The Meaning of Purple Tulips

by Bláithín O' Reilly Murphy

  Chapter 39 – An impossible decision.

  Grief is an all-consuming emotion. It seems to multiply as it takes hold. It works its way into every facet of your life and seeks to destroy where it can. Numbness and despair are its companions and together they wreak havoc on what they can possess.

  Grief is a good place to hide when you are faced with a decision that will alter your life, that of your families and that of total strangers. I hid in grief. I hid there from my family, I hid there from my husband and I hid there from myself. Unfortunately, it doesn’t provide a very good hiding place. People easily find you and because grief has a process, you can’t stay there forever.

  I was carrying a precious little miracle that wasn’t mine any longer. Somewhere in Dublin, a couple, much like Brandon and I, waited for a decision, a decision that would make or break their lives. In my darker moments, I blamed myself. What was happening was my punishment. My punishment for all I had done wrong in my life. I was being punished for what I did to Nate, the betrayal of the affair. I was being punished for being selfish, for only thinking of myself throughout this. I was wreaked with guilt. I stared at the ultra sound pictures we had framed on the wall. The future I had imagined for us all slowly evaporating in my mind’s eye.

  ‘Faye, we need to talk about this, about what we are going to do.’ Brandon tried to break through to me.

  ‘I know.’ Was all I could say.

  It was 2 days later; we’d said nothing to no one, not even each other. Brandon was still too angry and I was still in shock. It was so hard to carry on like nothing was wrong, but we needed to decide what we were going to do before anyone else knew. Gerry walked around the house, as though on egg shells, he was a gracious guest and busied himself in the garden or reading so that we could talk. He had made an acquaintance of Nigel, our singleton neighbour down the road and had been invited for dinner that evening; while I loved having him here, I was glad of the break.

  ‘Faye we need to talk about this, I think you should have the termination. It’s all too risky. Think of the stress this will put on you. It was different when it was ours. We have to think what’s best for you, for our future.’

  ‘Brandon I’m not having an abortion, I could never do that?!’

  ‘Why not? It’s not your child, you don’t love it. Why would you have a child for someone else? Faye you have to have one. I’m sorry for these people and all, but we have ourselves to think of. Have a termination and then we can try again.’

  ‘Of course I love this baby; I’ve been carrying it for almost 9 weeks! Are you telling me you didn’t love our baby.’

  ‘Faye don’t be ridiculous, of course I will love our baby, but this isn’t our baby.’

  ‘It was, up until 2 days ago. Are you saying you just turned off your feelings, just like that? Once you heard it wasn’t biologically ours?’

  ‘Of course I did, what did you expect that I would just keep on loving it when it wasn’t mine? Besides Faye, there is nothing ‘to love’ right now. I loved the idea of the baby and the fact that one day, when it’s born; it will be ours; why would I love it now when it’s not?’

  ‘Brandon, I can’t possibly have an abortion, I just can’t!’

  ‘Why, there is nothing to it?’

  ‘Nothing to it, you want me to kill our baby.’

  ‘Faye, for starters it is not our baby and it’s not even alive yet!’

  ‘Brandon of course it’s alive, it’s growing inside of me.’

  ‘Faye, I don’t see why you are making such a big deal about this. It’s not ours, why should we put ourselves through the inconvenience of having a baby for someone else?’

  ‘’The inconvenience?’ Are you serious? Is this what this is to you, an inconvenience?’

  ‘Well frankly yes, I told you from the start that I thought it was too soon for us to start a family and now this!’

  ' How can you even say this? Where has all this come from?’

  ‘Where has what come from?’

  ‘All this talk of abortion?’

  ‘My mother suggested it and I have to agree.’

  ‘Your mother, you told your mother?!’

  ‘Of course I told her.’

  ‘But we haven’t told anyone!’

  ‘I needed to talk to someone.’

  ‘Could you not talk to me?’

  ‘Before I spoke to you, I needed a sounding board. To see how I felt about things.’

  ‘So you talked to your mother and together, you agreed I should have an abortion? How could your mother even suggest such a thing, she’s a mother herself.’

  ‘My mother’s had abortions.’

  ‘Abortions? As in more than one?’

  ‘Yes, I think about 5 or so.’

  ‘What, are you kidding me?’

  ‘No, why would I kid about a thing like that?’

  I stared at him in shock.

  ‘I just can’t believe this.’

  ‘Believe what?’

  ‘Well that you want me to have an abortion and you seem perfectly at ease at the fact that your mother has had 5 abortions.’

  ‘Why should it bother me?’

  ‘Don’t you just think it’s heinous? They are your brothers and sisters, she aborted.’

  ‘No they’re not, they never existed.’

  I shook my head. ‘I’m not having an abortion Brandon.’

  ‘Faye what are you thinking?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  It was true, I didn’t. What was I thinking? Was it worth putting myself through all this for a couple I didn’t know? Would they appreciate the gift I could give them, as much as I would? Who were they? I agonised as to whether it would be easier or harder to make a decision if I knew them. Right now they were couple X and we were couple Y. Couple X sounded sinister and foreboding and made it hard to warm to the idea of giving them my baby, correction, giving them their baby.

  ‘If I have an abortion Brandon, we are taking away their chances.’ I’m not sure if I meant it as a statement or an answer.

  ‘I know Faye, but that’s not my priority.’

  I looked at Brandon, not for the first time, I realised how selfish he was. But then of it, if I was being punished for all I did, was I being a cheat if I agreed to carry the baby to term in the hopes of being exonerated for it all? Was that equally as selfish as not keeping the baby? If I terminated the pregnancy, I killed an innocent life, destroyed a couples hope and changed the course of their lives forever and I would have to live with the guilt and the ‘what if’s’ for the rest of my life. If I had the baby, I could forfeit my chances of our own family with the stress it would put on my body, face countless medical problems or possibly lose Brandon and maybe, never be able to live with the grief of having to give it up.

  ‘Brandon if I had an abortion I would never be able to live with myself.’

  ‘Of course you would Faye; you would just get on with it.’

  Who was this man I had married? I couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth. I couldn’t understand how he could be so flippant about abortions and to be absolutely fine with the fact that his mother had had multiple ones, not just one!

  ‘Besides Faye, do you think if you had the baby, you would be able to give it up? Imagine how hard that will be. An abortion is quickest and easiest, less painful in the long run. Faye we can try again.’

  ‘I know. But they can’t.’

  I’m not even sure if that’s what it really came down to. Sure it weighed heavily on my mind, but it wasn’t even the fact that they had no other chances, or maybe it was, maybe just a little, but could I really put myself and Brandon in front of an innocent baby’s life?

  ‘Brandon, if I carry this baby, will you leave me?’

  ‘I can’t even contemplate that question.’

  ‘What do you mean?! Are you going to ask me to choose between you and the baby?’

  Brandon didn’t answer.

  ‘Don’t make me choose Brandon.
That’s an impossible choice. One I don’t know how to make.’

  ‘Faye I can’t believe you would put another couple’s happiness ahead of ours.’

  ‘I’m not; they are not the reason I am making this choice. This baby is alive, in me; I can’t turn my back on it. Who has it got?’

  ‘And what about me? Is this not turning your back on me and us?’

  ‘Brandon, I’m not turning my back on you. I need you. I need your support in this. I can’t do this alone, any of it. Can’t you see, this is an impossible decision to make? No matter what WE decide, and this is a WE. People’s lives will change forever. Don’t you realise that this isn’t just about you and me. It’s not fair, we didn’t ask for his. But here we are. We have to face this. Right now, we’re responsible for an innocent baby and you want me to end their life. How do you think that makes me feel?’

  ‘How do you think I feel? You could die. I could lose you. I can’t bear the thought. I can’t believe this has happened. How does this happen, in this day and age? Someone has to pay and I don’t want it to be you; with your life.’

  ‘Brandon, that’s not going to happen, nothing is going to happen to me. You are being a little over dramatic. I’m pregnant, I don’t have a terminal condition and if at any point, the pregnancy puts me in danger, we’ll end it; how about that?’

  ‘Ok, ok. I’m sorry. I’m just so angry that this has happened to us. This was supposed to be such a happy time. We were supposed to be a family. Now all that is going to be taken away from us.’

  ‘We’ll always be a family. As you keep saying, we’re young, we can try again.’

  ‘You promise, anything puts you at risk and you’ll end it?’

  ‘I promise.’

  I hoped this was a promise I would be able to keep.

  Chapter 40 – Families!

  Hot piercing tears flowed as I sat on the cold hard rock face. I was taking a moment before I met Brandon at my parents. We were going to tell our parents today. We couldn’t keep it from them any longer; they were becoming suspicious and asking persistent questions that couldn’t be dodged any longer. Gerry knew of course, I’m sure he did from the start but he was kind enough to act surprised when I told him. Now that the cat was out of bag, it was unfair to keep it from the rest of the family any longer.

  I dreaded telling them all, it would make it all the more real. There would be absolutely no hiding from it now and I was more than a little apprehensive as to how the conversation might go. What if Maple shared her views and experiences on abortion with my mother? Taking a deep breath, I looked out across the bay one last time and stood up and walked briskly back to the car. Now was as good a time as any to face reality.

  As we sat around the kitchen table, they all looked so happy..

  ‘Mum, Dad, Maple, there is something Brandon and I need to tell you all. It’s not going to be easy. I’m afraid we have some devastating news.’

  I swallowed deep before continuing. Gerry smiled at me; he had been so supportive when I had told him last night.

  ‘It turns out, that the baby isn’t ours.’ I kept going before anyone spoke. If I didn’t get it all out now I don’t think I ever would. ‘There was some mix up at the clinic and we were implanted with the wrong embryos. Ours were given to another couple. They didn’t result in pregnancy.’

  It came out easier than I expected it to. I hadn’t cried or stumbled. Then again, I had had 7 days to digest the news and implications. Silence descended around the table. My mother paled, Brandon’s mother sat stone faced, pretending it was the first time she had heard the news, tears glistened across my father’s eyes. He would take this the hardest. I knew he would.

  My mother was the first to speak, ‘I don’t understand, how, why…’ her voice trailed off.

  ‘We found out at the start of the week,’ I continued, ‘an administration error of some sort. Mine and the other patient’s name, details and files were very similar. We’ve been trying to decide what to do all week, whether or not to continue with the pregnancy, for the other couple.’

  All the eyes widened. It was just about sinking in, the gravity of all of this.

  ‘Another couple, I never imagined.’ She said as she took my hand.

  ‘I think you should have an abortion.’ I wasn’t surprised when Maple spoke.

  ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell her.’ Brandon was pleading with me again.

  My parents looked as though they had been shot.

  ‘Faye you can’t possibly be thinking like that?’ My mother looked at me incredulously.

  ‘Of course she can Maura, this is the 21 st century. Abortion is very common.’

  ‘Not in my world Maple, not in my world.’ Was my mother’s stern reply.

  ‘I think it’s the best option. Gives Faye and Brandon, a clean slate to start again and try for another baby if that’s what they both want.’ She patted Brandon’s hand as she said it.

  ‘No, definitely not, no daughter of mine will have an abortion.’

  ‘She’s not your daughter though is she?’

  A low blow from Maple, I was surprised, but somehow not shocked.

  ‘Maple that was uncalled for. I am my mother’s daughter.’

  She sat defiantly at the table.

  ‘Faye are you considering an abortion?’ My father asked.

  ‘Of course she is Declan, it’s the best option.’

  ‘There is no best option in this scenario, Maple.’ For the first time I was really beginning to dislike my mother in law. ‘I’m carrying someone else’s child, not by choice but I still have the child and the other couple to think of.’

  ‘As I said to Brandon, I don’t think this other couple should even be a consideration. You need to think of yourselves in this.’

  ‘Of course we’re thinking of ourselves Maple, but we’re not the only factors. Would you feel the same if it was the other way around; them carrying our child?’

  ‘It’s not though, so why consider it?’

  ‘God you really are a selfish women, aren’t you?’

  ‘Faye that is uncalled for, apologise to my mother?!’

  I glared at Brandon I couldn’t believe where this was all going. ‘I need some fresh air. Please no one follow me.’

  I felt stifled by them all and the situation and walked straight out the door before I screamed blue murder at the lot of them. I walked down the drive and right out into the town. I walked to the centre of the small village of Ballywaters, into the park and up to the small bridge, where I stood and looked at the ducks below.

  ‘Faye, are you ok?’

  ‘I told you not to... Nate... what are you doing here?’

  ‘I well, I was out visiting my folks and was just about to leave when I saw you head out, you looked upset; I’ve been calling you.’

  ‘Oh sorry I didn’t hear.’

  ‘Are you ok?’

  ‘No...’

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  I fell into his arms crying, ‘I’m pregnant...’ I say through muffled sobs.

  ‘Surely that’s a good thing, you’ve always wanted a baby?’

  ‘You knew that?’

  ‘Of course, I knew you always wanted a baby. But why are you so upset about being pregnant now?’

  ‘It’s not mine.’

  ‘What, what do you mean it’s not yours?’

  ‘I don’t believe it, is this why you said not to follow you? So you could go running to him?’

  ‘Brandon I...’

  ‘Forget in Faye, forget it... I don’t want to hear it.’

  ‘Brandon please, don’t run... sorry Nate, I’m going to have to go after him.’

  By the time I got back to the house Brandon and his mum had already left.

  ‘Faye, em Brandon said to tell you he would be spending some time at his mother’s. What happened?’

  I collapsed into a chair.

  ‘Faye what happened?’

  ‘I went to the park and he found me talk
ing to Nate. I think he thinks I went there to talk to him.’

  ‘Did you?’ I looked at her in disbelief, ‘Sorry for asking pet, but well, he did turn up at your wedding and propose!’

  ‘No, I didn’t, he followed me there, he saw me leave here upset. God this is such a mess! What am I going to do?’

  ‘Well there is nothing you can do tonight, let Brandon have some space. Darling, I was wondering, as to whether or not you have come to a decision. What are you going to do about the baby?’

  ‘Please mum I can’t even think about that just now.’

  Chapter 41 – History comes close to repeating itself.

  I was grateful that neither the clinic nor my doctors pressurised us into making a decision. Two weeks had gone by since we were told and while they offered us counselling and any other help we wanted, our only contact with them was to monitor the baby’s and my health. Brandon had refused to move back home until I made a definite decision and even then he wasn’t sure if he would. He felt betrayed by my inability to make a decision or ‘listen to reason’ as he put it and the fact that Nate seemed to crop up at all the crucial moments in our life had not helped matters. Gerry, bless him, had extended his stay and changed his ticket to an open ended one so he could return home at some distant point in the future. I was so grateful for his company in the evenings. Sitting with him was such a comfort.

  ‘Faye, can I ask you a question, a rather personal one?’

  I looked up from the book I was trying to read as Gerry stood in my doorway.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Do you love Brandon?’

  Somehow the question didn’t seem odd at all. I thought about it for a long while before answering. ‘Honestly, I really don’t know. I did. At least I thought I did.’

  ‘I thought as much.’

  ‘Why do you ask?’

  He looked at me thoughtfully.

  ‘Joyce wasn’t my first love, or even my first wife.’ He took a short pause and I imagined in his mind’s eye he was transported back to another time. ‘I was married at 18 to Emma; she was the love of my life. Oh you would have liked her. Beautiful girl, gorgeous chocolate coloured hair and the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen. We were childhood sweet hearts, it seemed inevitable to us and all, that we would marry and of course we did. It was Emma’s sole purpose in life to be a mother. It’s all she ever wanted; her own children. I loved her so much, it’s all I wanted for us too. After two years of marriage we were still childless. Emma watched as our friends had one and sometimes two in that space of time. As the months went by she became increasingly depressed and withdrawn. I soon realised that while she cared for me, she didn’t love me. To her, I was the means to an end, a way to have children. One evening I asked her did she love me, it was possibly the worst thing I ever did.’