’
‘Me either.’
‘It will be ok Chloe, it will.’
‘I hope so, what will I do without my mum?’
I thought the same; mine had literally picked me up off the street last night and been mum and friend to me, a real rock. Who knows what state I would be in if she hadn’t been there.
Anthony arrived shortly after; he’d had no luck either. He took Chloe home, she was exhausted and I went in search of mum. As I walked up to her she looked worried.
‘You ok mum?’
‘I am, well, I am... it’s just... well I ran into Mary Dowse...well you know she lives on Chloe’s road.’
I could imagine where this was going.
‘She saw it all, didn’t she?’
‘I’m afraid so.’
‘How many has she told?’
‘Well there was me, Betty and then Maureen and Liz Toomey.’
It would be around the town by lunch. Ballywaters wasn’t a very big place and there was a phone tree system in place that would outshine any carpooling mum.
‘I told her not to be spreading idle gossip around. But she just replied it was the truth, she had seen it with her own two eyes. I’m afraid it will be the talk of the town.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’
‘How is she?’
‘Not great, very upset. I really didn’t think they would react this way.’
‘It’ll be the shock; people do funny things when they get a shock.’
‘It’s a bit extreme though, to throw your only daughter, well your only child out onto the street with her clothes because she is pregnant. Especially when it’s something you did yourself!’
‘I suppose as a mother Cathy just wanted more for her daughter.’
‘It’s not like it’s the end of the world.’
‘No its not, of course it isn’t. I’m sure this has more to do with Cathy’s situation than Chloe. It’s probably just stirred up a whole host of memories for her. Back then, well when we were young it wasn’t as acceptable as it is now, particularly for the mother. Besides I’m sure Cathy had high hopes for Chloe as a Doctor, a baby will change that now.’
I couldn’t help but think of Chloe for the remainder of the day, which sort of dampened my high spirits. After dinner, I realised that she would have to go through the whole process again tomorrow at lunch with Anthony’s parents. I decided to give her a call for some moral support.
‘Hey missy, how you doing?’
‘Ok, just you know.’
‘Any word from them?’
‘No, nothing. I tried calling around tea time, but they didn’t answer.’
‘Are you still going ahead with tomorrow?’
‘Yea, I just want to get it all over with. At least then, we can get on with it.’
I could see her point. I didn’t relish the idea though.
‘Do you think they will take it badly too?’
‘Well they aren’t going to be pleased. Anthony has said that his mum will probably not say much and if there are any harsh words that I am to remember that he loves me and that we are in this together.’
‘Well that is something.’
‘I suppose. It just... well it’s supposed to be happy isn’t it, a baby. Now we’ll have neither set of parents talking to us, just because I don’t have
a ring on my finger. Hardly reasonable is it?’
‘No, no it’s not.’
She was right of course and shortly after I hung up, I thought about it some more. Why was it that if you were married it was perfectly acceptable but if you weren’t it; was almost considered a crime! I got that a married couple provided a stable, committed environment for a baby; but marriages can break up too. I tried not to dwell on it too much, but it was hard. The only good thing about having Chloe’s upset to distract me was that I wasn’t focusing on my own. It also made me realise that my want for a child would be much better preceded by a ring; although I wasn’t sure I could wait that long. The alternative of having a one night stand or a sperm donor weren’t very appealing though, and really nothing I would give any serious consideration to.
I arrived back home, or should I say to Brandon’s apartment late on Sunday, mobile still off. I could see the answering machine blinking at me in the corner; seven new messages. I guessed they were all from Brandon. I decided against listening to them, instead I poured myself a luxurious bath, filled to the brim with bubbles and lit all the candles I was ‘saving for special occasion’, lathered my face in a cream that promised to exfoliate, moisturise, tighten and rejuvenate my skin all in one and sunk into the warm water. I lay there for a good hour, soaking and thinking. Once or twice I heard the phone ring and I made a mental note to phone Chloe when I got out. I had tried her earlier but there was no answer. I was hoping today had gone well.
As I picked up the phone to dial Chloe’s number it rang, without thinking I answered it.
‘Hello?’
‘Faye, thank god! Where have you been, I’ve called nearly every hour, did you not get any of my messages?’
‘Brandon... well I, I’ve been away. Turned my mobile off, I’m only back.’
‘Where have you been?’
‘I ... that’s none of your business.’
‘Were you with him?’
‘Who?’
‘Nate?’ He spat it out.
‘Not that that is any of your business, but no I wasn’t’
‘Faye, stop this.’
‘Stop what?’
‘This ‘none of your business’ stuff.’
‘Brandon it is none of your business. I broke up with you.’
The Meaning of Purple Tulips Page 9