Atancia

by Figueiro, Wren

  We walked down the hall until we reached the doors of the ICU. Ben pressed the intercom button. “Atancia Clark here to see Natalia Orozco, please,” he told the nurse who answered. The door swung open, and we stepped inside. The nurses were busy either helping patients or at the desk; they didn’t look up or notice us walking. We needed to be in the room alone, so Ben went in to see if anyone was there. I had told him to tell Dolores I needed some time and to please give me a chance to speak to Nana alone. She came out and gave me a sorrowful look but did not speak. Ben came to the door and took my hand as I went into the room.

  Again I noticed how old Nana looked. It was so clear on her features that I didn’t know how I had missed it for so long. The sickening sound of the ventilator droned behind her, and it made me go into a slight panic. I started to hyperventilate, and Ben sat me down on the lounge chair in the corner of the room before kneeling to speak to me at eye level.

  “Atty, calm down. You can do this. Breathe slowly,” he directed as he held both my hands and kept his gaze steady on mine. I worked on matching my breath to his, trying to exhale for a few seconds longer than I inhaled. This was not the time to have a panic attack, and I longed for the days before I’d ever had one, when I could do anything I wanted without having to count my breaths.

  Twenty minutes passed before I was fully under control again. I stood up and sat on the edge of Nana’s bed. I looked up at Ben standing on the other side of the bed, and he just smiled and nodded. He had more confidence in me than I had.

  I turned my focus back to Nana and whispered, “Nana, I’m going to try to help you. I really hope that I can. You are the person I love the most in the world; you’re my entire family. You need to know how much I need you, Nana. Please take what I give you and get better. I don’t want to lose you.”

  I took hold of her hands and closed my eyes. I blocked out everything else around me. I focused on my breathing and the energy flowing through me until I could no longer hear the ventilator or the occasional beeping of the machines that monitored Nana’s blood pressure and oxygen absorption. All I could hear was my breathing, and all I could feel was the energy that was slowly leaving my body and transferring to Nana’s.

  She didn’t so much as shudder, but I didn’t know if that was just because I was working so smoothly or because she was unconscious. I expected that she might once she became more aware. The seconds ticked by but nothing was changing. Half the energy I had accumulated was gone, but Nana kept lying still as she had for weeks. I stopped for a moment and looked at Ben, “You can feel it going in, right? Can you feel her stirring at all?”

  “I can feel it going in, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. It’s like the energy is going into her, but her cells are not absorbing it and responding. I haven’t ever felt that in someone, but I’ve never really felt energy going into a human so who knows how it should work. Keep trying, Atty; you still have a lot left, maybe she just needs it all.”

  I thought of something then that hadn’t occurred to me, “Ben, what about the ventilator? If she wakes up, won’t it freak her out?”

  “She’s drugged, Atty. More than likely she won’t wake up even if she is restored to complete health. We’ll have to wait to see how her body responds. I’m sure the doctors will come in if the monitors note a change in her breathing.” I shot him a panicked look at that. “I’ll keep them outside if you’re still working. Don’t worry, relax and keep going.”

  I returned my attention to Nana and closed my eyes again. I continued transferring as smoothly as I could until there was only enough left to sustain me. Nana still didn’t seem different. I was on the verge of tears, and I didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t even feel what he had said about the cells not absorbing; his perception must be much more sensitive than mine. “That’s all I can give, Ben! Do you feel anything different?”

  “I can’t tell, Atty. There’s so much energy in her. Maybe her body just needs time to adjust. Let’s just wait a while, OK?”

  He walked around the bed and put his hand on my shoulder. We stayed like that until visiting hours were almost over. A nurse walked in to inform us we would need to leave in 10 minutes. “Come on, Atty, we need to go. We’ll be back early tomorrow. Maybe it just takes a very long time.”

  I appreciated his positive words, but I knew that he was wrong. This wasn’t going to work and tomorrow I would lose Nana forever. I let him lead me to the car, and we drove back to the house. He didn’t stay downstairs this time. He lay and held me in my bed as I cried myself to sleep. I prayed in between the tears, hoping that a miracle would happen and Nana would be awake in the morning, but I knew the chances weren’t good.

  Chapter 17

  I woke to a shrill noise that made me shoot straight up in bed. Ben had sat up a split second before me and recognized the noise before I did. He reached for my phone, which I had left on the nightstand, the screen being the only light in the room. He listened for a second before hastily telling the caller that we’d be right there. He sprung from the bed and turned the room light on before running back to me and pulling me out of bed.

  “We have to go, Atty. Something’s wrong with Nana. The doctors are working on her now, but it doesn’t look good, and they want us to get there as soon as possible.”

  I just stood and stared at him for a moment, my heart racing with fear. He stood in front of me and took my hand. “You have to get dressed, Atty, come on.”

  “Yes, sorry. I’m going.” I ran to my closet and pulled out a T-shirt and a pair of jeans before running to the bathroom where I ripped off my PJ’s and threw on the shirt. I was still buttoning the pants as I ran back out the door. Ben was waiting with my sandals, and I slipped them on quickly before running down the stairs and to the car. I’m not even sure if I locked the door behind us.

  Ben drove like he was in a car chase, and I prayed that we wouldn’t get stopped by a cop. It was three in the morning, so there wasn’t any traffic and most of the lights were flashing amber so we didn’t have to stop. He peeled into the emergency entrance, and we left the car there as we ran into the hospital. The elevator was on the bottom floor, so we opted for it instead of the stairs. If it hadn’t been there, I knew I could have run faster than it would show up.

  Dread filled me as we approached the ICU and I saw half of Dolores’ family was outside. Some of them were crying, while others were just staring at the locked doors. They saw me coming, and the person nearest the intercom pressed the button to have the nurses open the door. I ran straight inside, Ben next to me. I saw the door to Nana’s room then. I was too late. One of the doctors was next to the door talking to a nurse. They both had very somber expressions. Ben and I slowed down to hear what they might tell us.

  “I’m sorry, Ms. Clark,” the doctor said and I felt a flood of grief consume my body. My mind shut down, and I only got pieces of his explanation. “The alarms went off … strange readings … she didn’t make it.”

  I pushed past him into the room. Dolores was sitting on the chair next to the bed, holding Nana’s hands and sobbing quietly. She looked up when she heard me come in. “I’m so sorry, Atty!” The quiet sobs turned into full tears, but she backed away enough for me to reach Nana.

  I threw myself on top of her, my feet still on the ground, and hugged her as hard as I could. “No, Nana! No!” I cried for several minutes before I felt Ben come to stand behind me and place his hand on my back. He stayed there while I drenched Nana’s hospital gown with tears.

  Eventually I stopped crying and stood straight. I turned and hugged Ben with all my strength and he hugged me back. “I’m so sorry, Atty.”

  “It’s not your fault, Ben. It’s mine. I did this!” I whispered in his ear. Dolores must have realized we needed a moment because she stepped out of the room.

  “No, Atty! Don’t say that. You tried to help her, you did nothing wrong!”

  “I did, Ben. Don’t you see? I didn’t know what I was doing, and I hurt her more! I probab
ly short-circuited her system. It couldn’t take it!”

  “You don’t know that, Atty. It’s possible she was just too far gone. You can’t know this happened because of what you did.”

  “Yes, I can.” Just then something else popped into my head. Something I had not thought about since this had started: the boy playing tennis. I had probably killed that boy simply by touching him. I started to cry more. Ben tried to soothe me, but I was hysterical and I don’t think he could understand me. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to understand me, for him to know that not only had I killed Nana, I had probably killed an innocent kid, too. I was a horrible person.

  He listened to me rambling, and I guess he understood some of it. He held me and kept trying to convince me that none of this was my fault, but I knew that I would never believe him.

  I don’t remember how I got home that morning, but when I woke up Ben was lying next to me and for a moment I was happy until I realized why he was there. I hadn’t had to ask him to stay again, he knew I wouldn’t have been all right alone. He must have felt me stir because he opened his eyes and put his hand on my cheek. “Hey, Atty.”

  A shaky, “Hey,” was all I got out before the tears took over again, and he moved closer to hold me while I cried. Sometime later he managed to coax me out of bed, though I refused to eat or let him transfer to me. I didn’t want to feel something that pleasant right then.

  Dolores called around midday. Ben spoke to her for me; I didn’t trust myself to understand what she said, especially since I knew what she was calling about. I let my mind go blank rather than try to catch the details as Ben repeated them to Dolores, making sure he had everything right.

  “Dolores is taking care of everything, Atty. She says that Nana had already made arrangements for what she wanted. Dolores is going to call later to let us know the time for the wake; she thinks it will probably be tomorrow.”

  I nodded.

  “Do you want me to call anyone for you? Lizzie? Your professors at school?”

  My only response was to hand him my cell phone. He would find the numbers.

  I moved out to the backyard, where I sat for most of the afternoon. I watched the wind rustle the leaves of the bushes Nana had planted and let tears slowly trail down my face, but I didn’t get hysterical the way I had the night before.

  It was almost dusk when I heard the doorbell ring. Ben got up from beside me and went to answer it. He had left the back door open, and I could hear a familiar voice. Lizzie?

  She ran through the house and fell next to me, enveloping me in a giant hug before her chest started heaving with grief. “Oh, Atty, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this. I drove straight down when Ben told me what happened.”

  I cried with her for a moment but then had to scold her. “How could you do that Lizzie? Four hours in this state? You could have crashed! And it would have been my fault too!” I started to sob again.

  “I had a friend drive me, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you! And what do you mean your fault, too?” she objected. Arguing seemed to calm her, and she managed to stop crying and start breathing normally.

  “Don’t worry about it, Lizzie. Atty’s been a bit overwhelmed; she’s been saying odd things all day,” Ben said to distract her. I guess I really couldn’t tell her what had actually happened. That was going to be hard. I wasn’t used to keeping secrets from Lizzie. It occurred to me that the only people who could ever know the truth were like me, not like my best friend.

  It took me a few moments, but eventually I calmed down enough to realize I was being rude. “I’m sorry, Lizzie. I know you know this is Ben, but I can’t believe I didn’t introduce you.”

  “Don’t worry, Atty. This is not the time to get upset over manners. Speaking of which, I left my friend in the living room. Let me get him, so I can introduce you.”

  “It’s OK, I’ll come in.”

  The friend she was referring to actually seemed more like her boyfriend. It hit me that I hadn’t really talked to her in a long time. We had spoken occasionally since Nana got sick, but I hadn’t told her anything other than what was going on with Nana, and she hadn’t done anything but listen. She was an amazing friend, and I was a horrible one.

  “Does your mom know you’re here, Lizzie?”

  “No, I came straight here. I didn’t want to tell her I was driving down because I knew she’d worry. Plus, I don’t know if she’s heard what’s happened yet. I figure I’ll go home and tell her in person.”

  “OK, but don’t leave yet.”

  “I won’t.”

  Ben looked relieved that Lizzie had arrived because she convinced me to eat some crackers and made me a can of soup to go with them. The guys went to watch TV in the living room, and I sat with her and sipped some soup. I couldn’t get over what a bad friend I was.

  “I’m so sorry, Lizzie. I can’t believe I didn’t even know about Grant. Why didn’t you tell me? Never mind, I should have asked. I suck.”

  “Please, Atty, you’ve had so much to deal with lately. I didn’t think telling you about the guy I was seeing was worth your time.”

  “That’s silly, Lizzie.” I said and gave her a half smile.

  “It is, isn’t it?” she said with a giggle.

  We talked for a long time. She told me how she was doing in school and asked what had finally happened with the search my mother had sent me on. I told her I’d hit a dead end; it wasn’t like I could really tell her what I had found out. She moved on to the subject of Ben and we spent some time comparing boyfriends. I knew she was just trying to distract me, but it was nice talking to an old friend and pretending everything was OK for a little while.

  Soon it was late though, and Lizzie had to go. She promised she’d be back early in the morning, and I was very glad for that. I was going to need her to get through the next few days.

  As I was getting dressed the next day, something horrible occurred to me. I didn’t really have any appropriate black clothes. Sure I had the stuff I would go to clubs in, but none of that would work for a funeral. Ben was downstairs making me breakfast, most certainly in hopes that I’d eat more. I just stood in my closet and stared.

  I heard the bell ring and Ben answer it before Lizzie appeared in my room. She saw me just standing in my closet and asked, “What’s wrong, Atty?”

  “I don’t have anything I can wear to the funeral.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll bring you something.”

  “Thanks, Lizzie.”

  “Come on, whatever Ben is making smells great, and I haven’t had breakfast.”

  I followed her down, and she was right. The scent from the kitchen was amazing. I wondered what he was making. I walked in to see the table covered with dishes. There were scrambled eggs, pancakes, biscuits and fruit. Did he honestly think I would eat that much?

  He saw my odd glare at the table and said, “I know what you’re thinking, but I didn’t make it just for you. I knew Lizzie and Grant would be here early, and I was hoping they would lead by example and get you to eat.”

  I gave him a small smile, and he came over to hug me before pulling out a chair for me to sit. “Thank you, Ben. I’m sorry I’ve been so much trouble.”

  “No trouble at all.”

  We spent the day quietly, just watching television or talking. A couple of hours before the wake was set to begin, Lizzie went home and then reappeared with a black pair of slacks and a grey pinstriped shirt for me to wear. She waited while I got dressed and then we went to our cars.

  “How you doing, Atty? If at any time you feel you need a break, just tell me, all right?” Ben said as we got near the funeral home. I nodded and took a few deep breaths as he parked.

  “Ben. I was serious earlier when I said thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

  “I’m happy to help. Though I think maybe what you needed was Lizzie, she really seemed to help wake you up.”

  “Lizzie’s a great friend, I’ve known her forever. It was nice
being with someone who knew Nana like I did. But you’re the one I can’t be without right now. I’m sorry I haven’t told you that enough. I’m so happy you’re here with me.”

  He just smiled and took hold of my hand before bringing it to his lips and kissing it. I couldn’t help smiling back, just for a second.

  I took one last deep breath and got out of the car. This was going to be hard, seeing all of Nana’s friends. Hearing them tell me how sorry they were. I had often heard natural English-speakers say it was odd how people say they’re sorry when something like this happens because it’s not that person’s fault. In Spanish, there is no such confusion. The expression can have many meanings depending on the situation, but for this it isn’t really “I’m sorry” but rather “what sorrow”—“que pena.” That was easier to understand.

  Chapter 18

  “I have to get out of here.” I was lying in bed before sunrise. Ben was next to me stroking my hair. It had been nine days since we left Nana in the ground. Lizzie had gone back to Orlando; Dolores had disappeared back to her own life after having lingered at my house for days following the funeral. Being in my house was excruciating, everything reminded me of Nana. Going out wasn’t an option; I still wasn’t functioning properly, I would break into tears at the sight of a shop she liked or a street she used to walk.

  Ben leaned up on his elbow and said, “Anywhere you want to go. Do you want to go for a walk? Or to eat? Tell me and I’ll take you.”

  “I mean I have to get away from here. From this house. From Miami. I want to go somewhere far.”

  “Any preferences?”

  “Not really, just far. Where would be a good place?”

  “I could take you home with me, if you want. You wouldn’t make a good tourist right now, so I think it might be better if we go somewhere where you can just rest comfortably for a while. Plus, I’d feel better knowing you were safe among my family. I don’t like the idea of us by ourselves with unknown Durand wandering around. If my father found out I didn’t call one of my brothers for backup, he’d flip.”