Faith put her hand out for him shake. “Pleased to meet you, Siddiq.”
Instead of shaking her hand, he leaned over and kissed it.
How corny, Faith thought, but how charming.
“Do you know Lisa from the rooms?” he asked her.
Did Faith want him to know she was an addict? Did it really matter? After all, she probably wasn’t going to ever see him again after tonight. “Yes.”
Siddiq pulled up a chair and sat in front of Faith. “How long have you been clean?”
“You’re asking a personal question for us to just have met.”
“Well, I thought we were past small talk, especially since you told me why you don’t want to go home,” he half-joked.
What could Faith say other than he was right about that. “For a few years.”
“Good for you, I’ve been clean for eight,” he revealed.
This revelation made Faith look at him with more intensity. Was this his way of letting her know it would be okay to open up to him? Hopefully, it wasn’t just a come-on line.
Faith eyed him up and down.
He took notice. “Make sure you get it all in,” he teased.
There was something about him that just pulled her in. You see, this is the shit that used to get her into trouble with men. She’d jump into things and see the possibilities way too fast.
Faith stood up. “I have to go.”
Siddiq held onto her arm. “Why? We were just getting to know one another.”
“I’m married.”
“I know, you already told me.”
“Then why would you want to get to know me?” She looked at his hand, which was still on her arm.
“I was just trying to make conversation.” He dropped his hand.
“Well . . .” Faith saw Susan coming her way and gave her a “help me” look.
Susan walked over and grabbed Faith by the arm. “Faith, I’ve been looking all over for you. Come on.” Susan pulled Faith along but not before acknowledging Siddiq.
When they were out of Siddiq’s earshot, Susan asked, “Was Siddiq bothering you?”
“You know him?”
“Girl, please, anyone that’s around Lisa knows her brother, she adores him. She talks about him all the time.”
“I see why,” Faith said under her breath.
Susan stopped in place and teased, “Oh, do you? What exactly does that mean?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on, let’s go outside near the pool and talk.”
As they walked through the house, Faith snuck glances at original pieces of art, very expensive knickknacks, and high-priced technical gadgets throughout. “I didn’t know Lisa had money,” Faith observed.
“No, her brother does, this is his house.”
Faith felt like a fool. “I’m embarrassed.”
“Why?”
“I was rude to the host.”
Susan waved that comment away. “Don’t even worry about that. Let’s talk about what’s really bothering you. But first let me call Timothy.”
When Susan hung up with Timothy she asked Faith, “What’s up?”
“I envy what you have.”
“What could you possibly envy that I have?”
“A happy marriage.”
Now Susan understood why Faith seemed preoccupied. “You’ve finally decided to admit it, huh?”
Faith frowned. “Admit what?”
“That your marriage is in trouble.”
They sat near the pool. “How long have you known?”
“How long have you been coming to the meetings?”
Faith didn’t know what to say to that. It’s not that she tried to keep the state of her marriage a secret, she just didn’t go around advertising that her husband cheated on her every chance he got and that she allowed it because she felt unworthy. It really wasn’t anyone’s business. Some things she didn’t mind sharing with people but this was one topic she did.
Why? Because she knew people would tell her to leave him and if there was one thing she couldn’t stand, that was when she gave advice or told a person something they already knew over and over only for them have it go in one ear and out the other.
This is why when she counseled people, she guided them into seeing the solution. She let them think the next step was their idea. Well, that’s what she tried to do.
“Are people talking about it?” If people knew her marriage was failing, surely they were discussing it amongst themselves.
“Now don’t you think that the people who come to NA and AA meetings have bigger concerns than you and your marriage? I only recognized it because I’m your friend.”
“Well, how come you never asked me anything?”
“I figured you would talk to me about it when you were ready.”
Faith appreciated that because now she was ready and she was going to need as much support as possible. “I’m leaving him.”
This surprised Susan, because even though she knew things weren’t what they should be in Faith’s house, she didn’t think it was that bad, either. “Have you tried counseling?”
“We’re way past that.”
“What’s going on?”
Faith went on to tell Susan about Raheem’s numerous affairs and how she just wasn’t willing to take it anymore.
“Why did you stay in the marriage so long anyway?”
“He saved me from myself.”
“And you sacrificed your dignity because of that?”
“He took care of me, he was my hero, he helped me get clean, and I love him.”
Susan leaned over and looked in Faith’s eyes.
Faith shifted in her seat. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You said you love him.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, Faith, you did.”
“Well, I still care for him. I always will but I’m not in love with him anymore.”
“Do you think couples stay in love?” Susan asked.
“Yes, I do. Aren’t you and Timothy still in love?”
Susan leaned back in her seat. “I don’t know. I think what we have is a mature love. Before you make any rash decisions, you really need to ask yourself and be sure that you’re not operating off of hurt. Maybe you do still love Raheem. Maybe that’s why you’ve put up with so much and maybe that’s why you’re so unhappy. If you didn’t have any feelings left for him, you wouldn’t care what he did. It wouldn’t affect you this deeply.”
Faith didn’t disagree with Susan and she didn’t have the energy to go back and forth on it. She knew what she was she going to do and it wasn’t open for discussion.
After talking a little while longer, Faith decided it was time for her to leave. She was walking to her car when she heard someone walk up behind her.
“Hey, pretty lady.”
Faith turned around. It was Siddiq.
“You’re leaving so soon?” he asked.
Faith looked down at her watch and continued walking. “I’ve already been here a couple of hours.”
“You could stay all night if you want to,” Siddiq flirted.
Faith could hear the playfulness in his voice. “I apologize for being rude to you earlier.”
“Your apology is accepted.”
Faith unlocked her car door. She looked at Siddiq, who looked like he wasn’t leaving his spot. “Well, I have to go.” She opened her car door.
“Can I see you again?” Siddiq asked.
Faith sat down, closed the door and rolled down her window. “I’m married.”
Siddiq wasn’t fazed. “So you keep saying.”
“I don’t date,” Faith told him.
“I’m not asking you for a date.”
Confused, Faith said, “But you just asked me out.”
“No, what I asked is if I could see you again. That could just mean over coffee or a quick lunch. It’s your call.”
No words came out of Faith’s mouth and seeing that she wa
s stuck verbally, Siddiq pulled out a business card and handed it to her.
As she took it and read it, Faith asked him, “You carry business cards in your own house?”
Siddiq laughed and shook his head. “I’m not that much of a player. I saw you leaving and grabbed one out of the kitchen drawer.”
“Oh.” Faith was flattered.
“Don’t throw that card away, call me when you’re ready. It doesn’t have to be a date. There’s nothing wrong with having a male friend.”
Faith put the card over her visor. “Bye.”
“See you later, beautiful.”
Faith smiled all the way home.
That night when Faith arrived home, Raheem was in the living room asleep with his legs up on the table, head thrown back, and a book across his chest. For a brief second Faith stood there looking at him. She looked at him and remembered the happier moments. Moments when she stopped getting high for a long period of time and it was like their relationship was brand new. They were in love and enjoyed being in each other’s company. She would come home from work late and he’d be up waiting on her. If he wasn’t waiting on her, he’d be asleep on the couch with a book, like he was now.
Faith tried to glance at the title; she had no idea what his interests were now. She tried not to get too close, after all she was still pissed at him and she didn’t want to wake him. Faith took off her heels, so she wouldn’t be heard and went straight into the bedroom that used to be theirs but was now hers. She closed the door behind her.
She sat on the bed and asked the Lord to give her strength, the strength to leave Raheem.
“Faith?”
Faith looked at the door and then her clock. It was after midnight. “Yes, Raheem?”
“Can I come in?”
She didn’t want to deal with him this late.
“Why?” Faith stood up and moved toward the door.
Faith could hear the exasperation in Raheem’s voice. “You know what, never mind, we’ll just talk in the morning.”
When Faith didn’t respond, Raheem told her good night and she heard him walk away.
She placed her forehead on the door and felt her eyes well up. Her marriage was really coming to an end and there wasn’t anything that could be done to save it.
Faith went into the bathroom and turned on the light. She stood in front of the mirror and stared at herself. What’s wrong with me? Why does everyone leave me?
This wasn’t a new question she was asking herself, she’d asked it each time a man left her, cheated on her, or mistreated her.
It had to be her, maybe there was still something she was doing or wasn’t doing enough of. Maybe it’s time for me to give up this whole relationship idea and realize that I should just be by myself.
Faith wouldn’t have been able to stop the tears from falling if she tried, so she just let them run down her face. Faith shook her head, blew her nose, and got undressed. She was too tired to take a shower and decided to take one in the morning. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, pulled a pair of sweats out of her closet, and took a T-shirt out of her drawer. She put them on and climbed under the covers. She laid down and stared at the ceiling. She thought about what Susan said: “If you didn’t still love him, you wouldn’t care as much as you do.”
Faith closed her eyes and begged sleep to come. She didn’t want to be up all night thinking about her failing marriage, but her mind could not stop racing, snippets of happier days with Raheem kept flashing before her, conversations they had, vacations they’d taken, and the few times they did something eventful with his kids.
What happened? When did it go wrong? Perhaps Raheem grew tired of being her caretaker.
She sat up in the bed and sighed. She knew it would take more than lying down for sleep to come, and she was going to go to sleep one way or the other, even if it mean taking a Tylenol PM.
Dear Journal,
I had a good time at Lisa’s party tonight, met her brother, and I must tell you he was charming. I know, I know, Raheem was charming when we first met too. I also know that I’m still married and really shouldn’t be thinking about calling him. But you know what, I am. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but maybe the attention Siddiq would like to give me would at least make me feel better.
I’ll sleep on it before I make my decision on calling him. Coffee wouldn’t hurt, plus maybe he can give me a man’s perspective on things.
Is tomorrow going to be the day Raheem and I actually come to terms about our marriage? Will he finally accept that it’s over and we’re just wasting each other’s time?
Damn, I wish it hadn’t turned out this way but I’m done, worn out, and beat down. I can’t fight for us anymore, I can only fight for me.
Love and Peace, Faith
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ELSIE
Elsie finally decided to have dinner with Trey after he called her every day for damn near a week and asked her to join him. The day he called the Center and she tried to call him back, he had made other plans just that quick, after that it was just hard to clear her schedule.
She knew he wanted more than “just dinner.” She could hear the flirtatious tone of his voice in each conversation. Tonight over dinner, she would definitely have to let him know about her sexual preference.
Prior to Elsie arriving, Trey told the hostess he wanted to be placed by a window with a view. She did him justice by placing them so that they faced the beach. The view was romantic enough for anyone to stand a chance, if they were hoping to get lucky, which Trey was.
Elsie glanced out the window and could see the sun going down, it looked liked it was landing in the ocean. The reds, yellows, and orange rays were coming in through the windows, jazz was playing softly in the background and Trey was ready to get his mack on.
Elsie had to laugh to herself because even back in high school she remembered the girls teasing Trey, saying he wanted to be “Dr. Lovesexy.” It was so obvious that’s who he was trying to be at this moment. It was a shame she was going to have to burst his bubble.
“So you finally decided to stop turning down my dinner invite?”
“I’ve just been busy.” Elsie told him. “I finally got a free evening.”
“Well, I’m glad you decided to spend it with me.”
Okay, I really need to let him know, I’m not interested in him like that. “Trey—” Elsie began.
He cut her off. “So tell me, what’s been going on with you? How have you been? Last I heard, you were Ms. Supermodel.”
Elsie laughed. “I don’t know about all that.”
Trey leaned back in his chair and if Elsie wasn’t mistaken, he licked his lips LL Cool J–style. “Well, you are a beautiful woman.”
“Thank you,” Elsie said, blushing.
“Then you became an attorney, opened your own firm, and now you have a nonprofit organization. I’m impressed, you’ve been a busy little bee.”
Well, damn if he knew all that, he should know that she only dated women. “How do you know all that?”
“I stay in touch with people.”
That still didn’t answer Elsie’s question. “People like who?”
Trey smirked. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” He thought he was being charming.
That was not what Elsie wanted to hear, she couldn’t stand when people played games and the “guess who?” game wasn’t going to make it with her.
Trey must have saw the frustration on her face because he apologized. “I’m sorry, I’m just playing with you. I know a lot of attorneys, especially in my line of business and they talk amongst themselves. My attorney here in Jersey mentioned your firm and I recognized the name.”
Even that bothered her just a bit, but she decided to just try and let it go, because when you or your business are talked about in the corporate arena, it usually meant you were doing a hell of a job or that you were their competition.
“How’d you go from law to what you’re doing now?”
“I
wanted to make a career change.”
“It’s more than a career change, it’s a life change.”
He was right; that’s just what she made, a life change.
“Tell me about you, what have you been up to, why movies?” Elsie wasn’t just asking this question to take the focus off of her, she really was curious. When they were in school, Trey was a bookworm, always studying, and an honor student. What surprised people is that he also had a little flavor and a way with the girls on top of being smart. She recalled he was voted most likely to succeed. Half the school expected him to become a doctor, lawyer, or politician—the last category she would have put him in was entertainment.
“I love movies, on the weekends when I was growing up, that’s what I did, spent my days at the movie theater.”
“Really?” It was then that Elsie remembered them going to the movies a couple of times and Trey trying to talk her into staying to see two movies. “I don’t think I can sit that long,” she remembered telling him.
“Yep, I knew back then that I wanted to do something behind the scenes in Hollywood, I just didn’t know what. So I studied and got straight A’s because I knew if I did that I would be able to get a scholarship to the school of my choice.”
Elsie found that fascinating; here he was a teenager, plotting his future.
“So I went as far as law school.”
“Law school?”
“Yep, I thought I wanted to be an entertainment lawyer but realized that remembering codes, clauses, and laws wasn’t holding my interest. So long story short, I moved to California and started working for one of the top agencies and from that experience, not only did I meet people, but I found out about various opportunities and here I sit doing something I love, producing movies.”
“Doing something you love,” repeated Elsie, “must be the best feeling in the world.”
“It is, because even when I’m having a bad day, I’m having a good day.”
Elsie wanted to reach that point in her life, when a messed-up, stressed, I-can’t-take-it-anymore day, wasn’t that bad because in the end, she was accomplishing what she’d set out to accomplish.
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