The Meaning of Purple Tulips

by Bláithín O' Reilly Murphy

  ‘Guys, Maura and I were thinking of heading out to the house in France for a week or two, maybe you would like to come with us? Brandon, your Mum is more than welcome to join us too.’ My dad’s voice broke into my head.

  I tried to focus on the conversation. Actually a week or two away in the sun might just be what the doctor ordered, I thought wryly. I could then come back totally relaxed and refreshed ready to try again.

  I looked at Brandon, ‘Let’s go!’ I felt cheerier once I made the decision.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he looked a little sceptical.

  ‘Yes, I think it would be good to have a break from it all. I’m sure I can get the time off.’ I felt hopeful again.

  Brandon called his mum to see if she was up for it and I would check in the morning with work. All going well, we would be booked and on our way by the end of the week. Leaving my parent’s, I began to feel a little happier.

  That night lying in bed Brandon turned to me;

  ‘Faye, you really amaze me sometimes.’ His voice was flat.

  ‘Why is that?’ I asked a little surprised.

  ‘You just seem to have this amazing resolve.’

  ‘I don’t really.’ I stared ahead of me.

  ‘Oh you do. Going away was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn’t think you would be able for it.’

  ‘I think the distraction would be good for us.’ I wasn’t sure where this was going.

  ‘I hope so.’ He didn’t sound so sure at all.

  ‘Do you not want to go?’ I realised then that I hadn’t actually asked him whether he wanted to go or not, I’d just assumed.

  ‘Well initially no, but now I agree it will probably be good for us.’ I knew he didn’t want to go, but he wouldn’t say it either.

  ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

  ‘Well I couldn’t really, not in front of your parents. Besides you seemed to brighten at the idea.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I had done it again, put myself first. ‘I just thought you would want to go. I didn’t think how all this makes you feel. I’ve been a little self-absorbed haven’t I?’ I said it more directed at me than him.

  ‘Well I understand that. But yea, sometimes I think you feel this is only happening to you. It’s hard on me too. Sometimes I feel I need to be stronger for the two us so that I can support you too. I don’t mind supporting you, but it’s hard on me too.’ It was an honest reply, possibly his first in a while.

  ‘I’ m sorry.’ I meant it.

  ‘It’s ok. You didn’t ask for this either.’

  ‘I know. But still… Do you think we’ll get through it?’ It was my greatest fear that we wouldn’t.

  ‘I hope so… I really do.’ It was his too.

  I realised then that I had totally forgotten about Brandon in all this. In a way, I felt like this wasn’t really happening to him, because it was my body, it was me who was physically living through the process. But he was too. He had to watch, he had to listen and he had to put up with me. Perhaps, this was much harder on him than it was on me. He had little control over it, even less than I did. I couldn’t imagine what that would be like if the shoe was on the other foot.

  ‘Brandon, do you still want to go through with this?’ I was surprised at how easy it was to ask the question.

  ‘We agreed to three cycles. Let’s not revisit making that decision again. It’s too hard.’

  The gravity of the decision we had made, weighed down on me, well I suppose both of us that night. Were we being too cavalier with playing God? Was taking the creation of life outside of the hands of God and nature the right thing to do? Even if we were successful in one of our remaining two cycles, what if it didn’t give us the joy we expected? What then?

  ‘Brandon, what if it’s not what we expect. Do you think we are doing the right thing?’ It was an important question, one I don’t think I had asked before.

  ‘I thought we were. Now it’s very real. Don’t get me wrong, I want children, I do. But it feels a little like we are playing God.’

  ‘Yea I know what you mean.’ We were on the same page that was good.

  We didn’t talk again for the rest of the night. What do you say to that? You agonize for months and years over it, you have the IVF, it doesn’t work and then gravity hits. Morality and IVF was not something I had really ever considered before. I saw IVF as a miracle way that helped couples who possibly had no other options. Was I being irresponsible? The gift of life was a miracle, was what I was doing the same thing? Thinking back to the wall of babies in Dr. Fraser’s office I thought, how could anyone say that each and every one of them wasn’t a tiny precious miracle that should never have been created? Sure with IVF, we were selecting the healthiest, strongest embryos that stood the best chance but isn’t that exactly what my body would do naturally if it worked for me? Yes science was helping me, but wasn’t science just using the laws of nature to do the very same thing just outside my body? Even with the added help of the doctors, nature still played its part and decided whether or not the embryos would develop full term. Even with a helping hand from science; nature had the ultimate control. I wasn’t playing God; I was just trying to witness one of his miracles.

  Chapter 33 – Just for love

  I stretched in my seat as we waited at the gate to board our flight. We were headed out to France a few days before my parents and Brandon’s mum got there. It would be nice just to spend some time totally alone. Our flight was called and we boarded in turn. I cast my mind back a couple years and thought of how all this had been an everyday normality for me. In that briefest of moments, I allowed myself to think where I might be and what I might be doing if I hadn’t come home from Paris when I did.

  For a split second I thought of Jake. It’s something I hadn’t done in a very long time.

  Brandon touched my arm and steered me in the direction of our seats and the thought was gone. I sat back in my seat and closed my eyes; I had promised myself that I was not going to think about babies or IVF or any of that, while I was away. I was going to enjoy the next 10 days and relax. I casually flicked through a magazine as the plane took off. Brandon was already nose deep in a book and I smiled as his face displayed the emotions he was reading. As we rose in the air I began to feel rather queasy. Something I had never experienced before while flying.

  ‘Perhaps the full Irish wasn’t a good idea this morning.’ I said to him.

  ‘Oh really, yea… you do look a little pale. Will I ask for some water or something?’

  ‘Yea, would you please?’ I said fighting back the latest wave.

  I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing as a wave of nausea came over me. I sipped the water slowly but I really didn’t think it was making me any better. Thank god, this was a short flight. For the first and second time in my life, I threw up on a plane. The first time I barely got the small paper bag open in time and the second I was already long in the toilet, waiting its arrival. I hoped this would pass quickly; the last thing I wanted was to be sick on holidays. After that, the flight couldn’t end soon enough. Brandon thought it was hilarious.

  ‘Serves you right for eating so much’ he taunted me.

  As a rule, he never travelled on a full stomach. It always made him uncomfortable. It had never bothered me before and I had been ravenous this morning when I got up. Touching down in France, I barely made it off the plane and to the toilets before I was at it again. I rocked back onto my heels steadying myself with the toilet bowl. I was suddenly exhausted. I washed my face, scrutinizing myself in the mirror I looked worn and pale. Crap, maybe I was coming down with something.

  I dozed in the taxi on the way to my parent’s summer house. They had bought it when my father retired 2 years ago and spent 4 months of the year living here. It was a roomy 4 bed roomed villa situated on a small plot, a 5 minute walk outside a small sleepy French village. It had a small pool and nicely landscaped gardens and was a lovely little relaxing tranquil place to visit. As we pulled up outsid
e, I felt better. I opened up, as Brandon brought our things in. A local woman acted as house keeper and care taker when my parents were away and she had been in already and brought some supplies and aired the place out.

  I took off my shoes once inside and the cool terracotta tiles were lovely underfoot. It was actually a really nice warm day and I walked around opening up all the shutters and French doors, flooding the villa in light. Brandon was taking our bags up to our room and I sat down on the sitting room couch, contemplating whether to have a swim or unpack. I was asleep before I knew it.

  I woke an hour or two later and could see Brandon out in the garden. He had changed into a white linen shirt and mocha shorts. I watched as he read his book and sipped a glass of wine. Feeling mischievous, I stripped off my clothes and tip toed out to the garden. Brandon looked up just as my body sliced through the water. He watched as I swam the length of the pool, surfacing almost parallel with him. Pulling his shirt off, he walked over to the edge of the pool. Playfully, I pulled him in before he had time to take off his shorts.

  ‘You’re mad!’ he said as he surfaced.

  ‘It’s why you love me.’ I replied as I wrapped my legs around him.

  ‘One of them!’ He said as he kissed me, pulling me down on him. His shorts obviously hadn’t survived the impact.

  Getting out of the pool later, I was ravenous again. We gorged on fruits and cold meats and mouth-watering breads and emptied another bottle of wine before collapsing into bed, exhausted. When I woke the following morning I was still exhausted and that nauseated feeling had returned. I rolled over to see what time it was. It was midday. I heard Brandon in the bathroom. I can’t believe we had slept that late.

  All I got was a weak, ‘No…’

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I think I have whatever you have.’ I heard him retch then and that sent me off. I ran down the hall to the main bathroom.

  Great, we come away on holiday and we get sick! Typical! We took it easy for the rest of the day and as it progressed, we began to feel better.

  ‘You look brighter hun.’ Brandon said, looking up from his book.

  ‘Yea I feel a little better. How are you?’

  ‘Yea I feel right as rain now. Fancy heading out for a bite tonight or do you want to stay here?’

  ‘Oh! Let’s head into town. Nothing too fancy though. What about the Italian?’ I had a craving for cheesy garlic bread.

  ‘Oh perfect! I was hoping you would say that. I have a craving for cheesy garlic bread!’

  ‘He he me too!’ we were so perfectly matched I thought!

  I took a nap before we headed for dinner. I couldn’t get over how exhausted I was all the time. But I reasoned, this is what holidays were for, relaxing and recuperation! I hummed as I got ready later. This is exactly what we both needed. A bit of us time! And tomorrow our parent’s would arrive. Since our wedding, my parents had sort of taken Maple under their wing; not that she needed the protection of any wings, Maple was a very independent woman, something I think that both excited and cast fear in my Mother.

  Normally these two women would probably never have socialised but as they had a common denominator, Brandon and I. They had forged a rough friendship. For the most part, my mother pitied Maple because she didn’t have a husband and for the most part Maple loathed my mother because of the pity; but somehow they got on. Perhaps, that was just for us, I was thinking as I searched through the various presses in the bathroom, looking for my makeup – Brandon had unpacked for me and today was the first day I had needed it since we arrived. I stopped short when I found my makeup and saw what was right beside it. Hmmm now that was strange…

  ‘Hey you ready yet, I’m starved!’ Brandon interrupted my train of thought and I threw on my face quickly as he danced around the door.

  ‘Come on woman, you are gorgeous!’ he groaned from the doorway.

  ‘Ok, ok I am coming!’ I smiled.

  We had a lovely night out, eating under the stars amongst the locals in the small Italian restaurant. The food, as with most restaurants’ in France was first class and we walked home hazily after 2 bottles of wine. We made love that night and it felt better than it had done in a long time. This time wasn’t for a baby, this time wasn’t because we had to, this time was because we loved each other.

  Chapter 34 – Sun, Shock and a Surprise.

  I like to think of myself as an optimistic person. But there was optimistic and then there was downright delusional. I was standing impatiently in line at the checkout contemplating this. I was just getting a few bits in before our parent’s arrival. Brandon had already left to collect them from the airport in the small Clio, my parents had bought for running around in. Could this checkout woman take any longer, honestly, sometimes the French were just too laid back! Finally, I was finished and out the door. I practically ran back to the house and put the groceries away. I had spent the morning cleaning and placing flowers from the garden in each of their rooms so everything was ready for their arrival. It was lovely and bright and the house was filled with the sweet smell of lavender from the garden.

  I hesitated as I opened my bag. Was I setting myself up for a fall? I thought about discussing my theory with Brandon but thought better of it. If I was wrong it would only get both our hopes up again, even if for a moment, and this holiday was supposed to be an escape. I held the small box in my hand and thought about it again. I know I said that if I bought it, I was committed to doing it but I could very easily just throw it away too. No-one would know.

  I sat on the edge of the bed. Should I be doing this, was this just torturing myself? I thought of the date again. As I closed the bathroom door, I laughed, there was no one here to walk in on me. I blinked in total disbelief as the second line came into view. No! No, I don’t believe it. I took the second stick out of the box and dipped it into the glass and closed my eyes again. I squeezed them tightly shut. I had to force myself to look, two lines. I was pregnant.

  But how, the blood test, it had been negative. Maybe these were wrong. Don’t get your hopes up Faye; you need to see a Doctor. I tried to bring myself down to earth, but I couldn’t! I was pregnant! Finally! I knew it, I knew I was. Instinctively, my hand went to my stomach… little Brandon Jr. or Brenda was in there. I was pregnant! I couldn’t wait for Brandon to get back so I could tell him! I would have to go to the Doctor to confirm before we told anyone else but I was positive the two tests I had just done were right! I couldn’t sit still and was up at the door at the first sign of noise and movement. Eventually, I heard the car pull up and I was up and out the door in the flash. Calm down Faye, you’ll give it all away!

  ‘Faye, darling you look radiant!’ my mother was the first one out of the car.

  ‘Good weather and fine foods agree with me then!’ I joked light heartedly.

  I kissed them all and Brandon mouthed ‘What’s up with you?’ as he took the bags from the boot. I just tipped my nose. I’d prepared lunch and after washing and changing, we all met on the terrace. We chatted about what we had done since we arrived and they told us about the bad weather they had left back home. I was watching the time, I had made an appointment to see the Doctor and I had to be there in 35 minutes. It was a 2 minute drive away but I hoped they would be tired enough to head for a rest after lunch and Brandon and I could sneak away without suspicion.

  He was looking at me questioningly from the other side of the table. I just kept smiling at him. Thankfully minutes later my dad let out a big yawn and announced he was going to lie down. My mother followed suit as did Brandon’s mum.

  ‘Quickly,’ I hissed, ‘out to the car!’

  ‘Why? What’s going on?’

  ‘Shh I’ll tell you outside.’ I hissed back.

  ‘Well… what’s going on?’ He whispered as he closed the front door behind us.

  ‘You are not going to believe me.’ I said fishing in my hand bag for the 2 tests.

  ‘Well don’t keep me in suspense … what is it?’ He was
practically jumping up and down.

  ‘I’m pregnant!’ I said handing him the two tests.

  He stared wide eyed at them and then back to me. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Well as serious as I can be. That’s why we need to go to the Doctor to be sure. C’mon we’ll be late, I made an appointment.’ I said pushing him towards the car.

  He hugged me tightly and his hand went to my stomach.

  ‘C’mon you, before they notice we are gone!’

  Sitting in the Doctor’s surgery, Brandon looked up at me ‘I know I am not going to understand what he says, but can I come in anyways?’

  ‘Of course you can you lunatic!’ I had to smile.

  The Doctor looked me over and the nurse took some blood. We waited nervously while the test completed. This would explain the nausea, the vomiting, the tiredness, the hunger, the lack of a period that I was supposed to get 5 days ago. I can’t believe I hadn’t put it all together until I saw the pack of unused tampons I had brought with me in the bathroom press last night. Still I could be wrong; all those things could also be symptoms of something else entirely. But please let me be right!

  I looked up hopefully at the doctor as he sat back down. Brandon looked from one to the other and back again as the Doctor spoke to me in French. I could see it was killing him, not being able to understand what was being said but he didn’t breathe a word. In fact, he wasn’t breathing at all. When the Doctor finished I was speechless. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Tears streamed down my face and I just nodded. Brandon burst out crying too… we must have looked a right state. In broken English the Doctor said ‘This is good, no?’

  We just hugged each other and cried, it was Brandon who spoke for us, ‘This is very good.’

  We took a few minutes to compose ourselves and after leaving instructions for the test results to be sent back to Dr. Fraser, we left grinning like Cheshire Cats. I phoned Dr. Fraser on my mobile as we pulled into the small shopping district. Brandon went in to buy some champagne as I filled the good Doctor in on the latest development!