‘Faye you can’t.’
‘I can and I did.’
‘Please Faye, think about it.’
‘I have, you don’t trust me. You said yourself once a cheater always a cheater. If we don’t have trust what do we have? AND you left the country practically without telling me and without talking to me.’
‘Faye it’s an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.’
‘Brandon I’m not saying you shouldn’t have gone, but what I’m saying is you could have discussed it with me. You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go, or visit or anything like that.’
‘I’m sorry, it was all so rushed. I didn’t think.’
‘Clearly.’ I could feel the anger and emotion rise in my stomach.
‘Faye I love you, please, please don’t do this. Get back with me.’
‘Are you coming home?’
‘I thought you said I should have come.’
‘No Brandon, what I said was ‘ I’m not saying you shouldn’t have gone.’
‘Well I’m staying, it’s something I’ve always wanted.’
‘And what about me?’
‘Faye I want you too.’
‘I mean what am I supposed to do while you are in New York; a boyfriend in the same country is something I’ve always wanted.’
‘It won’t be long, 6 weeks is nothing and if it turns to 6 months we can talk then. I’ll even try and come home some weekend if I can, might be hard, but we could do 6 weeks if we have to.’
I thought about it. Six weeks, it wasn’t a long time. In fact, we were already a week down. I could do it. But no, this was all on his terms, in his apartment, using his phone. If he wanted me, he would have to make a much bigger gesture than saying ‘we can do 6 weeks if we have to’. I hung up the phone, too tired to say anything more or listen to him. I realised falling asleep, that he hadn’t even asked or suggested I visit him in New York.
Chapter 18 – The Dream…
I stood in the hallway with Chloe. I knew the price had to have been a misprint. The letting agent was apologising for any inconvenience caused, I must have seen the listing moments after it went online as it had only remained at that price for about 17 minutes. The misprint meant I couldn’t afford it on my own; besides it was a house and I was looking for an apartment or at least I was supposed to be. A house offered more though, my own parking, a garden, more bedrooms, more rooms to decorate. It was perfect though, a small leafy road, minutes from a bustling high street and 20 minutes’ drive from work. It was even detached; that alone should have been a giveaway.
I walked around it, already in love; imagining what furniture of mine would work and what I would need to buy. The house was old, older than I imagined myself liking. It had a chocolate box appearance from the front that was deceptive. The entrance hallway was large; much larger that you would expect, easily fitting a circular table with a beautiful floral display. The central staircase led up from behind it which had a ‘hallway’ either side that joined, forming almost two open plan rooms broken only by the stairs. Off to one side of the entrance way was a sitting room or formal lounge as the letting agent described it. A large square room, with plenty of period features and a beautiful marble fireplace; it was flooded with light. On the opposite side was an identical room used as a dining room. Off each of these rooms, were a set of double doors that led into the kitchen and family room.
I ventured upstairs before looking at the kitchen; I had seen a small pixelated photograph of it and knew it would tug at my heart strings even more. A beautiful glass window dominated the return on the stair case and I refused the urge to look out and down into the garden. It was a four bed roomed house, not that I needed that much space; yet. The first two bedrooms, both doubles, were identical in size and shape and sandwiched in a family bathroom. The fourth bedroom was definitely a single, perhaps more suited to a home office. The master was flooded in light, with a large four poster bed with draped satin curtains. Chloe and I looked at each other as we marvelled at the storage. The en suite was cream marble with a large Jacuzzi style bath.
I became more depressed as we walked around. I wanted it. I wanted it badly; but I knew I would never afford it. Not on my own and this wasn’t the type of house that you took in lodgers or rented out rooms. This was a home, to be shared with your family. It was a family home, a smart, luxurious family home. The kitchen/ family room was the piéce de résistance I had been expecting. A large open plan room with a beautifully fitted cream kitchen with black marble counter tops. A central cooking island looked down over the dining area and out on to the sitting room that featured an open fire. Two steps down off the main floor led you into a conservatory that was flagged either side by decking. The garden rolled out before you like an orchestra of coloured flower beds and flat lawn. A gardener of course would be required, the previous tenants’ one was still available, I was reliably informed.
The house, in short, was my dream home. It was where I imagined myself.
Walking back down the drive and getting back into my car, my new car, well new to me and driving away broke my heart. I had seen paradise and now I was at pains as to how I was going to get it.
‘God Faye it’s perfect! I even want it!’
‘I know, isn’t it? I’ll never afford it though, not on my own.’
‘What about sharing with someone?’
‘I thought about that, it’s not really the house you share with someone, is it though?’
‘No, I suppose you are right.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘Keep looking, it’s all I can do.’
I looked at loads more properties, but nothing would do. Everything I saw I compared to that first house. It was unrealistic and not helping matters at all, Brandon’s apartment was in such a good location and so big that it was in hot demand and I already had 3 eager renters ready to move in. I hadn’t told him that though. I didn’t want him ‘pushing me out’ now that he was sorted. I had shown my mother the house online. She had fallen for it too. She had said it was the perfect family home, it was of course; my perfect family home.
Brandon continued to call, I never answered. We had agreed, or more so, I had forced him to agree a monthly amount of rent he was happy with. He would only allow we offer it initially for a 3 month lease, which had posed some problems with the potential interested parties but not too many to turn them off completely. If I was honest, the whole ‘trying to find somewhere to live’ was making me rather depressed. Most aspects of my life seemed to be turning out wrong, or at the very least, going through an awful patch. I hadn’t a notion how to rectify it.
Chloe, on the other hand, seemed to have won life’s lottery. She and Anthony had found a house a few streets away from my perfect place. It wasn’t as nice as mine, it needed work but it had the potential to be just as nice. I had told her to go for my property but she said no, that I would get there; then we would be neighbours. I liked the idea; I just didn’t know how realistic it was. While her parents still hadn’t come around or spoken to them, Anthony’s had surprised them and they both had been thrilled with the news of their impending grandchild. His mother had wept, with tears of joy and had already bought out most of Mamas and Papas in preparation. Anthony had even broached the subject of marriage; he had said it was a pre-proposal. The real one would come at some point in the future once the baby was born and would be a surprise but that he wanted her to know that he wanted nothing more than to marry her. Chloe, in her emotional pregnant state spent the week crying in joy. Of course I was happy for her, thrilled, but I was jealous too; she had the perfect man, soon to be perfect home and a baby on the way.
And I had one Ex pestering me from across the pond, another Ex who was continually ‘there for me’, a house I was in love with, that I couldn’t afford and 3 potential renters beating my door down, not to mention an empty womb! I decided I would head home again to clear my head; my last trip had really helped, maybe this would too. Mum was delighted of
course, we’d become very close in the past couple of weeks; almost like girlfriends and not mother and daughter. She was there for me at the train station, a huge smile on her face when it pulled in. She wrapped me in a big hug.
‘It’s great to see you pet.’
‘You too mum.’
‘C’mon quick, into the car. I’ve great news and I promised your father I would wait until we got home before I said anything and I am about to burst.’
'What is it?’
‘I can’t say... but you are going to love it.’
She sat beaming beside me the short journey home. But I noticed as she pulled into the driveway that her mood seemed to change.
‘So we’re home now, tell me what is it...?’
‘One sec, I just need to talk to your father.’
She scurried off, almost ashen as we got inside the door. I could hear hushed tones from my father’s study upstairs. I mounted the stairs quietly and made it about half way.
‘Maura I did try to tell you that...’ it was my father talking. ‘Do you still want to go through with it?’
There was movement so I quickly moved down the stairs and into the kitchen. They arrived shortly after me.
‘Faye, your mum and I... well we have some things to tell you.’
My mum paled beside him. My father took her hand in support.
‘Perhaps, we should all sit down.’
I had no idea where this was going. What would make my mum all happy one minute and then all sad the next?
‘Faye... well... ‘
‘It’s ok love, I’ll tell her.’ My mum’s voice was barely audible.
‘Tell me? Is everything ok? Are you both ok?’
‘Of course we are pet, what makes you think that?’
‘Well you’re both acting very strange. A minute ago mum you were so excited, now you look like someone has died!’
Tears glossed my mother’s eyes and they looked at each other.
‘Faye, there are some things we have to tell you, things we probably should have told you a long time ago.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Faye when I was young, like you I had a best friend, Marie was her name. We were inseparable, did everything together; we were almost like sisters. She died, in a car crash, with her husband about 24 years ago. It was awful, I was devastated.’ Mum paused and looked to the floor. Dad squeezed her hand. ‘I’m ok.. I am…’
I stayed quiet.
‘Faye…she... well they, they left something behind. Faye, they left you behind.’
I sat there, taking it all in. I had imagined how they would tell me. I had imagined how I might react. I felt so calm, so peaceful.
Mum continued.
‘We, your father and I, well we were your godparents. In their Will, they asked us to raise you, as our own, should something happen to them. We were only married a year ourselves. But I loved Marie so much, loved you, we didn’t have to think about it. The moment I heard what had happened, I wouldn’t let you out of my arms. We adopted you almost immediately and well I’ve always considered you my daughter. I’ve rarely thought otherwise. I suppose it’s why I never felt the need to tell you.’
They were both crying now, full, unstoppable tears. Pain etched across their faces. My parents were dead. That answered my question. I tried to feel something for them, but I’d never known them. The parents I had always known were looking at me.
‘I’ve known...’
They looked at me incredulously; ‘What do you mean, you’ve known?’
‘I’ve known for about ten years. You both have blue eyes; I have brown eyes, it’s genetically impossible for you to be my parents. When I discovered that, I went in search of my birth cert. I found them, in the file, the adoption cert too.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘I don’t know really. I didn’t feel the need to. I thought you would tell me when you were ready. And then as time went by, it didn’t seem important.’
My parents were shocked.
‘We never knew; you never let on. Are you ok?’
'Yea, I’m fine, I think. I suppose in a way I knew they had to be dead. I think that’s why I am ok with it. Still it feels weird to know.’
‘I’m sorry we kept it from you.’
‘It’s ok. I think I can understand why. I don’t understand though, why you were so happy when you collected me?’
‘Oh that, well god... I was happy, well I am still happy about that... but well in order to tell you about that we had to tell you this first; to be honest.’
‘Ok.’ I was confused now.
‘We always intended on telling you about them, first when you were 18, then when you were 21, but then as we hadn’t said anything when you were younger we thought we would wait until you were 25 until you could actually use it.’
‘Use what?’
‘Well Marie and Conan, your parents,’ I could see the pain in my mother’s face ‘they left you things, in their will and money. There was a house too, but we sold it and put the money in trust for you. The reason I was so happy... well I hope you don’t mind but I went to view the house you sent me, I was going to call you but ... well when I was walking around it, I knew it was just perfect for you. I was going to ask your father if there was any way we could help you get it then I realised that you’re nearly 25. You can access the money. Faye you could buy the house if you want. The money won’t cover it all, but it will go a long way to covering most of it!’ She finished with a hopeful smile.
‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes, there are other things too, some bits of furniture, jewellery and diaries, all saved for you, but I thought right now, the money would make a difference.’
I sat there, my head reeling. It was a lot to take in. I was adopted, my parents had told me. There was some money and I could possibly buy my dream house. Right now, as happy as that made me, I was curious.
‘What were they like?’
My mother smiled.
‘Would you like to see a picture?’
She got up and went to her writing table in the corner of the kitchen. She slide open the drawer and pulled out a small frame. She handed it to me. I found myself smiling back at me, my arms wrapped around a tall, broad man with sandy hair.
‘I’m just like her.’
‘You are, every day I saw it. Every day you grew more and more like her. You even bite your lip like her; just like you are doing now.’
I looked up at my parents. My mum was wiping tears from her cheeks.
‘Did they suffer?’
My mum shook her head, ‘No, the Doctor said it was instant. A truck hit them, he skidded on some oil, he died too.’
‘Where are they buried?’
‘In the graveyard, it’s why we moved here. So you would always be close to them. Conan, well, he was American, from Utah, he loved Ballywaters; thought it was the perfect place to raise a family. We used to visit the grave regularly, overtime though it became hard. I missed Marie so much, it’s selfish I know.
I nodded. He looked like a nice man. I stood the picture up on the kitchen table and looked at it more. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like for my adopted parents to go through that.
‘I think I need a drink.’
‘I think we could all do with one. I’ll pour us some brandy’s.’ My dad was glad of something to do.
‘Faye, we didn’t mean to hurt you, keeping this from you.’
I looked up at her. ‘I’m not hurt mum, really. It’s just a lot to take in; almost a whole other life.’
My head reeled at everything I had been told.
‘Does anyone else know?’
‘Well our friends at the time did, although we lost touch with most of them over time or they moved away. Your grandparents did of course; well our parents and then of course your biological grandparents although only Conan’s father is alive now. His mother died before you were born and Marie’s parent’s died when you were about 5. I send Gerry a l
etter every year, on your birthday, with a photo. He’s always sent you a birthday and Christmas present but asked that we pass them off as our own or as someone else’s; so as not to confuse you. I’ve kept all his cards for you. Looking back now it seems wrong we kept it from you and him out of your life. But at the time we all agreed it would be best.’
It was sad, my only grandparent that was still alive and I had never met. Mum and Dad’s parents were all dead now too. My parents looked at me, unsure as to what to do or say now.
‘Thanks, thanks for telling me.’ I smiled at the both. ‘I’ll probably have more questions, later, if that is ok?’
‘Of course it is pet; we’ll tell you anything, anything you want to know.’
‘Can we keep it to ourselves? I’ll probably tell Chloe and of course we can tell Josh, but other than that, can we keep it to ourselves?’
My parents looked at me, confused. ‘Of course we can, not that I wanted to go shouting it from the roof tops, but can I ask why?’
‘Well, it’s not going to change much, they’ll still be dead. Besides you and dad will always by my mum and dad. I would like to know more about Marie and Conan; maybe even one day meet my Grandfather Gerry; but you’ll always be my mum and dad.’
‘Aw pet.’ They both rose and engulfed me in a hug. ‘Thanks, thanks so much, thanks for taking this so well. You’ll always be our daughter; our little girl. And Gerry would love that; he would really love to meet you.’
I lay in bed later that night, feeling somehow contented and at peace. Maybe contented wasn’t the right word, I felt whole. That was it; I felt whole for the first time in a long time.
Chapter 19 – Moving on and in
Packing up the last of my boxes, I surveyed the apartment. I was going to miss it here. I was missing Brandon too. I was still so hurt by him. When I eventually returned his messages, I realised he hadn’t been calling to talk or even to try and win me back it was to say that he had found an old mate who was going to rent the spare room and look after the place for him while he was away. He didn’t even ask if I had found somewhere just that his friend would be moving in in a week’s time. I just said that would be perfect and that I would be out in two.
The Meaning of Purple Tulips Page 10