When James left that morning, Bella wanted to place the blame on James entirely, he knew her situation, he knew how she felt, he should have respected her boundaries and put an end to the night. She wanted to blame the devil for playing tricks on her and for sneaking up on her.
She also wanted to place the blame on God for her being single and for giving her free choice because the choice she made that night was one of the flesh and not the spirit. Although she wanted to place blame, she knew the only person she could blame was herself.
Bella took the linen off her bed and threw it in the wash. Then she called Crystal. She was going to invite her out to lunch, feel her out a little, and see if she was someone she could confide it.
Crystal picked up on the first ring. “Hello.”
“Good morning, may I speak to Crystal?” Bella asked. She thought it was Crystal’s voice that answered, but one could never be to sure.
“Speaking.”
“Hey, it’s Bella.”
Bella could hear the questions in Crystal’s voice. “Bella? Hey, good morning.”
Suddenly Bella felt uncomfortable. How do you ask someone to be your friend? “I was wondering if you would like to have lunch with me today or tomorrow, whenever you’re available.”
“I’d like that. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine, I just figured . . .”
What was Bella going to say, she just figured what, that they could be friends, that Crystal was someone she thought she could tell her business to? Bella decided to be honest. “Here’s why I’m calling: I’m going to keep it on the up-and-up with you. I know you attend my church often. We’ve talked on numerous occasions and have seen each other out and about. This may sound real corny, but I need a friend.”
Crystal laughed on the other end. “Girl, we all need friends.”
“I mean, being a pastor is not as easy as people think, not that anyone thinks it is, but it’s hard to have outside friendships because of the pedestal we’re on.”
Crystal told her she understood. “It’s like you’re not an everyday person with regular wants, needs, likes, and dislikes.”
Bella felt so relieved that Crystal got it. “Exactly.”
“I’d love to have lunch with you and get to know you on a more personal level.”
“So you’re saying yes, you’ll be my friend,” Bella joked as she tried not to sound too eager.
“Yes, I am.”
“So when are you available for lunch?” Bella asked.
“How about tomorrow?”
Bella agreed, they set up a time and place, then hung up.
Dear Journal,
What does it feel like to have a friend? Someone you can confide in, someone you can talk to about anything, someone you could share secrets with, laugh with, or just plain old connect with.
I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been one to get along with other women, with my past profession and all I was afraid of, afraid that they would turn on me, afraid that they would judge me, afraid that people would discover who I am. Well, now I am ready to take a chance. I’ve always believed or convinced myself that I didn’t get along with women. I’m ready to change that.
I hear that a lot, “I don’t get along with women.” Is it that women don’t get along with one another or that they just choose not to? Is it jealousy or insecurities? What’s the real reason? I know it’s hard opening up and allowing others into your space, place, and thoughts. What things are best left kept to self ? Where do you draw the line? How do you know who to trust, how do you know who to let into your life?
I’m going to find these things out. I’m going to make myself available and allow someone in. I just hope God sends me the right person.
Fully Blessed, Bella
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
HARMONY
“You need to tell me something,” Shareef asked Harmony. He was livid.
“I don’t know what to tell you, he’s called collect a couple of times and—”
Shareef looked at her in disbelief. “What do you mean, he’s called a couple of times, how come I don’t know this?”
Harmony just stood there looking busted. Although to her she really wasn’t, because a phone call didn’t mean a damn thing, it’s not like she was sneaking off and seeing him.
“When is he calling?”
He was calling when Shareef wasn’t there but it wasn’t planned that way. It just kept happening that way. Shareef started pacing the floor, if Harmony wasn’t mistaken, Shareef seemed to be shaking, he was so angry. She looked down at his hands, which were balled up at his sides. “I can’t believe you, Harmony, this is something you should have told me. You just don’t accept collect calls in my house from another man that’s in prison.” Shareef was stunned beyond belief. It just so happened that he had to run back in the house to grab some papers off the counter, when the phone rang.
“Hello?” he answered.
The next thing he knew, there was a recording talking about, “You have a collect call from an inmate.” At that point Shareef was holding the phone away from his ear looking at the phone like, I know this ain’t Ny’em calling my motherfucking house.
He accepted the call and called Harmony into the living room. He didn’t tell her who it was, he just passed her the phone.
“Who is it?” she asked as she placed the phone near her ear.
When she heard Ny’em’s voice, she tried to appear calm, which was hard to do especially with Shareef standing there in front of her, staring in her mouth.
“Listen, I asked you not to call here.” That was a lie, she didn’t ask Ny’em not to call but she felt like she had to play if off because Shareef looked like he was ready to go upside someone’s head.
“No, no. That’s just not going to happen.” Ny’em was asking Harmony if he could call later and speak with his son, Shacquille. He asked that same question each time he called the house and the answer was always the same. “Listen, I have to go, bye.”
As she placed the phone on the hook, Shareef lost it.
“Why is he calling my house?” Shareef asked again.
“Our house,” Harmony said. It was the only thing she could think of to say, because she knew he was right. She was dead wrong for not letting him know about Ny’em’s phone calls. “This is our house, we live here together.”
Shareef didn’t even dignify that with a response, he turned his back to her and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “You would really betray me like this? Where’s your loyalty?” he asked her.
“Betrayed? Loyalty? What are you talking about, Shareef? I think you’re overreacting.”
Shareef shook his head in amazement. She really doesn’t get it. He turned back toward Harmony—he was going to make her get it. She really needed to see that her ass was dead wrong.
“Listen, Harmony, you saw the movie Baby Boy, right?”
She nodded and wondered where the hell he was going with this.
“Remember in the movie when Snoop started calling old girl from prison?”
Harmony waited for him to get to the point.
“Well, the next thing you know his ass was being paroled to her house. Harmony, you don’t know how them jail niggas think. When you allow them to call, especially when they know you have a man, they start to think your relationship can’t be that serious if you’re letting them call you at your man’s house. They start to think they still have a chance.”
“But he doesn’t,” Harmony told him. “We both know that shit has been over for years. Me and his relationship was dead before he even got locked up. Any chance he had with me is buried and gone.”
“What you say and what he believes could be two different things. Let’s turn the table. Would you have a problem with any of my exes calling me on the house phone?”
Harmony rolled her eyes. “What you think?”
“Exactly,” Shareef said, knowing he was proving his point.
But Harmony wasn
’t done with that one. “Ain’t no ex-girlfriend of yours got any business calling here anyway, you don’t have kids by anyone other than me so there should be nothing to discuss.”
“Tell me this then, Harmony, you and Ny’em have been apart for years, he’s never even seen his son. So what the hell do you two have to talk about other than the old times, how much he misses you, and what he thinks he’s going to do for you when he gets out?” Shareef was getting worked up all over again. “I can see that motherfucker now, getting all worked up, masturbating to the sound of your voice and the vision of your body. I don’t like that shit and I did not sign on to this relationship to assist your ass in doing a bid with another nigga. I’m not having it. When we met, you said he was out of your life for good and I moved forward with you believing that.”
Harmony realized how deeply affected Shareef was about this whole thing, so she told him, “Look honey, I can see how this might seem like I’ve disrespected you and for that I can’t apologize enough.”
Shareef wasn’t hearing it. “Just think about this while I’m gone today. I’ve worked too hard to get us to this point in our relationship and I don’t want anyone to come between us. I don’t want you giving him false hope and have him thinking he has an opportunity to get back into your life. Also ask yourself, how am I supposed to see the difference between a nigger knocked up and a nigger on the streets when you’re talking to him behind my back?”
“You have to understand that he’s not just any man, Shareef, he’s Shacquille’s father.” The second she said those words Harmony regretted it.
If there was one thing Shareef took seriously, one thing he did not play with, it was the kids, all the kids. She knew he was more of a father to the two that weren’t his than their own fathers were.
“You would really stand there and say that to me?” Shareef asked with hurt evident in his eyes.
Harmony reached out and put her hand on Shareef’s chest. He pushed it away. “I apologize, Shareef, I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”
“You would really stand there and disrespect what I do to my face.” Shareef looked distraught and Harmony felt responsible for the expression on his face.
She tried apologizing again. “Shareef, please listen to me.” She stepped closer to him, trying to bridge that gap. “I’m so sorry, I know you are all the kid’s father.”
Shareef wasn’t going to make this easy for her. He stepped back. “I’m Shacquille’s father, not that man who has been locked up since his birth. I’m the one that’s been there for him in his formative years. I’m the one he calls Daddy. I’m the one he runs to when he gets hurt, I’m the one he likes to discuss girls with and you will stand here in my face talking about Ny’em is his father. He hasn’t even seen Shacquille.”
“You’re right, Shareef.”
“Don’t try to placate me by telling me I’m right.” Shareef threw up his hands. “You know what, let me get out of this house before I lose my mind and say or do something I shouldn’t.”
Harmony didn’t want him to leave with all that anger inside. “Wait, let’s talk this out.”
“I don’t feel like talking a damn thing out.” Shareef stared at Harmony like she had two heads. “I guess with Ny’em being back in the picture, me adopting Shacquille is out of the question, huh?”
“Why would you even say that?” Harmony asked him. They had discussed Shareef adopting both the boys once they got married. It was what Harmony wanted more than anything in the world.
“Because at this point I don’t know what the fuck is going on.”
Harmony intended for them to be one big happy family and her intentions were sincere, it’s just that when Ny’em called and told her he was getting out of jail soon and wanted to be a part of his son’s life, it threw her off course.
Harmony hadn’t heard from him since he’d been locked up on drug possession and that was a couple of days after she found out she was pregnant.
When he called her house the first time, to say she was struck speechless was an understatement. When she asked Ny’em how he got her number, he told her he’d asked Supreme to get it from Lala, a girl she used to hang with. She got it and gave it to Supreme to give to him.
“Well, how did she get my number?” Harmony wanted to know, because she had cut Lala off a long time ago.
“I couldn’t tell you.”
Well, Harmony wasn’t going to just let that pass. The next time she saw Lala she was going to ask her because the bitch knew she was wrong. Everyone knew that Harmony had a new man and a new life now. Lala was one of the hoochies that had tried to step to Shareef when they first got together. It’s a good thing she had an honest man. What made it even worst was when Shareef turned her down, Lala tried to tell him lies about her, saying things like she was cheating on him and that she would never be a faithful bitch.
Harmony already beat her ass once. She really hoped she wasn’t going to have to do it again, because she was getting too old for this shit.
“Why now, Ny’em? Why the sudden interest in Shacquille so many years later?” Harmony asked him.
“Because I’m a changed man,” Ny’em told her.
“You don’t have much of a choice but to be a changed man in prison. It’s not like you’re out in the streets,” Harmony told him.
“Listen, I know this is coming as a surprise to you, but if I had not gotten locked up prior to you having my son, you know I would have been there for you.”
Harmony was astounded at this lie. “Do I?”
Harmony’s recollection of the day she told him she was pregnant was not one for the books. He wasn’t happy about having another child at all. Especially since he had two other children by two different women.
“He’s my son, Harmony. He came from my seed.”
“Your seed, man, please. Don’t give me that shit.” Harmony knew she should have just hung up the phone, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.
“What about your other children, will you be reaching out to them as well?” She needed to know how sincere he was. Were these just words to see if he could get with her when he got out of jail or was he going to make a real effort to be a father?
“I’ve reached out to their mothers as well and they too have given me a hard time.”
Harmony needed to process this whole conversation. “Listen, I have to go, my man will be home from work soon and he and I have to talk about how we want to handle this.” Harmony hung up before Ny’em could say a word.
Harmony then went into her bedroom and in the top of the closet pulled out a box that had old pictures in it. She shuffled through them and came upon one of her and Ny’em. Why she was still holding on to them was a question she asked herself, she should have thrown them away a long time ago. She knew if Shareef had pictures of him with any other women, all hell would break loose.
Harmony stared at the picture and recalled the day it was taken. They were at Great Adventure with a group of people and were laughing up a storm. They looked so happy in the picture. It was one of the few genuine moments they shared. Those moments were distances apart because Ny’em was always hustling and she knew not to stand in the way of a man and his hustle. Plus, the more money he made, the more money she had in her pocket, the more jewelry he brought her, and the more shopping she could do. They were hood rich and in those days her priorities were all fucked-up.
Harmony enjoyed being a drug dealer’s main girl. She knew there were others but all that mattered at the time was her being the main one and everyone knowing it. She was the one he took around his boys. She was the one the other women were warned not to mess with. She was the one he spent most of his free time with. Eventually that got old. His coming and going when he felt like it got old and his cheating on her got old.
When she realized that she was pregnant, she was preparing herself to break off what they had, but she just couldn’t do it just yet. What if this baby changed their relationship for the better? She st
ill couldn’t believe she thought their relationship would improve because of a child. That’s what his other baby mamas thought, not her, but she was caught in the cycle.
When Harmony told Ny’em she was pregnant, he didn’t show any emotion. His main and only concern was, “So what are you going to do about it?”
“What do you mean, what am I going to do about it?” She knew what he was asking but she wanted to be sure she heard him right.
“Are you going to have an abortion? You need money?”
Pissed and hurt, she walked out on him and went to Jewell’s house.
The second Jewell opened the door, Harmony started crying. “I’m pregnant.”
Jewell shook her head with disappointment. She didn’t want her cousin to be weighed down with a bunch of babies, she already had one by a dirty-ass old man, who Harmony used for money when she was young and dumb.
“By Ny’em?” Jewell asked.
“Yeah, and you know what he had the nerve to tell me to do?”
Jewell didn’t have to guess. “Have an abortion.”
Harmony looked stunned that she knew.
“Don’t look at me like I don’t have a clue. Ny’em is an ass, I told you that a long time ago, when you first got involved with him. I warned you. You know what you’ve got to do, right?”
“What?” Harmony asked, like she didn’t know the answer.
“Leave his ass,” Jewell told her. Jewell didn’t like Ny’em at all. She hated the way he mistreated Harmony and she hated the way Harmony allowed it.
Harmony turned to walk out the door.
“Where are you going?” Jewell asked.
“I didn’t come here for the I-told-you-so and look-what-you-got-yourself-into talk. I came for support, for a shoulder to cry on.”
Jewell pulled Harmony into her arms. “You know what, you’re right. I apologize, let’s go sit down and talk this through.”
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