Dear Journal,
All I want is for people to realize that being a minister does not make you immune to human error, that it does not make you any less lonely, any less in need of companionship, both mentally and physically. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in becoming a pastor, if this was really my calling or if I went this way because of guilt.
I know it’s time to come out of my shell, I know that members of my congregation shouldn’t be the only people I’m in contact with.
I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of not having anyone to turn to. I know part of it is my fault and that it stems from not wanting anyone to know my past history.
In a way I want to change that. Maybe I should give my story to the church and let them know that I’m nowhere near perfect, that I lived a life of sin prior to living for the Lord.
I know I’ve talked about some things like my drug use. But confessing that I sold my body, now that’s on a whole other level, I’m not too sure if my congregation would be able to handle that.
Heck, I’m not sure if I could handle telling them.
Faithfully yours, Bella
CHAPTER ELEVEN
HARMONY
“Damn, what am I going to wear.” Harmony was throwing her clothes out of her closet. Everything she had didn’t seem work appropriate. She never realized how most of what she wore were tight jeans, tight shirts, short shorts, and short shirts. She was disgusted with herself.
Today was the first time Harmony had taken a step back and evaluated her wardrobe. What she saw was a hoochie and if she saw it that way, Harmony could just imagine what others saw.
Yes, every now and then Shareef would ask her to put something else on, especially when they were going out with the kids. She never argued or questioned why because it wasn’t that big a deal. But now when she gave it some thought she wondered if it was his subtle way of letting her know she dressed like a video ho.
Harmony picked up the phone to call Jewell. Maybe she had enough time to run over there and grab a suit. They were about the same size.
“Hello?” Jewell’s son, Tyson answered.
“Tyson, it’s Harmony, is your mom there?”
“No, but my dad is.”
That wasn’t who she wanted to speak to, but she’d take what she could get.
“Dad! The phone!” Harmony heard Tyson yell before she could get another word in.
“Hello?” It was King.
“King, I know Jewell isn’t home but I really need something of hers to wear to work, I start a new job today and I want to look professional.” Harmony figured if she got it out fast enough, King wouldn’t tell her what she knew he was going to say and that’s “You know how Jewell is with her clothes, I just can’t let you come over here and go through her stuff.”
“So, you’re finally tired of wearing that tight-ass shit you be wearing, huh?”
Harmony sucked her teeth. “I did not call your house to be insulted. I called to ask for my cousin’s help.”
“Well, she’s not here, call her on her cell and have her okay it.”
Harmony glanced at the clock, she had under forty-five minutes to get to work. “Never mind, King, I’ll make do.”
Harmony hung up before he could respond and at the same time Shareef walked in the room carrying a Macy’s bag.
“Aren’t you going to be late? You don’t look anywhere near ready.”
Harmonys eyes welled up. “I don’t have anything to wear.”
“Wear something in your closet,” he told her, as he held onto the bag.
“I can’t, I want to make a good impression.”
“Are you saying nothing you own will make a good impression?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Shareef opened the bag and pulled out a simple cream-colored dress. “Well, will this do?”
Harmony looked up and saw what he was holding. “Where did you get that from?”
“Me.” Jewell walked in the room with a shoe box.
Harmony started crying for real. She ran up to Jewell and gave her a tight hug.
“Damn,” Shareef said. “Can I get one of those? I gave her the money to get it.”
Harmony hugged him too. “I love you both,” she said. “I just called your house,” Harmony told Jewell.
“I know, King just called me on my cell phone. He said you hung up on him.”
“Because I was mad and he called me a hoochie.”
Harmony noticed that Shareef frowned. The last thing she wanted was trouble between boys. “Well, not really a hoochie. But he did get smart with me.”
“That’s because he knew I was on my way here.” Jewell looked at Shareef. “You can leave the room now, we got twenty minutes to get her ready.”
Shareef put the bag on the floor. “Well, excuse the hell out of me,” he joked but left as requested.
When he was gone, Harmony looked at Jewell and told her, “You’re my best friend, you know that. I appreciate you so much.”
Jewell told her, “Girl, don’t go get all mushy all on me.”
“But I’m grateful for you, Jewell, you got me this job and—”
Jewell stopped her mid-sentence. “No, I got you the interview, you got yourself the job. Now get dressed so you can be there on time.”
Harmony did just that and in record time.
When Harmony arrived downtown, she was surprised to see cars parked everywhere. She drove around the block a couple of times until she remembered that the building they were in had their own parking lot.
“It must be my nerves,” Harmony said out loud.
She located a parking spot, turned off the engine, looked in the mirror, fixed her hair, and reaffirmed out loud that she was going to do the best job she could do. Elsie will not regret hiring me. This is a chance for a new beginning.
After she made sure she looked good and felt confident, Harmony opened the door and stepped out of her old life and into her new.
“Are you ready for your first day?” Elsie asked Harmony when she walked into her office.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Good, I like hearing that. You’ll be sitting in the front, answering the phones, meeting and greeting. We have a group of teenagers coming in today to hear about the programs we have to offer. They’re from a group home and—” Elsie stopped herself, she looked at Harmony and said, “You know what, go ahead and make yourself comfortable at your desk. I’ll come out in about ten minutes and let you know what has to be done.”
Harmony thanked her, because she felt overwhelmed. She did need a moment to get it together.
Elsie sat down behind her desk and told Harmony as she was walking out, “Just to let you know, I’ll be keeping my door shut. Just because it’s closed, it doesn’t mean you can’t come in.”
“Thanks,” Harmony replied and went to her desk.
Harmony sat down in her seat and spun around in the chair. My own desk and my own computer. She felt so proud. I’m going to have to put a picture of my babies on my desk.
Harmony opened every drawer and noticed everything she needed was in them, pens, pencils, tape, stapler, scissors, and everything else she could have thought of. Harmony turned her computer on, her screen saver was a basic blue. She was definitely going to change that. I’ll put a picture of my kids on my screen-saver.
Harmony soaked in her environment for a few more minutes and looked toward Elsie’s door. She was ready to get her day started.
Harmony was walking toward Elsie’s office when the phone rang. Harmony picked it up and said, “Essence of Self Center, how may I help you?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I must have the wrong number.” The person on the other end hung up.
Elsie came out of her office. “Who was that?”
“Wrong number,” Harmony told her and sat down. “Now, what were you telling me?”
“Well, we have a group of young girls coming in around 11:00 A.M. Place them in the confere
nce room. Faith will also be here to facilitate. Other than answering the phones, I’m working on a grant I’m going to give you to type up and we’ll take some time today so I can show you how to research grants.”
“Just let me know when you’re ready,” Harmony told her.
Elsie walked around Harmony’s desk and pulled open a couple of the drawers. “I tried to provide you with everything I thought you may need. Let me know if I missed anything. In your top drawer is a job description, read it carefully, so we won’t have any misunderstandings about what I expect from you.”
Harmony was listening carefully. She did not want to mess this up.
“Oh, and another thing, feel free to read or study at your desk. I don’t want you to think you have to be doing something every second of the day. We won’t always be busy and I might not always have something for you to do, just don’t try to take advantage of these privileges,” Elsie told her, as she moved from behind her desk. “Also know that I won’t tolerate going on obscene Web sites. We are on a server.”
“Oh, never that,” Harmony told her.
“I also want you to read over the packet about the agency that’s in your drawer. That way you’ll be able to answer any questions anyone may ask.”
“Will do.”
“Okay, do you have any questions?”
Harmony couldn’t think of any, all of her questions, which were about pay and health benefits, were answered during the interview. Harmony couldn’t believe she was actually going to have health benefits. “Not that I can think of.”
“Okay fine, I’m in my office, if you need me let me know.”
At exactly 11:00 Harmony heard a ruckus in the hallway. She was halfway out of her seat when a group of girls came walking through the door.
“Oh hell no,” one of them said. “You can’t let him get away with that shit.”
Harmony noticed that these girls looked young as hell and they were talking mad nonsense.
“How about not using that language in here,” a young woman said, coming in behind the group.
Harmony did a quick head count, there were eleven girls. They were looking at Harmony like they could care less about her.
The woman stepped forward. “Hi, I’m Kretia, we’re here for a meeting.”
“Okay, let me show you to the conference room.” Harmony came from behind the desk. “Follow me.”
They did and loudly.
“Y’all really need to calm down, that’s why we’re here, so you can learn to be ladies,” Kretia told them.
“Shit, I’m already a lady,” one of the girls said as she smacked her gum as loud as possible.
Harmony heard, “I know that’s right. Me too,” and other statements coming from the girls.
Harmony had to laugh to herself because she remembered those days, when she swore she was grown and that she had all the answers to all the problems of the world. There was nothing anyone could tell her. Come to find out, she was wrong, because had she listened to an adult, she may not have become a teen mom. Harmony looked at the girls, and wondered how many of them were already mothers.
She let them in the room and told them, “Someone will be with you shortly.”
Of course no one responded.
Harmony knocked on Elsie’s door.
“Come in!”
She stepped in. “The girls are here.”
“I heard them come in.” Elsie glanced at her watch. “I wonder where Faith is. Look in your Rolodex and call her up, see if she’s on her way.”
“Okay.”
When Harmony got back to her desk, a woman she hoped was Faith walked in.
She was out of breath and looked rushed. “Are they here yet?”
Harmony raised her eyebrows. “You’re Faith?”
“The one and only.”
“They are definitely here.”
Speaking in a low tone, Faith asked, “Are they off the hook?”
Harmony looked toward the room and nodded. “You will definitely have your hands full.”
“Thanks for the warning.” Faith headed toward the conference room, did a quick U-turn, and went to let Elsie know she was in the building.
Over the next hour plus, Harmony heard laughter, cursing, and finally total silence. She wanted so bad to get up and see what was taking place with Faith and the girls. She knew there were some things she could teach them about life and wondered if maybe down the line Elsie would allow her to.
It wasn’t until 12:30 P.M. when Elsie finally came out of her office. “What time are you taking lunch?”
Harmony felt her stomach growl. “Now?”
“That’s fine.”
“How much time do I have?” Harmony didn’t want to be gone too long.
“Forty-five minutes.”
Harmony was out the door and on her cell phone in five minutes flat.
“How’s your first day at work?” Shareef asked the second he answered the phone.
“It’s fine. Today’s one of my short days.” The arrangement Harmony made with Elsie upon being hired was flexible hours. Some days she came in early like today and left at 3:00 and other days she came in at 12:00 P.M. or 1:00 P.M. and stayed until the afternoon programs were over with and that was between 6:00 P.M. and 7:00 P.M. This didn’t pose a problem because Shareef had his own business and he was able to pick up the kids from school or their babysitter would come and watch them until someone arrived.
“What have you been doing all day?”
“Answering the phone, reading up on the company, secretarial stuff.”
“Oh.”
Neither of them really had much to say so Harmony cut it short. “I was just checking in.”
“All right, I’ll see you this afternoon, love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Harmony!”
He caught her just as she was about to hang up.
“Yes?”
“Let’s go out to dinner tonight, just you and I.”
She liked that idea. “I’ll call the babysitter.”
“No, let me,” Shareef offered. “After all, dinner is my idea.”
When Harmony returned from lunch, Faith and Elsie were sitting in the front and the group of girls were gone.
“Teenage girls are a trip,” Faith was saying.
“You don’t have to tell me that,” Elsie said, as she laughed. “I could hear them all the way in my office, with the door closed.”
Unsure if she should take part in the conversation or not, Harmony decided to chance it and asked, “How did it go?”
Faith laughed. “It went. You know these teenagers today, they think they’re grown as hell. They have so much to learn.”
“That much was obvious,” Harmony replied. “But with some guidance who’s to say what could happen. They might do a complete turnaround and become more than they think they could ever be.”
“That’s why we have Faith,” Elsie said. She liked what Harmony said and was pleased that Harmony “got it.” “Did you have a good lunch?” Elsie asked.
“Yes, thanks for asking.”
“I put some things on your desk I need typed,” Elsie told her. “Faith and I will be in my office.”
Harmony looked over at her desk and saw a small pile. “Okay.”
“If you need me, just buzz me on the intercom.”
“I’ll do that.”
When they stepped into Elsie’s office, Faith collapsed on Elsie’s couch and said, “I’m exhausted, those girls wore my ass out. I just hope I’m the right person to guide them.”
“Why wouldn’t you be?” Elsie asked.
Faith caught the message she was sending out and tried to play it off. “I’m sure I’m the right person, I just hope they connect with me, that’s all.”
Elsie didn’t believe her. She could sense something was going on. She didn’t know how deep she wanted to get with Faith, after all she only knew her through Susan and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to mix business with per
sonal issues, especially when Faith was going to be the counselor of the center. She didn’t want anything clouding her judgment and making her question if she made the right decision in hiring her.
After all, the counselor should be the one that had it altogether. That way of thinking was a load of crap and Elsie knew it. She knew it didn’t matter what it looked like from the outside or what kind of profession you were in, it did not make your life problem-free.
When she thought about it that way, Elsie concluded that women needed to be there for one another and she would mix personal with business, she would show support for whatever Faith might be going through. She knew she was struggling with something. That much was obvious when she left her husband in the restaurant.
Before Elsie could ask what that was about, Faith said, “Okay, let’s go over the plan for the girls.”
Elsie was a bit relieved that they didn’t have to go into the “what’s going on with you” talk because as much as she wanted to show sister-support, Elsie had her own shit to worry about.
CHAPTER TWELVE
FAITH
Faith was sitting in the kitchen sipping a glass of wine. Although she was in recovery she believed it wouldn’t do her any harm. She knew that some people believed you had to stay away from all alcohol but she felt like that wasn’t her issue and it wasn’t a trigger, so if she felt like a glass of wine, she would have it. Of course, she never shared that in the meetings.
Faith was reading the paper when she heard the front door open. I hope it’s not Raheem, she thought to herself. The past week had been so peaceful. Raheem was away on a business trip and as a result Faith didn’t feel on edge, nor did she feel like she was walking on eggshells.
That day she left him in the restaurant, they almost came to blows when he arrived home. What stopped them? She told him she would call the police. Faith recalled the look of disbelief on his face. He packed some clothes and left the house for a couple of days. When he returned they barely said two words to each other. Which was fine with Faith, but now she was ready to talk again.
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