“So tell me, what have you been up to, who are you seeing, did you ever get married?”
Finally, the opening Elsie had been waiting on. She decided to hell with it, she wasn’t going to beat around the bush. She was going to be upfront and let him know. “Actually, I’m gay.”
Trey sat up, as straight as a rod, with the quickness. “Did you just say you’re gay?”
“Yes.”
“Gay or bisexual?”
Elsie laughed because she knew what he was getting at, if she was bisexual he possibly felt he still stood a chance. “No, honey, I’m just what I said, gay.”
“Wow!” Trey sat back in his seat and crossed his arms. “I think I’m in shock, and here I was hoping.”
“You were hoping what?” Elsie asked.
“Do I even need to say it?”
Elsie laughed. “I guess not.”
Trey couldn’t move on. “Were you gay when we were in school?” He had to know.
“I was something, I just didn’t know what to call it at the time. I do know there were a couple of classmates I was attracted to.”
Trey cut her off. “Like who? Damn, I wish I had known, maybe we could have—”
“Don’t even go there,” Elsie warned, knowing he was talking about every man’s dream.
“I’m playing, but for real, who were you attracted to?”
Elsie shook her head. “Look at you, acting like you’re getting a piece of gossip. You are too funny.”
“Well?”
“I plead the Fifth.”
“Well, have you ever been with a man?”
“Why so interested?” Elsie wasn’t used to sharing information like that.
“I don’t know, I think I’m just in shock because you’re so beautiful and you don’t look gay.” Trey paused. “Then again, with the way things are today, what does gay look like?”
Elsie picked up her up glass and asked, “So does this change your game plan?”
“I hate to say it, but no.”
“It should.”
“Well, I’m a determined man.”
Elsie laughed.
Still curious, Trey wanted to know if Elsie wanted children.
“I do eventually.” Eventually wasn’t a true answer, she wanted children now, today, tomorrow, in nine months if it was possible. “Do you have any children?”
Trey shook his head. “Nah.”
“Wow, either you’ve been very lucky or extremely careful.”
“I’d like to think it’s the second option. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve come close to it a couple of times but one was a false alarm and the other, well, she made her choice.”
“Do you want kids?” Elsie asked.
“Yes, yes I do.”
Hmmmm, Elsie thought. He’s smart, ambitious and good-looking. He just might be the one. That idea was something she was going to have to ponder when she was alone. Would he say yes to fathering a child and not taking part in the kid’s life? After all, he was a busy man. In his line of work, he had to travel and be free, not be tied down. Could this be the reason he suddenly appeared in her life? Was this God’s way of answering her prayers?
After they ate dinner and made small talk, Elsie could feel herself getting tired and was ready to turn in. She pushed back from the table. “I think this night is just about over, I’ve had a long day.”
Trey, not the least bit offended that she was ending the evening, asked, “Can we get together again, I’d like to stay in touch with you.”
Elsie told him, she’d like that too, especially since he just might be the potential father of her child.
Trey called the waiter over. “We’re ready for the bill.”
The waiter nodded and walked away.
Trey stood up and walked around the table. Elsie stood up. Trey gave Elsie a hug. “We’ll talk sooner than later.”
“Thanks for the dinner, good food, and good conversation.” Elsie hugged him back. When she turned to walk away she could feel Trey’s eyes on her every move.
She knew not to turn around because he might think she was expecting him to look. Elsie couldn’t help but be amused, she knew when she told him she was gay that it was going to blow his mind. She also knew that he was hoping for some interest on her part. Well, now he knew that wasn’t going to happen.
Even when she left him, she could see there was still some hope. It was all in the way he touched the arch in her back when he hugged her bye and the way he looked at her with lust even after she revealed to him she was gay.
Elsie wondered if she asked him to father her child, would he be interested in doing so. Maybe she should have hinted around the topic or maybe she should have just been forward and asked: Would you ever consider fathering a child out of wedlock by donating your sperm? If he said yes, she wondered what his expectations would be from her, if anything. Elsie knew she was getting ahead of herself but the excitement of approaching him on this was growing in her heart.
Maybe she needed to run her idea by someone first. She was definitely jumping the gun, this whole have-a-child thing had become her secret and she was ready to share.
Who could she share something like this with? Which one of the women she knew was open-minded and wouldn’t judge her decision?
Elsie considered this question her whole ride home and the person she came up with was Crystal. She’d talk to her about it. If she decided to use a sperm donor, she wouldn’t want to go through the process alone, she would need support.
When Elsie arrived home she collapsed across her bed and looked at the phone. She’d been thinking about calling Summer for a few days now, but kept putting it off. She didn’t want to be rejected. How rejected could she be when the only reason she was calling was to say hello, to catch up, and maybe if she agreed to see her, to have lunch.
Elsie glanced at the clock and saw that it going on 11:00 P.M. She wondered if it was too late to call Summer’s house; if it was, she’d just deal with it. She needed to hear Summer’s voice tonight before she went to bed.
What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? What if she hangs up on me? What if, what if, what if ? Elsie made the decision to stop what-if-ing and just pick up the phone only to hang it up again.
Dear Journal,
What do you do when you end a relationship for all the wrong reasons? What do you do when you really miss a person and have no idea if they miss you? What do you do when you finally realize you made the biggest mistake of your life by trying to move on when the truth is you haven’t moved an inch?
I want to call Summer so bad, I want to hear her voice, I want to feel her touch, I want to taste her again. Even though some time has gone by and I’ve dated other people, she’s always been the one. Will she continue to be the one I can’t shake loose? Once I speak to her will I realize that I built her up to be more than she is and more than we were? Or will what I thought be real? That our love was one of a kind. There’s only one way for me to find out and that is to call her.
It’ s just that everytime I pick up the phone, I lose my nerve.
Okay, for real, I’m going to call her this week and hope she misses me as much as I miss her.
Your friend, Elsie
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BELLA
“Good morning.” Bella turned over to find Brother James in her bed. He had the nerve to be on his side with one of his hands propped under his chin like he had watched her sleep.
It freaked Bella out because this was not what was supposed to happen and she hoped he knew that it would never happen again.
“I enjoyed you last night,” he told her when she looked him in the eyes.
Didn’t he realize that last night was a mistake, a huge one? Didn’t he know that he was supposed to wake up with regrets, apologizing and trying to get out of there as soon as possible?
Obviously, he didn’t, because he was chilling and looking like he wasn’t trying to go anywhere.
“James?” How was she going to a
sk him to leave without being rude? Should she just straight-out tell him they were going to hell and the longer he stayed in her bed, the longer they would burn. Would that do the trick?
“Bella?” James wasn’t dense, he could see the unsettled look on Bella’s face and knew what she was going to say before she said a word.
“I, um, I think—”
“You think I should leave?”
Bella sat up in the bed, holding the blanket over her body. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it already, the damage was already done, but she still felt it was necessary. “I do.” She couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
“Why? We’re adults, we’re free to do whatever we want to, whenever we want to.”
“Yeah, but we should also know better. I’m a pastor.” She faced him. “I’m your pastor.”
“We knew that last night when we climbed in this bed together.”
He was right about that.
“I also know that you’re a woman with needs, Bella, needs I can satisfy, needs I want to satisfy.”
Satisfy them, you did. She turned her back to him and pleaded, “Please James, I just need some time, time to process this, time to process us.”
James sat up. “So, are you saying there’s a chance for us?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying, James, this is all so sudden, too sudden.”
Bella knew there wasn’t a chance for a them, there was no way she could or would see a member of her congregation. It would be too awkward. What was she thinking? That was it, last night she wasn’t thinking. She was feeling and reacting and that wasn’t a good thing.
James stood up. Bella couldn’t stop herself from looking at him. He was naked and her flesh was saying, “reach out, touch him, tell him to get back in this bed,” but her mind was telling her, “let him go and not just today but forever.”
“I’m going to take a shower and then I’ll leave, but know this one thing, Bella: we have to talk about this, it’s not something we can run from. We both wanted it.”
That I did, she admitted to herself and if she didn’t feel guilty right now, she’d want it again and again and again.
James surprised her last night with his body and his lovemaking skills. Who was she going to tell this to, her journal once again? She needed a confidante and she needed one fast.
An hour later James had left, but before he did, she took the time to make him some breakfast and kept the conversation between them light. At the door, he bent forward to kiss her and she turned her cheek.
He didn’t comment on it. He just pulled back and told her, “I’ll call you.”
The second Bella closed the door, she went into her prayer room and got down on her knees. She didn’t know what she wanted to say to God but she knew she had to say something, she knew she needed to ask for his forgiveness, grace, and mercy, not only because it was the right thing to do but because it was the only thing she could think of doing. Even though she felt guilty, that guilt wasn’t enough to make her not want to do it again.
What happened last night? What led to them making love? Was it something he said? Was it something she said or was it just the devil? Am I losing my mind? Bella wondered. Maybe I need to hand in my pastorial title, maybe it’s not in my makeup to be preaching to people, telling them how to live right, when I can’t even live right. Perhaps I’ve finally come to accept that I’ve bitten off more than I could chew, that I’ve chosen the wrong profession.
The previous evening Brother James had come to her office after the men’s committee left. They were meeting at the church to discuss an event for the young men in the community.
Bella was at her desk reading when he poked his head in the office. “Do you have a moment?”
Thinking nothing of it, she told him to come on in. Bella wanted to speak with him anyway because ever since he’d asked her out on a date, she felt a little uncomfortable when he was around. It always seemed like he was watching her out of the corner of his eye.
He stood across from her desk.
“Have a seat,” Bella told him.
“I’m not going to stay long, I just wanted to see if you would like to grab something to eat with me. You’ve been cooped up in your office for most of the day, you must be starving.”
She was, but she wasn’t going to tell him that. “We need to talk,” Bella told him.
“Uh-oh, maybe I do need to take a seat. Whenever a woman says we need to talk, it means, I have some bad news for you. Just put me down easy,” Brother James told her.
“Brother James,” Bella started. “Any single woman in this church would be more than pleased to be seen with you. Why don’t you ask one of them out?”
“Because it’s not them that I want, it’s you.”
He definitely knew the right words to make a women feel good.
Brother James reached across her desk and took her hand. “Come on, since you’re turning me down, you might as well let a heartbroken man take you to dinner.”
Bella paused and against her better judgment she agreed. “This is not a date,” she let him know, “it’s only dinner.”
Brother James stood at attention with a smile on his face. “Whatever you say.”
When they walked outside, Bella said, “How about I meet you where we’re going?”
“Well, where do you want to go?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Somewhere close?” Brother James already knew the answer to that one.
When Bella didn’t answer, Brother James told her, “Listen, let’s take your car to your house, I’ll drive us to this restaurant I know about. It doesn’t make sense for you to meet me somewhere that’s out of the way, since I know you don’t want to be seen.”
It made sense, so she agreed.
On the way to her house, Bella couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing. She tried convincing herself that it was only dinner and dinner never hurt anyone. He knew where she stood and that they could not be anything other than friends. Therefore, dinner was safe.
When she pulled up to her house, she told him she was going to run inside, change clothes, and that she would be right out.
“Is it okay if I come in?’ Brother James asked. “That way you can take your time changing. You don’t have to rush.”
Coming from where she came from, which was the streets, Bella couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to set her up. She wanted to think the best of him, so even with that question in mind, she told him he could come in. If she trusted anyone it was God not to put her in a situation she couldn’t get out of, if she wanted to get out of it.
This is where Bella knew she went wrong, she knew she should have told him to wait in the car, but sometimes women make decisions they end up regretting, decisions that they think about days later and wish they could go back and change. The next day, they’d wonder, “Why did I?”
Bella even wondered if on a subconscious level she set herself up. Was she that desperate and lonely? Was she that in need of companionship? If she got honest with herself, she’d have to say she was.
Brother James followed her inside and the smell of baked chicken hit his nose.
He sniffed the air. “It smells like food in here.”
“Oh, shoot!” Bella walked into the kitchen and turned off her Crock-Pot. She’d forgotten that earlier that afternoon when she stopped home, she had thrown a small chicken into the Crock-Pot. It was a good thing she had put it on low. She lifted the top and the smell of rosemary, onions, garlic, red potatoes and chicken made her stomach growl.
“I guess you won’t be going out to eat with me?”
Bella put the top back on the Crock-Pot and looked at him. “Maybe you can stay here and have dinner with me.”
Bella could see the expression of surprise on his face. “Are you sure?”
This was her chance to do the responsible thing, but she ate alone all the time and she really wouldn’t mind his company.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
>
“Is this still not a date?” he joked.
“It’s still not a date,” Bella told him. “Make yourself comfortable in the living room, I’m going to freshen up and then I’ll be out to make our plates.”
“I’d like to use your restroom,” he told her.
“Use the one in the hallway.” She pointed in the direction of the bathroom.
“Bella?”
She raised her eyebrow.
“I can call you that outside of church, right?”
“Yes.” After all, her entire being was not that of a pastor, she was a person with feelings, emotions and so much more. It was a relief for someone to recognize it.
“I have some champagne in my car.”
“What are you doing with champagne in your car?”
“One of my clients brought me a case,” Brother James told her. “Would you like for me to bring a bottle in?”
Not really a drinker, Bella could never resist champagne. She always enjoyed the taste of it. “Yes, do that.”
Bella went and put on a long linen skirt and a white cotton T-shirt. When she stepped into the kitchen, James commented on how comfortable she looked.
“Thank you,” she told him.
Bella made them each a plate and poured both of them a glass of champagne.
“This is nice, thanks for letting me in your presence.”
Bella took a sip of her champagne, then another sip, then another. The next thing she knew they had drank two bottles and the conversation between them was flowing.
Bella forgot that she had planned on talking him into dating one of the women from the church and to stop pursuing her. She forgot how good it felt to just be a woman.
When Bella really took the time to think about last night, she couldn’t pinpoint when it went from casual to personal, nor when it went from personal to sexual.
Did the champagne have that much of an effect on her? She guessed it did. She did know that she enjoyed his company more than she should have and she did recall telling herself at one point, she should ask him to leave, but she talked herself out of doing that as well.
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