The Meaning of Purple Tulips

by Bláithín O' Reilly Murphy

  ‘Oh my god, you are at it too! Can you not all just leave the weight thing alone! When I go to the Doctor’s on Friday, he is just going to say that I am still too fat to have a baby and all your ‘oh but you’ve lost loads’ is not going to mean a thing! IT DOESN’T HELP!’

  ‘Faye darling, it’s not lies. You really have. Look in the mirror!’

  ‘Oh would you just leave me alone, do you not think I am under enough pressure with all this as it is without having to have it forced down my throat! I’m sleeping in the spare bedroom tonight!’

  ‘Faye please, don’t do that! Come to bed with me.’ He pleaded.

  ‘No, leave me alone!’ I slammed the spare room door behind me.

  ‘Faye please, don’t do this? Come on to bed darling?’

  ‘Leave me alone!’ I threw a pillow at the door to emphasize my point.

  A minute or two passed and there was a small knock at the door.

  'Faye, I have your water here, do you want it?’

  ‘NO! Leave me alone.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘YES… go away.’ Crap I really did want water, but I couldn’t back down now.

  ‘Maybe I could just leave it in on your bedside locker?’

  ‘No I don’t want it!’

  He sighed and I could hear him pad away. I must have drifted off to sleep a short time after that. A few hours later, I woke up a little dazed and very disorientated. Why was I in the spare room? What was Brandon doing asleep in the chair? Memories of last night came back to me then. The fight… what had the fight been about again? Oh yes… being fat. Why had I fought with him about that, I’d had such a great night out. Then I remembered the fight with Chloe too. I groaned, why had I fought with Chloe? I would have to call her and apologize and to the others too.

  My mouth felt like sand paper and my head throbbed. I contemplated getting up and going to the bathroom but I didn’t think I could manage it. I tried to prop myself up in the bed to see how drunk/ hung over I was. I checked my phone, it was still off. Turning it on would wake up Brandon, I wondered what time it was. I reached for my watch and my hand bumped into a glass. Brandon must have left it there for me. My fingers fell across some paracetemol too. My stomach lurched. I had been a bitch to him and yet he still left me water and paracetemol. Finding my watch, I could barely make out the time. It was 5.30am. I crawled out of bed and over to where Brandon was asleep in the armchair. I crawled into his arms and he shifted so that he could wrap the blanket he had around him, around the two of us.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I whispered into his chest.

  ‘It’s ok.’

  ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you too.’ He said kissing the top of my head.

  We fell asleep there and slept for another hour or two until we both realised that we had little room in the arm chair and had many double beds to choose from. We dragged ourselves back into our own room and snuggled back to sleep. It was noon before I woke again. Brandon was already awake, looking down at me.

  ‘Hi.’ He said.

  ‘Hi’ I said back rather sheepishly.

  ‘Faye, I’m sorry.’

  Hold on why was he apologizing?

  ‘Brandon, you have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who should be sorry, who is sorry.’ I corrected myself.

  ‘No Faye, not for last night. I’m sorry for all the pressure you are under. I know neither of us asked or wanted any of this, I only really realised last night how this must be affecting you. Faye, you are what is important to me. I don’t want any of this without you. If this is too much, if you are not ready, let’s put a stop to it all right now. Let’s just go back to being just you and me. Let’s leave the whole baby thing for a while. Even if that means it won’t happen for us. I want you to be happy Faye.’

  ‘I want a baby. Just not like this.’

  ‘Faye I don’t want this to destroy you or us. You’ve been so caught up in all of this that I think it’s just consumed you.’ They were difficult words to hear.

  ‘I don’t know if I can stop all this. We’ve come this far.’

  ‘I know, but I don’t want it to destroy us.’ He looked worried.

  ‘Do you want to stop?’ I was afraid as to what he might say now.

  ‘Only if it’s want you want.’

  ‘I can’t, not now. I’ve invested so much in it.’ But was I prepared for what lay ahead?

  ‘Ok, as long as you are sure.’ He sounded doubtful.

  ‘I’m sure.’ I sounded doubtful too I realised, but only because I was afraid now, things had changed for him.

  ‘Ok, but promise me one thing Faye?’

  ‘Anything.’

  ‘Relax, don’t let this all stress you out and Faye, you really have lost weight.’

  I didn’t believe him but I said nothing. I spent the rest of the day making amends with the girls. I called each of them and apologized, they wouldn’t hear of an apology and told me not to be daft. I was grateful for such great friends. I really needed them, and I would need them much, much more, very soon.

  Chapter 31 – The Two Week Wait

  Dread is an emotion I rarely feel, but dread is what I felt all week. Friday hung over me like a guillotine. I contemplated calling and cancelling the appointment several times but too many people knew about it for me to come up with a realistic excuse to do so. I even contemplated saying that it was the Doctor who had to reschedule – some gynaecological emergency, but that would only buy me a couple of weeks – nowhere near long enough to lose the weight. The appointment was in the afternoon and I was taking the rest of the day off to go home and cry. Mature I know, but I was being realistic this time. Brandon and I had had another fight about him coming. He really wanted to and I didn’t want an audience to witness the fat talk again. He relented and instead said he would wait at home for me. I just hoped he would be in a comforting mood.

  Friday came and I walked around the office like I was headed to the gallows. Everyone stayed out of my way and I am sure I heard them all collectively sigh when I left after lunch. I willed every light to turn red on my way there, anything to delay the inevitable. Of course the universe had a sense of humour and there was no traffic, no red lights and a perfect parking spot right at the door when I arrived at the clinic in record time. I even drove the length of the car park to find something further away but nothing and when I got back to the top, the available spot was even closer the door.

  ‘Thanks!’ I said to the universe as I slammed the car door shut.

  I had just checked in with Dr. Fraser’s secretary, when he was at the door calling my name. Great! Not even five minutes to compose myself before the onslaught! Head down, I followed him into his office.

  ‘Faye, lovely to see you again, how have you been?’ he said brightly.

  ‘Eh, good Doctor thanks.’

  ‘Right, well if you don’t mind I will examine you first, if you could pop up on the table there.’

  Nothing quite like a stranger poking around down there and then telling you, you are too fat to get pregnant, to make a girls day! So legs back in stirrups, I fought back tears and Dr. Fraser got to it.

  ‘Any trouble parking today?’ he inquired.

  He must have the same conversation over and over again with every patient.

  ‘None at all, right at the door.’ I couldn’t but laugh at the irony.

  ' Well that’s great, all looks good. Now if you want to put your trousers back on and pop yourself up on the scales there.’ He encouraged.

  Great, here comes ‘the talk’. Shame faced, I shimmed down the table and onto the scales. I didn’t even look as the dial whisked around and came to rest. I couldn’t bear to see it in black and white.

  ‘Hmmm I see. Ok, would you like to take a seat there Faye?’ Barely glancing at the dial – he was too busy writing ‘still too fat’ in my file, I imagined. I probably would need to sit down for this.

  ‘Well Faye you’ve made great progress 2stone 8lbs is a fa
ntastic achievement. I don’t see any reason as to why we can’t talk through IVF options right now, unless of course you wanted to lose any more weight before then?’

  ‘Sorry excuse me? I’ve lost weight?’ I was shocked.

  ‘Yes Faye, over 2 and a half stone.’ He seemed shocked that I was shocked.

  I sat there, totally flummoxed. I hadn’t dieted, I hadn’t exercised. How on earth had that happened? Then it hit me, I hadn’t eaten. I was so stressed out with everything, I couldn’t eat. How had I not noticed? Over 2 stone, surely I would have had to notice that? I looked down to my belly; the expansive ring that had been there this morning seemed to have disappeared. How did that happen?

  ‘I don’t suppose your husband is with you? It might be a good idea for him to be here too at this point.’ He said trying to bring me back in the room with him.

  God Brandon, I had given him such a hard time about not losing weight, and Chloe too and the girls. I’m such a puz!

  ‘No, he’s not here. He’s at home. I didn’t think much would happen at this appointment.’ I was still in shock and it was very audible in my voice.

  ‘Could he be here soon? I’m sure you are anxious to get things started and I am away for the next 2 weeks on holidays after which I am pretty booked up. I have an easy afternoon, if you two don’t mind waiting ,I would be happy to see you again this evening once I’ve gotten through my other appointments.’ He was genuinely trying to be helpful.

  ‘Oh Doctor that would be great, I’ll call him now.’ I gushed.

  ‘Great, well leave your number with my secretary and I’ll ask her to call you when I’m with my second last patient.’

  ‘Thank you. Thank you so much.’ I was in total shock!

  I could barely dial the number, I was shaking so much. It rung once and Brandon answered it.

  ‘Faye, how are you, did it go ok?’ he was anxious.

  ‘Can you come in? Meet me at the clinic now?’

  ‘Of course, are you ok? Is there a problem?’ He missed my excitement and was full of worry.

  ' No, he wants to talk options. He wants us to start.’ My words came out all squeaky.

  ‘What? Are you serious?’ It was Brandon’s turn to be shocked now.

  ‘Yes, can you meet me here? He has other patients to see but we could get some dinner close by and his secretary will call.’

  ‘Of course, I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

  I sat back in my car but then got back out. It was too nice to sit inside and someone might think I was leaving and it was a prime parking spot after all. To the side of the clinic was a small courtyard garden, pretty rose brushes lined the border and a small fountain spouted water into the air that fell in a soft midst. I sat on a bench and watched as sparrows took a bath in the fountain.

  I went to call Chloe to tell her the news, but stopped myself. No, this was a moment for Brandon and I to enjoy. This was just for us. We were finally on our way to being parents. It was finally going to happen for us. I was ecstatic!

  Brandon arrived a short time later and we went to a nearby restaurant. Neither of us could eat with the excitement. This was actually happening for us. When my phone rang, we jumped out of our skins and were out the door and back at the clinic in a sprint. We sat in the waiting area holding hands not saying a thing.

  ‘Brandon lovely to finally meet you, I am Dr. Fraser. I know you two are probably very anxious to get started on this so I’ll get straight to the point. Has anyone talked you through the process of IVF before?’ He asked looking from one of us to the other.

  ‘No, we’ve done some research ourselves though.’ I answered still a little breathless from the run.

  ‘Good, well I will go through it myself with you, so I know we are both on the same page and if I’ve left anything out just ask.’ He seemed pleased we were a little prepared.

  Dr. Fraser was thorough and subjective in his explanation of what IVF was, what would happen and what we would face. He promised us nothing, made no guarantees and gave us the facts. It was all a lot to take in. We left the clinic almost 2 hours later elated, anxious, worried and deliriously happy. We were on our way to being parents. We understood that we still had a long road ahead of us and many decisions to discuss and make. We had decided to take the 2 weeks that Dr. Fraser was away to meet with the clinic’s Counsellor to discuss the IVF, for Brandon to have his sperm tested, to make sure it wouldn’t cause us any problems – something we had never even considered before, and to talk it through ourselves to make sure it was really what we wanted. It was. It was what we both wanted. I was sure of it; now that we were on the cusp of becoming parents. Brandon sat shocked in the car after our first appointment with Dr. Fraser; he had told me then that all along he wasn’t sure if we were doing the right thing but that he could see how much it meant to me, but now, now that it was actually happening he knew it was the right way forward for us. We bubbled with excitement for the next 2 weeks and couldn’t wait for our next appointment to actually start.

  The worst part about the IVF was the daily injections. Over the months, I had had all the tests in the doctors, I had become a little more comfortable with needles but someone taking your blood and injecting yourself daily were two entirely different things.

  Brandon did it for me. It was difficult for him too but it took me so long to build up the courage to stick the needle in and we were worried if we didn’t do it at the same time each day, it might affect our chances. Using an ice cube, I would numb the area first and then he would jab me. We hadn’t told many people about the IVF, just our parents and Chloe and Anthony. It could be a long road before we were successful and we didn’t want constant questions from people. The egg retrieval went well and out of the hoped for 12 eggs, they were able to remove 11. We felt really positive about it.

  During our sessions with the Clinic’s Counsellor, he had advised us to make a decision on the number of IVF cycles we would attempt. He said it was good to start the process with an agreed end in sight, otherwise one or both of us could become consumed by it and never want to stop. We had agreed that if after 3 attempts, we hadn’t been successful, we would look at alternatives. Because of this, I was really hoping that from the first retrieval we might have enough viable embryos for potentially 3 cycles. We didn’t.

  The Doctors determined that we had 3 suitable embryos. Despite being a little disappointed, I remained positive; three were better than none after all. We agreed all three would be used at this cycle. The Doctor explained to us that our chances of conceiving twins were at 25% and triplets at just 5%. A multiple birth wasn’t something we had really considered but whether we got one, two or three babies, it really didn’t matter; just as long as they were all healthy.

  The day of implantation had arrived. Brandon and I were like kids at Christmas! We hadn’t slept a wink the night before and were up at the crack of dawn. Thankfully, our appointment was first thing in the morning because I don’t think we would have lasted any longer. The implantation went without a hitch and we headed home. Brandon treated me like a precious china doll for the next few days, even though the Doctor said I could return to normal activity immediately. I laughed at him as he followed me around, opening and closing doors for me.

  ‘Hey, you are carrying precious cargo there now, little Brandon Jr. or Brenda or maybe even both of them!’ he winked at me.

  I just laughed. A baby, right now, our baby could be growing inside of me. The two weeks before I would have the blood test to determine whether or not I was pregnant, dragged endlessly. We tried not to build our hopes up too soon, but it was impossible. Out shopping one day, we had to pry ourselves away from the window of Mama’s and Papa’s, everything looked so inviting and miniature. We tentatively walked about the store marvelling at the tiny size of clothes and arguing over which nursery furniture would suit our house better. Our eyes balked at the cost of buggies and prams, car seats and nappy bags. We picked out cuddly toys and wall paper motifs and tossed around ba
by names that we thought would suit the nurseries we were planning. In our heads, we had bought the place out and it was difficult to walk out empty handed.

  Finally test day arrived and we were on tender hooks. My parents were waiting by the phone for the news and Chloe had called three times already that morning, even though she knew the appointment wasn’t until 11am. We sat impatiently in the waiting room that was becoming like a second home to us and waited to be called. The blood was taken quickly by the Nurse and we were asked to wait outside again. As we were called back in again, we both paled. This was it. We would found out whether or not we were going to be parents. I actually thought I was going to be sick all over the Doctor when he opened the door.

  ‘Faye, Brandon, please take a seat.’ He motioned for us to sit and I tried to read his face. It was blank. ‘Your results are back. I’m afraid on this occasion we haven’t been successful. The pregnancy test was negative.’

  I bowed my head. I wasn’t pregnant. I had been secretly so sure I was, almost to the point that I could feel it. Not the baby, just I felt different. I was so sure. I didn’t need to listen to the Doctor after that. We had already decided on a course of action should this happen. I just stared out the window and when Brandon and the Doctor had finished talking; Brandon led me back to the car. All I could think was; I’m not pregnant.

  Chapter 32 – A negative outcome.

  I’d known all along that conceiving on our first try would be a long shot but somehow I got my hopes up. I’m sure you’re not surprised; I came home that evening and went to bed. I didn’t cry. I just lay there. I grieved for the baby that I was so sure I was carrying. I felt a loss that was so tangible it was almost like I had held the baby in my arms for two weeks. I felt so bad that it was left to Brandon to break the news to our parents and Chloe. I just couldn’t face it. I was grateful to him when he asked them to give us a couple of days to ourselves. It’s not that we didn’t want their support; it was just that we needed to grieve first ourselves.

  On Sunday we went to my parents for dinner. It was a sombre affair. I was there in body but not in spirit. I was trapped in a trance that I couldn’t shake out off. I just felt numb.